You can always use words like mystery, enchanted, and talk big initially of the diverse cultures, colorful attires and thousand dialects. It is very rare that you may be doing a story about the brains or management graduates and entrepreneurs. Even if that’s the theme it mostly is going to be about the BPO business and you can later get into how people from middle class families pick up accents. Nine out of ten times your story is going to be about the suffering, so go ahead and use a montage of pics portraying poor villagers, semi-naked tribals and malnourished kids on the footpaths.

India may be a huge country with 28 states, but the regions that matter are Rajsthan, the Rann of Kutch, slums of Mumbai, dacoits of Chambal, Naxlas in the Deccan, Fishermen in the South, Tribals in the East, Sherpas in the Shivaliks, migrants in Delhi and of course the Taj Mahal. As long as you’ve got plenty of shots from the above, you are golden and good to go. India is always hot, dusty, there are animals everywhere even in the cities you could show cows
holding
up trafficshow cows holding up traffic. Our people are either skinny or starving and if you go south they are all dark-skinned. We may have cities and bustling metros but your target audience only wants to see the deserts, forests, mud paths, sand-trails and bullock carts. If your theme is music then worry not, you have plenty of folk music form every part of India to showcase. The kicker is the plight of these musicians and the dying art forms which people are abandoning due to poverty. India has plenty to offer for a food theme show, you don’t have to show the Biryanis of the Nizams, street food of Delhi or even savories of Chettinad. Head straight to the villages where you can focus on muddy rice porridge, stews made with any available root, how the seeds of mangoes are a protein substitute and if you make contact with any tribals then you hit gold with insects, worms, dogs and snakes being delicacies.

You rarely want to focus on the middle class, unless your show is about the occult and how people from the lower middle class pawn their life savings to ward off evil powers, or fight queues at the government owned ration shops. Stick to young girls rescued from the flesh trade, boys with mutilated limbs being forced into begging, teens in slums barely able to support themselves holding babies and cows eating from open dustbins. We don’t have books or an education system you see, so no point in any of that, the same goes for modern medicine and scientists. Oh if you do want to take a jibe at our scientists, then talk about our lunar mission and immediately cut to a scene where an infant under a flyover is eating mud. That is a great way to ease into a commercial break and keep the viewer interest at a high.

Employ a Sitar player for some morose tunes and add a good measure of the Tabla for dramatic scenes. Sunsets, animals and the break of dawn go best with flute music. The only other instruments you may feature are the ones used in the rural parts of the country. Talk in a deep sad narrative and take pity even at the setting sun for it is ashamed of the suffering of the people. Be sure to talk to or weave into your show various characters like semi-naked tribals, servants in houses, slum dwellers, hermits, corrupt politicians, lecherous guides and whores. Every story needs a whore
and a flashbackEvery story needs a whore and a flashback of how she was forced into it, this is probably a good place for the dramatic Tabla music. Child labor is an important aspect and you could get your driver to slap him at the chai-stall and how you offer to help the boy and inquire about his education. Snakes are an important aspect so you might want to show your driver as a believer and someone from his family to have angered the snake-god and died to a venomous bite resulting from the curse. Your politician could be someone whom you approach to help the slum dwellers and then you reveal how he’s believed to have siphoned off funds meant for the poor and drives a BMW. Hermits make good viewing with their disheveled attires, ash covered bodies and ganja addiction. If you are adventurous and your show has an adult rating you could even do a small segment on the aghora cult, their practices of cannibalism and connections with world of the dead. If you have time you could also show inept government offices functioning without reason, where nothing moves without a hefty bribe and how NGOs are fighting a losing battle against the system. Most important of all is the mother of five in a slum unable to make ends meet, and the odd jobs she does can only buy enough food for one. She’ll have a drunkard for a husband who physically abuses her or is dead after consuming spurious liquor. The kids will have flies on their open wounds, dressed in rags or even naked with their ribs clearly visible.

