Page 3 on terror

The Mumbai attacks have left the country thunderstruck and we have all being glued to the news for the last 48 hours. It is definitely a moment of sorrow and our condolences are with all that have been affected. While the real heroes like the firemen, cops and the NSG commandos have all been unsung, it’s the Page 3 circuit that has been drawing maximum footage. At a time when lives are being lost and the city that never sleeps is panic stricken everybody seems to want to have their four annas. There have been bloggers writing 2-3 posts a day, some smart ones even live blogging the events. The twitterverse hasn’t been any better with everybody making #mumbai tweets. People have been tweeting helpline numbers and regular updates like they are on a singular mission to inform the whole world. Somebody please tell them that we also can watch the news and read the numbers flashing on our screens!

If there are people who have no access to the news channels and are solely dependent on these tweets for their lives then we shall issue an apology, else go shove your
faces
in some
horse shit
shove your faces in some horse shit! We’ve actually counted the updates of some users and they average between 30-40 an hour! The funniest thing being that most of them weren’t even close to Mumbai, and therefore none of this was first hand information. We call for a fatwa against these twitter-spammers who actually think that they have done some great service to the society! What do you fools expect, a gallantry award for inundating us with stuff we already knew? We propose that such tweeters ought to get a taste of their own medicine, for that’s the only way they’d learn. Every single person they follow ought to make 30 tweets during the same hour, that will teach them to mind their own business! The over smart bloggers need not feel left out as we haven’t ignored them, almost each one of you has made a condolence post. There are also the so-called page 3 of the blogosphere who have left no stone unturned when it comes to making a heart-warming post! So you have the usual, we shall overcome, never let die spirit, with generous helpings of words like resilience, spirit, fear, humanity and peace. They of course have their slavish bunch of commentators who proclaim it as the most touching post they’ve read all day and copy paste the same on other page 3 blogs!

Just like the people who have been responsible for a deluge of tweets, there have been bloggers who have taken pains to live blog the events. Who in the world is going to meticulously keep refreshing their page to read these stupid blogs while they can watch the news being streamed online! If the bloggers and tweeters were so into it, then imagine the plight of people whose lifestyles were severely hit by these attacks. If you’ve been wondering and making educated guesses in your head then let us alleviate your agony. The people severely hit by these attacks have been none other than the Page 3 circuit of Mumbai. With their two favorite jaunts under siege and all parties for the week canceled, the whose-who of Mumbai were as confused as a herd of sheep in a sushi bar. In our bid to get some inside news, we at Dappan Koothu sent our roving reporter Munna Mobile to get chatty with these cocktail personalities.

Munna, How is the situation on the ground and the hostage situation?

Oh Max, cut the crap. You’ve been watching too much news have you? Even the news channels have run out of steam with the same updates and pictures. They’ve spoken to everybody on the street right from the survivors to the sandwich wallahsright from the survivors to the sandwich wallahs and exhausted their vocabulary. The same set of pictures have been cycled and the same tickers have been flashing for hours together. One smart channel managed to get an ex-serviceman for some info on what the cops and commandos might be thinking in such an event. This was soon followed by other channels as retired servicemen were soon in demand and their phones were ringing like crazy. As the old haggard men made their way to the studios and recalled incidents from their service days sipping chai and biscuits as they watched the events unfold on the giant screens. While a select few were picked up by news channels, the rest sat grumbling in their homes and commenting on how they would have made more intelligent comments! All they could do was curse themselves for not staying trim by jogging at day break and not maintaining contacts with the a couple of reporters. They were trying to ring up a few members of the press and offering their free unwanted bites to escape the din of their nagging wives!

Err, that’s nice but didn’t we send you to do a scoop on the Page 3 crowd?

