Review: Mission Istanbul – Kissin Miss and Bull
Bhaktas,
This is your friend, guide and philosopher, Baba Bangali. Before you think that this is another lame excuse to trash a movie, let me clarify. This not just another review and unlike others we don’t give the movie away nor do we comment on the abject performances. It sure was an ardous task but nevertheless I sat through it. Why you may ask, why does one inflict upon himself such acute agony. This time around there was a reason and it was this dame, She is a favorite at Dappan Koothu and we go to everything to cover her. If this isn’t a run-of-the-mill review then what is it, you may ask. Well Bhaktas, this shall be more of an advice column much like agony aunt. Only difference being that I’m not dealing with relationships but management mantras, image branding and career choices. Sounds interesting? Read on!
#1: Three naked men in a sauna hugging, kissing and staring at each others stuff isn’t really cool.
Not the wisest thing to do especially when it’s in front of the camera and watched by the millions. Maybe I lied, not millions but say 10 people (That includes the director and me). The man built like a bull may be your boss but a sauna is not the best place for a business proposition. I can understand these constant urges that turn on your machismo. Listen to me carefully when I say, if the hug and the stares don’t go well with your boss the very same sauna could be where he’s looking for your replacement. As a great person once said ‘Towel aur aaina jhoot nahin bolti’, OK it was me! What I’m coming to is that there is no point saying ‘What’s he got that I aint got’ once your dumped!
#2: You don’t smile and eat a bag of ‘Lays’ while your name is being splashed across all TV channels and papers.
Here is simple case of improper product placement. You want to show that tough men eat a bag of Lays and that helps them stay cool. I can see that the sponsor is paying you well. But using your un-cool stars in a totally un-cool moment isn’t quit the most intelligent thing to do. People generally panic when their names are flashed on television or at least squirm. If you are going to show your so-called-uber-cool protagonist smile and shirk away the threat with a bag of Lays, then the audience is not buying that! Lays makes you thirsty it doesn’t pacify you while in panic mode. Can someone please tell poor Bhakta Vivek that smiling inappropriately doesn’t make him look cool but its actually quite silly.
#3: Not the best time for product placement while being chased by goons
Another classic case of lack of business acumen. If you’re being chased by 21 goons armed with sticks and baton, you don’t stop to have a soft drink. I can see that you are tired after the chase and the pain of shooting such a bizarre film. Yet that is no excuse to whip out a can of ‘Mountain Dew‘ and go cheers! I’ve seen the ads where a sip of Mountain Dew infuses vigor and gives you an adrenalin surge. However Bhaktas, I feel you’ve taken the ad far too seriously. I can see that they are a beverage sponsor but there can be a better time to endorse it with some snappy product placement. If you want me to sit and believe that a can of ‘Mountain Dew’ can not only quench your thirst but also allay your fears then you’re mistaken. The line ‘Dar ke aage jeet hain’, sounds really cool in a war movie or in a boardroom while risking a product launch. Smiling at a bunch of goons, and crushing a can after chugging its contents isn’t quite macho! I’m only trying to dispel your ignorance Bhakta!
#4: Stick to making our womenfolk cry with your soap operas if you can’t understand the business of film making.
Bhakta Ekta, I acknowledge the fact that you are the queen of the small screen. You exactly know the pulse of your audience and how to deliver candyfloss entertainment. Your women go to bed with loads of jewelery and wake up the next morning with their makeup and hair intact. It sure is a modern day miracle and I at times have felt the urge to ask you the secret behind this. What flummoxes me is that how you chose to ride a motorbike when you can’t even balance a bicycle. I actually liked the basic premise of your film but the non-existent execution is what killed it. Have I told you how much I love this scene? The close-up zooming, alternating black and white shots, stunned expressions due to constipation, and the cooked up emotion! Brilliant Bhakta, stick to such marvels and let the lesser mortals make movies.
#5: You don’t kiss a dragonfly even if he is your ex-husband. Why make the same mistake twice?