We are a country that is always drowned in sorrow, we have never laughed and so be liberal in that portrayal. There is death everywhere, disease and exploitation. The filthier and miserable you show us; the closer you are to showing the real India. Don’t be afraid in showing how the host of your show was moved to tears on seeing our plight, a white person crying brings in higher TV ratingsa white person crying brings in higher TV ratings. Animal shows have a totally different template, but don’t worry we’ll find a way to weave in the pain & suffering. There are plenty of forests where you could show animals living in harmony with their surroundings. Tigers care for their young, elephants bathe their calves, and monkeys train their young to swing across trees. The mother lion hunts deer for its cubs and fends off unwanted guests, oh the possibilities are countless. Before the audience take it for another NGC show, cut to the tribals, their habitat being cut down due to expansion of cities, cheetahs killing their kids & livestock. There you have tears and suffering also you’ll be able to run a 5min reel on their food and unsanitary living conditions. All tribals are savage, for nobody likes to see happy faces. Give them a few trinkets to act menacing and you get award worthy shots.

No show is complete without interviewing an activist or an NGO working towards the suffering of our people. Many times the same person doubles up as your translator and guide depending upon your budget. They will give you insights into the abject disregard for the poor by the corrupt governments and help you translate the saddest and ghastly exploitation stories where you could use the sitar music hitting a crescendo. Don’t forget the sunrise and sunset shots near rivers and lakes, even better if you catch someone bathing or an animal drinking. Always remember to mention how the cities are overpopulated and migrants pour in each day in search of a better life. Diseases such as AIDS, malaria, jaundice & typhoid are good to show for then you can show people turn yellow or cough incessantly. Your last section must be reserved for the million temples and our lunacy to pray to idols of gods in various forms & shapes. Few shots of the architecture of the temples and will be good, but don’t overdo it. Cut to the bad state in which most of them are today and show a few deserted ones. In case you have to show a rich temple with gold plates on the outside, you can instantly nullify it by showing the weird practices, blind beliefs, animal sacrifices and tales from the crypt. As you roll the credits have your anchor/host hangout with a few expats as they share their stories and show off carpets, scarves & bangles they bought on the bustling streets of India!

End your show with a quote by the mahatma on peace and equality, sit back and wait for your award.

(Image Courtesy: IndiaCSR)

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When movies are about to release they have these huge audio functions. People throng to see the stars while some dance troupe lazily prances to the tunes. People from the industry wish the movie success and shower the actors with bundles of exaggerated praise for their non-existent acting skills. Now cut to a book launch, the author comes down to a book shop and reads out passages from the book. How interesting no? Now if they got someone like a Raju Shrivastav to read out passages and mimic various voices for the characters, that would atleast be fun. Non-fiction writers can invite someone with an Ameen Sayani baritone for the narration, but what beats me is why would you want to scare the buyer with your boring voice and then cry for dipping sales? Many might be just killing time at the bookstore appearing to look smarty & check-in on foursquare.  While in real they might be just waiting because the security guard at INOX won’t let you in 10mins before the movie in the mall. It is also a great change to get quoted in the papers for there’s always some journalist types around. This may also be your chance to declare your love for Oprahji, despite her having nothing to do with this book launch or even literature for that matter. If you don’t like what I’m saying then go ask Abhishek Bachchan, apparently he’s good at giving ideas that don’t work. Last heard Gibson had contracted him for an ad campaign selling guitars to all Idea subscribers as their SIM cards can now be used as guitar picks.

(Image Courtesy: TOI)

 

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(What sort of a name is James Bilahari, well I certainly cannot ask that question)” Oh it was fun working with ARR, but he was obsessed with lyrics and how they would sew into the lattice of his tunes, He still hasn’t got the concept that music is the main ingredient and lyrics are just like a meetha paan after a heavy rajasthani thali”

“what greatness saar, what thinking. Is that the reason why you always choose to employ words that have no meaning in your albums, and yet manage to churn out hits?”

“Who said the have no meaning, they may have no meaning in the languages you know. Doesn’t mean they don’t make sense in any of the 6000+ languages spoken all over the world. Can you or any of your ARRtard friends in the media prove it?”

