US elections Mahabharata ishtyle

This election has been the most watched and closely followed election globally. It comes as no surprise that even the Indian media is hooked onto it like some cheap weed in an IIT hostel. Indians in the states also have been following it madly though they don’t even have a say it it. It’s amazing t see how everyone has an opinion and heated coffee table discussions though neither of them have a voice! There have been thousands of desi bloggers who’ve dedicated at least one post to this tamasha. I therefore felt that even we at Dappan Koothu should wash our hands in this US Elections ke behti ganga. However here we don’t do the usual crap, it is always zara hatke. You can always read the real stuff at CNN or any of the election dedicated blogs. In our bid to go beyond the headlines we chanced upon two unusual news makers who’ve never been in the news since ages. The first is a ruler who fathered a hundred good-for-nothing sons and the second is his charioteer who was blessed with satellite vision. The smart ones would have guessed by now, but then for the benefit of others let us formally introduce Dhritarashtra and Sanjaya. The news of this high profile election even reached the other world and everyone was in a scurry to gather information and pretend to be abreast. It was a huge ego problem to look puzzled when the denizens of devlok discussed the primaries or health insurance policies. Our blind emperor felt left behind and immediately summoned his charioteer.

D-Stra: Dude, I have no effin clue as to what’s going on. Isn’t that superman guy the president?

S-Jay: Oh Mighty Emperor it’s Dubyaman. Plus his eight year term is ending and hence the hullabaloo.

D-Stra: So what’s the big deal? Two new candidates fight it out, is that all what this hype is about?

S-Jay: No Jahanpanah, It’s the contestants that are generating all this interest. There;s a woman as well. Not testosterone laden like always.

D-Stra: I’m not a Mughal emperor you insolent oaf. But wait, a woman you say? interesting…

S-Jay: Ah! you dirty old man, I knew you’d be interested to know more and hence I did my homework. She was a beauty pageant winner and a sports reporter before going on to become the Governor of a frozen state.

D-Stra: Pageant? is she still hot then? Look I respect the womenfolk but I could not resist asking!

S-Jay: Even if
you
domesticate a
dog, it will
still hump
a chair
Even if you domesticate a dog, it will still hump a chair! You’re blind and you still can’t stop thinking dirty about a vice presidential candidate? Shame on you O Mighty King! But then on a lighter note, a lot of men find her cute!

D-Stra: Ah! I knew it. They wouldn’t elect someone to office otherwise. Beauty and brains just like my daughter-in-law Draupadi.

S-Jay: Ho Ho Hold on. When did I mention anything about brains? But then by your standards, yes she definitely has brains. You after all sat silent as your nephews were being humiliated and their wife was being disrobed! Don’t give me the you ‘couldn’t see what was happening‘ argument. Your headlights are damaged not your speakers!

D-Stra: Can we go easy on the belittling? The topic on hand is this hot lady who likes to hunt moose and not me. Also don’t forget that you work for me!

S-Jay: Point taken. The lady can apparently see Canada and Russia from her living room and hence she claims she has experience in foreign policy! She also claims to read all the news sources out there but strangely can’t name even one.

D-Stra: Stop being so rude and don’t demean the beauty…. err….. I mean Lady. Even you could see the Kurukshetra war from here in Hastinapur! She never questioned that, so why go after her?

S-Jay: Wo gaad Ganesha, whatay capemaari mollamaari1 King he is! Okay here’s one, she supports hunting animals from helicopters. Do you still support that?

D-Stra: Hunting is a princely sport, it’s meant for the royal blood. Commoners like you will never understand. Find out if she is happy with her man, for she can be my second queen any day! But enough about her, what about the main candidates?

S-Jay: I’m glad you finally asked about them. The one who is using her is a haggard old man who is using her like the sprite strategyusing her like the sprite strategy! It is the last chance for this grumpy grandfather to stake claim to the most prestigious position in world politics.

D-Stra: You have to help me here since I’m out of tune with these strategies. Also stop making me look stupid with these witty references!

S-Jay: Coca-Cola uses its brand Sprite to poke fun at it’s main competitor Pepsi. So every Pepsi commercial is spoofed within a month by Sprite. It doesn’t require and creative thought for Pepsi does all the hard work. All Sprite has to do is ridicule it and heap garbage on the Pepsi brand. The flagship coca-cola brand though stays clear of all this and focuses on solely it’s product. This way Coca-Cola makes a killing and all the earnings from Sprite are a bonus, while Pepsi keeps losing its market share! Coke comes out clean while Sprite does the dirty work. Works both ways and makes a killer combination!

D-Stra: All this marketing, branding and advertising talk is going over my head. How about some simple English?

S-Jay: Fine, Lets take a closer and example from back home. Do you remember how Arujna used Shikandi to defeat the almost invincible Bhishma? If not let me refresh you memory with this video(watch from 5:00 onwards). Just like the sons of Pandu knew that it would be impossible to fall the infallible Bhishma and had to use Shikhandi to do the dirty work. The only way Bhishma could be defeated was by a woman and hence he refused to aim his arrows on one. Similarly the Grandfather guy uses Hot Lady to throw mud on the Black guyGrandfather guy uses Hot Lady to throw mud on the Black guy! The only person that came close to giving the Black guy shivers was a woman who is also the wife of a former President. The Grandfather guy took notice of this and employed the services of a Hot Lady to shovel horse crap on the Black Guy. The grandfather guy goes around telling people of his war bravery and promises to blue collared people. The Hot Lady meanwhile accuses the Black Guy of everything right from the Big Bang to the Tsunami!

D-Stra: Ah interesting! They were inspired by the Mahabharata and haven’t even credited us! Dharma for sure will not be on their side. Now the Black Guy has to fight two people eh? But then what about his mate? He sure isn’t alone in this battle right?

S-Jay: Sadly the Black Guy is against two-and-a-half candidates. His own running mate is a nutcase whose public statements cause more harm than garner support. So it’s almost a Sunny Deol type one-man machine situation.

D-Stra: So tell me who do you see at the helm of affairs? I know there can be no greater ruler than me, but I’m curious to see what happens.

S-Jay: Damn you, I’m not falling for that again. The last time I told you the result of a battle you crushed an iron pillar with your bare hands! Despite the charms of the Hot Lady and the faked-effervescence of the Grandfather guy and the ineptitude of the running mate guy, I see the Black Guy winning comfortably. Don’t take my word on it, for only I know your real temper.

D-Stra: I should probably hire that Baba Bangali guy. He’s a lot more knowledgeable, sharp and witty as well! Nevertheless you did help me understand the situation and as we speak the results should be out I believe.

PS: Capemaari-Mollamaari: Both words go invariably with each other. In British times people were given different coloured caps based on their status in work. The guy who changes the cap (mathurdu in Tamil) is a traitor/thief hence the word capemaari (cap-maari). Spl thanks to Adi and Anti.