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Alright mates this is roving reporter Munna Mobile doing a roundup of the year’s high’s and lows. It has been a terrific year in terms of achievements in sports, technology, political developments and cinema. But wait don’t we always do the unpredictable for it would be boring to do the routine stuff. Just when you think that this is yet another post about the roundup of the year’s events, we pull the carpet from below your feet. Ha! how was that I say? By the time a majority of you read this post, the new year would have already rung in as this is the first post of 2009. If we are not reporting and rehashing the highlights of year gone by, then what do we parade as an excuse for a post? Well, recently a bunch of kids across three continents took time of their busy work schedules and over numerous emails planned a Christmas trip to god’s own country. I managed to get my hand on their tour diaries and hence I shall summarize some incidents that I found worth sharing.
Never doze if you are in the passenger seat , else you wont know when your driver slept at the wheel.
It’s worse than capital punishment to sit in the passenger seat with the high beam of trucks in your eyes. That compounded with the heavy dinner you had at the roadside dhaba makes things worse. Your eyes go dreary as you slip into la-la-land and florets of the aaloo gobi you ate do the salsa before you. You will be awakened by the swerve of your vehicle as it barely manages to escape falling of the road or ramming into a truck from the opposite direction. It is also a good idea to go easy on the aaloo gobi since a heavy meal followed by a long journey hastens bowel movements! Not all road trips end up like this, bad roads ensure the curdling of the stomach and hence it’s after effects.
Never feel shy to ask the waiter about the oil in your curry and the rice in your biryani
What may seem annoying and offensive in most places is pretty much normal here. So if you have a strong nose that can pick up the smell of coconut oil from a few meters then you are better of inquiring before you order. If you are a fan of Basmati or sona masoori rice then make sure to ask before you order. Parboiled rice requires you to chew twice as much else could open the floodgates of the lower intestines. Contrary to popular belief, biryani isn’t always made with basamati rice and hence it’s always good to make sure.
Waterfalls and backwaters aren’t the best place to lose your footing
If you wanna get wet try the rain or the huge waves on the beach, slipping on the rocks near a waterfall isn’t very pretty. You might be amazed by the force of the water and the tempting rocks but losing your footing leaves you with a wet wallet and phone not to forget your favorite shirt! The backwaters are beautiful, but if you look closely it’s just one large swamp! While you are lost int he mangroves and coconut tree, you notice lotuses amongst the various floating weeds. On reaching out to pluck a lotus if you rock your boat beyond normal, it is sure to topple and you end up with a mouthful of weeds! Standing in waist deep murky water with tadpoles keeping you company isn’t a great holiday idea especially when numerous firang tourists are clicking pics of a silly Indian boy!
While playing with gigantic waves make sure your swimming trunks are fastened tight.
It may seem fun to take a wave on your chest and stand against the force of water. Diving in the saline water as you catch a cricket ball may also seem a lot of fun. Please ensure that your trunks are fastened tight for the waves love to take them away. It isn’t a pretty sight to see your naked butt as your head is inside the water searching for your trunks in the sea bed! It’s also a good idea to be wary of the sea shells and crabs for they could leave you with nasty cuts on the sole. The hot sand and saline water ensure the cuts seems even nasty and you hobble to some shade doing the Hakka dance. Some sunscreen may also help unless you prefer to peel the skin of your nose like a snake shedding its skin every season!
It’s not a good idea to enter a beach side restaurant in your swimming trunks if you are brown
When we say brown we don’t mean the color of your trunks but the color of your skin. The restaurants on India’s most pristine beaches have a bias against Indians and therefore reserve the right to admission. While tourists can walk in wearing close to nothing and a straw hat, brown people need to dress appropriately. The reason being that unless you look presentable you will be counted among the rag-pickers that ensure the beaches are devoid of any plastic. So if you are wearing your trunks it shall be understood that you can’t afford a decent meal and are here only to gawk at the firangs. It shall also be assumed that all brown people are veggies and therefore have no business entering a sea-food restaurant.
It’s strange to note how we are discriminated against in our own country and salute the heavily tipping firangs. But that’s it from the tour diaries of god’s own country. On your next visit be sure to keep them in mind and have fun. The new year ushers new hope for that is what keeps us all going. Staying positive is the mantra and holding ones nerve will be crucial. On behalf of everyone at Dappan Koothu here’s wishing you all and may you have a great year ahead!
(Image courtesy: weegeeboard)
Ah…very well written! See these were mostly what I had to say after my 2 month stay in Trivandrum. THe locals there are so used to starting at the well/overdressed Northie population that comes there for IT training and tourists may I add, that they’d think its ok to stare at anyone who wasnt from Kerala so much so, that they’d stare at ordinary looking ppl…guys too as long as they were from outside the state. No offence to the country of the god, but this I noticed. Yeneways.
Your right about the last point..yep, seen the locals curse under their breath when the guys came out of the water for a drink.
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me: yup, we are looked upon as scum in our own country. No wonder we gett he same treatment in Florida!
Oh well…Happy New Ear 😀
Hahaha! Enjoyed this post! And sad but true, the thing about white people. Everyone loves them. Not for the tips even. Everyone loves white people here. Is this a post British rule thing or were we always like this?
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me: naren sir, it’s more of a desi thing. We stretch the athithi devo bhava concept like anything. The manager later told me that a lot of people were getting into the restaurant to schmooze the firangs and just asked for water.
First! Happy 2009! 🙂
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me: well thank you and wish you the same. I forgive you for not picking up the fone..
Parboiled rice is the worst thing as I found out during my first full meals order in God’s own country. Then we settled for ice cream for lunch. And OMG those dishes? Kerala cuisine is what I hate the most. I don’t know how many people had their bowels affected during that trip. And yes, I, from then, always settle for Parota in the hotels there. It is the safest and easily available dish all over!