“You are right sir, most certainly. This is all a media-driven conspiracy to defame you and stop your ascent from toppling ARR from the zenith of musical greatness”

“Apdi podu, I have a term for such words and I call them kasamusa-kissumissu. I have a huge collection of such words which I use in various songs as and when needed. Do you know that I sometimes create my own kasamusa-kissumissu when I’m composing a tune. The tune speaks to me and such words miraculously appear in front of my eyes. I am truly gifted in that way, praise the lord. ”

“This will serve as a tight slap to all those who proclaim ARR to be a saint sir. Tunes may come to him in his sleep, but you get words that mean something in a different languages come  to you. You are the true saint. ”

“Music knows no caste, creed, religion or borders, then why curtail that with lyrics that root you to a particular demographic? My tunes give listeners in any part of the world something to relate to when they hear a Kasamusa-Kissumissu.”

“What flasaffy saar, Now when Bengalis listen to a Tamil song, they no longer have to feel alienated. There is a common ground where both bongs & tams don’t understand certain words!”

“Exactly, lyrics in songs and TATA Sumos in south Indian cinema both serve no purpose whatsoever. The former is to help lyricists win awards and the latter just keep getting blown up all the time”

“Somewhere only you wentoff saar, what do you have to say about the allegations of plagiarism against you? ”

“haha #wastefellows, If I only copy others tunes then they have a case against me. But i don’t even spare my own tunes, yet they outrage? I am just drawing inspirations from all over the world including my previous work, I even tried to sue myself, yet these people are after me. It is just a passing cloud, let it go”

“Saar they say you have done something very different and path breaking in your latest album, Nanban?”

Aah asku laska amo amo aai asthu asthu laibae
aha habo bolinga chintha chintha ishku ishku meela

“Sample these lyrics, this is my crowning glory and I am going to change the music industry for ever. In the past I have only used a word or a phrase in my songs, but this time I have composed an entire pallavi in kasamusa-kissumissu. Think about it, this open a whole new market for our songs and paves the path to be come chartbusters in the world scene”

“whatay, you had composed a Chinese song for 7am Arivu, which itself was path breaking. But now you have broken new barrier with this. Imagine kids in Ghana, old people in Romania, Teens in Russia and mothers in the Fiji Islands will all be able to  hum your songs and appreciate your music without feeling alienated. You have truly arrived saar, what made you take this step?”

“The first thing that comes to your mind when you think of any song composed by me are the kasamusa-kissumissu, they stay in your mind for longer than usual lyrics. So instead of a Oh maghazeeya, or a randakka I now give the world an entire pallavi. Even those smart people on twitter are stumped by this and fail to come up with any mokkais or anagrams”

“You are correct, #Mokkaimasters like @mohank & @Ajit_Bhaskar who were ripping apart raagas during the margazhi season stand shocked like Daryl Cullinan against Shane Warne’s flippers! Also the #worldfamous @diogeneb who is currently attempting to enter the record book for anagramming an entire chapter of the Bhagavad Gita was lost for words. No words saar, they have no words for your brilliance.  Thank you for enlightening me, I shall now go and memorize these lyrics”

(Images Courtesy: TOI, graphjam)

Click here to view the embedded video.

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Patiala House: Akshay Kumar probably thinks he is adored in UK & Canada. How else do you explain this sad excuse for a movie torn between racism and cricket. At first you think this is another one such movie where a bunch of bald white men beat up desis at the drop of a turban. Later you see someone trying to break into the English cricket team.  Cliched lines, anti-gora sentiments, disillusioned NRI’s and amidst all that Aksha Kumar doing a bad Sreesanth impersonation. Nikhil Advani continues to disappoint yet somehow manages to work with some of the biggest names in the industry. Let us forget the ease with which Akshay gets into the English team, wrecks havoc in the international scene, fails badly in the final game owing to depression and then miraculously rips through wickets the moment he spots his father in the stadium. Ignore this & the racism piece, you’ll have a very nice 25min movie!

Thank You: Haha another Akshay Kumar film, would you believe if I told you I actually like him and have watched every movie of his.  Three happily married womanizers are brought on track by a detective hired by their wives. Now where have you heard this before, pretty original ain’t it? How I wish it ended there, instead you have oodles of sentiment throw in the mix with one of the couples breaking up. The guy takes to drinking, the girl is about to get married, more tears, more senti songs and Akshay Kumar gets shot in the last scene. Unfortunately it doesn’t end even there, Akshay has a flashback involving a dead wife who took her own life suspecting her husband having an affair. Even a Malaika Arora item song fails to invoke any interest because the cacophonous music by Pritam kills your senses.

