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I was overwhelmed with the feedback I got on the last post. You have no idea how happy the death threat made me feel. There are good comments, There are comments that tell you how bad you are and then there are the ones that threaten you with bodily harm. The last category is reserved for the denizens of rediff and I feel extremely pleased for this honor bestowed upon me. I only have one question though, was the ‘shoot at site’ an intended pun or is that how professors these days roll? Hey that was the kick in the rear that I needed to dust the cobwebs of this blog and crank out a new post. Continuing the theme of mythological satire, here’s an attempt to recreate a conversation between the two biggest heavy weights of the hindu religion. From the title of this post you may notice some similarities to a popular Hollywood blockbuster. Kindly direct your love & threats to the comments section.

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The Kitchens of Indraprashta

Krishna & Arjuna - CokeIndraprashta looked stunning in spring as the royal gardens were in bloom. The chirping of birds, the chatter of the maids & the soldiers were once again practicing outdoors showing off their valor  A familiar figure walked through the courtyard leaving his sandalwood fragrance through out the palace. The maids were giving him shy glances as the peacock feather on his crown danced to the draft of air from the roof. He wished to see his best friend and the guard let him through like always. There on a huge bed sat the finest archer of the yuga, polishing the tip of his arrows while the menacing Gandiva lay beside him.

“It’s not hunting season & I don’t see a battle in the recent future, why are you working so hard on those arrows Partha?”

“Oh Kanha, don’t act like you don’t know, this is the hardest week for me. Hours seem like years. Only I know how I’ve spent the last 4yrs & 51 weeks”

“Ah yes the 5yrs itch, So I take it that you wish to impress your bride by showing off all the weapons you’ve acquired while she was with your brothers?”

“Do I even have a choice? Yudi bhaiyya has his wit, Nakul & Sahadev have the looks and are the most caring men in bharatavarsha, and let’s not even talk of majhle bhaiyya.”

“What do you have to fear from Bhimsen the brawn? I’d have expected him to be the least of your worries.”

“Well, I share a common wall with his quarters and let me say this politely that the walls of Indraprashta as not as thick as our pillars & gates. Going by what I hear at night, matching up to is going to feel like riding a goat after having dismounted from an elephant.”

Dude TMI!, Krishnaa is like a sister to me, spare me the details.”

“You won’t understand, I shouldn’t have even brought it up. My bad sorry.”

“What you lack in brute power & rage you do make up in your charms, so you should not be all that worried my dear friend”

“How can anyone compare to the aphrodisiacs he cooks up in his kitchen, I’m at a disadvantage even before I start. ”

“Ah so the great Arjuna now wants to cook his way to affection, why didn’t you start with that? You could have spared me the mental images.”

“Spare me the sarcasm, and help me out here. I want to welcome her with an entire spread prepared by me, let’s see you work your magic.”

“It looks like you were expecting me to drop by & teach you to cook, now what a fun way to spend my weekend. Instead of meeting my designer for my vasant panchami red carpet, I’m gonna
to teach
a lovelorn archer
to wield a spatula
I’m gonna have to teach a lovelorn archer to wield a spatula.”

“Enough damage!  I wan’t to try out some rice & lentil crepes I ate on my journeys to the south. I forget the name but they were heavenly.”

“Well of course, you are talking about the worldfamous dosa, they are best served hot with a dollop of butter. The aroma of melting butter is severely well played!”

“Pch, Maakhan choraa & your butter fantasy. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that you licked butter off your lovers waist.”

“If you wan’t me to help you out, we gotta keep this conversation decent & family friendly. Now I see you’ve already got the batter going here. Now let’s take a ladle-full of batter & spread it on the hot pan in a circular motion.”

“Ha! This looks just like the chakravyuha, I’m already liking this a lot. We could try other formations too, let me flip this now.”

“Tut Tut, you impatient son of Pandu. Not so soon! You see Partha, one must always let the dosa speak to you. It will tell you when it is ready to be flipped.”

“I agree I’m buying into this madness solely to impress panchali, but you cannot expect me to believe tripe like a talking dosa. What’s next a singing mutton chop?”

“Oh Sabysasachi how can you be so naive? When at war how do you know the opportune moment to use the right astra?”

“Well you know, I… I see the way the war is going… and…. and… umm umm the battleground tells me… um… ok ok never mind I get it. What next after we flip these puppies?”

“The battle is just half won, we’ll have to make something to go with it like a chutney or a curry. Why don’t you start by dicing these tomatoes?”

