Shakuntala, Get a science textbook!

Bhaktas, This is your resident philosopher Baba Bangali bringing you this update from my cave in the Himalayas. I’ve been away on important business like spamming sites that anger the wise folks over at HJS. I’ve had to set aside my troll activities to focus on a matter of grave importance. This past week, a very disturbing article was brought to my notice and my sympathies are with the mentally unstable columnist. Afterall it isn’t easy to churn out gibberish every week and if you are an agony aunt then the absurdities spike exponentially. I am aware of how difficult it is to answer lovelorn students, unsatisfied couples, coquettish housewives, bored businessmen and hostel tales!

Dinamalar is a so-called leading Tamil daily with a penchant for controversy. Recently they grabbed eyeballs with some irresponsible reporting and now their weekly column does the needful. It starts of with a gay boy writing to the paper for help. There are two gaping holes with that line, firstly who writes to papers expecting serious advice? I always maintained that the papers wrote both the questions and answers to keep it silly, spicy and absurd. Also gay boy in Chennai? #womygaadganesha that is outright
or rather
an oxymoron
outright sacrilege, or rather an oxymoron as these posh English folks like to call it. For the sake of those who are getting ready to outrage, we’ll assume that the query isn’t fake and concocted. The boy elucidates how he was introduced to a whole new world courtesy internet cafes. In my view that makes them the real culprit, for we all know #NoBambooMeansNoFlute. Let us all outrage against Internet Cafe owners in Tamil Nadu instead, I’m sure it will be great fun to break in and burn computers! He also speaks of the gay culture in western countries, oh the horror! I’m sure my bhakta Karunanidhi will ask which engineering college is teaching such things about western culture, for kids aren’t supposed to be exposed to any non-dravidian literature. Let me now get to the column reply by the wise, well-read & astute Shakuntala Gopinath who’s intelligence ranks next to only the #WorldFamous Suppandi .

I read your letter. I guess you are close to 28 years old. You work for a private company. You are a loner. Your handwriting is quite feminine and tells me you are an effeminate man . I think one of the following is the reason why you are a homosexual

Now now my dear bhakta, what do you have against private companies and cursive handwriting? Surely some harrowing experience involving pink-slips for a close relative or being denied an annual raise. Handwriting eh? I’m sure that brings back memories of multi-ruled books and hours of imposition for the not dotting the ‘i,j‘ or the tails of ‘p,g‘ not being long enough! Ofcourse there is also the case where you were ragged by seniors in college to write their lab records by the dozen which adds up to your anger against handwriting. Quite understandably you hate people from private companies and to make things worse if they have a round and legible handwriting, your blood boils to end up marking them as gay!

1. Homosexuality is a genetic disorder

2. Your mother is dead and you were raised by a strict father (or) your father is dead and you were raised by a selfish mother (or) you are younger to 3-4 sisters . You have been exposed at a very young age to lot of women nudity, mostly ugly ones. You got repelled by that without proper understanding.

Ha! nothing what some daily pranayama, rigorous yoga and chwanprash/kayam churan cant fix! I’m sure my esteemed friend Baba Ramdev will agree that it can easily be cured if one attends his 21-day shivir in Rishikesh! I wish to put one saashtaanga namaskaram to the lady for she could predict that the boy has a dead parent! Reminds me of a Akbar-Birbal story where someone accused a court singer of stinking of goat-poop because she drank goat milk as a kid! Bhakta Shakuntala also eggs us to believe that kids raised by single parents or with numerous sisters end up being gay! Brilliant, such conclusions can’t be arrived at even after 20 puffs of ganja at Varanasi!