Haunted-3D: India’s first stereoscopic 3D film, hahahahaha whatay joke! Mahakshay Chakraborty as a hero, well we shall try not to laugh for that. Had they made a simple ramsay movie in 3D, it would have still been watchable. Vikram bhatt had other plans however, here we have a rapist who after getting killed, comes back as a ghost to continue the act. There’s more of this drivel when the victim commits suicide, the rapist ghost now goes after the victim ghost! Mimoh travels back in time to 1936 to stop the events and travels back to ensure the mansion is ghost-free. Watching all those wooden expressions in 3D is something I missed, but I bet they’d be worth the price of admission.

Ready: Don’t tell me how many millions the movie made, it is still a piece of shit even if Salman Khan manages to pull a string of pearls from his rear! A somewhat funny Telugu film is remade in Hindi and the parts that were the funniest are replaced with slapstick sequences. The seemingly witty lines are lost in translation and the movie is placed abroad for no reason. I wish there was a hat that zapped anees bazmee with electrical shocks, every  time he came up with a chaddi joke or kids peeing on the faces of adults. I was surprised with how each and every joke made me groan, even school kids can come up with atleast one original joke that can make you smile. If that’s not it you have pritams music to give you a brainfreeze, he is so much better when he steals tunes.

Double Dhamaal: They could have shot the Jalebi Bai portion as a music video, released it in theatres and still would have been able to charge people half the ticket price to see it on the big screen. Instead they yanked javed Jaffery from the sets of boogie woogie and made him mouth some of the most horrible lines of the year. Dhamaal was bad, yet they made a sequel that makes rolling in the sewers a better way to spend 130mins. The template is pretty simple, foreign locales, cheap mimicry, taking potshots at other films, and item song and a gora villain. Whats worse is that, in the last scene the actors break the fourth wall to proclaim there will be a third installment!

Murder 2: I hope the Bhatts sell tickets to get a peek at their DVD collection, for I’ll be fist in line to prostrate at the temple of piracy! It’s come to a point where you no longer care to find out which movie they’ve ripped off this time. You have the standard bhatt set-pieces like steamy scenes, psychopath killers, good music and hotties for emraan hashmi to smooch. In most crime thrillers they atleast keep the identity of the killer hidden till the last reel, here you know that half way into the movie and are just waiting for the climax scene. I watched it for the music and the premise that involved a lot of steamy scenes, but when a killer wears make-up & castrates himself, you know its time to leave the cinema hall!

Aarakshan: How can a prakash jha movie starring Amitabh Bachchan make it to this list? It can if the second half of he movie has no co-relation to the first half and treads on a entirely different premise. While the first half is mildly gripping and briefly explores the caste divides that threaten the education system, the second half is a battle between two coaching classes. Casting Deepika Padukone & Saif Ali Khan in roles that require some degree of acting doesn’t help either. Neither of the two get to shed their clothes and thus taking away their single biggest selling point. The movie just drags with over-the-top acting, cliched lines and you seem to be bound to your seat until the moment hema malini appears and delivers a ‘All your base belong to us’ tirade.

Not a Love Story: It pains to put a RGV movie on this list, I’ve always felt I was one of the few who got his movies and the train of thought behind them. Riding on the popularity of a murder case, the movie was made withing 20 days and shot at the very same building where the heinous crime was committed. With a one-line plot you’d expect the story buildup, tight screen play and some well shot scenes to keep it afloat. Sadly none of that happens and all you have is the camera flirting with the thighs of Mahie Gill & peeking into her inner wear. It is time we pray that RGV keeps away from shaky camera stunts and makes movies that have atleast a one-page plot.

