The Bai Who Dumped Me – Part1

A janitor on the deck of a Korean army vessel of the port of Vizag, finds the missile door open and sounds the alarm. A quick inspection reveals that a couple of armed missiles are missing. Anjaneyulu Sastry a.k.a ‘Loo’, the chief of the Andhra Police Covert Operations(APCO) summons JMS Pand to investigate. Daabal-sevan-woh(770) learns that the torpedoes are being smuggled out on the Godavari express and boards the running train while it slows down at a crossing. After a breathtaking action sequence involving jumping from carriage to carriage and hanging by the window bars, Pand manages to accost one of the culprits who reveals that they plan to blow up a major city. More reinforcements arrive for the miscreants and attempt to take out Pand whilst airlifting the missiles. Pand finds a motorbike in the cargo carriage and uses it to leapfrog from one carriage to another while being chased by assassins. In a totally unrelated stunt sequence, Pand breaks out of a carriage and leaps into the air with a few white doves flying in all directions(insert John Woo reference). Pand jumps over the Prakasam barrage with the bike into the Krishna river below, as his chute opens to break his fall into the water. You guessed it right, it’s time for the most famous son of the south to save the day yet again.

Back at headquarters, Chief Loo is severely pissed that daabal-sevan-woh failed to retrieve the baggage and returns with no leads. He had however managed to rip the collar of one of the assassins in the scuffle, who he threw under the train. Close inspection reveals that it was tailored in Thane and that being the only lead, Loo assigns Pand to the case and packs him off to Bombay Mumbai. There he learns that plans for a highly advanced underwater navigation system are the most sought after in the market. Pand tracks down a prospective seller in Dadar in an attempt to close in on the buyer. Here he encounters Sunita Karmarkar, a voluptuous woman proud of her ancestral legacy who is a rival to his plans. ‘Madamgaaru myself Pand, JMS Pand and yourself? Mee kaay karu shakto for you?‘, Pand attempts to make some small talk. Surprised by his blatant murder of her native tongue, Sunita manages to calm herself and replies, ‘Sunita Karmarkar here and I’m of to intercept that transaction with the buyer, Tu majhya sobath yeshil kya?‘.Together they steal a disk containing the buyer’s specifications and try to outwit each other in a game of oneupmanship. Turns out that Ms.Karmarkar is with the CID, not the one on Sony TV with Shivaji Satham as ACP Pradyuman but the real deal. At the CID headquarters the chiefs of APCO and CID both decide to join forces and get working on the stolen disk.

The documents in the disk bore the watermark of an organization that called themselves PMS. Rummaging through the old case files and various searches for the abbreviation reveals that a lot of
had complained
of PMS
lot of women had complained of PMS, an organization(obviously!) that attacked college students and working women from other states in their hostels. Weirdly named, Paschim Maratha Sena(PMS) seemed to have a thing for outsiders and it was quite evident that the PMS was plotting to cramp the underbelly of Mumbai. The reasons for such a sinister plan to paralyze a whole city and bring it to its knees were unknown, yet it sent shivers down the spine of everyone in the room. ‘OK andaru chudandi, we need to find out what the motive of these donganakodakkas is, so agent dabbal-sevan-woh your job is to get to the bottom and pull the plug on this. Ms.Korma will be your partner on this mission‘, Thundered Chief Loo with an air or supremacy. Having been numerous times to Tirupati, Sunita knew that ‘jaragundi‘ meant to move. She therefore assumed that ‘chudandi‘ also had something to do with get going and accompanied Pand on the case.

Off the coast of Mumbai on an abandoned oil rig which now doubled up as the PMS headquarters where Rajyog Zadgaonkar(R-Zed) controlled his nefarious activities from. Coming from a family of naval officers, R-Zed started out as a marine biologist but was distraught when all the names ending with ‘an’ at the institute were being offered plush profiles and being the lone ‘kar’, he was sidelined. That sowed the seeds of his hatred towards south Indiansthe seeds of his hatred towards south Indians particularly the Srinivasans and Subramanianas who equated him with the koli fishermen and mocked at his research deemed fit only for the denizens of Machi Marg. When he decided to invest his family wealth and get into the shipping business, he felt like a pomfret in a bowl full of bombil and marinated with sarson ka saag. The Chowdarys, Randhawas and Chatterjees commanded a huge monopoly and it was almost impossible to do business without perfecting the recipe to make lip smacking aloo parathas and mishti doi. He finally moved to the oil industry where only a couple of Gujju brothers were squabbling over petty issues, and bribes seemed to work across regional feelings. Shit hit the fan when he saw the most favorite Indian pastime, Cricket being encroached by outsiders. Replacing Hrishikesh Kanitkar who would have been the greatest all-rounder after Sir Gary Sobers with duds like Hemang Badani and Dinesh Mongia was only the beginning. Great talents like Paras Mhambrey, Nilesh Kulkarni were all ignored for so-called stars like Harvinder SinghS.Ramesh. Heck Agarkar according to him was the best thing that happened to world cricket since Glen Mcgrath and Allan Donanld went out of business.

Having exceeded all possible levels of his tolerance and distressed by the sheer negligence towards the sons of the soil, R-Zed planned to wipe the city clean. His dastardly plot was to pound the coast with armed missiles on ‘Chhath pooja‘ when the damned bhaiyajis worship the sun. His theory being that, it would make the outsiders shit bricksmake the outsiders shit bricks, pack their bags and scurry like rats to where ever they came from. The nincompoop he was, it was obvious that he hadn’t accounted for the ramifications which could even result in a tsunami on the west coast. Pand and Sunita decide to pose as sellers of the navigation system and arrange a meeting with R-Zed. They receive a fully loaded Maruti-800 from the dept with all the usual fancy gadgets like a idli maker, chutney dispenser, headrest DVD system with preloaded DVDs of Chiranjeevi and Dada Kondkar, last but not the least and the most important of them all, a bottle of ‘Gongura Pachadi‘ along with useless stuff like guns and other ammunition. As they drove out towards Madh Island, the only question lingering in their minds was: How does one possibly tackle PMS?

Concluded in Part-2