From Alappuzha With Love – Part 1

It’s another cold winterly night in Hyderabad as our man daabal-sevan-woh struts down a dark alley. As he passes a homeless guy sleeping on a bundle of Deccan Chronicle editions, the streetlight flickers frantically and goes out. From the shadows the homeless man springs up and swiftly begins following our man into the darkness. After a few paces he catches up and very swiftly pulls out a string from his pocket. Fans of the popular game Metal Gear Solid would know the importance of stealth and even before daabal-sevan-woh can twitch, he is strangulated. Just as you begin to doubt the absurdity of the situation, the homeless guy tugs at daabal-sevan-woh’s ear and rips apart his wig to reveal the impostor. Just then the streetlight stops flickering and lights up the whole street like a flash of lightning as a cat clambers on a trashcan. Out of nowhere, in true John Woo style, a flock of white doves flutter across the homeless guy who now pulls out his mask to reveal who he really is. The real daabal-sevan-woh shows himself from under the stinky garb and stands under the streetlight as a gentle breeze blows across his handlebar mustache and pot belly.

Jandhyala Martanda Srinivasa Panduranga Reddy a.k.a JMS Pand, codename daabal-sevan-woh(770) was one of the best agents in the special officers fleet at Andhra Police for covert operations(APCO). Being a beat constable and then a traffic cop contributed to the street-smartness and pot belly of Inspector Pand who was later inducted to be amongst the best of the best of the best. Pinpointing the location of a handcart in any corner of the city plainly based on the smell, texture and taste of their pani-puris and samosa-chaats were tribute to his amazing gastroentric strengths. He could smell a hot crispy jalebi left at the crime scene and trace it to the kitchen it was made in any nook and corner. Having watched midnight-masala movies in an array of languages made him a super linguist while interrogating suspects, where as flashing his hairy man-boobs and prancing around with his thunder thighs would make even the most sinister criminals to cough up the truth.

Padmanabhan Iyer a.k.a Ayer-No-1, a rogue IAS officer and P.A.T.T.A.R mastermind has devised a plot to steal an ancient document from the Tamil Nadu Government archives and sell it to Kerala while framing Andhra Pradesh for it. The artifact in question holds the key
the origin
of Iyers,
the key to the origin of Iyers, and states that the Palakkad Iyers were infact the first and rightful heirs to the Iyer clan. As opposed to common belief that they were banished from the land of Tamils and sought refuge in God’s own country, the inscription could however prove that Iyers truly originated from Palakkad instead. Framing the Telugus would be the easiest for they have often ridiculed in college-campuses as gulti/golti and with this trend reaching foreign shores, the sons of the Telugu-Talli have been seeking revenge for ages. This almost fool-proof plan would have two of the most powerful states in the south going at each other, thereby crowning the mallu film industry as the powerhouse of the South. Pankajam, a former museum curator is hired to carry out the operation who manages to brainwash the librarian of the Tamil Nadu State Library, Vani Ganesan into believing that she is on a secret restoration process. Pankajam assigns Parameswaran, an IISc graduate to stalk Ganesan and ensure smooth hand over of the package.

In Banjara Hills the cheif of APCO, Anjaneyulu Sastry a.k.a ‘Loo’ is ambling down the aisles of the headquarters restlessly. APCO has learnt that the Malabar Police has been contacted by Ms.Ganesan wanting to sneak the artifact for restoration. Fearing that the blame will be thrust upon the Andhra Government in a bid to humiliate the Tamils, Loo summons Pand to intercept the transferLoo summons Pand to intercept the transfer and steal the artifact at the Thrissur Pooram festival where the switch is believed to be made. Pand travels to Kochi to meet APCO undercover agent, Baby Kutty Naidu who thanks to his maternal Nair genes operates a couple of fishing trawlers and moonlights working on cases for the APCO as well. At the airport, Pand is followed by a Kerala special agent, Ouseph Chacko for the mallus by now have sensed that their mission might be in some danger. Baby immediately recognizes Ouseph and whisks Pand away to a Mohiniyattam recital.

As Pand briefs him of his mission and is made aware of the follower, Baby pays a dancer to schmooze Ouseph follows them to the recital as well. Realising that he may be set up, Ouseph calls for backup and chases the fleeing duo who disappear backstage. Dressed as Kathakali dancers Kutty and Pand try to getaway just when the ill-fitting heavy headgear blinds Pand. Unable to see where he is going, Pand trips and rams into a wall knocking the daylights out of him. While Baby escapes, Ouseph catches up with Pand, a fistfight ensures  where Ouseph has a got at Pand liek a punching bag. Aggression gets the better of him as Ouseph accidentally chews off a piece of Pand’s make up. A blinded an woozy Pand unknowingly stamps Ouseph’s foot and in a knee-jerk reaction, Ouseph chokes on the piece  he swallowed and falls cold.

PS: Some references might be too mallu/tambram heavy, but then it’s part of the plot.

PPS: The title is our own way of paying tribute to one of the best characters ever created on screen.

(To be concluded in Part-2)

(Image Courtesy: olegvolk)