“Ha! Govinda this is going to be as easy as shooting the eye of a wooden bird on a tree. You just watch & be amazed.”

“C’mon Dhananjaya, these are soft juicy tomatoes that need to be chopped delicately not axed like how Parasurama hacked Kartaveerya & his sons. Let me show you how it’s done. ”

“Fine have your way, but what’s with the self-referential analogy? Surely you can do better”

“Why don’t you help me peel some onions while I finish these tomatoes, I’ll show you how to chop those.”

“Watch me will you, owww my eyes… my eyes….”

“Ayyo rama, who’d have thunk that the brave Panduputra would be wailing like a 5yr old girl.”

“Dude that was severe meta, You gotta stop these. What is in them? I should squeeze some onion juice on the tip of my arrows next time.”

“Aaaah ok fine let me finish it for you, Once you chop them, you cook them with salt & other spices till it reduces and becomes pasty. Now try it with the dosas & tell me how yo like it”

“Keshav, this is most definitely food for the gods, I can’t wait to sweep Draupadi off her feet. What else can I make?”

“Don’t stress too much about them, look at what you have in the royal pantry and let the ingredients talk to you.”

“Oh yea like that helps a lot, Why can’t you hang around and show me a few delicacies more?”

“You learnt to become a great marksman by shooting arrows at a target in the dark, surely you can whip up some dishes if you follow a flavor profile.”

“I will however leave you with a talisman. When in doubt Arjuna, just chop some onions!

(Image Courtesy: Ithcamyth)

PS: This is an attempt at fan-fiction and is to be taken in jest. Kindly spare me the outrage.

May I Pope thy cherry?

The College of Cardinals
Door No. 367, Vivekananda st,
near Vatican City bus stand,
Vatican City.

Respected Dean Sir,

I hope this letter finds you in the best of health, being serviced by teenage boys while you continue to teach the subject of Cardinality at your college. In full disclosure I must admit that the subject of one-to-one & one-to-many relationships in data base tables has never enticed me that much. I however do like set theory & mathematics being my strong suit, I feel I am best suited to join your college. I had learned from my close sources that on the account of one of your colleagues retiring prematurely from his position, a lot of names have been thrown into the ring as possible replacements. I have tried finding the location of this link on the internet & my my trusted source in the Vatican(the Nair who owns the tea-stall adjacent to your premises) has also given up. Our guess is that the said ring is in your chambers and we figured that it would be rude to break in & submit my name. I hereby am writing this letter that not only announces my candidature, but will also give your members a better chance to know me before they cast their votes in my favor. I’m not quite sure about the size of your ring, but feel free to roll up this letter & shove it in, till it comes out the other way.

I strongly feel I am your only choice and the others names that you shoved in your ring are just bogus. You simply cannot elect another European guy, this is
a James
Bond franchise
this is not a James Bond franchise to enforce zonal restrictions on such things. You certainly can’t go to the brits because they have bad teeth, they bow in servitude to a queen & they just hosted the Olympics. That’s enough popularity for that region to enjoy for another century, plus you can never tell when Danny Boyle will make a movie about a Vatican slum dweller who wins a contest that puts him in the running to be the next pope! Now that would be really awkward if the Pope at was British & a movie like this came out. Then you have the Americans, I mean NorthAmericans and jsut USA not Canada. Don’t worry, for even the Canadians know that they are a vestigial organ like Nepal and are cool with it. God himself/herself has tried to wash away those guys with numerous hurricanes, but they are very resilient and refuse to give up. Think of an unflushable turd the morning after you hogged a giant gujrati thali, good job! Now try to unthink it because I merely implied it, you were the one who inferred it & made a connection.  Plus you don’t wan’t to pick someone from a country that has given you Dan Brown & Tim Tebow. I swear on an elephant headed god that if you even consider Tim Tebow, I shall withdraw from this race. I can however see why you would like a guy who is allergic to holding a ball as the next Pope for that will help you in rebuild an image. Be warned however that he’s sued to showering with a bunch naked guys and is benched in a side that prefers a latino to him.

