Kamzor Kadi Kaun to decide Ind-Oz series

Junta, after our mildly successful expose about North Korea and Endhiran, we now bring you the latest developments from the cricketing scene. While the whole country is singing paeans to the historic series crushing victory and the nation’s favorite son scoring a double century while crossing 14,000 runs, we chose to focus on other issues. Afterall this is Munna Mobile bringing you news you cannot use and the only other to-do on our list is to find ways and means to get into Mayanti Langer’s pants! Even before the series was lost, Cricket Australia confirmed the news of resting key players for the ODI series including the likes of Ricky Ponting, Shane Watson and Mitchell Johnson. While this may be seen as a move to preserve their best for the ashes, it also gives lesser known players a taste of an India tour and the pasting that awaits them on the dry pitches.Now don’t tell me you expected Doug Bollinger to spew any venom, the dude is badass alright but his CSK days have resulted in his chanting the Hanuman Chalisa every Tuesday and frequent visits to the Namakkal Anjeneya temple. A semi-derailed and mellowed Bollinger works out only in the CSK equation and that increases the chances of a thumping series victory to India.

In a shocking move, India called and raised the pot by resting seven players. Tendulkar, Harbhajan Singh, Zaheer Khan and Pragyan Ojha have been rested, while Virender Sehwag, Gautam Gambhir and Ishant Sharma have sent to the doctors table. This not only ensures a fair contest with the depleted Australian side, but it also means that we will be fielding a side that is worse than our T20 squad. Some of you will remember the scene in Lal Badshah where the BigB folds and ties his left leg while fighting a goon with an amputated leg, to level the playing fighting field #SameStoryCharactersChange. The move gives discards like Yuvraj Singh and Munaf Patel a chance to once again prove to the nation why they were thrown out of reckoning in the first place. A delighted Yuvraj Singh spoke to us while stuffing himself with mom-made parathas, “Oh it feels great to be picked once again, I will definitely not let Priety down this time. If you could refill my lassi jug, I’ll show you the roar I’ve been practicing when we take on KKR at Mohali“. We didn’t have the heart to burst his bubble and inform him about KXIP’s exclusion from the IPL, nor did he let us tell him that this newsbyte was for for him being picked in the ODI squad. We spoke to another jubilant discard Munaf Patel, “Hearing the news of the Rajasthan Royals being expelled from the IPL, I was heartbroken. I am not thankful to BigBoss for giving me this opportunity as I can use this platform to give the audience a chance to know the real me. Then they will realise that there is nothing between Bobby Darling and me, we are not even friends“. Again a case of controversy-ridden sportsman resorting to Reality TV for retribution. We didn’t tell him that this wasn’t a call to be the wildcard contestant on BigBoss, but atleast he was aware of the IPL situation.

Our sources in the BCCI tell us that this move to field depleted sides may be a ploy to revive the defunct game show, Kamzor Kadi Kaun. “We are confident this concept will take the cricketing world by storm, you just watch. Instead of fielding strong side and later having to deal with reasons for their poor performance, we shall send weak teams and just sit back“, beamed BCCI supremo Shashank Manohar. When we sought some further clarification from Secretary N.Srinivasan, he elaborated on the rules. “Well of course, the idea is to field the weakest teams and every time someone plays a brilliant shot or takes a wicket, they are sent off the field. This way whichever team the last standing player belongs to is declared the victor“, a proud CSK owner explained. While this was hazily beginning to make some sense, we managed to ask TV personality Neena Gupta who was also preset at the press meet for her views. “Oh I’m pleased to be associated with the concept and I have a major role to play for I will be the one evicting players off the field. If you remember I was the stern anchor when this show was around, though people also blame me for it going off-air. The umpires will only nominate players, but eviction will be decided based on votes from the viewers in the stadium. TV audiences will also have a role to play where their SMS votes will decide the playing XI for the game. That way we leave the mantle of picking the weakest team possible to the people of this country. My association with cricket dates back to 80s and I have a strong grasp of the game, afterall I am Mrs.Viv Richards you see!“, rattled away the once-upon-a-time siren.

All this is crap, I tell you. The BCCI thinks they have a fool-proof plan and can win this series by playing nonperforming schmucks like Yuvraj, Munaf & Jadeja. I had the perfect plan to take cricket to the next level, Tambola-Cricket. It would include cheerleaders, dances by bollywood starlets and culminate in the tambola. Both team captains would submit 3X9 cards filled with the jersey numbers of their players, thus accommodating 27 players. For every number called, the respective jersey wearing player will be declared out and forced to leave the field. That way the team that loses all its players from the field is ousted“, growled a visibly hurt Lalit Modi, still licking his wounds after his expulsion from the IPL. We also later learnt that he had made provisions for clauses like ‘Jaldi-5’ where in the opposition gets 6 free-hits and for every line scored the opposition bowlers would bowl one over with their wrong hand. Such a detailed and showbiz friendly extravaganza can only be envisioned by none other but the great LKM himself. We would have loved to stick on but we spotted Chirayu Amin hiding behind a curtain taking notes and chose to evade the verbal spat that followed. We hope you enjoyed this bulletin as much as we enjoyed bringing it to you.

PS: This is my first attempt at cricket writing, kindly excuse

(Images Courtesy: Sachin, Ponting – Cricinfo & Chakpak & Hindu)