May I Pope thy cherry?

To,
The College of Cardinals
Door No. 367, Vivekananda st,
near Vatican City bus stand,
Vatican City.

Respected Dean Sir,

I hope this letter finds you in the best of health, being serviced by teenage boys while you continue to teach the subject of Cardinality at your college. In full disclosure I must admit that the subject of one-to-one & one-to-many relationships in data base tables has never enticed me that much. I however do like set theory & mathematics being my strong suit, I feel I am best suited to join your college. I had learned from my close sources that on the account of one of your colleagues retiring prematurely from his position, a lot of names have been thrown into the ring as possible replacements. I have tried finding the location of this link on the internet & my my trusted source in the Vatican(the Nair who owns the tea-stall adjacent to your premises) has also given up. Our guess is that the said ring is in your chambers and we figured that it would be rude to break in & submit my name. I hereby am writing this letter that not only announces my candidature, but will also give your members a better chance to know me before they cast their votes in my favor. I’m not quite sure about the size of your ring, but feel free to roll up this letter & shove it in, till it comes out the other way.

I strongly feel I am your only choice and the others names that you shoved in your ring are just bogus. You simply cannot elect another European guy, this is
not
a James
Bond franchise
this is not a James Bond franchise to enforce zonal restrictions on such things. You certainly can’t go to the brits because they have bad teeth, they bow in servitude to a queen & they just hosted the Olympics. That’s enough popularity for that region to enjoy for another century, plus you can never tell when Danny Boyle will make a movie about a Vatican slum dweller who wins a contest that puts him in the running to be the next pope! Now that would be really awkward if the Pope at was British & a movie like this came out. Then you have the Americans, I mean NorthAmericans and jsut USA not Canada. Don’t worry, for even the Canadians know that they are a vestigial organ like Nepal and are cool with it. God himself/herself has tried to wash away those guys with numerous hurricanes, but they are very resilient and refuse to give up. Think of an unflushable turd the morning after you hogged a giant gujrati thali, good job! Now try to unthink it because I merely implied it, you were the one who inferred it & made a connection.  Plus you don’t wan’t to pick someone from a country that has given you Dan Brown & Tim Tebow. I swear on an elephant headed god that if you even consider Tim Tebow, I shall withdraw from this race. I can however see why you would like a guy who is allergic to holding a ball as the next Pope for that will help you in rebuild an image. Be warned however that he’s sued to showering with a bunch naked guys and is benched in a side that prefers a latino to him.

Let us now talk about the South Americans, I think they’re really hardworking and will surely strive to clean the image of your college. However the only downside here is that they may often be mistaken & asked to landscape your lawnsmistaken & asked to landscape your lawns. The only other guys worth considering are the Brazillians for they just adore their women and that is a good thing given all the bad backdoor press you’ve been getting. For the first time we may have a pope who can look stunning in a bikini, but then you’ll have to clean up after his activities during a Rio festival. The come the Africans, hahahahahahaaha, one sec, hahahahahahaha ok okI’ll stop. But stil, hahahahaha, no wait were you really considering a black pope? Well it may be a good move to showcase a shining product of your mass conversions & add increase the stock of your evangelic dollars but still, come on hahahahahahaha. While it may result in a drastic reduction of racial chants at soccer games, “Your Holiness” may end up being the biggest racial slur. Also you’ll have to be sensitive and not release white smoke to signal the successful selection, but if you released black smoke then hahahahahaha. You surely can’t be thinking about the middle-east because they only thing of interest there are oil, Oscar nominated movies & women with beautiful eyes. Picking up an Arab may make the dress selection easy for they are used to horrible log flowing gowns & a hundred layers of fabric. However their idea of a harem doesn’t consist of 72 teenage boys. A south east Asian pope may be an interesting premise, for it could bring in a few billion new converts to Catholicism, and no body ever cares if the pope is speaking in latin or mandarin. The only downside being that nobody can get a glimpse of the new pope from the balcony at the Vatican.

Your best and only choice is to go desi & that’s where I come in. While we may favor many religions, I must let you know that we have the highest respect for Catholicism. We’ve entrusted the fate of our country in the hands of one and our biggest scams often have an Italian connection. While the Vatican may have been cool with the entire Dan Brown thing, we burnt his books & did not let movies based on that release in our cinema halls. What do you have to say for a country that was up in arms protecting the faith when even the Vatican chose to look away? I have brought peace to the Karnataka BulldozersI have brought peace to the Karnataka Bulldozers after they were wronged by the Chennai Rhinos in the previous edition of the CCL. It was only after my intervention that they have decided to look past their differences and bygones be bygones. I have constantly been feeding the starving millions of Namitha fans with unseen pics from her photoshoots & keeping the youth of the country at bay from revolting against this oppression of bodily exposure. If not for me Narendra Modi could not have become CM for another term & Himesh Reshammiya would still be judging music reality shows. I am a true spiritual leader, so I might as well do it in a hideous robe, headgear & a swanky office. It would be a good idea to have a Pope who has seen something of life outside the church in the last few years. Since you like giving nicknames after breakfast items, I could be Pope Ravaidly, or even Pope Andaburjee. I promise, that you will certainly not regret this decision and the entire city will wake up to the warm smell of bisibelebath each morning. Also my trusty tea-stall source, has brought to my attention that in the name of election you guys smoke up the finest stuff from across the globe. Ha! you probably thought with all that white smoke, nobody would be able to sniff up those chimneys eh? I wish to ensure you that your secret is safe with me & if selected, I shall bring along with me the finest stuff from my sad-dude friends in Varnasi. Or I could just ask my buddy Rajinikath to you know……….

Jesus is coming, Look busy
Baba Bangali

(Image Courtesy: comcast)