Thala Ajith fans can now become real citizens

This is roving reporter Munna Mobile bringing you the news bites of the week. There have been a lot of issues grabbing the headlines this past week, but we at Dappan Koothu only bring you the news that matters. It began with the Chief Minister of Karnataka falling of his chair, and thus giving rise to wisecracks like ‘CM kursi se phisle‘ and ‘Kissa phisli kursi ka‘. Our investigation later revealed that it was a in disbelief of the fact that the Shri Ram Sene had withdrawn their protest against St.Valentine’s day. Though unavailable for comment on camera, the CM’s office has confirmed the fact off-record. As feared in our previous post that young couples facing oppressions form their families, may turn to the moral police. That is what exactly happened in the city of the Nizam’s, as a couple caught outside on the eventfulday was more than happy to oblige! In more weird news, the courts have declared that snogging in public isn’t obscene if you are married but is a crime and a public nuisance if you aren’t. It however defies logic for how a persons marital status decides whether an act is obscene or not. Strange are the ways of the law, but even strangers and our news of the day is from the country of dreams.

On the heels of the H1-B racket that was busted in the US, the government has realized that there are a large number of immigrants and not enough jobs. The exodus of fresh grads from with MS degrees doesn’t not go well with new proposed visa bar to recruiting companies. With the growing number of grads passing out of colleges around the country, the government has decided to make best use of their multi-lingual, culinary, movie downloading
and
potty cleaning skills
movie downloading and potty cleaning skills. In a very shocking declaration, the American military will begin recruiting skilled immigrants who are living in the US with temporary visas, offering them the chance to become United States citizens in as little as six months. Oh yes, you read that right, citizenship in six months. No H1-B processing or green card hassles, just join the army, become a citizen on the first day of service and take the oath in six months! All grad students automatically clear the two year requirement and their experience downloading foreign language movies on torrents makes them multi-lingual! Starting with a pilot program of 1000, this could extend to 14.000 pretty soon. The language requirements list Hindi and Tamil as the only two Indian languages out of the 35 listed. It comes as a fantastic opportunity to folks who are dying to be part of this so-called great country!

Recruiters expect that the temporary immigrants will have more education, foreign language skills and professional expertise than many Americans who enlist, helping the military to fill shortages in medical care, language interpretation and field intelligence analysis [link]

This news however comes as a rude shock to the owners
of H1-B sweatshops
rude shock to the owners of H1-B sweatshops more specifically in the New Jersey area.Their offers of 4 weeks training and 3 weeks marketing are now in jeopardy. After the hiring freeze, this news comes as a shocker and is sure to lure their sheep. We managed to get Mr.Reddy owner of one such sweatshop Reddysoft, he expressed grave anger and disbelief as kids we no longer disillusioned by their fake promises of 401K green cards etc. ‘None of them want to update their fake resumes, how else do I bill the client $80 and pay these scumbags $30?‘. The scene was a not very different down the road in another sweatshop as Mr.Sastry of Sastrysoft was desperately making changes to his package.’We will now offer military training in addition to Java, C#, Unix and SAP. We will help to fabricate fake resumes, non-existent war experience and guarantee high billing rate‘. There have been similar attempts from the desi consultancies to retain their employees and lure new grads. We also heard that a lot of Telugu junta were making a beeline to get some Tamil cinema DVDs and hope to qualify. Apparently a fight broke out outside a desi-store as students fought for the remaining copes of the recent Tamil blockbusters Villu and Silambattam. Our investigation later revealed that it was their respective fans who wanted to ensure that the gults could be converted to worship their idol.

The news spread to Chennai and fans of cinestar Ajith Kumar were hoping to make a fast buck by selling copies of his film ‘Citizen‘, sources tell us that it was his last known real hit as well. The Tamil Nadu government was pleased to know that Tamils were in demand and prime choice for army recruitment. However the CM has also sought reservation in the recruitment process sighting that the weak thayir-sadam eating Iyers and Iyengars will be
no match
weak thayir-sadam eating Iyers and Iyengars will be no match for terrorists. Also idol worshipers will engage in homams and archanis before launching an attack and therefore only atheist Tamils be recruited. There were reports that the CM has also asked for Tamil to be made an official language in the US army so that all the pazhaniappans and muthuvels can carry out orders in Tamil. We also managed to get some news bites from the neighboring states as the Shri Ram Sene vowed to fight for equal recruitment rights fro kannadigas. A SHS spokesperson was found saying, ‘Bengalooru is the silicon valley of India, and we do maximum business for the US. These Tamils fight with us for water, ruin our film industry and now want army jobs as well‘. The mood was quite similar in Andhra Pradesh where a TRS spokesperson was quoted as, ‘Telugus are the biggest community in the US, see the number of Telugu films that release every week in the US. Our Telugu kids are in every university and they even have Telugu associations. Telugus should be given priority over Tamils and more so for those from the Telangana distict!‘.

One semi-popular blogger was also vociferous in his claims, ‘Ever since Telugu has been granted the status of a classical language, we ought to get equal opportunity along side you Tamils’. There have been clashes reported between Kamal and Rajini fans, for they don’t wish to be on same missions if recruited. There are rumors floating around that in an agreement Uncle Sam would be replaced by Rajini, where as Kamal could occupy Mt.RushmoreKamal could occupy Mt.Rushmore. The Statue of Liberty could go in for a makeover and sport the look of buxom and bovine screen-goddess Namitha. The Lincoln Memorial according to rumors could be replaced by either MGR or Sivaji Ganesan. In other reports, fans of Pepsi Uma and Khushboo have burnt a few buses on hearing rumors that Namitha would be the newest occupant on Liberty Island. However we are just pleased to report that in times of an economic slowdown and recession, our desi kids have the US Army to look forward to. Every kid who wanted to be an army man after watching ‘Gabtun Vijaykanth‘, now have the golden opportunity to relive their dream. Those who scoffed at us when we showed terrorists in Pakistan speak Tamil will now have to eat their shoes. Why else will Tamil be recruited unless it is spoken in Iraq and Afghanistan? Keep checking this space for such updates, for now that’s all from Munna Mobile.

(Image Courtesy: defendamerica)