Readers, This is ace reporter Munna Mobile bringing you news that you cannot use from our bunker in the hinterlands. This past month there have been a lot of news makers like cricketers, angry marathas, Shilpa Shetty and goats. Yes you heard it right goats, I mean who would ever think that the poor innocent bleating bastards would make it to the news. The symbol of one of the most powerful astrological signs is also one of the most adapted style of beards among men. You may ask how all this is relevant and how do these docile grass eaters make it to the news. That is exactly where we come in, over the past few weeks we’ve been researching for this article as we bring you a special report. This month saw the release of a big budget Hollywood movie where everyone would massacre goats by merely staring at them. Well that got our spidey senses all in a tizzy, for why in the world of all the fauna would you want to kill goats! We did try to go watch the movie, but our excitement fizzed out like a campfire that has been urinated upon in the morning. Remember during Diwali when you’d light the wick of those atom/hydrogen bombs, and then run away to muff your ears? The wick takes it’s own sweet time to burn out and reach the bomb, it sometimes dies out midway as well. This movie was pretty much the same like lighting a bomb with a metre long wick, only for it to fizzle out and not explode. We tried getting some reactions from eminent critics and panelists for their views on why people would want to stare at goats!
We managed to get a byte from ace columnist and Hollywood critic Jayadevan Jamboolingam, who has been covering cinema since the times of Gregory Peck and Liz Taylor. ‘Well you see the juxtaposition of of facts and fiction is pretty close here. Just like in the days of Charlton Heston, the star doesn’t read the script but the script reads the star‘. While we are still reeling from the after effects of that interview, that was all we managed to understand without a Wren & Martin. Our deepest condolences are with the readers who have to put up with his reviews every weekend as they go to the potty with a paper in one hand and a dictionary in the other. Oh we also did manage to decipher another line from the archaic language used in the interview. ‘Method actors stay in character from the moment they are signed up and don’t drop it till the release‘. At that point it was quite evident that we were just whiling away our time and we turned to our panelist and expert on new age combat techniques, Chakradhar Chattopadhay. ‘Goats are the closest to humans when it comes to cranial complexity and often like to yawn, chew and sleep. After a near-fatal accident, a MP had parts of his head reconstructed using the DNA of a goat, and he even went on to become the PM of the nation‘. When quizzed upon this sudden interest to exterminate goats, he was pretty amused and offered a very vague reply. ‘Oh we kill goats for our mutton biryani, they just skip the alimentary benefits and use it for military instead‘.
When you talk of the mass slaughter of goats, you are instantly reminded of Bakr-Eid. Our sources at the Deonar Abattoir have reported a steep fall in the prices of goats this year. Abdul Khan Ghafar Khan of the famous Khan Broiler Chicken franchise was telling us earlier that there has been a 50% reduction in prices. ‘Goats with holy markings that would earlier sell for 50 lakhs in a jiffy are now being bought for around 20 lakhs after some heavy bargaining‘. We learned that some of the goats are fed almonds, pistachios and even get to sleep on a cot, now that is some royal treatment! We learnt that the sellers travel from as far as the north to be at the goat market and incur heavy transportation charges, with some even pulling ahead their weddings. It may seem weird, but we’ve managed to find a thread that connects all this goat activity and we were sure taken by surprise. In tough financial times when the sales of goats are pretty low, the rate at which they reproduce stays the same. With the guys from PETA already breathing down their necks, neutering the goats wasn’t an option. The most viable solution and a way to gain some forex was to export them to the west. The deal came with not only $$ for the sellers but also with training material for the butchers to use telekinesis and thereby avoid the messy gore. The mass exodus of goats into the states was getting out of hand and they decided to make a big budget flick to cover up and exterminate as many goats as possible. Hashtag Bangarappa a spokesperson for the PETA was quoted saying, ‘Oh this is #kvlt the goats can peacefully die while we get our protein without having to turn veggie #peta #interview‘.
It might not be hot enough to make the headlines in tomorrows papers or prime time discussions on news networks, remember you still heard about it first on Dappan Koothu!
(Image Courtersy: Travelpod.com)