Mausam: Shahid Kapur is an IAF pilot, there that one sentence should be enough to drive you away. You see the movie is set during a time where there are not phonelines or even a postal system. How else do you explain the following. Boy meet girl at a friends wedding, next morning the girl leaves for kashmir & the dejected boy joins the IAF. Years later they again meet in scotland, but before the can exchange any contact info the boy leaves for a mission and the girl is left to cry this time. They finally meet in Ahemadabad during the riots where the boy with a paralyzed arm rescues a boy who they later adopt after getting married! Devoid of any logic whatsoever, this movie is long painful and the scenes where one yearns for the other will make you slit your wrists.

Rascals: David Dhawan has been reduced to a sorry shadow of his glorious days in the 90s. Things don’t look good the moment you name your lead characters Chetan & Bhagat so that you can run a few jokes using the popularity of a so-called author. The comedy was crude & harsh even by my standards and included starving orphans, handicapped people and blind-man jokes. The gags were not only boring, but were were picked from email forwards that stopped circulating since 1999. Taking potshots at Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s movies and ample skin show by the ladies still cannot salvage this sinking ship. Someone told me the movie was a desi version of dirty rotten scoundrels, had they stuck to it and made a scene-by-scene remake, it would have been a fun ride. Sadly we have to add bollywood masala and tadka to ruin everything.

Ra.One: The most expensive hindi film ever made backed by a media jamboree that involved some of the worst possible ways to promote a movie, had failure written all over it. SRK speaking weirdly accented hindi at a gaming conference full of foreign speakers, eating spaghetti with yoghurt because that’s what tamilians do! Chinese fighters named iskilee, uskilee & sabkilee are supposed to be funny, so is the scene with a security guard getting excited to see SRK’s pierced nipples. Then you have a widow who flirts with a cyborg that reminds her of her dead husband, in a very decently clad in a transparent red saree. Oh did I mention the whole premise of a movie revolves around a game character coming to life to kill a 12yr old who is unbeatable in the game?

Desi Boyz: Poor Akshay Kumar, I swear I didn’t mean to pick on him but it has been a torrid year for him. He took off his clothes along with John Abraham hoping the audiences would identify their real USP and forget that this is a movie not a calendar photoshoot. They even got Chitrangadha Singh and Deepika Padukone to smoulder on the screen but there is only so much skin you can show before people ask you for a plot and other movie ingredients. Lines laden with double entendre, gay jokes, professors who strip and a court scene where an escort hands over his card to a female judge making her squeal in joy, yes this is the kind of stuff that will land a movie in this list.

Rockstar: The pyaasa of this generation somebody said, no director has ever done justice to AR Rahmans tunes before another squealed. While I don’t hate ARRtards as they are affectionately called, I most certainly have a problem wen people seem to ignore the loose plot and retarded screenplay hiding behind an awesome soundtrack. The plot has more holes than a busy road dug up for metro/flyover work, Ranbir maintains a constipated look throughout the movie and yells in anger at the drop of a hat. Somewhere along the side you also have a dying girl whom the whole movie seems to revolve around.

Feel free to disagree and add your own, but this is my list of stinkers for the year 2011.

(Images Courtesy: glamsham)

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Now comes the part where I’ll side with the women coz the besharam-duo find their true calling and should really pursue stripping instead of their so-called acting careers. Song over, happily clapping punju aunties in the row behind groan as long-legs-padukone finds out, dumps her fiance while stripping isn’t on child services’ approved-career-options list for guardiansa nd they send the kid to a foster home. OK Now think this through for a minute, you’re unemployed, you’re stripping career is bust, you badlly want to bring back your foance/nephew into you life. What will you do? Break bricks? Sell Pizzas or some other honest-hard-work based attempt to show youa re trying to set things right? That’s where comes the directorial genius, maas-ki-dukaan lives in a trailer outside long-legs-padukone’s house while her father assists in the stalking. The other, oh boy this is gonna be fun, goes back to college to finish his degree! I won’t complain here for the wooomaaan makes her entry as an economics prof. I’ll pretend to be deaf when you tell me that she was Akki’s bacthmate, hopelessly in louww with him while he ignored her for being fat and canoodled with the cheerleaders. Still madly smitten by Akki, she grinds him at a salsa club on the pretext of teaching him economics. Still deaf remember? So when she helps him prepare for a test by dropping a layer of her clothing for every correct answer, I’m happily conveying mouth-waterfalls. There’s a song, more hotness, more grinding and then after Akki manages to graduate, she vanishes into the sea of milk where she probably came form in the first place. The maas-ki-dukaan-LSE-Grad is still camping outside long-leg-padukone’s house harassing her dates and setting new standards for all stalkers. Say all you may, but why find a real job to win over you love when you can stalk the shit out of her!

