Bhaktas, I’t been a while since we convened at this space and I have news for you. I have been doing some freelance consulting to quacks from all over the globe and may have finally come up with the best there is in placebo technology since our boy Ganesha chugging liters of milk. No this isnt like those DIY homeopathy pills or reiki healing via phone that I had come up with in the past. This is more badass than a HRD Mos speaking chaste mumbaiya bhai-slang or Jackie Shroff giving a commencement speech at Oxford. Speaking of asses how is my old friend “ass-rub” doing? The last time I spoke to him he he was being chased by his brothers so to speak with sickles in their hands. Poor chap, if only brothers we so sweet, then Philadelphia would boasts of the safest neighborhoods in the world. Enough of talking about cheap quacks, lets talk about the godfather of quacks, ME!
Sitting in a meeting giving suggestions to two members of Indian Parliament about marketing a South African ponzi scheme, I was looking up tickets to London where I’ve been summoned to bless the royal pregnant couple. Now that’s when I had my eureka moment and it dawned upon me that what if we could amalgamate two of the hottest fake placebo inventions. Bhakatas, you have read it here for teh first time, and I present to you the “Tri-vortex Suraksha Kavach“. You see, we are going to take the best of two fake inventions, marry them up and them send them on a honeymoon with the absurd. The child born out of this inglorious matrimony will give the media multiple boners as the cash cows do the macarena. Now you don’t seem all that pleased, so let me tell you how we plan to customize the tri-vortex for your problems. Before that I must tell you that I’ve already sold “tri-vortex suraksha kavach movie reels” to a popular actor who goes by the name universal star. He had some issues in releasing his new movie for alleged reasons that it contained portions that could hurt religious minority. By loading his movie on our customized reels, the movie is automatically sanitized and the movie plays devoid of any inflammatory religious content. I’ve also just sold a large batch of “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach badges” to the organizers of a literary fest who are worried about their attendees taking the free speech concept literally. Now attendees who wear these new badges will find their feeling of free speech suppressed and that will ensure the fest organizers have no further headaches. The “tri-vortex suraksha kavach things ” will create a powerful energy field that will alter the molecular structure of the film reel and the badge wearer thereby freeing them from negative energy like free speech and religious slurs from movie dialogues. Those of you rolling your eyes, please order in bulk and empirically test the effectiveness of the wares I’m peddling and then kindly make an informed opinion. How about we place an initial order of say ten thousand, for empirical testing purposes ofcourse!
I’m also working with my team of scientists in labs across the country, most of whom you would recognize as hakims in tents on the highway, to put the finishing touches on our wide array products. We have the “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach phone charger”, which fills your phone with positive energy and thereby filters out calls from irate bosses, spouses and ICICI credit card agents. We have the “tri-vortex suraksha kavach bras/blouses” for our female followers who wish to enhance their bosoms but not invite stares from lecherous male strangers. The molecularly enhanced bosoms will ward away men who wish to lay their hands upon them. Strangely we’ve been flooded with pre-orders from UP whereas I was expecting that from the country’s capital. I’ve been told that they are all from the residence of an ex-CM, but let’s not talk about that. We also have “tri-vortex suraksha kavach shawls” which when wrapped around grumpy members of parliament will miraculously alter their non-existent molecules and shoot the corrupt gene through their bowels. Sadly no orders have been placed for this one, but one member of parliament was asking if they could be used in hoisting giant flags. maybe I should sell them to chintan shivirs so that we can harmonise the energy of the attendees and induce them into genetic submission to dynasty politics.
I’ve been toying with the idea of “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach pillows” that will cranially increase the number of pure thoughts and reduce dreams where santily clad women dance in the rain. Maybe we could offer “tri-vortex suraksha kavach lava lamps” which when placed at your office desk will clean your email and filter out forwarded emails from infosys employees. For the twitter junta, I have a special something, my “tri-vortex suraksha kavach keychains/usb-sticks” will create cellular coherence that will numb the mind to common sense and suppress the part of the brain that is prone to outrage. Without this you will no longer feel the urge to contest rationale and will be able to accept all the absurdity around you with no pain at all. We’re still trying to perfect the “trivortex suraksha kavach surge protectors” which could change the molecular structure of every appliance plugged into them and the possibilities of that I leave to your imagination. Some angry folks have already asked me to get in the back of some imaginary van, and before I can answer them one gentleman has issued a show-cause notice accusing me of slandering his orientation. Bhaktas, my “Tri-vortex suraksha kavach wireless keyboard” isn’t letting me type anymore faf and I shall abruptly end this message here.
PS: Hello SEO, we meet yet again.
PPS: Some informed reading for you
(Images Courtesy: hindustantimes)