This pic may have hurt many of you Bhaktas reading this, especially the young boys. It’s true and quoting a very good friend of mine, ‘Vinasha Kaale Vipareeta Buddhi’ is so apt here. Bhakta, you had the whole of south india at your feet. You’ve paired with everyone from the Superstar to the Megastar. You want to throw all that out of the window for movies like this? You could have atleast smooched the other guy and then you and Aishwarya Rai would have had one mistake in common. However Bhakta, we hope that the great Ganesha grants you some common sense or just head to the nearest Big Bazaar. They afterall calim to have everything at affordable prices. When a guy is out to bash a baddie who is twice as taller and weighs thrice as much, tiger may not be the most appropriate words of encouragement. A lot of women like to call their men ‘Tiger’ but the setting is not a godown and it’s generally dark! You may have to work upon your words of encouragement and ‘Go get him tiger’ isn’t the best thing to say!
I hope to make this section a regular feature, so do mail me your queries.
regards,
Baba Bangali
Where the hell do you get these movies from? I haven’t even heard of this one!
—
me: had to watch something after the senti ‘Kuselan’. You’re not watching enough desi TV if you haven’t heard of it! The promos are everywhere and all major web portals have been doin spl features, interviews and other promo stuff
I second nandini. Where the heck do you get all this?
—
me: Honey you askin this? It’s got shriya! Also I have the dubious distinction of the title ‘Lord of the links’
Baba Bongs is soooooooooo wise. Always leading us to the right movie. Wah! Kya baat hai!!
Baba Bengali ki Jai!!
—
Bhakta, Thi sis the second time you’ve mis-spelt my name. Next time I shall invoke Chanda bhairavi against you!
Zayed Khan as tough journalist- aahaaa yenna kodumai saravana idu?
Mission improbable idu.Erm, who may all those well oiled sauna boyz be?
P.S I’m approving of Shri B.B’s choice of movies
—
me: Hez the face of aaj-tak! Anyways the guys were Zayed Khan, Niketan Dheer and Shabbir Ahluwalia. I donno bout the bearded bald guy but I’massuming he is also a Balaji regular like the last two.
Your Post is nice one. Try to post in Indiha.com for more coverage.
I wonder how Tusshar missed the ride. I also wonder if Vivek is retarded. Is there a worse failure story in phillums?
—
me: I actually liked him in Company and Saathiya. But he has an uncanny knack of signing the wrong films and have I told you that he always smiles at the wrong moment!
Aparadham kshamasva swami!!
—
me:maaf kiya
Review: Mission Istanbul – Kissin Miss and Bull | Dappan Koothu…
Mission Istanbul was a disastrous movie and we try to deconstruct the flaws and what really went wrong….
LOL. At least they had their towels on in the sauna. I never go to the sauna anymore coz the dudes in Cali don’t! I am sure I am not the only one that doesn’t wanna know exactly why his boss has Napoleon complex!
BTW, did you notice the product placement for Coke in Jaane Tu..!
—
me: I hate the locker room in the rec center for the same reason! Coke on the rocks was intelligent and funny. This was pathetic
First tym in ur space…Awesome!! I m short of words now..Zoopppeerrr!!!
Am adding u to my floaters.. 🙂
Cheers 🙂
—
me:thnx
Nee nadathu kanna!
—
me:nandri nanba
Nalla vela! My bro-in-law was like killing me to get tickets…i had this premonition and i said never! Again, nalla vela!
Btw, Zayed Khan gave some major build up and all for the movie….someone please mail him the review 😀
—
me: he he thnx! I hear he put on 11kgs for that shirtless scene!
enna kodumai…why do they even make such movies?
nice review!
—
me: thnx buddy. They make em so that PPl like me can watch em!
Welcome to this space!
Fardeen and Zayed give the Deols a run for their money when it comes to worst actor siblings. This is a movie I’ll sit out. Will probly see Singh is Kinng, releasing this weekend.
—
me: I hear it’s silly yet good…
[…] Singh is Kinng – Better seen on trucks – 5,992 viewsMy friend Ganesha – 4,048 viewsReview: Mission Istanbul – Kissin Miss and Bull – 2,754 viewsAudio Review: Karzzz – Himsa Raagam – 2,394 viewsReview: Bachna Ae Haseeno – Tribute […]