Assume you somehow manage to overlook everything until this point, you are then struck by a custody case. Now the whole premise of the movie justifies stripping so that the kid doesn’t have to go into a foster home, remember? Despite my love for court-scenes(I’ve watched that sequence in meri jung numerous times), this is hard to digest for they quiz each of Akki’s clientele on the details of their ravenous exploits. This is understand is standard witness interrogation procedure, and since we are talking about bold subjects like male-escorts, gay jokes are commonplace. When the greatest man-whore in London struts into a courtroom, flirts with the judge & hands her a card with a discount, you assume that is standard procedure in british courts! At that point, you don’t care who wins the case, or if the defense counsel is gay or if DesiBoyz the company is accepting applications for man-whores. Only one thing matters and that is…… Chitrangadha Singh is a wooomaaaan!

PS: The movie doesn’t deserve anything more than a 3, but for Ms.SIngh takign her shirt off, I’d give it a 4/10.

PPS: This review could have had just one sentence and still suffice, it’s a boring Sunday evening with nothing on TV so more reason to elucidate, Chitrangadha Singh is a wooomaaaan!

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(haiiyo another pyaar toh unka jhoota hain case) “The story is based in Delhi right? Maybe I can write a song for Harzat Nizamuddin, will you like that?”

“Sirjee, no problem sirjee. I will make that an integral part of the movie, people will sing every year in SareGaMaPa’s sufi episode!”

(wastefellow, It will be like fiza where nobody remembers anything but Haji Ali) “Sure sure that will be great, how many songs do you need?”

“Story toh hain nahin ji, I only have an ageing out-of-work ABCD model & an angry Ranbir who is tired of his long hair. So 12-14 songs should do it, I promise you I won’t cut them out like that Delhi-6 fellow.”

(aama da, unnaku enna. story a script a) “Don’t worry Imtiaz bhai, I’ll take care of that. You’ll hear from me in a month.”

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Dei go find if that Mohit Chauhan fellow is vetti. Tell him I have like 9-10 songs for him in an album. Ask if he will give double-digit discount”

“Sir, but why him? He cannot even play thilana on his harmonica. In low voice he can do humming that’s all. Plus we already gave him life with that Khoon Chala song no?”

“Theriyum da, He is Pritam’s favorite. If we hire him this Imtiaz fellow won’t even realize how inexpensive it was for us to do the album, Full profit only”

“Saar somewhere only you wentoff saar, 10 is not his lucky number it seems, 9 means he is ok nu solaran”
———————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Ranbir, I need you to look angry. Grow your hair, scream, scowl and kick your legs as the cops drag you”

“yes sir, aaaaarrrggghhh aaaaarrrggghhh”

“Cut cut no no cut it yaar. I need more anger & more kicking, arrey someone show him the climax scene of that Chandramukhi movie yaar”

“But Imtiaz sir, How do I channel my anger?”

“OK I know it, Aditi Rao will now be the journalist. Here, this skinny molly will now be your love interest”

“This reed-ki-dukaan? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ”

” aaaaand Action!”

———————————————————————————————————————————————-
“Ok now listen kiddo, only if you are heartbroken can you be a great artist”

“Fine, what do I need to do, pick up a chick and wait for her to dump me? ”

“Nah kiddo, You get to befriend her, get drunk, watch a dirty movie, drive away to kashmir and then help setup lights and chairs at her wedding”

“Where is the break up? At what point do I drown in sorrow and become a great musician?”

“Patience Kiddo, you’ll get kicked out of the house, take refuge in a dargah and then perform at maata ka jaagaran”

“Still not feeling heartbroken. Also stop calling me kiddo, We aren’t in a Gautam Menon movie”

“Ok look at the girl you are going to fall in love with, now?”