Let us now talk about the South Americans, I think they’re really hardworking and will surely strive to clean the image of your college. However the only downside here is that they may often be mistaken & asked to landscape your lawnsmistaken & asked to landscape your lawns. The only other guys worth considering are the Brazillians for they just adore their women and that is a good thing given all the bad backdoor press you’ve been getting. For the first time we may have a pope who can look stunning in a bikini, but then you’ll have to clean up after his activities during a Rio festival. The come the Africans, hahahahahahaaha, one sec, hahahahahahaha ok okI’ll stop. But stil, hahahahaha, no wait were you really considering a black pope? Well it may be a good move to showcase a shining product of your mass conversions & add increase the stock of your evangelic dollars but still, come on hahahahahahaha. While it may result in a drastic reduction of racial chants at soccer games, “Your Holiness” may end up being the biggest racial slur. Also you’ll have to be sensitive and not release white smoke to signal the successful selection, but if you released black smoke then hahahahahaha. You surely can’t be thinking about the middle-east because they only thing of interest there are oil, Oscar nominated movies & women with beautiful eyes. Picking up an Arab may make the dress selection easy for they are used to horrible log flowing gowns & a hundred layers of fabric. However their idea of a harem doesn’t consist of 72 teenage boys. A south east Asian pope may be an interesting premise, for it could bring in a few billion new converts to Catholicism, and no body ever cares if the pope is speaking in latin or mandarin. The only downside being that nobody can get a glimpse of the new pope from the balcony at the Vatican.

Your best and only choice is to go desi & that’s where I come in. While we may favor many religions, I must let you know that we have the highest respect for Catholicism. We’ve entrusted the fate of our country in the hands of one and our biggest scams often have an Italian connection. While the Vatican may have been cool with the entire Dan Brown thing, we burnt his books & did not let movies based on that release in our cinema halls. What do you have to say for a country that was up in arms protecting the faith when even the Vatican chose to look away? I have brought peace to the Karnataka BulldozersI have brought peace to the Karnataka Bulldozers after they were wronged by the Chennai Rhinos in the previous edition of the CCL. It was only after my intervention that they have decided to look past their differences and bygones be bygones. I have constantly been feeding the starving millions of Namitha fans with unseen pics from her photoshoots & keeping the youth of the country at bay from revolting against this oppression of bodily exposure. If not for me Narendra Modi could not have become CM for another term & Himesh Reshammiya would still be judging music reality shows. I am a true spiritual leader, so I might as well do it in a hideous robe, headgear & a swanky office. It would be a good idea to have a Pope who has seen something of life outside the church in the last few years. Since you like giving nicknames after breakfast items, I could be Pope Ravaidly, or even Pope Andaburjee. I promise, that you will certainly not regret this decision and the entire city will wake up to the warm smell of bisibelebath each morning. Also my trusty tea-stall source, has brought to my attention that in the name of election you guys smoke up the finest stuff from across the globe. Ha! you probably thought with all that white smoke, nobody would be able to sniff up those chimneys eh? I wish to ensure you that your secret is safe with me & if selected, I shall bring along with me the finest stuff from my sad-dude friends in Varnasi. Or I could just ask my buddy Rajinikath to you know……….

Jesus is coming, Look busy
Baba Bangali

(Image Courtesy: comcast)

Review: Vishwaroopam – Wish you were a fan

Before I say anything I absolutely have to gloat & say this, I CAN HAZ VISHWAROOPAM! Now a majority of the folks reading this are yet to see the movie and at the time of writing this post, the movie is still banned in Tamil Nadu. Let us start with the assumption, you know Kamal is an indian agent who infiltrates an Al-Qaeda camp and later tries to stop their operations in NY disguised as an effeminate tambrahm kathak dancer. This is not a spoiler, if you could not gather this much from the trailers then you should start watching bhojpuri films instead. Now I shall give you a moment to take that last line but that is truly the crux of the movie with subplots and gaping holes woven into it. I say that because it seems almost schizophrenic when one scene makes you stand up & take notice for how well it was done and then immediately followed up by a can-you-pass-me-the-weed-you-were-smoking scene. I absolutely wanted to watch the movie because I felt it could either be awesome or a ginormous blade, either ways it would be a fun ride for me. My problem is that it ended up being in the middle and that makes it difficult for me to put my thoughts around it. Asking me if it was better than Dasavataram is very very wrong, because that’s like comparing the Afghanistan cricket team to New Zealand.

