Attack of the fish eating cows

Brothers and their sisters, this is Munna Mobile reporting from the bunker bringing you news you cannot use! It was recently brought to our notice from a source who we wish to not reveal, about the existence of a weird phenomenon. Apparently what happened and we swear we aren’t fabricating details here, a cow was sighted lazily chewing on a fish. Now this isn’t like a smart metaphor we’re using for a popular celebrity/politician with a ravenous appetite. It is the real deal where a bovine grazer was spotted chomping on a succulent pomfret. Having tasted the forbidden fruit or as in our case the forbidden gilled being, the said bovine was banned from the stool-collection process. Before this begins to sound all hazy, we must elucidate that the urinal samples of bovines are often considered sacred and are a requirement for house-warming ceremonies. The said cattle must be pure and have a healthy dietary plan and that unfortunately doesn’t include fish. On account of this abnormal food craving, the samples were rendered unfit and the priest had our source chase another cow with a jar in hand.

Some ceremonies are content with urinal discharge, while the rest require stool samples. We’ve also learned that the stool samples
be collected
at source
stool samples must be collected at source before they hit the ground and get contaminated. We feel that this discrimination is atrocious and we at DappanKoothu shall speak on behalf of the irate cattle as their counsel. We find this totally absurd and uncalled for, cattle like all other mammals have the right to eat what they wish to. If their choice is little pisces then we say so be it, after all there are many more fish in the water! The Indian cattle unlike their brethren from the west, aren’t fed a healthy mix of nutrients. They however get their nutrition from from the mounds of decomposing garbage that adorn our roads. While the cattle in the west have to sadly adjust with the standard mix they are fed, our Indian cattle have a variety of choice. Rummaging through the garbage, they unearth a culinary delight of pizzas, noodles, burgers, pasta, curry and almost everything they find. This sometimes also involves faeces, industrial effluents and even the delightful discarded hospital waste. With such a varied platter, wonder why purists have issues with their culinary choices.

Fifteen percent receive ground-up fish. Ever see a cow working a trout stream? Four percent of cows eat feathers. Don’t let a cow near your down comforter. Two percent of cows are fed pork. [link]

Ahem, now when you look at the above blurb, it seems like our bovine friends in the west have a rather heavily balanced diet. Apart from fish they also enjoy sodium bicarbonate, roasted soy beans, and dried blood from their own brutally murdered children, mothers, sisters, and aunts! We at first did not take our source’s claims seriously and brushed it aside like the many other news bytes we get daily. This revelation however integrated the mother-sisterintegrated the mother-sister of every other scoop we’ve done before. Coming from the land where people drank camel milk, we often tend to not take them seriously enough. We however now realize that the reason camels adorn their milk cartons is because, their cows eat fish! Discriminating people and animals on the basis of their culinary choices is wrong and unacceptable, even if it is from the land of camel-milk drinkers! What are we festering over by the way, fish or no fish it is still the same crap that comes out at the other end anyways. We condemn these actions and pray for a time when both man and animal are free to eat whatever they want without being judged about it. Ah, look what some searching landed us with. Looks like our source’s claims may have been quite true after all!

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PS: For ethical reasons, we refuse to disclose the identity of our source!

PPS: After our previous post on goats, PETA now is offering us their backing for all future endeavors.

PPPS: We are proud to have covered this bit of news even before the messiah of the bovine beauties, Amit Varma could think of it and link to 100+ posts!