The vedas are like pseudocode

Bhaktas, This is your friendly neighbourhood baba spouting gyaan that is of no use and you will never need. That is probably the reason why only this space carries my teachings while my bearded saffron robe wearing counterparts make millions on television. This past week I have been involved in intense kundalini meditation, and I can feel my kundalini rise a few inches up my spine. For the uninformed, the Kundalini is a big thing in sad-dude circles and it’s proximity to the top of the head is a measure of our street-cred. In a layman’s terms the kundalini is like a golf handicap, the closer it is to the head, the bigger your reputation. We have an annual convention in the Himalayas where the pros(sad-dudes who have attained the sahsra chakra) compete and show off their mystical healing powers, very much like the PGA or Masters in golf. Once you break your meditation, your kundalini falls back to the bottom of the spine and has to be re-awakened, again very much like how rusty you get if you miss a few weeks on the links and your handicap shoots up! You may wonder why I risked the fall of an awakened kundalini to tell you a few silly golf analogies. My Bhaktas, this is far greater than that, and something that will unlock the mystery of our country’s  growth as an economic superpower. Practice your swing and work on your stance, you can bring back your handicap to what it was and even improve on it, same goes with the kundalini.

While meditating, I had an epiphany that unlocked the vedas to me and I could clearly see through the scriptures like you see through the strands of the DNA in popular crime-investigation shows or when you have to regenerate a
species from
the ice age
regenerate a lost species from the ice age. You see I have been reading up on programming methods, OOP best practices, data structures etc not because I am looking to switch careers, that however cannot be entirely ruled out but for now, I am only interested for purely academic purposes. The one thing that I have gathered these days is that unless you are on television, no body gives an aerial fornication. While the 60 + age group markets have been captured by sad-dudes who excel at jaagarans, the 30-50 age bracket has been won over by sad-dudes promising ways to reduce stress, tension, blood pressure and even lymphosarcoma of the intestine in some cases. Now going after the 0-15 age bracket makes no sense unless one is a Physical Education instructor at a school. I don’t see much value in going after the 15-23 age bracket despite there being a huge avenue for exam fears, hypertension & suicidal tendencies, because I know jack excreta on helping with any of those. That leaves me only with the 23-30 age bracket and everyone there is in someway or the other involved with programming/code. I have therefore devoted part of my time to analyze their lifestyles and ways to blend spirituality & the scriptures into everyday life.

You must be familiar with import directives, including header files and other declarations that are required at the beginning of any program across platforms. Your code doesn’t compile without it and the thing won’t budge unless you invoke the required headers. You see bhaktas, this is very similar to the invocation to my friend Ganesha and you cannot start any pooja/homam without that. Then comes the sankalpam which is more like a parameterized constructor/method/function that takes the date, location co-ordinates and occasion as arguments. Imagine there was a function like this that took those arguments and spat out mantras that you could recite. A lot of mantras I have observed, follow templates like this and that makes them very easy to code/recite. Further proof lies in the mantra pushpam which if you ask me is like a recursive function. It just calls itself with the names of all the elements from an array of some sort. Bhaktas, the more I look into these the clearer it becomes to me as to how modern day programming is closely integrated in structure to our mantras. If I were a spokesperson for the HJS, I’d probably extol the virtues of the mantras and how they gave rise to programming, like how the pushpak vimana inspired the Wright brothers or how mythological astras inspire modern day combat missiles. I’d instead appeal to my target audience and show them how cool the scriptures are and all that jazz, atleast that is the current plan. Let’s hope this catapults me into the league of television sad-dudes and prime time news channels invite me as a panellist for my views on the legitimacy of a military deal and the spiritual influences on the timing when said deal was signed.

Baba Bangali

PS: If you are wondering who a sad-dude is, just say it aloud a couple of times.

PPS: This post has a slightly heavy Brahmin feel, kindly adjust

(Image Courtesy: wikipedia)