Kamal’s character makes you wonder if he’s been spending time with Abbas-Mastaan. We start out with an effeminate tambrahm kathak teacher who marries a PhD student so that she can get a visa. Why does a student have to be on a dependent visa and what kind of visa does a kathak teacher come under? Just as you’re trying to come to terms with that, they tell you that he’s a muslim dude with an Al-Qaeda leader out to get him. Aha just when you thought it to be a case of mistaken identity, they hit you in the head and tell you that he’s trained with the Al-Qaeda. Oh so maybe he’s an ex-jihadi who had a change of heart, but no! One tight
for you
One tight slap for you because he’s now an Indian agent who was just playing you all this while. We’re still not sure if that is the truth because they tell you that there’s a Part-2 coming and given Kamal, there could be three more character twists in store! So there’s no explanation to why his character takes these twists or any back stories to go with them. It feels like licking the peel of a raw banana and the aftertaste that refuses to leave you for the next 2hrs. On the other hand Rahul bose is just a jihadi leader who wants to blow up NY and avenge the death of his family in a drone attack. They even make up for his lack of acting skills by giving him a fake eye, burnt face and limited movement in the buccal cavity. Pooja Kumar didn’t have much to do but stand with her mouth agape as the events unfolded before her, her bosom got ample screen time though. Her only role in the movie apart from wearing eye-popping silk nightwear is rattling the atomic number of Cesium and its properties. Kamal is known to let the audience interpret major parts of his movies and sadly the Pooja Kumar character is there to dumb that down and break it down for you. The remaining characters have nothing to do in the movie other than getting IMDb mentions, it’s a shame but hopefully they’ll have something to do in Part-2.

There are no mindless songs in the movie, which is a good thing. But the Al-Qaeda portions drag a tad too long and after a while you wonder if you’re watching a documentary on the hunt to
find Osama instead
documentary on the hunt to find Osama instead. The action sequences are done very well and the CG work seems believable unlike the giant tsunami in Kamal’s previous ego-massage-fest. The afghan landscape shots are visually stunning but also give Kamal ample room to tear up at all the destruction around him. There’s way too much gore, severed heads and blood which makes me wonder how the hell did the censors give it a U/A certificate? The real outrage must not be against why the censors okayed the so-called anti-muslim dialogs but should infact question their logic on not giving it a straight A certificate. The movie theater where I saw this movie was teeming with kids, you could be mistaken thinking that they were there for a showing of the lion king movie. Seriously I wonder what those parents were thinking when they brought their kids to this movie. The kids were gasping in horror at the severed heads and all their parents said was to close their eyes. Anybody can make a mistake and end up at the wrong movie expecting a lot less violence, but when you see a man blow up on screen, you better walk out of the theater with you kids in tow. To the parents who brought their kids to vishwaroopam, May you be locked in a dark room for 3 days with death metal playing on full blast. Sadly there’s not much good or bad to write about the movie and if not for the outrage & religious tamasha that is going on this would have been just an average movie that crawled its way to the 100cr club. It gets my vote because I feel that good or bad a movie still deserves a chance to be screened & judged by the junta not lawmakers and political groups. Kamal may have taken a huge gamble with the 90cr budget, but he deserves a fair chance to fail and that is why I’m behind this movie.

If the movie never gets released then I have thought of ways on how Kamal could try selling portions of it instead. With a few more songs, the opening portion could be sold as a kathak lecture demonstration. Pooja Kumar’s portions could be a longish segment on intimate silk innerwearlongish segment on intimate silk innerwear, maybe could be broken in to 5-6 30sec commercials. Then there’s the obvious 90minute documentary on Al-Qaeda training camps and their rejection of western medication. We could also manage to scrape out a tourist guide to NYC featuring popular tourist attractions with special mentions to stay away from the pigeons. They may not kill you to radiation exposure but they sure can poop on your foreheads. The movie can also be marketed as study material to film schools on how not to shoot a two-part movie. Now if kamal had shot a 5hr movie and then split it into two parts that would have been brilliant, or if atleast he had shot it such that each part ends with some closure. Here it almost seems like kamal had a 5hr movie in his mind, could only shoot portions of it due to various constraints and then at the editors table realized how many holes it had. How do you cover this up, promise the audience that it will all make sense in Part-2! The end is probably the weakest and even hilarious given the fact that it involves a master terrorist, a top Indian agent & the FBI! You know the feeling when you’re watching a BAN-NZ game because you have nothing better to do & it goes into the last over with 12runs to win and the power goes out right then. Yeah that!

It is still a landmark movie for tamil cinema, visually slick, CG done right, an action thriller(atleast some parts) that deserves to be seen because only the box-office has the right to defeat a film not lawmakers and political groups.



