These are bad times with pirates ruling the seas. There was a time when the Vikings spread havoc for European merchant ships and captured their wares and wine. Now the same has moved a few latitudes lower from Scandinavia to the Horn of Africa. Our sources tell us that it is a result of the Curse of the Black Pearl, no wait wasn’t that Pele? Ah we get it, the Somalians are hurt by the domination of African soccer by their neighbors that they took to a different sport. Instead of netting goals they just net ships, which is less tiresome and the prize is worth a lot more. So what do they do for training and inspiration? Well, they watch a pirate-flick trilogy by Disney and drink plenty of rum. The legend of Jack Sparrow has broken cinema halls and now haunts the seas. With the Indian Navy in pursuit of these pirates there were talks on further steps to be taken in the Lok Sabha. Chancing upon a great occasion to get some juicy bites from a packed house, we sent along our roving reporter Munna Mobile to the elected lower house of the Parliament. His notes were pretty startling and it sure was an eye-opening experience nevertheless. In true lingo of the print media we are printing this ‘as-is’ from our special correspondent.
LK Advani: Namaste, My speech is already on my blog but for the technically impotent I read it out for you. However do subscribe to my RSS feed next time onwards, for it makes things simple. Well, we propose Ram-rajya in Somalia and impart knowledge of the Bhagwad Gita to the locals. According to our studies Somalia was initially a prosperous Hindu state. For those who doubt it, look at the name Soma-lia is uber Hindu! For those who need a quick lesson in mythology, let me clear the air that Soma was considered as a god(deva) Let us go and preach the teachings of Krishna and may bhajans resonate in the gulf. Then all the ships will be greeted with aarthi and satsangs will be held for the tired sailors. With such a pious mind, they shall leave the trade of piracy and spend their time in the service of god. Peace shall be restored in the gulf once again!
Sonia Gandhi: Aww we know this Ram-rajya crap. You want to take your secular agenda across the Arabian Sea. Since you know that it’s almost wiped out as we sweep the polls this summer and hence looking for new avenues. We propose new reforms for the Somalians and help them cultivate their crops and be self sufficient. We shall get banks to waive all loans and issue further loans without any collateral. We shall overhaul the judicial system and knock off all pending cases. We shall increase taxes for the rich and waive them for the poor, it’s all about loving the ‘aam admi‘ you see. Also we propose tourism measures and a guided tour of the gulf with weapon training as packaged tours! With all these reforms and opportunities, the pirates shall definitely find lucrative alternate careers and drop their arms. With this promise of governance we shall continue to rule til they realize that they are being taken for a ride and decipher our false promises. We shall then suspend all normal activity by calling emergency and go on with what we do best!
K.Mayawati: I know the two of you are up to no good.The Somalians are actually Dalits and OBCs that have been deported by the thakurs and brahmins. They are outcasts in Africa and hence have to face hardships owing to severe poverty. I propose setting up a coach factory in Somalia instead of Amethi. We can also employ the pirates are masons and build a replica of the Taj Mahal. Funds collected for my birthday will help in procuring raw material and of course, we can name it Maya Mahal! Before Amar Singh calls for my head sighting another scam, i propose yet another scheme. I propose to build statues of great female dalit leaders for every 100mts and thus employ pirates as sculptors. With such employment opportunities, I’m sure my dalit pirates will see the better side of life! Since I don’t see a chance of becoming the Prime Minister here in the near future, I’d like to be made the President of Somalia.
Lalu Prasad Yadav: Aye budbak, hum sab dekhath hoon. I propose setting up a fodder factory in Somalia that will keep them busy. I shall introduce special trains and give Somalians 60% reservation in the trains. They shall be called Soma-rail and Bihari’s will not be allowed to appear for it’s exams. That leaves Somalians and MNS workers for all the jobs. We shall create teh second largest rail network in Somalia and make it the largest exporter of fodder. Soon all the cows around the world will be eating our Somalian fodder. I shall instruct my 7th son, Charu Yadav to over look this industry personally. My family loves fodder you see, also we can employ a majority of the pirates as cow-herds so that the country can have a self-sustainable dairy sector. I shall be credited with bringing the rail, milk and fodder revolutions in Somalia and my name shall be in every school textbook.
M Karunanidhi: Ada chi saettu passangala, all I hear is ‘yek gaav mey yek kissaan raghutata‘. My heart bleeds for the Somalians just like it does for the Tamil Tigers. The reason for their abject poverty and taking up arms is the lack of Tamil knowledge. All African languages also originated from Tamil and our Africans brothers are actually lost Tamils of a slightly darker skin tone. I suggest naming all merchant ships in Tamil and carrying all radio frequency in Tamil. This will force the pirates to learn Tamil and we shall open schools for them. On receiving proper education(in Tamil of course), the pirates will be reformed and take to better professions. Just like Tidel Park, I propose setting up Aden Park where Tamil, Java and dotNET shall be the official languages. We shall outsource shooting of all SunTV mega serials to Somalia and employ them on the sets. Since the country shall be dravidised we ought to have a tamizh leader. I shall nominate one of my son’s as only one of them can claim the throne of TN.
Sitaram Yechury: Comrades, none of you seem to have noticed how Advaniji let out a serpent to bite our bosoms. He want’s us to subscribe to the RSS does he? Ah you secular fanatic, that will never happen. Only me with the brain of a Chinese and a heart of an Indian could notice that, Aakhir dil hain hindustani. We propose compulsory education for one and all. With all the pirates locked up in school the waters shall be free. Once they are out of schools and colleges we shall set up a few factories and teach them union laws. This way we shall never have to worry about the factories or their wages as they shall be striking forever. We can also make it a mallu hotspot for its proximity to gelf! Artificial backwaters, massage clinics and plenty of Joy Allukas showrooms, you name it. We shall be glad to have one of our men serve as head of state for 25yrs and shall ensure zero development.Without enough time to strike and buy gold, the pirates will stop holding smoking rifles and instead puff Malabar beedis!
Mamata Banerjee: Oye vaan maast naat beeleew diis sipiyay yem, oi ma akhon ki khorbey. We reccomend bhaying aal aaf them autos and bheelding a car factri in shumaliya. Dis way I sull myself go and engineer the strikes in both the places. Aal aaf phireds weel be bijee with strikes and the gaalf will bhi pheesphool again. For those who don’t pharteesipate, we shall create a yess-ee-jhed and organize more strikes. Even then if there are peepuls left we can teach them to breed chickens and when they get the baard floo, I shall yegain go aan shtrike to protest killing aaf chickens. Bhat the sippi yem can do in 25yrs we shall do yit in months only. Autos wil baarn and everything will come to a standstill including the phirasee. Theesway there shall be no room for phirasee but you should name the country Mamtalia!
PS: All the above speeches are purely in jest and totally unintentional. They don not reflect our political loyalties nor do we wish to influence any. If you can see beyond the caricatures of the politicians ridiculed then feel free to leave a comment, else close the browser window!