Patience my dear boy genius, before we get to the main course don’t we generally serve you an appetizer? With having exhausted almost every resource for information, the news channels turned to the most jobless people in Mumbai. The Page 3 are a perfect ingredient for some masala news for they know the interiors of these hotels better than the tiles in their bathrooms. There is also a high probability that they know some of the hostages and can therefore talk about them. The best thing about them being that they are all educated in the best schools and can therefore continue their non-stop prattle without even pausing for a break and still not be tired. This works out best for the news channels for their presenters are tired of repeating the same lines in all possible variations and permutations of the same phrases.

That’s good, so can you get us a bite from a famous personality?

What’s with the bites, order some pizza if you are that hungryorder some pizza if you are that hungry! I spoke to a very famous media baron Mr. AllWeak PotAndSee who was seen shuttling between studios. He has been furiously brushing up on the 9/11 procedures as he attempts to draw parallels to the shortcomings of the nations procedures. Brilliant I say, all we need at a time of crisis is some demoralizing stuff questioning the backbone of our security. He tells us that he is very saddened by the events that are playing out at the Taj and recollects the Stir-Fry-Chicken he had at the ‘Wasabi‘ last week, the same restaurant that is up in flames today. While he still complains of the extra spicy soup that gave him digestion problems, I try to remind him that he has to talk about the current situation and no his alimentary problems. He thanks me for the tip and goes live on camera with all his brilliance and makes a complete fool out of himself, not surprising as we never expected any more from him. He questions the ineptitude of intelligence and makes a smartass comment saying that no intelligence can be expected from the lawmakers who themselves are not intelligent. Apparently the channels feels that he represents the views of the common man!

Were there any of the Page 3 women you managed to run into?

There you go, always waiting to swoop on some masala like a hawk preying on a rabbitlike a hawk preying on a rabbit. Talk of of masala and women I did manage to talk to two famous Page 3 socialites. Ms.Dhobha Se and Ms.Mollykya Terabhai condescended to speak to our readers while they were getting their last minute touch-ups. Ms.Se is wearing a dress she bought at a boutique at the hotel under siege and wishes to comment on how the place where she shopped for this garment is a control room today. She asks me if that is a smart improvisation and I meekly acknowledge fearing being turned down next time. Ms.Terabhai is on the phone with her designer and is yelling at him for her dress hasn’t arrived and she has to appear on another news channel in 30 minutes. She tells me that its a fashion disaster and sacrilege to appear on in a repeat dress and I once again nod my head in acceptance. The designer finally manages to dispatch her change of costume and she tells me that the same guy was late last night as well. Had her gown arrived in time she would have made it to a party and then taken hostage like the other guests. It’s this point that she wishes to bring on camera and seem all intelligent to the nation, and I can only wish her luck.

How about some bites from the world of cinema and business?

I’m glad that you finally asked, for I was waiting to tell you about my rendezvous with Mr.Shahrukh Fake and Mr.Chudail Kheth. One is a very reserved socialite who once upon a time tried his hand at acting, he now just poses for pics in partieshe now just poses for pics in parties. The latter is a loud mouth businessman seen more often in cocktail parties than in boardroom meetings. I’ve often wished to ask him how he still manages to make money while his intelligence seems to be smaller than the skirts of the waitresses. The one with a theater background was elucidating on how the security ought to do practice drills and mock rescue operations. The reason he gave me was that he was drawing a parallel to theater where every scene is rehearsed thoroughly before the performance. While this gentleman made such an astute observation, the businessman Mr.Kheth couldn’t stay behind. He told me that he wishes to propose a Homeland Security like they have in the United States, and even push for some transfer of knowledge to help setup a similar wing.

Thank you Munna that was a nice roundup of celebrity scoops, news is just in that the situation has been brought under control. Sadly your report will therefore not go on air nor see it self in print, we however promise to put it up on our blog for some high society people to read and comment.

PS: This post is solely in jest and in no means intended with any malice towards the personalities mentioned. However we do stand by the horse shit reference to some of the bloggers, who really deserve it!

(Images Courtesy: Financial times and boston.com)