Dudyala Sri Lingeshwara Rama Vittalachari, commonly known as DSLR Vittalachari or just DSLR hails from a family of numerologists who’s clients have gone on to change the face of this world. His office is adorned by huge portraits of these legends who were living with the homeless in dark alleys and contemplating ending their lives owing to their creative failure, until the moment they were referred to someone from the Dudyala family. He loves to tell the story of Kallakuvel Sheshappa Iyer, a 16th century poet and playwright. Kallakuvel was fond of the English language he learnt from a voyager and against the king’s wishes, he wrote poetry in his new found love. Fearing certain banishment and even execution, Kalakkuvel was referred to DSLR Krishnamachari who suggested he shift base and sell his wares to British audiences. Crossing the seas was considered sacrilege within the Brahmin community, but that wasn’t the biggest of Sheshappa Iyer’s problems. He was least bothered of being ostracized from society but with a name like his, he stood no chance among the English greats of his generation. DSLR Krishnamachari had the answer and after some numerological calculations, he proposed to anglicize Iyer’s name. The rest we all know is history but not many however know that the rise of the greatest bard was attributed to the Dudyala family and several such stories have been lost between the pages of time.
Vittalachari boasts of a high profile clientèle involving movie stars, politicians & sports persons. His most recent is a chap named Ajay who had earlier removed one vowel from his last name. Despite being referred to DSLR earlier, Ajay preferred to seek the advice of a certain astrologer who’s last name suggests that he should be in the alcohol industry instead. “This isnot like playing in-pin-safety-pin where you keep counting down the alphabets and strike one out when you reach a zero. It involves serious calculations involving the positions of grahas, the latidude & longitudnal coordinates of a certain Soniaji and the total number of SMS votes on last nights NewsHour discussion with Arnab.“, DSLR thunders. He later told me that on the occasion of the stars birthday, DSLR offered him a discount on consultation fees and the star shall henceforth be known as DVGN Ajay. “These north indian names are very confusing, they don’t append the name of their village or their fathers name. They just use a silly surname like Singh, Sharma or Dixit thereby having no way to tell where you are from or which ancestral tree you belong to.“. We hope this new name works out for Mr.DVGN Ajay and also improve his likeability in Tollywood thereby not requiring him to act in sorry remakes, but the original vernacular versions themselves.
We have also learnt that two budding stars of the Hindi film industry had approached DSLR for his services. While he wouldn’t tell us we have unconfirmed reports that tell us the youths have been advised to change their names to PRTK BBR & SHD KPR. The reason we’re told for this un-voweling of both first and last names, is that their shocking lack of any talent. in his own words, “Even mannequins have more facial expressions than them. These fellows cannot even be used as props on stage in a play“. Vittalachari hopes that this way atleast their movies may click, else he’ll have to resort to the last option wherein their names will just have one alphabet. Inspired by the movie MIB, these so-called stars may have to go about only as P & S but we will have to wait to see how the current experiment first goes. Again, these are only unconfirmed reports, but it is not like you care or that has ever mattered to anyone before.
(Image Courtesy: wikipedia)