(Image Courtesy: Mid-Day)

The tri-vortex suraksha kavach

Bhaktas, I’t been a while since we convened at this space and I have news for you. I have been doing some freelance consulting to quacks from all over the globe and may have finally come up with the best there is in placebo technology since our boy Ganesha chugging liters of milk. No this isnt like those DIY homeopathy pills or reiki healing via phone that I had come up with in the past. This is more badass than a HRD Mos speaking chaste mumbaiya bhai-slang or Jackie Shroff giving a commencement speech at Oxford. Speaking of asses how is my old friend “ass-rub” doing? The last time I spoke to him he he was being chased by his brothers so to speak with sickles in their hands. Poor chap, if only brothers we so sweet, then Philadelphia would boasts of the safest neighborhoods in the world. Enough of talking about cheap quacks, lets talk about the godfather of quacks, ME!

Sitting in a meeting giving suggestions to two members of Indian Parliament about marketing a South African ponzi scheme, I was looking up tickets to London where I’ve been summoned to bless the royal pregnant couple. Now that’s when I had my eureka moment and it dawned upon me that what if we could amalgamate two of the hottest fake placebo inventions. Bhakatas, you have read it here for teh first time, and I present to you the “Tri-vortex Suraksha Kavach“. You see, we are going to take the best of two fake inventions, marry them up and them send them on a honeymoon with the absurd. The child born out of this inglorious matrimony will give the media multiple boners as the cash cows do the macarena. Now you don’t seem all that pleased, so let me tell you how we plan to customize the tri-vortex for your problems. Before that I must tell you that I’ve already sold “tri-vortex suraksha kavach movie reels” to a popular actor who goes by the name universal star. He had some issues in releasing his new movie for alleged reasons that it contained portions that could hurt religious minority. By loading his movie on our customized reels, the movie is automatically sanitized and the movie plays devoid of any inflammatory religious content. I’ve also just sold a large batch of “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach badges” to the organizers of a literary fest who are worried about their attendees taking the free speech concept literally. Now attendees who wear these new badges will find their feeling of free speech suppressed and that will ensure the fest organizers have no further headaches. The “tri-vortex suraksha kavach things ” will create a powerful energy field that will alter the molecular structure of the film reel and the badge wearer thereby freeing them from negative energy like free speech and religious slurs from movie dialogues. Those of you rolling your eyes, please order in bulk and empirically test the effectiveness of the wares I’m peddling and then kindly make an informed opinion. How about we place an initial order of say ten thousand, for empirical testing purposes ofcourse!

I’m also working with my team of scientists in labs across the country, most of whom you would recognize as hakims in tents on the highway, to put the finishing touches on our wide array products. We have the “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach phone charger”, which fills your phone with positive energy and thereby filters out calls from irate bosses, spouses and ICICI credit card agents. We have the “tri-vortex suraksha kavach bras/blouses” for our female followers who wish to enhance their bosoms but not invite stares from lecherous male strangers. The molecularly enhanced bosoms will ward away men who wish to lay their hands upon them. Strangely we’ve been flooded with pre-orders from UP whereas I was expecting that from the country’s capital. I’ve been told that they are all from the residence of an ex-CM, but let’s not talk about that. We also have “tri-vortex suraksha kavach shawls” which when wrapped around grumpy members of parliament will miraculously alter their non-existent molecules and shoot the corrupt gene through their bowels. Sadly no orders have been placed for this one, but one member of parliament was asking if they could be used in hoisting giant flags. maybe I should sell them to chintan shivirs so that we can harmonise the energy of the attendees and induce them into genetic submission to dynasty politics.

I’ve been toying with the idea of “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach pillows” that will cranially increase the number of pure thoughts and reduce dreams where santily clad women dance in the rain. Maybe we could offer “tri-vortex suraksha kavach lava lamps” which when placed at your office desk will clean your email and filter out forwarded emails from infosys employees. For the twitter junta, I have a special something, my “tri-vortex suraksha kavach keychains/usb-sticks” will create cellular coherence that will numb the mind to common sense and suppress the part of the brain that is prone to outrage. Without this you will no longer feel the urge to contest rationale and will be able to accept all the absurdity around you with no pain at all. We’re still trying to perfect the “trivortex suraksha kavach surge protectors” which could change the molecular structure of every appliance plugged into them and the possibilities of that I leave to your imagination. Some angry folks have already asked me to get in the back of some imaginary van, and before I can answer them one gentleman has issued a show-cause notice accusing me of slandering his orientation.  Bhaktas, my “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach wireless keyboard” isn’t letting me type anymore faf and I shall abruptly end this message here.

PS: Hello SEO, we meet yet again.