“dimag-ka-shot aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ”

” aaaaand Action!”
———————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Our next location is Prague, that way we can do justice to ARR’s brilliant soundtrack. Also pakkya remind me to organize concerts all over the country when we get back after the audio release”

” Brilliant so now we get to do shots, pick up whores, visit strip clubs. Ah deja vu, just a lil more posh!”

“Yes you meet her as she is about to see a psychiatrist, sweep her off her feet and be the other-man in her marriage ”

“I get that, but why is she seeing a psychiatrist & will the junta not ask how a small time artist records songs in Prague? ”

“She’s having an affair, you get to sleep with her”

“Palank-tod aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ”

” aaaaand Action!”
———————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Now you are a star, angry all the time, spit on groupies and shove journos, also you again get to kick your feet and get dragged by cops”

“OK why are lawyers out to sue my ass, why do I keep getting arrested and wasn’t I deported form Prague?”

“Sssshhh here’s your guitar, now go lip sync that sadda haq song”

“Wadda faak, I don’t have any rights of my own, also why are people waving that free tibet flag? Who the hell releases an album called ‘negative’ ?”

“Don’t worry kiddo, you can be posh & play guitar while Shammi Kapoor sahab plays the shenai”

“Wait, why will someone like him want to record with me? The audience is gonna ask you know”

“This girl is back in your life & has terminal bone marrow”

“her again? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ”

” aaaaand Action!”
———————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Your girl is bedridden, but your very presence makes her sit up, She musters strength to walk down the stairs and into your arms”

“Is this because Rahman composed a ‘Shirdiwale sai baba’ song for this scene? Also how does hanging out with me increase her blood count? ”

” Ok fine I’ll let you scowl and scream at journos again, and then we can shoot my favorite scene ”

“Don’t tel me my music cures her, even KJo can’t sell that shit with SRK ”

“She goes into coma, you are dragged by cops screaming & kicking. Then during your final performance, you see her walk towards you from the crowd but its not her. She has moved to a happy place ”

” Wait how does any of that make sense? Also why this Braveheart type aatma sighting scene? ”

” You got her pregnant & she croaked”

“Maa ki kirkiri aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ”

” aaaaand Action!”

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

PS: Give this to Kalpana Lajmi and change liek 20mins of the movie. You will have the story of a free spirited girl, who gets pigeon holed in her marriage, leads an adulterous life with her college friend, contracts a terminal disease and then he re-enters her life to rekindle the feelings. The circle of womanhood is complete with her pregnancy but her body is unable to take it as he slips into coma. Now someone go make that movie!

PPS: I’ll go with 4/10 for this. Deserved only 3, but 1 extra pt for Kun Faya & Sadda haq
(Image Courtesy: rediff)

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Now is you are living on pension retirement fund and sitting on easy chair telling hare rama hare krishna means fasting is simple matter. Whatisthere maximum you will dieoff, but everything else in life you did na? Or you are wearing orange dress and shouting “I like the bhajan” and fasting means then also ok, anyways you have decided nothing in life you want. Why they are coming and deadkilling youths like us ya? Then they are to be the telling, we are fasting means we are getting the gowramentu job. Like that means tomorrow all beggars outside birla mandir will come and
ask for
gowramentu joball beggars outside birla mandir will come and ask for gowramentu job, who all they will give? If you are fasting means stomach is maybe going inside, but new state is not coming. Now they are not releasing the latest Allu Arjun film, how we are to be taking the potti for shikaar if they are doing laikthat? Arrey last week Lumbini park mein my friend and his potti were doing some botany something means these fellows are coming and breaking all statues and catching them for doing indecency. Now they are talking of gowramentu job, once they are to be getting state means then they will addoff all that reservation. Then also same struggle now also that only, like this it will continue means they will issue visa for entering telangana. Also one potti I am liking very much, everyday in bus she is smiling at me, means she is going deewana for me. But then she is from Rayalaseema and if this will kondinue means then we are going to be having one veer-zaara level fight a? Pls to help Baba, what we are to be doing with this nuisance?

Ontikommu LokendraTejaPratap Reddy(LTP)
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Ah young love, I’ll leave it to the comment space to address his issue. Oh and the rest of you stay out of trouble and always remember, “I like the bhajan”

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