A friend recently hit me up with the news that “We’re Pregnant!”. Now I understand that this may be a happy occasion for many and procreation is after all the single and greatest purpose of our existence. But does it hurt to be biologically correct? Why not announce that your spouse or partner is pregnant, that would at least spare me the mental images of hairy men in their third trimester!
I don’t get why the world is trying to make men feel better by involving them in the entire birthing process. All we men have is a 10 minute(10 seconds in some cases) contribution while the women have to work on it for 10 long months. When you get to the delivery room, they again try to make you feel important with menial tasks. All we do is holding hands and provide emotional support, or at least we think we do. The nurses teach you to help your partner with these breathing exercises that involve counting to 10 in various rhythms. The last thing a delivering a baby in excruciating pain needs to hear is a guy going “Oh you’re doing fine, it will be over soon” repeatedly in her ear. How is that even helping and isn’t this mansplaining?
You get to make the most important decision of the entire birthing process when the doctors ask you if you’d like to stand by the head or the feet. Now, this isn’t the Mahabharata where Arjuna chose to stand by Krishna’s feet. It’s okay to be a Duryodhana this once and choose the head, lest we want to deal with hordes of men fainting. For all the tall tales of bravery mean love to tell, there is nothing that comes close to the pain of delivering a baby. Shut up, hold their hand, pull through the yelling and dare you to judge anyone for choosing an epidural.
The absolute worst is when the doctors ask the father to cut the umbilical cord. There are enough trained medical personnel in the room, yet they ask the father with absolutely no medical background(in most cases) to go ahead. So it takes you 4 years for bachelors, then another 4 for masters from med school, then 4yrs of residency before you get your license, and then you ask a random dude who witnessed something indescribable to perform this symbolic hogwash? It’s not like a fireman gets his hose out and then asks you to turn the hydrant, this is not unveiling of a statue where you get to cut the lace ribbon. This is the cord that was keeping your kid alive for the last 10 months! If you want to give men a choice to cut the cord and feel all-important, how about asking the same question at a vasectomy?
Childbirth is an extremely painful and life-changing event. Men, unless trained in the profession, have no role to play here so I wish the medical community would stop inflating our already over-inflated egos. Of course, I did not tell my buddy any of this and had to fight the urge to do so. All I said was, “You’ll be fine, any man who can count to 10 can deliver a baby!”