PPS: Some informed reading for you

(Images Courtesy: hindustantimes)

Mattercast with Maxdavinci feat GreatBong

Yes this section isn’t dead! After almost a month of procrastination we’ve managed to get out another episode in this series. This time we have superstar blogger, author and Mithun Chakraborty historian, GreatBong! For those of you who haven’t heard about him, he blogs here and his tweets can be found here. I thank everyone for the multiple listens and shares for the previous podcast and promise to keep this going.

This mattercast went past two hours and despite a lot of editing, we couldn’t keep it to one part. In Part-1 we talk about his blog, the books, The Matrix trilogy , Ra.One and Shah Rukh Khan.
In Part-2 we talk about mithunda, Saurav Ganguly, Twitter and GB’s new book.

Part 1: [podcast][/podcast]

Part 2: [podcast][/podcast]

Direct links here and here.

Mattercast with Maxdavinci feat TheCricketCouch

Thank you for all link love, facebook shares & twitter RTs to the pilot Mattercast. I wasn’t quite sure on how it was going to turn out, but the response has been overwhelming. There were a lot of suggestions and requests for future guests which have been duly noted. Some of the most famous bloggers/twitter personalities has agreed to be guests in the coming weeks. This is all happening way too fast and you can tell how excited I am.

This week we have Subash Jayaraman better known as The Cricket Couch, who runs a very popular blog and is well known on twitter as well. In addition to his beautiful insights to the game of cricket he also does a series of podcasts with with real people who matter in the cricketing world (unlike this blog!). Anyone who loves cricket would have surely heard about him and if you haven’t here’s a good chance to know more about him as we speak about his tryst with legends, travelling to watch India play abroad, his jersey collection and the growth of Cricket in America.


Direct link: Here you go, for the so called posh iPaadh, iFone users.

PS: The sound quality is not the best, but I’ve tried editing and kept it tight.

PPS: Mentioned in this mattercast are @sidvee, @cricketwballs, @dpmilgaya, @bhogleharsha and @wasimakramlive

Mattercast with Maxdavinci feat Sidvee

Welcome to a brand new section where we try to get popular bloggers and twitter users to talk about themselves and random shit. There’s no set format but we try to get to know more about people and make stuff up as we go. If people like this, we’ll get more interesting people to talk to each week and keep the fun going. I haven’t come up with a name yet and we’re calling it ‘Mattercast with Maxdavinci’ for now. Better names, and suggestions to improve the show are welcome. We’d also love to hear from you on what you liked, what you didn’t and who you would like to see featured in this section for the coming weeks.

For the pilot podcast we’ve got Sidvee who is very popular on twitter and his blog is the most read by the Indian junta these days. I don’t want to waste further time extolling his virtues for we have a podcast that does the same.  So stop playing those loud jarring Himesh Reshammiya songs on your headphones and give this a listen.


Direct link: Here you go, for the so called posh iPaadh, iFone users.

PS: I apologize for the quality, some downloads in the background may have choked my internet.

PPS: Mentioned in this mattercast are @atlasdanced, @abvan, @cornerd, @thecricketcouch, @localteaparty

Stop running like a headless Raavana

Senapathi, why hasn’t the bloody inverter kicked in yet? Feels like I’m in a furnace, we must talk to that Surya dude tomorrow about the rage he’s unleashing on us“.

My Lord, this is not a two-hour power cut. It is going to be like this all day. The inverter can only last for a few hours. You buying this Voltas AC on the basis of that stupid TVC ain’t helping either.

All day? What are they snorting? This is Chennai not Simla/Ooty where  even two hours without electricity feels like Kumbhipakam! Go find out where the CM’s granddaughters study, we’ll kidnap them.

Looks like you haven’t been following the political scene in the state. We have a new CM & if you try to kidnap this behemoth,  you’ll end up crushing our last remaining private jet under her weight.

Nonsense, I am Ahiraavana! The last living Daitya and descendant of the mighty Ravana. So what if the magical pushpakvimana was replaced by a private jet? It is still enough to pick up a head of state and more importantly a mere mortal. Find out where she lives, we shall leave at once!

Stubborn and foolish like your great ancestor. JJ is the second most feared woman in this country, the first being a vociferous Bong who calls everyone maoists. It will be the stupidest move in Daitya history if you
Poe’s Garden
to be Ashokavana
if you mistake Poe’s Garden to be Ashokavana.

Silence, you insolent oaf! A mere senapathi cannot talk to a Daitya king like this.  I shall forgive you now only because your ancestors have been serving us since the time of Prajapatis.

Your majesty’s kindness is unparalleled, let me see what the guys from BRA are pushing against these days “.