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me: yep barrotta is a good alternative, full of layers and soaked in oil!
LOL!! yeah i call it the big fat red rice! fortunately for me my acha hates it since he was brought up abroad, so for his sake, relatives make white rice as well during any family get together. Of course during a vacation, it’s not always easy to find a reasonable eat out with white rice:) Adithya! Kerala cuisine is good if u eat non veg 🙂 Kappa meen(tapioca and fish curry) etc etc. Coconuts in everythg is a pain, again! since dad hates it, we use very little coconut!! 🙂 Yes Parottas are awesome( but a lot of work for ur digestive system, i can never go beyond two parottas!) Parotta and chicken/beef is good. Appam and egg curry is good. Even Kerala veg cuisine, I shall invite you over to my place for Onam or Vishu and make sure you change your mind 🙂
POI: NEVER eat sea food near one of the beaches in Kerala like Kovalam etc! You can be ASSURED to get your tummy upset 🙂
Deeesspite all this – it’s still God’s own country 🙂 Ente Keralam 🙂
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me: I was tempted to try kappa kanji, but resisted owing to the travel. Food at kovalam was good infact!
lol @ kanji 🙂 i eat Kanji only wen i have a tummy issue or fever 🙂 but kanji and mango chutney is yummmm 🙂 I’d say u were lucky at Kovalam (if u survived the prawns etc :))
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me: Apparently i’m the only veggie in my grp. Hence the aaloo gobi n barotta!
i seem to have used a lot of smileys 🙂
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me: peanut sessions as well!
beaches, coconut oil, paraboiled rice, the back waters……it must have surely been one memorable trip to the gods own country……
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me: oh it sure was!
Happy new Year 🙂
Being A veggie in God’s own country often leads to stomach upsets.. Its not just the oil and the rice the very aroma that you would sense around the hotels and other eateries are filled with those of sea-food, and having people around you gorge them often ends up in stomach upsets if you are A “Vegan ”
One Advice to any traveller: Never Ever overestimate your Digestive system, and always take food lightly on travel Other than the beaches and lagoons ,backwaters ,boathouse and sea-foods isn’t kerala know for the chayya (tea) ;P ?
FYI, Another Place that would invoke a similar reaction from your stomach and bowel movement is on the east called West-Bengal, Kerala is far better compared to it.. Try going there the next time 😛
BTW did husain bolt stop running ?? 😉
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me: oh yea stopped running and hit a dam, now everything’s blocked!
Oh i dont know…i LOVE kerala food…erisheri, pulisheri, avial, puilinji etc etc…but somehow kerala food outside kerala seems tastier than what u get there! 😉 Despite the fact that my dad is a mallu, on our recent trip to munnar, thekkady etc – he was waitinnnnnnn to get back to chennai to get some normal food…I, ofcourse, like adi – survived on parotta… 🙂
And the partiality to firangs…it’s all about the tip…it’s all about the money :-/
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me: parotta here as well! The avial tastes better outside due to the local variations used!
Firsht of all, ‘appy new year saare! sounds like a fab trip!
the discrimination bit got overshadowed by the image of you searching for your swimming trunks on the sea bed in my head 😀 😀
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me: in my defense we were a group of 6 and these incidents happened to diff members of the grp. Front seat sleeping being me, the rest were others!
endha paranjidu cheta…chi chi
u dint write abt “the malayalee masseuse” ?
funny as always!!
btw–didnt u get a houseboat experience there? its suppossed to cater to the first class needs of nris and firangs…
having lived with loads of mallus in oman, going to kerala often felt like home…i miss the smell of coconut oil and the flavor of coconut in my food…which is why i like thai food soo much.
and happy new year to you too….
happy new year
Haha.. I survived on Aapam and Ishtu during my trip to Ernakulam/Cochin. That was awesome! I went to a friend’s wedding at Guruvayoor and had a hard time eating the rice – had to fill up with the half a dozen varieties of payasam that they served.
Happy new year to you. Btw.. did you realize I had left you an award? or do you normally not acknowledge them?
Yay! I was waiting for a Kerala trip update 😛 But of course, I couldnt read beyond the trunks floating in the water and all.
I managed to read with great effort and went through the comments as well. I hate Kerala food too. Too much coconut, top it with coconut oil, that thick rice – Thanks, but no thanks!
@Lakshmi: Non veg aah? Too much idhellam. I demand vegetarian food 😉
I have never been to Kerala,i have seen all that greenery just on TV and wanted to visit atleast once in my life. after reading your post i will think twice before planning a trip. seems like ‘tumne mere plan pe backwaters pher diya’. though my In laws being from Palakkad i do get a regular dose of keralite cooking. which i like but save the tonnes of coconut oil please…
As much as I hated Kerala while I was there, I must say I liked parts of the “she’s an outsider” treatment. Except of course I don’t miss being gawked at like an alien of sorts…
Ah, travails of a Mundu Man- one numbers wonly!
My friend is a Trinidadian, with obviously some Indian origins, and a non Indian sounding Muslim name. So until she opens her mouth and say, “Shudthebambakladaup” she looks very much desi. She found her bikini bit in Goa and Kerala got a lot of hostile and condemning looks from the locals because they felt “one of our own is stripping away and tippling on feni”.
If you went on a temple riverside yatra, you’d be amazed at the spectacle of the sight of Indian men in nothing but a Malayala thundu dunking themselves- all is forgiven and looked away, but hell will not forgive you if you lounge around in a pair of Florida trunks on a beachside resort. Else you can join John the man Abraham and show butt in the Indian movies. Othrwise and all, chi chi aiyo aiyo wonly.
Have a nice year ahead.