Aaj mausam bada beimaan hain

I know what you’re thinking, and your bewilderment is well justified. We don’t quite often talk about so-called serious issues like climate changes but then we’ve done some mildly serious stuff in the past like this and this, they’ve been well received. Now this goes without denying the fact that it will get us some traffic, but people looking for serious stuff will return disappointed. Unless of course someone is looking for how the climatic change will affect the receding hairline of Salman Khan, which might be a serious issue of national interest after all!  The climate is changing whether we like it or not and we can either do nothing and try to slow it down or accelerate it to satiate our appetite for destruction! Afterall trying to curb our natural affinity to corruption, is detrimental to the steady cash inflow from our heavy industrial bribes. Not many like to talk about it, for it tugs at the strings of their purses and it will open a gigantic debate that will have people running in circles. There’s nothing like opening up purushottams box all over again, at a time when people are only bothered about materialistic gains and nothing more.

With global warming becoming a serious issue, we wanted to get a feel of what the govts of J&K, UP, Uttaranchal etc were doing for the Himalayan mountain ranges.  While the J&K, Uttaranchal govts were non-committal, the UP govt however had some quite shocking suggestions to tackle the issue. The CM’s office proposed setting up more parks everywhere with a park in every one-mile radius. Now parks are good things you may think, with more greenery to absorb the greenhouse gases that in turn contribute to global warming. What they do not tell you is that each of these parks will have an enormous statue
behenji, pointing
to the sky
enormous statue of behenji, pointing to the sky and overlooking the city. In case any of you are wondering what the big deal about it is, then you’ll be pleased to note that the cost of a park to statue is exponential. When quizzed about this, the founder of the MNS, Raj Thakeray was pretty vocal about it and claimed that global warming was a phenomenon created solely by the bhaiyajis. According to him the UPwalas and Biharis have inundated the city and desecrated the marathi ethos with their chath pooja and bhojpuri music. This has angered Mumbadevi who has thereby unleashed this impending calamity of global warming upon us. Now he may not have meant it word for word, but his insistance to speak to us only in marathi could have lead to some translation errors on our behalf!

We also tried getting some inputs from the erstwhile CM of Bihar and the most famous son of the Yadav clanmost famous son of the Yadav clan taking over from Lord Krishna himself, Laloo Prasad Yadav. Quoting from a UN report on cattle increasing greenhouse gases, we were hoping to get his opinions and also a possible rebuttal to the MNS chief. ‘Arre budbak,the cow ij avar mother samjhe. if aye can eat the lakhs of fodder and be the fine, toh bolo how it will cause the pradooshan and warming if the cow-mata will eat? hum keh rahe hain na, all thich ij saajish to tarnish my imaej. Ab jao sasur ka naathi Raj Thakeray ko bolo to talk in the English like me faarst!‘. Well he sure does have a point for there is no greater authority when it comes to matters dealing with fodder. The Gujarat CM with his self-adopted nickname of vikas-purush was equally vocal about his reasons for the phenomenon. To quote his very words ‘Arrey baba yeh sab sirf Ayodhya naresh Shri Ramchandraji ka khel hain, and nothing to panic. He will cleanse the world of these muslim extremists for they are harming his devotees and are not letting his name to prevail. Let us not focus on trivial issues like the earth heating up, but instead talk about my new SEZs and the IT parks that I am inaugurating. Do you have any NRI contacts, I want to set up a Gujju association in Rwanda as well‘. Ha don’t we all know that even Jack Sparrow bought coffee from the Dunkin Donuts in Davy Jones locker at the worlds end. No matter where you go, you’re sure to bump into a Patel!

Bolly-town was clueless to all this environmental gobbledygook and not many were willing to talk on record fearing their audiences find their true IQ and civic sense. Ha! isn’t that an oxymoron for if even 10% of the denizens of film nagar had any common sense or even the minimum IQ, we would be deprived of all the mega-duds they churn out every Friday. Akshay Kumar however was not one bit concerned about his IQ for he unbuttoned himself on the rampunbuttoned himself on the ramp and was more interested in promoting his new movie, Blue. ‘I am very concerned about global warming and that is why I am doing a film on underwater sharks and treasures. I have always given hits with new directors and in Bue we teach people what to do when the water level rises due to snow caps melting. They can all snorkel wit stingrays or try to fit into the bikinis of Lara Dutta!‘. We do hope that such a calamity never happens where the coastal cities are submerged, but Akshayji is for sure prepared and with all the crores he demands per film, he might well have an Atlantis built for himself. A young starlet who wished to remain anon began to brain fart when quizzed upon her thoughts on the depleting ozone layer. ‘What is this ozone layer ya, I only know of my new feather and layer hair cut. Don’t you think I look saucy? By any chance is it a new makeup thingie for I’d like to try a new look in my upcoming film. Dada, ek aur layer touch up kar do please‘. Well she did manage to get part of it right, afterall the ozone layer does work like a concealer against the UV radiation if you figuratively talk about the face of the earth.

Not wanting to be left out the Gujjar agitation and Maoist movement both tried to get a piece of this cake by claiming that it was God’s way to punish the ones who have being treating them as downtrodden and devoid of any basic rights. We even tried to get some bites from other minorities demanding reservations and the communists who are also a political minoritythe communists who are also a political minority, only to be met with finger-on-the-lips. Glad to know that silence is golden in atleast some places, especially when you have women dancing and serving alcohol! Going to the south, Ram Sene chief Pramod Muthalik accused global warming of being a western phenomenon and was a side effect of the MTV culture. To his point, there was no such thing in the early days when women did not send their pink chaddies via courier! The DMK supremo spent no time in attacking the theory of Lord Rama, and chose to call it a cheap publicity stunt. ‘Chennai is so hot and we could do with some cool seawater, if not for this Ram and his stupid monkey bridge, we’d have happily bathed in the tsunami! Thereby no water problems, no large lines for the thanni lorry and the only thing that can cause warming are our hot, heavy and buxom heroines okay va‘. Last heard, the great yoga-guru who has been converting mansions around the world into yoga center offered to get rid of global warming and climatic change via a set of asanas he devised. Oh well if rhythmic breathing or pranayama can make gay people straight, then what is climate change after all!

PS: It goes without saying but I’ll still say it, you are free to believe any of the above. Just don’t come looking for me!

PPS: Title inspired by this evergreen Md.Rafi song.