Not them, no! never in a million years am I again enlisting their services. After the damage they caused me last time, I was ready to drown in a cup full of water. Just that I couldn’t find the right cup size!

How about Mareecha then? Their family has helped your ancestors in previous conquests. Shall I summon him?

Ah the Asura from the gifted lineage of shape-shifters, what is the good man upto these days? We’ll need his services to lure the CM out of Poe’s garden“.

He spends his time around the IIT campus disguised as a deer overlooking teens necking behind the trees. They say he’s lost his heart to a young lass but cannot muster the courage to talk to her. So he just gazes at this newly joined professor from the woods, like that is not awkward!, I shall summon him at once.

Yes that will be great also since I hear that women at IIT are now accompanied by male escorts. I don’t think there is a better time for us to get into the ancestral business of kidnapping women. We can pose as male escorts and when the women trust us to walk them home safely we can whisk them away.

Maharaja, you may not know this but in modern parlance, male escorts refers to something else entirely. Also women at the campus are given whistles for their safety in case the escorts misbehave.

How dare you take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks! We shall kidnap them long before they even realise they have a whistle. This society doesn’t like whistle blowerssociety doesn’t like whistle blowers, don’t you read the papers these days? Also I’m not the petty owner of a visiting IPL team to piss my pants when I hear a whistle.

May the great Daitya have mercy on me again. I suggest we enlist the services of a certain actor who also happens to be her neighbour. We can promise him success in his movies, fame and the regular package that we offered that useless fellow Ajith for his comments during the actors agitation for our beloved Lanka.

Do you even know who you are talking about? It is the superstar himself, within minutes we’ll get torched alive. Let’s just do something easy like inciting Thala Ajith fans by spreading a rumour that the CM has stalled the release of Billa2. I hear those guys are more dangerous than a gang of rabid seals, they should be able to create a ruckus that will force the CM to step out of her mansion & pacify them. That is when we make our move and then hold the state to ransom!

Pardon my insolence, but you over estimate Thala Ajith fans and the clout they hold. The most they can do is outrage on social media, post comments on blogs & youtube wars. Expecting anything more from them is sillier than expecting Mumbai Indians to win the IPL.

Damn it, can’t rely on fans these days for anything. Fine let’s do it plain & simple the old way. Find some opium and we’ll just drug the CM, slip it into her meal & she’ll just walk with us.

O Daityaputra, we have to bolt. There’s a man called Dhoble at the door & he doesn’t look very pleased!

(Image Courtesy: Emami Group)

Earth Quaker Oats

I don’t make jokes about natural calamities, thousands of people are affected, lives are changed forever and the mental scars never go away. One can however make observations about people who are miles away, unharmed, unhurt, but give into paranoia based on stupid rumours. My prayers are with all the families affected and hope that the causalities in such circumstances are minimal, I can’t help but write about the view from the other side! The 93′ Latur incident was my first brush with an earthquake, at around 4 in the morning we were awoken by the rumbling of windows and rushed onto the streets to find the entire colony already there. Later in the morning we learnt of the quake and the principal had instructed teachers to educate classes VI & VII about quakes despite not being part of the syllabus and class VII teachers were asked to jump to that chapter & ensure all kids had an idea of what really happened early that morning. Our science teacher explained about the various fault types, seismographs and even taught us to make a seismograph with an ink pen and shaking the benches. In the next class our social studies teacher told us about the various quakes in the past, tectonic plates and how dams & oil drilling also could cause quakes. That was one of the best days in school for I actually learnt something that was useful and not regular drivel you had to remember for an upcoming unit test. The fact that I still remember it today stands testament to how much I liked the session.

That was not all we heard of the quake, armed with information of how quakes happen & their effects, some kids began spreading rumours. At first they were just about sighting of cracks in various parts of the school building that could soon give way in the next thunderstorm. The best was however the one about how a wall in the primary section had collapsed and kids were being evacuated. This was during lunch where for some reason after high-carb-intake, all kids in the school ran helter-skelter for 20 minutes playing games like 7-stones, beating-ball
& high-catches
7-stones, beating-ball & high-catches. One called Dipak Tijori* bought into this rumour and began wailing fearing the fate of his younger brother in the primary section. While some tried pacifying him, a few pet-students ran to alert a teacher and the rest just stood laughing at him. Unable to bear the nuisance, I tried reasoning with Dipak Tijori telling him that there was no chance such a thing could have happened and I’d accompany him to the primary section to prove everyone was safe. Dipak Tojori’s squeals were getting shriller and irritating when I had to give him #OneTightSlap hoping to bring him to his senses. Don’t blame me, in all those Hindi movies towards the end, the sasurji always slapped the evil saasuma to stop harassing the poor bahurani. After the dramatic music and multiple face turns, the saasuma always turned a new leaf after crying and accepted her follies. None of that happened in my case and Dipak Tijori began wailing even louder. Much to my dismay my slapping was witnessed by the teachers who simply assumed that Dipak Tijori’s wailing was a result of my goondaism! The rumour-spreaders got away and I had to endure a HOW CAN YOU SLAP lecture, followed by threats to write a complaint in my school diary to my parents and even being taken to the principal’s office. Lucky for me, the lunch bell rang & we all ran back to our classrooms.

