Temple of P00n(al)

maama man by chutney Bhaktas, This is your guide and friendly philosopher Baba Bangali making yet another appearance at Dappan Koothu. While I’ve been away shielding the world from the ill effects of eclipses, and terror threats, you’ve been poisoning yourselves with overdoses of Rakhee Sawant and facing the truth a little too often. Like they always say you never shoot a man running towards a cliff. It was different in the days when kings had to prove their mettle to win a demure princess like Draupadi or speak the truth when quizzed by Yaksha as Yudishtira bargained for the lives of his brothers. When people speak the truth in exchange for cash, a bunch of decision-makers create a ruckus for only they are allowed to take money for asking and answering questions. Before I go on a tangent with the above, I’d like to acknowledge the occasion of Sravan Pournami and with it the dreaded Rakhi festival. This being the only day studs keep away from the preying eyes of women and fear being chased down only to be knotted in brother-sisterhood.

The reasons for the cheeky title have to be elucidated, lest there be a backlash of separatists for maligning Hindu tradition. The temple of p00n is a very famous you-know-what movie and one of the versions features the Dada Saheb Phalke award winner in the dingdong movies category. It’s a spin-off on the Indy Jones movie that had Amrish Puri sacrificing kids in Nepal, only difference here people don’t do anything archaeological but instead fornicate like it’s the end of days. This post though isn’t about actors in dingdong movies and their dash dash prowess but about three strands of thread that caught everyones imagination like wildfire. Yes ladeej and juntalmen we are today going to talk of the Poonal as known in tambram circles, Janivara where Deepika Padukone comes from, Jandhyam as Balakrishna garu likes to call it, yagnopaveetam if you prefer chaste Sanskrit and Janeyu to the people above the Vindhyas.

What’s the big deal with a thread that sits on your shoulder across your chest, you may ask. Well not until recently did I realize that it is a major chick-magnet. OK not all chicks maybe, but atleast a majority of my bhaktas evinced their interest and revealed some of their secrets. I did some thinking and arrived at a hypothesis that maybe its like the male equivalent of a bra strap. Those cute things that women desperately try to hide, but keep sticking out. Well, we try to do the same as it keeps slipping down the sleeve, and even more if you’re playing a sport like me. Some like it when we try to hide them, some animalistically wanna grab at them, some just love it dangling on our shoulders while some have to put with it bouncing of our pot bellies. It’s easy if you have washboard abs like me to flash the poonal, but if you’re not well endowed in the abdomen region, don’t lose heart. We bring you the DappanKoothu guide to maximizing the use of your poonal!

1) Replacement strings for your guitar.

Acoustic, bass, Jazz or Electric jo bhi ho. If Ravana can play the six-string with his intestines then the poonal can easily strum smoke on the water. Imagine you’re in the midst of a performance and hear the dreaded twang, what do you do? Eric Clapton got the nickname ‘slowhands‘ for whenever he broke a guitar string during a concert, he would stay on stage and replace it. The audiences would wait out the delay by doing what is called a ‘slow handclap‘. His father never knew the titanium strength of the poonal! Fear not bhakta, poonal to the rescue, also you’ll have it on person as quick replacement.

2) Hand grenade belt

Ever wondered what would happen if the the priests of the world took to arms. You’ll have Seetarama Sastry heading the worlds biggest terror outfit. Armed the deadliest of mantras and with easy access to fire it’s a recipe for disaster. So if you were on a suicide mission to convert the disillusioned youth to vishnu sahasranamam chanting zombies, what would you do? Take hostages at Mocha/Barista and string as many hand grenades on your Poonal and hide gelatin sticks under the folds of your dhoti!

3) Emergency zip lines

You might remember Shawn Michaels hurtling down Madison Square Garden in wrestlemania with one hand holding a zip-line. The elder generation may remember John Rambo wrecking havoc across Vietnam hanging by a zip line in one hand and a gun in another. Perhaps the climax scene of ‘Naseeb‘ with Pran, BigB and Rishi Kapoor using their rings as ziplines to get out of a burning building may strike a bell. What do you do when you don’t have a pulley/ring to bail you out? How do you think the sad-dudes crossed rivers, without separating them like moses? The answer lies in and you guessed it right in the poonal!

4) Lasso/Ligature strangulation

Remember the scene in Jurrasic Park:II where the nincompoops try to rein in the dinosaurs by lassoing them? Only for the angry reptile to break away and chomp the heads of a few attackers. Such a situation will never arise with the poonal empowered by holy chants of the yajur veda. Cut to an overdose of playing Hitman for long hours and you want to badly strangulate someone say your boss. Wearing the ultimate stealth killing weapon on person will ensure you slip undetected past the tightest of securities. The poonal will cut through the neck like a knife through cheese. Not even CSI or Shivaji Satam’s CID can track this murder weapon to the victim!

5) Back scratchers

Now coming to the most well known and possibly the reason for their existence. Legend has it that a sad-dude named Agastya(The same sad-dude who drank the Ganges in one swig like she was angrezi scotch) was lost in tapasya when a grasshopper kept jumping onto his bare back, causing him to twitch. Despite repeatedly brushing his back with his hands, he found it disturbing his dhyanam. He tugged at the hem of his dhoti to pull three strands and chanted a mantra as he knotted them(bramhamudi). With his new contraption going over his neck to sit on the left shoulder, he could hold the other end with his right thumb and tug at it occasionally. This seemed pretty cool and was lapped up by the whole brahmin community for now they could meditate in the woods in peace. Whenever their kids were ready to seek alms in the hot sun or meditate under the trees, the sad-dudes ensured that they had a poonal. In those days where nycil/shower to shower/boroplus were unheard of and hence poonals were all they had to do with.

All poonals however come only with a 12 month warranty and hence have to be replaced on the brother-sister day. Some people use the renewal as an excuse and change it every three months, acute case of prickly heat I guess. Those of you who wanna score some ladeej, make sure you renew your member ship to the sad-dudes clan with a fresh white poonal. The womenfolk who lust over the multi-functional three-strand marvel can head to your local temple on the morning of #RakheeSawant day and feat your eyes on bare chested men with fresh poonals. Watch out for the pot-bellied uncles though, for that may scar your mental images for years to come.

PS: I don’t claim responsibility for any untoward incidents by trying the above, send your queries to the local shankarmutt though. Those dudes are out of work these days with online poojas becoming a fad!

PPS: Sad-dudes, look at the lighter side of things and don’t go burning buses for me ridiculing your origins.

(Image Courtesy: Chutney)