I speak bleak, you speak meek

We Indians are head and shoulders above all when it comes to butchering the English language. Any attempts to hand the Chinese a gold medal in this event will not be tolerated. They think that they speak English, whereas ours atleast remotely sounds like it! I was finishing up a post just as my friend ‘Kar‘ called to tell me of his new post. Having attended the same college and growing up in a similar environment(I went to a much better school though), I could instantly relate to the sequences. If you are looking for something more witty and funny then head over to ‘sthitapragnya‘, but do read on if you have nothing better to do.

Having studied in one of the most prestigious schools in the city, English was never a problem and it was the medium for instruction as well as conversation. When I was in the VIIIth however, the school hired a Phy.Edu teacher who(for the lack of a better word) was a from a Govt school and a state level volleyball player. He was the reason I begun playing volleyball, not because I was tall or my love for the game but just to hear him talk. We never knew his real name and called him JD(Junior Duryodhan), don’t ask me why but the name just stuck.

We were writing an exam and JD walked in with the question papers, there was immediate chatter on chit-passing techniques, hand symbols, cough-sneeze patterns etc. I know what you are thinking and yes, I have been notorious since then! Suddenly a voice erupts

who is sounding, who is sounding? yeez theej ejjamination haal or feesh maarkeat?

There was pin-drop silence in the room as we were all shocked,not by the outburst but trying to comprehend what he said! It continued for a minute and then everybody broke out into peals of laughter. this was followed by another missile

Yeediats, raaskels, why yuvar laffing re? Yeez Siliku Smitha dancing here or vat?

Maddening silence again with some stifled laughter. Suddenly the bespectacled guy in the front row broke into a titter and banged the desk. A lot of us(including me) were wondering as to who Ms.Siliku really was, but that could be saved for later as the laughter grew deafening. Unable to bear the din, our Chemistry teacher form the adjacent room rushed into reprimand us. What followed was a huge lecture on manners, respect, and general shame-on-you stuff. With great difficulty we finished the exam, but every time we asked for an additional sheet there were chuckles all over. There were only 15 more minutes left and people had begun turning their answer scripts in. A really dhamaal-girl(sorry, no names) had turned her paper and was walking towards the door, when again another gem from JD.

aye you big ribbon, shut the fan and open the window. Let the fresh wind enter.

For those who failed to get it, the girl had huge ribbons to tie her plaits. It was utter chaos as the girl was visibly embarrassed and the laughter was unstoppable. With great difficulty we all finished the exam and turned in our papers.

JD got a lot conscious after this incident and was judicious in his use of words thereafter. However JD did strike back but this post is getting a tad long, so let’s save it for part-two.

(Return of the JD, continued in part-two)

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25 Comments + Add Comment

  • ROFL @ “Sillku Smitha dancing” & “Let the fresh wind come in”. I don’t know if you remember the Physics guy from first yr., some Venkata Rao or someone. He left the college in 2nd yr. Anyway, he’s reported to have said this to someone – “Eeyi! Open the doors of the window and let the climate come in.” and this one beats all – “I saw you in the theatre yesterday with my wife.” Man the guy’s lines still crack me up!

    me: Oh yea applied physics! The climate dialog was in the EEE class during Ist yr…

    • same guy also said “both of you three, get out of the class!” and “why are you rotating in the verandah?”
      it was a pity Babu Mohan never opened his mouth.

      me: his face was enough, nvr had to open his mouth!

      • You from DVR?

        • affirmative. I was the dude who was single handedly responsible for keeping Lacchipati on a leash and kicking Shakila out of college.

  • Lol, you made Sthit’s post a sort of tag. But good one. We have all seen specimens like these. Check out my comment in his.

    me: I’d say everyone do one of these…Wat say PSBB stories?

  • This reminds me of my chemistry sir in class 11 and 12. He was very gud in the subject. Once in the class, he was explaining some thing and said “Gobal”is usually found in rocks, soil….blah blah…. (You need to know I have very poor memory). Though we all realized it, we controlled our laughter with great difficulty (Respect you see). But when it was getting too repetative, one of the girls burst out laughing and thats flood gates open for you!

    Well yeah he actually meant “Cobalt”.

    me: ROFL, that was funnny, girls have all the luck you see.. welcome to this space!