The most recent quake will probably be better known as a social media event rather than for the destruction & damages caused. On feeling the tremors, many were more interested in updating their FB statuses and tweets than exiting their office buildings(in India atleast). A few idiots were later found tweeting how they were the first to report the quake, and it was no different from how all news channels claim to be the first to break the news. How so many people can come first boggles my mind, we should implement this in schools & colleges thereby a lot more students can feel happy about coming first in exams & contests. I didn’t blindly believe the tweets in case you thought I did so. Like every law-abiding citizen, I switched on the news to hear it form Arnab Goswami. These days I don’t believe
anything unless
I hear it
from Arnab
I don’t believe anything unless I hear it from Arnab & he tells me that he is the first to break the news like always. One guy called Gulshan Grover* sitting in the US(working late I assume) was searching the Internet for articles and posting on FB so that all his friends like me in the des could feel safe. After a while he began posting his expert comments on how according the him the quake occurred and its after effects. Things got interesting when he began a so-called tsunami countdown and kept updating of how if a tsunami had happened a certain place should be hit by when, and how since that did not happen I should feel a lot safer. Most of his statuses had close to a 100 likes, so I take it he indeed saved a lot of people from panic attacks. The next time there is a Tsunami warning, I hope mother nature seeks his permission before unleashing her fury for her will subdue her with a flick of his little finger. Gulshan Grover could also be an anti-natural-calamity device where he goes places and prays to the Lord Chennakesava and then slap his thighs to avert all natural disasters. I plan to felicitate him with a shawl & a bouquet of flowers, any donations are welcome.

There was a report about how people were thronging Marina beach to see the tsunami. News reporters who were themselves standing on the shore, were commenting on how lame people were to ignore tsunami warnings & come to the beach. Now if you think that those on the beach were ignorant fisherman, then you are so very wrong my friends! Spotted on the beach thanks to news channels, were college students armed with DSLRs waiting to shoot the big waves and document them for the great national personal archives a.k.a facebook cover albums. I got to know from twitter that some were even updating their locations on foursquare(unconfirmed)! This is a major #facepalm the size of Vamana’s hands when he grew so big where he could cover the entire earth with his feet! You may argue that these youths were only there to document the greatest show on earth and would swiftly make an exit once the waves seemed dangerous. I have another theory here, you see there was a movie called Dasavataram(click for detailed rant) where in the final scenes an American terrorist battles a Japanese wushu instructor, and a terrific scientist hides in a boat along with a noisy creature all witnessed by a CBI officer in a helicopter. For the uninformed all the above roles were played by Kamal Haasan, and then there is a tsunami that washes away a bio-weapona tsunami that washes away a bio-weapon giving a chance for 5 other Kamal Haasans to shine and save the world. If you are rolling your eyes in disbelief or have forgotten, let me refresh your memory with this video. So as you can clearly see, it is wrong to blame the Chennai public for they were only thronging marina beach hoping to sight 10 Kamal Haasans. Being a very private person it is very rare to spot Kamal Haasan, so you can  only imagine how fortunate the crowd would consider themselves to see him in 10 unrecognisable avatars. I’m also told that a few Rajinikanth fans were also at the beach, only thing that they were there for a slightly different reason. They wanted to see how Kamal haasan could survive a second tsunami and wished for the waves to wash him away. This would not only put an end to the star rivalry but also rewrite lame jokes such as “Rajinikanth threw a stone in the water and the ensuing ripples caused a tsunami” with new ones like “Kamal Haasan in a chapati dough mask has such a big ego that even a tsunami couldn’t quench his thirst“.

*Names changed on purpose

(Image Courtesy: wikipedia)

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Dappan Koothu

Movies, Matter, Satire