3. You have bad friends who engage in homosexuality and talk about it

4. You are irrationally angry towards the world and the society. You just want to contradict, and be rebellious, for the sake of it

5. You are a half-baked atheist, who doesn’t believe in god. No religion in the world approves homosexuality

Blame the friends, it always works. When all fails just say #SangathKaAsar and move on with it. Hey I know someone who is always angry towards the world & society, my close friend Pramod Muthalik. He will outrage against anything even your white cow giving birth to a brown calf if the price is right, lets see how he reacts on being called gay! People who contradict and are rebellious just for the sake of it? well well bhakta, you just took the whole opposition in the Lok Sabha down with that one! Dear bhakta, where I get lost is when you introduce the term half-baked atheist. I know those who believe in god and those who don’t, but what does this Bobby Darling of belief that you talk about? Unless this is like the type of cricket lovers who will diss Sachin Tendulkar and his shortcomings, but will secretly do a weekly archana in the temple for his 50th century? Moreover bhakta, what does seeking religious approval have to do with one’s orientation? Clearly no religion promotes idiocy, but then look at you! Your analogy suggest that this will make a killer CAT question of A implies B which implies C therefore A implies C.

6. You have a wrong scientific mentality that leads you to think that you know everything

7. You were raised by an evil step mother who ill treated you

8. You are a trouble maker , anti-social

Bhakta, when you talk of science are sure that you are referring to the one that has life-processes in Xth std? Even if you meant Home Science which is quite popular amongst rural students, it still doesn’t explain the mentality that you talk about. Evil step mothers eh? Bhakta you just brought down Cinderella and made her into a gay fantasy that spoils the fairytale for everyone now! It also puts numerous TV-serial & movie makers out of scripts and ideas to sell their wares as this was a core requirement for female villains. You might want to be careful when you group all trouble makers for Mamta Bannerjee and her minions might take offense. The whole market of Vijaykanth, Dr.Joesph Vijay & Balakrishna put together will outrage for your comment against anti-social elements. It is common knowledge that their movies can certainly not by classified as social!

I completely detest homosexuals. We are all created to lead a life in tune with Nature. Man – Woman relationship is like a relay race, it leads humanity to future generations. Male and female babies are born in the ration of 1:1. A woman is like a flower and a man is like the bee. A bee can feed on the flower, a flower cant feed on the bee . Also a bee cant feed on another bee. A man can’t make babies with another man, that is not scientifically possible. May be they can adopt, but let me tell you, kids raised by same-sex couples will end up as criminals or mentally retarded.

There comes the real emotion and the reason behind all this anger. I love the philosophical angle of how we are all part of a never ending relay race. It is safe to assume that Bhakta Shakuntala lives in a parallel universe with a 1:1 ratio for last I checked, they were importing Mallu wives in Haryana! She was also probably schooled on 70’s regional cinema and that explains her lack of any logic and irrational statements. Only a devout disciple of Raghavendra Rao will adhere to the bees and flowers concept and proudly exhibit it in a newspaper column. Bhakta, all this while I was giving you the benefit of the doubt for being uninformed & mentally unstable, but by going on to say that kids will turn into criminals you just stepped over the line! Mr & Mrs Sobhraj, I hope you are reading this!

I will offer you advice for a good life. Will you listen to me, Son? Clear the fog and try to see things more clearly. You will see the reality. Don’t spend your time on the Internet, pray to god and become spiritual. Try to find a manly-looking girl, like actress Tabu. Don’t let your mind wander into evil ways, come back, come home to god. Homosexuality will gift you AIDS. Do you want to live as a HIV-AIDS infected person for the rest of your life?

Bhakta, you now suddenly developed motherly sentiments after truckloads of bigotry? I actually like when you say those things about the fog and reality, but they apply to you instead. Also my dear what do you have against the internet ruining spirituality? Is it trolls or do you just don’t get the medium? Guessing from that you will probably never get to read this piece. The Akhila Bharata out-of-wrk Actors Association(ABOOA) jut called, they wish to outrage against your comments on Tabu. Apparently M.F.Hussain is still sketching images that he wanted to use in Meenaxi who will now have to make those stick figures manly! Bhakta all your god-based talk makes me think you are a religious evangelist or something on those lines for even Sarah Palin makes sense at times by mistake! How in Ganesha’s name did you come up with the AIDS logic? Forget it Bhakta, I’m not even going to try to decipher that. Let’s just smack you on the head with a NCERT science textbook till you rattle all the chapters and call it quits, OK?

With that I shall go back to meditating in the Shivaliks as my buddy Rajinikanth is waiting for me. Chalo….

(Image Courtesy: Sulekha)