Kasab Ka Samna

Look ammi jaan, I can shoot While the nation is still reeling from the 62nd I-Day celebrations, reality shows do their desh bhakti specials, movie channels repeatedly cycle screening Roja, Dil Se and Rang De Basanti, we are inundated by tweets and SMSes that are supposed to fill us with patriotic fervor. We don’t wear our patriotism on our sleeve but we pin it to our chests, try to mumble the national anthem while hoping not to sing out of tune. Soccer fans and junta that love to wear designer kurtas and watch only Guy Ritchie/Tarantino films will even place their palm over their heart, our guess is that its symbolic to suggest hat their heart is in the right place. While in the west they not only strut in their desi attire to sing the anthem and cheer a parade, but also gorge on samosas/chat and watch their kids dance to songs from the above mentioned movies while their wives bargain over rubies at a gems stall. Freedom means many things to people and for some it may be just another day when they take out the laundry and watch a matinee movie with some chips and popcorn after a heavy desi buffet of course. After a brief sabbatical while you were bored with silly louw stories, this is Munna Mobile reporting once again from the bunker, bringing you news that you cannot use. With the Baba’s blessings and pulling a few strings(loosening purse strings actually), we finally managed to get talky talky with the man who has hogged the headlines more than Megan Fox this year, well atleast in India. Yes we boldly got to go where even India TV has not gone before and bring you Ajmal Kasab! Howzzat for sansani khez khabhar? Plus this ain’t Janta/Aap ki Adalat but Kasab was subject to DappanKoothu’s very own polyphonic arachnophobic narcolytic and iskimakiphonic tests.

AK: aadha barse

MM: poora barse

AK: eh? Not sure but if you understood, this isn’t about he rains, though I could use some help with the water seeping from the ceiling due to the showers, and oh my potty is also clogged!

MM: Oh well I’m not who you think. I write for a blog that nobody reads and its about news that is of no use. Looks like we began at the wrong end of the TP roll, so let’s flush this issue for now shall we? Since we’re talking of the rear, some prisoners have been keeping away from your for they don’t wish to be caught back-door-entryfying a juvenile. So for the record, would you mind wiping the multiple ages stated?

AK: Bhag daud mantri? manje kai? From where I come we don’t grow beyond a certain age we choose to. You must have got an indicator from our superstar cricketeer Shahid baal-ki-dukan Afridi who is still only 21 despite having played for over 10yrs.

MM: Aila! deva re deva, ani uttam marathi bolto mulga, seems like you’ve picked it up from the guards. Speaking of which reminds me that you are one of the fortunate few to conduct their business over video conferencing, this has so far been reserved only to a certain CEO-type-ke-CMs and Cisco ads. How does that feel?

AK: The reception was spotty, we had better ones with satellite uplink on our trawler as we took order from our chief. Blame it on the searing heat, faulty network cables or the kerosene powered generators it was running on. So if I’m in the news long enough, will they make a statue out of me and then a CM as well?

MM: I’d rather not comment on your chances in politics, but you’ve got your facts wrong. You first represent a minority community and act like you really care for the destitutes. You then malign your rivals and ride the sympathy wave to take a majority of the votes and claim the throne. You then outnumber the borewells in your state with your own statues in poses that would make even Billy Bozo-the-clown Bowden cringe. It takes more than a five-year plan and hence you’re better of playing statue with the prison guards.

AK: OK it’s time for my meal. You see after my numerous tantrums like banging the utensils on the walls, the authorities seem to have given in and serve mutton biryani instead. This way I can not only get a chance to savour some meat and not the regular boring dal-chawal. it also establishes my child like innocence and hence no sentence and just a few years in a juvenile correction center!

MM: What seems weird is that at a time when even the great SRK gets picked up by airport security, morons like you roam scot-free and enter a star hotel like a worker-bee to a hive. Guess we need to be more stringent and cause inconvenience to guests face the trade off for compromising security.

AK: Who you calling a moron? Not even grandmasters plan so many moves ahead like we did with your blueprints and maps.  Wearing an orange thread on my wrist helped , also you see how us muslims are targeted everywhere and singled out? That is exactly what we are fighting for, so that the whole world fears to raise a finger against our brethren. Who’s the moron now Munna?

MM: Well there was a time when even you changing into a kurta-pyjama to appear in court made the headlines. You hogged maximum newsprint after Megan Fox, but now swine flu is fast catching up in third place. I’d say it’s time for something new, like creating a ruckus for some pad-thai noodles or kung-pao chicken.

AK: Kaunsa gun, kiske forks? All I know is to brandish high-tech weaponry and go around creating mayhem like playing Doom with SPISPOPD. I have a high score of 166 yet they book me for entering a railway platform without a ticket. Enough is enough now, nobody wants to be my joru anymore, I can’t even get a rakhi!

MM: Well, Rakhi is now with Elesh not that it would make a difference had she been with you. I’d stick my neck out and assert that you’ll claim lineage to the Laden clan after spending a few days with her. It’s the equivalent of playing ‘Enter Sandman‘ on full blast in a carnatic music recital in Chennai. Heck even watching vids of Pardesiya or Mohobbat hain Mirchi can prove fatal, the govt is wasting way too much on your security and the trials. You should be allowed to feast your eyes on a nonstop loop of Rakhi Sawant youtube playlist projected on a 62inch prison wall. You’ll either die of wankerphobia or plead guilty to every crime in the city.

AK: She seems like a fiesty one from the looks of it, if only I could get some khushboo from the bazaars of Sialkot I’d have her eating out of my hands.

MM: Err, we’ll see who eats whom. She was after all a vishkanya and the men who copulated with a struggler like her, climaxed asphyxiated and struggling to breathe. That’s however your problem as long as you’re not talking about our ex-siren from the south. We love our buxom babes and they are strictly off limits for they remind us of Marilyn Monroe clones.

AK: You can keep your bovine beauties and pachydermal princesses to yourself. Allah will give me 72 virgins when I embark on my final journey. I’m even reading maganty’s book to see if some of those experiments can bee cooked up to escape blurting the truth in court. Little did I know that it has nothing to do with any of the above, I now use it to play book cricket with myself.

MM: Ah houri, the lovely eyed pure companions of modest gaze and a voluptuous body. Just like the kids in my building who tell me of la-la land where you can eat all the ice-cream you want, not do any homework and stay up way past ten-o-clock! Or is it like Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty? I guess we’ll never know for there comes the sentinel and my time here is almost up. Like the poker-faced Karan Thapar always says, A pleasure meeting you!

(Image Courtesy: Wikipedia)

PS: URL research stolen from Suhel, thnx buddy.

First published on Desicritics