The ceiling features a circular stone mural, marble elephants stare at you from the four corners of the room, red sandstone grills provide ample ventilation as the morning rays filter through them. Little bells on the door jingle each time as someone walks by them or the icy Delhi winds remind you of what time it is. All this as I am reaching a crescendo on ‘pyaar tera dilli ki sardi‘, and taking a leak in the swanky urinal at the Rashtrapathi Bhavan. I now feel bad for Auro in ‘Paa‘ who returned back to his hotel, just because he didn’t want to go potty in the Presidents latrine! Oh guess what, the flush chimes ‘Sare jahan se acha’ as I make my way to the durbarr hall. I’m sure by now regulars would have figured where this is going, but let me reiterate for the others. This is resident journalist and reporter par excellence, Munna Mobile reporting live from the Presidents residence on the occasion of India’s 61st Republic Day. Last year we had that conman godman Baba Bangali who chatted up the architect of our constitution. Well my interviews are atleast with real people, but then I dare not incur his wrath and will shut up. Our first woman president is quite a character and has consented to do a piece for this space. It must be tough after her most strenuous day of the year, that includes standing and talking for 60 minutes. Let’s try to keep it clean as Her Excellency The Honorable President of The Union of India, Smt.Pratibha Patil (PP) makes her first ever social media appearance.
MM: Mataji namaskar and Dadiji ki jai!
PP: Arrey wah beta, you know about our Dadiji. I’m so happy and comfortable now. All these blog sholg log I don’t like they always talk hi-fi techie things. But I like you, did they get you my special khakra while waiting?
MM: Err No, but I hear the lawns of the Rashtrapathi Bhavan have been transformed into large pickle drying facilities during the summer. Also that the gardeners now spend most of their time, cutting mangoes for achaar and bottling them. Care to elucidate?
PP: Haan re baba, these dilli ke stores no. The achaar you get is so bland, and so I have taught my staff to use the mangoes from our yard and bottle fresh batches each year.
MM: You were recently in the news for flying a sukhoi and setting a trend for womens empowerment, what prompted you to do something so contrasting form your daily mundane life.
PP: Oh that, one night Baba came in my dreams and told me about a message he left for me in the skies. I consulted Dadiji who asked me to take a plane and receive this knowledge, the air farce people were kind to get me a uniform and take me into the clouds.
MM: Ah well you see that totally places things in perspective, and we thought otherwise. We did some research and it says that during the emergency, you were in support of forcibly sterilizing people with hereditary diseases.
PP: Oh kamaan, you want to share the streets with people who have anuvaunshik ajars? And aajkal toh yeh gay shay ka chakkar hain. I’m sure we can cure those people with meditation and satvik food. But surely we don’t want them bringing more imperfect people into the world do we?
MM: Well your thought process pwns even #arnabforpm, but it is very interesting to hear the views of the supreme commander of our army. However what do you have to say about the scams that are attached to you like the co-operative bank, and the sugar factory?
PP: You see the Pratibha Mahila Shahkari Bank was meant to empower women and give them loans. That way they can have the power to pay their husbands’ wine shop dues and escape domestic violence. That only increased the deficit as none of their husbands went to work, for their dues were duly paid on time. Apparently empowerment means that the women start their own business, but come on! har dayya, a womans role is to make khakras in the kitchen only and not set up industries. The RBI however failed to see our logic and we were shut down for irregularities. The sugar factory was also a similar tale, we were running a legitimate business only. The Sant Muktabai Sahakari Sakhar Karkhana, was doing pretty well until someone suggested that we try a new form of powdered jaggery. The govt didn’t approve of our brown sugar venture and reported us for illegal drug trafficking. By then we had already lifted a lot of raw material form the market and ran into losses of approximately Rs.17.5 Cr.
MM: Oh my poor lady, clearly you were framed and had nothing to do with it. I’m sure the episodes where you shielded your brother in a murder case, or diverted funds form your MP fund to your husbands company, and even your son’s recent election sham we all circumstantial.
PP: Haan ji haan, you are so sweet beta. Only you seem to agree with me, make a living serve the masses. I just did what any mother would do, even Gandhari did all she could to ensure the best for her son in war. After all main bhi to ek maa hoon na, you must taste this naankhatai by the way. I had it specially flown in form Bhuj along with 45 of my relatives.while everyone else thinks I’m eccentric. My brother was just driving down a slope without lights and ignition switched off to save petrol, and out of nowhere a Congress leader rolled under his wheel. Abhi bolo isme kya galat kiya? My husbands organization falls under my constituency and I was only spending the funds for the welfare of my constituents. Again the authorities raked up an issue with the 36lakhs as misappropriated funds and all that. Lastly, bechaara my beta, my pappu who came to me wishing to fight the elections. Abhi kausa rule hain jee that bars a presidents son from serving the people. It is samaaj seva after all and even he has to
MM: Well auntyji, that pretty much was all I know you are getting late for your tambola kitty party in Mt.Abu. It was pleasure to have you on Dappan Koothu, and I’m sure our readers will love this.
PS: The image is part of KrishAshok’s desified rage meme collection.