  • Hehe.. Did you see the telugu movie – ‘Anakokunda Oka Rozu’? I was so reminded of that “master” from that movie when I ready about your JD.
    Btw.. were you in one of the best schools in Hyderabad?

    me: You must be talking about this scene I suppose! I was from Bhavans…

  • That’s funny, but what can you expect from a PT teacher.

    Based on having studied in 12 schools, I have concluded that PT teachers are selected based on only 2 criteria:
    1) Having really bad English skills.
    2) Wearing slacks with running shoes.

    BTW, are you an eagle?

    me: PT teachers are funny all over. I’m not frm HPS, me a Bhavans boy

  • Hey waat maan! I is aalso from one of the most famous gaols….err….schools in Bhagyanagaram, I say! I’ve had very good English teachers, it’s just that some from my early school days turned out to be English murderers. Sad, but true!

    me: don’t compare schools ok!

  • lol..damn funny! lol

    me: thnx yaar

  • I like JD. More, I command you!

    me: yes ji sirjee, pretty soon

  • LOL, hilarious da. I had Mallu sisters during my kindergarten. My mom met her during a PTA, and came back home shocked. After this, she used to make me repeat everything Sister Assunta (what a name ille?) taught me or said in class and pronounce it rightly. LOL everyday evening class was hilarious with my mom’s horrified expressions :D

    On another note: Someone I knew, brought up in Delhi shifted to Chennai for his engineering college and asked for a ‘thali’ at the college canteen and got beaten up :D coz they thought he asked for ‘taali’ or ‘mangalsutra.’ :D

    me: Kya maal hain yaar, One thali plz!

  • Ei bleddy naansense shattap yuwar mouth, what you is the making funny of PT teachers a? I will catch you and give you to the prinseepaall.

    me: looks like someone had a crush on their drillmaster!

  • Oh Bhavansaa.. Thank god! HPS o nu bayandhu poitaen! We would have become instant rivals then.

    me: me hates HPS ladeej, they all snobs!

  • Haha, PT teacher tales are legendary in every school and sometimes even the stories are the same in different schools. When I was in PSBB there was this story about the PT teacher saying “Open the window, let the air force come in” and I heard the same story when I moved to another school. One of the best was “I saw you two going triples that day”.

    me: PT teachers of the world unite!

  • I know I know it’s such a laugh. I had a PT Miss ( who was a missus) who would command in the heat of the Madras noon to march saying ‘Lept lept lept rought lept’ and a chemistry teacher who said ‘mosquveeto spreading meleriya’ and ‘leo paards’ in the jungle.

    However we Indians butcher every language including our own. Take the Tamils:We make fun of MuKa’s Tamil, vadivelu’s Tamil, Gabtun’s vague Godavari delta cum madurai Tamil accent, the iyers and iyengars ( saataacha?), the nadars, the Madrasi vague gaana peter tamil and mispronouncing sa with cha, zha with la, pa with ba sounds and so on.We can’t expect better from a people who murder their own tongue to do better with the Queen’s tongue, no?

    Er, I’m told they don’t sell Walls ice cream in Kolkata. Do you know why?

    me: wah! wat analysis maami! sooper.. Me not knows bengali, could you educate us on that as well!

  • Ofetn Bengalis pronounce the “wa” sound as “ba”.

  • Often Bengalis pronounce the “wa” sound as “ba”.

    me: ouch! how did I miss that! wah wah…

  • Oi.. Illai pa.. Me not HPS, me St.Anns.

  • @ Rekha: In my post, the girl who said “The sun is falling into my eyes” is also from St. Ann’s, Sec’bad. No offence! :P

  • Ayayo.. What times have befallen my Alma Mater!!!

    me: shit happens, lite le lo

  • That was awesome!!
    “Ribbon shut the fun” LOL:) Waiting on part 2

    me: glad you liked it, part 2 will be up soon!

  • […] I speak bleak, you speak meek […]

  • Ah dang you for finger pointing here.

    Funny how you seem to remember so much of the eggjamination.

    me: I remm a lot more, you’ll see in teh comin weeks

  • I can never forget my prof..who used to say ” in olden times, kings used to have lots of arses”..!!!!!! the first time i heard it.. couldn’t control myself, needless to say was kicked out of class!!… guessing he wanted to say horses??.. but wat if it was true :P

    Hilarious blog by the way.. compliments sthitapragnya.. and is equally hilarious :)

    me: haha! thanx a lot for stopping by…

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