Ram your Ganga has become dirty

Bhaktas, this is your friend, guide and resident philosopher Baba bangali in the house. You see it is the birthday of a buddy of mine and that means I get to bring him to this space and roast him. OK we shall go easy on the roasting, for we don’t want to incur the wrath of fascist groups. We did a similar rendezvous last year as well and the feedback was mostly positive. We did however receive a few threatening mails asking us to take it down, but in politics all this normal only. We therefore shall continue the trend and take a look at the latest affairs gripping our country today, viewed from a lens of mythology. Now please note that, just for the sake of conversation and filling up whitespace we’re not going to discuss the health care reforms or the floating garbage patches. Actually we could but my guest requested we keep the topics more closer to home and in areas he could relate to. That means I have to trash my cue cards that had pointers about the pope’s ushers, Rehman Malik, and the earthquake in Chile. Going extempore was no biggie for here was a deity who has been dragged into every possible imbroglio known to man. Last heard there were riots in Gorakhpur when a fight broke out between two groups on whether Rama or Ganesha ought to be invoked before inaugurating a public lavatory. While one group maintained that Ganesha being the Hindu god of obstacles would ensure smooth operation of the lavatory’s sewer systems, the other argued that its proximity to Ayodhya warranted salutations to Shri Rama. Not sure what the man himself feels about it, but we shall slip it under the rug as SR drops by to chat on politics, his personal life, swayamvars and even the IPL.

BB: Ah rambo, welcome back to Dappan Koothu. Doesn’t feel like it’s almost been a year innit?

SR: Well Baba, ever asked a cricket ball how it feels after being smacked all over the park by that Yusuf Pathan fellow? While for you it may seem like just like last month, only I know the harassment I had to face from the wife.

BB: oops! then we shall keep this one clean, and skirt the lavatory issue away. How about we begin with your demon slaying stories that pimp you into uber macho-land. Like for example your exploits against Taraka and other demons.

SR: Firstly I am a married man and the paragon of virtue. Please don’t use the word exploit and the name of a demoness in the same sentence. It doesn’t sound right and sends out the wrong signals, if my wife gets to hear of it she’ll have me do the fire-test. She’s been seeking revenge ever since I asked her to do it in the emerald island. Secondly, slaying her provoked her son to plot the abduction of my wife which led to more trouble.

BB: Ah come on, Mareecha is an interesting character. Small yet important role that turns the whole movie on it’s head. Plus he wasn’t a bad guy as the others, just a pawn in the grand scheme of events.

SR: Arrggggh, that mareecha fellow has been the bane of my problems so don’t you remind me of him. He could have been any deer, yet he chose gold and had to trot before the missus. Since then to this day women have never been able to get over gold. It’s not like she could wear the
like a
stole and sashay
down the ramp
wear the dear like a stole and sashay down the ramp, yet she wanted to get her hands on the friggin deer.

BB: Haha Mareecha could be the brand ambassador for those Joy Allukas ads. They have gaudy stuff on display anyways, a golden deer wouldn’t hurt them too much. I pity those brides who end up wearing those monstrosities on the most important day of their lives. Speaking of which, your wedding was a gala affair with it’s own share of masala.

SR: Ah don’t remind me of that day, it shouldn’t have ended that way. That bow was heavy alright, but I was on protein supplements and the darn rusty things broke as I tried to string it. Do you know how embarrassing it is for a warrior to have his bow broken in front of an audience? To top it they declared me the winner and betrothed me to the princess of Mithila. Fact is that without the bow they couldn’t continue the contest and by default I was declared the suitor.

BB: Wonder what madamji has to say about this, plus there was a lot of hue and cry after the ceremony.

SR: Dude, this has to be off-record for the missus can’t have a whiff of this. You have any idea how much trouble I could get into? Plus the rusty bow was a gift to King Janaka from a sad-dude who liked to call himself as the axe-man. If not for the wifey’s presence of mind, you wouldn’t be talking to me today. What kind of a sad-dude goes around hacking warriors with an axe, weren’t they meant to meditate under trees and grow long beards? Also when I say axe-man, I don’t mean those lame elevator comercials, this guy was the ultimate pwnzOr.

BB: Talking about swayamvars, do you know that you guys aren’t trending anymore? You’ve been dumped as the hottest couple by #mahajunk and his bride, who are the latest item.

SR: People these days and their fascination for reality television baffles me.You trying to tell me that no one remembers the Arun Govil versionno one remembers the Arun Govil version of me, and instead this guy’s names comes up on search results for swayamvar? Eeeesh, drugs, wife-beater and reality show contestant? These should have been the initial criteria for screening and he fails all three of them. #unselected if you ask me, what’s next? a statue for him?

BB: Ha Ha Rambo my friend, statues are infact now patented by behenji and rumor has it that her statues even adorn the restrooms of the UP assembly. How does it feel to learn that in your home state the ram-janmabhoomi is no longer an issue for statues and cash-garlands have taken forefront.

SR: Dang! I hoped to stay in the limelight for years to come riding the temple wave. A lot of gods envy the fact that I’m mentioned atleast one a week in the news. Looks like now it’s become a dangling pointer orphaned in the sea of current affairs. After fighting years over my temple, demolishing mosques, burning trains and even rioting in my name they now want to put it on hold? As long it doesn’t claim lives, I’m not averse to the idea though a tad disappointed. So what’s with this statue-lady, if she’s so obsessed with seeing herself in every corner, why not just install mirrors where ever she goes? Also what’s with currency-garlands, in our times it was flowers and they weren’t this gigantic. Those could easily go over the neck of an elephant, no that I’m trying to suggest anything here!

BB: Oh I know you buddy, you mean no harm. I must howver break the news to you that unfortunately this year your birthday falls within the IPL season. All festivities will come to a stop by 8PM as the country will thereafter be glued to the screens and try to karbon kamaal katch a DLF maximum hoping to net a Citi moment of success.

SR: Rats! I get one day and they choose to spend that gawking at firangi women who jump in glee every time the camera pans on them? I was going to get even with them, but then the missus warned me bout a guy called Lalit Modi who is supposedly more vicious than the ten-face. I’ve heard that he may use it as a brilliant opportunity to increase viewership by combining the two and luring my senior-citizen quota devotees. The last thing i want is IPL matches streaming in the temple, and logo branding on my idols. I’m happier with the attention I get till 8pm, and oh there are 12 missed calls from the missus, time to scoot!

BB: Thnx rambo, we hope to have you back next year. If the missus permits you to that is!

PS: Title inspired by this song

(Image Courtesy: bhaktiyoga)