Two states and three naris

Friends, Gults and Telanganamen, lend me your beers. Budweiser, Corona and Heineken don’t match Kingfisher or even Haywards 5000 and are relegated to Horse piss. Reporting form the riot-stricken streets of Hyderabad, wearing pink to avoid being pounded, this is ace reporter and journalist par excellence Munna Mobile. I know I can put Arnab Goswami to shame, when it comes to self-aggrandizing oneself, but he is atleast good competition. I shall even go on to state on record that my emergence in journalism has been stemmed by #arnabforpm. If not for him, you’d see me pwn even big time groaners like Glen Beck and Lou Doubbs. This post is not about alcoholic beverages nor is it about the exploits of toddy liquor baron Vijay Mallya. Having pimped my already inflated ego by heaving praises on myself, I shall let you in on my investigations. Over the past few months, this state has been grappled by bandhs, rasta-rokos, self-immolation, other forms of suicides, sexually hyperactive octogenarians, pink chaddi wearing politicos, and last but not the least my two favorite people Chetan Bhagat and Lalit Modi. We at DappanKoothu have decided to show our fondness towards these two wonderful citizens, by pulling them into every post that is generated for this space in the coming months.

The pink brigade first began their agitation for a separate state of telangana, this is ofcourse different form the women who like to go to pubs and send pink
chaddis
to whoever
has a problem
send pink chaddis to whoever has a problem with them. The horrendously large beaked leader who was tired of being used as a door knob for shawls at the UPA HQ, went on a fast for a separate state. Our sources tell us that he would gorge on lamb biryani and chicken breasts during bathroom breaks, but that is out of syllabus for the moment. The student body seeing this as a brilliant opportunity to cut classes, began ransacking shops and razing buses. Inside info for our readers, boy blunder davinci was also responsible for a few dastardly acts of public inconvenience, a few years ago. We also learnt that upon receiving news that KCR may break his fast, the student body threatened him with his life for they would have to return to the endless rigmarole of coursework. Quizzed upon our findings a rather nonplussed KCR in a pink kurta replied ‘Pink only my liking colorrrru, my eyes both thousand watts powerrrru’. He however chose to comment on the recent IPL auction and said, ‘Those bleddy donganakoddakas, everyone is complaining of how Pak players were excluded. Has anybody noticed that not even a single telangana player was part of the auction? We will not allow a single IPL game to be held in Hyd unless they change the kits of the Deccan Chargers to pink.‘. Valid charges you may argue, but now all eyes are on the cricket administrators to come up with a solution if they wish to see any cricket played in the land of ‘randi, repu and jarugandi’.

We tried contacting the baby elephant of Andhra politics, Chiranjeevi-gaaru who while not ducking loosely tethered electric cables, makes rare appearances in the legislative assembly. On being asked if he would aim for a united Andhra as a challenge he said, ‘The TRS issue is a very serious one and we ought to make a movie out of it to educate the masses. My son, my brother and myself will act in it and my brother-in-law shall produce it. That way the funds from the state exchequer will stay within
the family
funds from the state exchequer will stay within the family only
‘. He failed to approve of pink as a color for the state assembly building and preferred red as we already, know else somebody gonna get a goli maar!. He pressed that there were other issues that needed immediate attention, ‘So many farmer-suicides as a result of drinking pesticides, we need to help them by providing free tractors, seeds and building canals‘. Who better than Chiru to explain the apathy of farmers who have to dodge other tractors that trespass upon their fields. .Our brief meeting was cut short as he had to leave for a rally and mouth a few dialogs from his popular movies, apparently that’s the closest he can get to questioning the government. Our sources tell us that he can’t speak without a script and hence has to resort to dialogs from his politically themed movies. As kids we were told that failure to finish the rat race of competitive exams would result in us being barred from every profession in the world except cinema. With movie stars running for office, it doesn’t quite paint a rosy picture of the future, but then we are again drifting out of syllabus.

We next spoke to someone who studied politics in college, who graciously took time of his busy schedule that included playing mafia wars in a dual monitor setupplaying mafia wars in a dual monitor setup. The former CEO of Andhra Naidu-gaaru had to say this on the issue, ‘What two states three states you people are talking, we need to have an Andhra 2.0 that will take us through the new decade. Let me show you the powerpoint presentation I showed Bill Clinton and Bill Gates, that even my cook has seen a hundred times‘. We asked him what he felt about Chiru-gaarus tractor and canal logic to which he replied, ‘In the last election they accused me of distancing myself from the farmers, and hence I have raked up enough points on farmville to counterattack accusations on my lack of agricultural knowledge. Please wait as I harvest my strawberries, and plant rice that will be ready in 12hrs‘. Not wanting to sit through a seminar of anti-incumbency, polarized mandate and other political mumbo-jumbo, we chose to leave gather more info for this report. The erstwhile governor of the state is now an icon and modern day marvel of the human libido. At a time when men half his age have problems keeping their side up, Tiwari-gaaru was screwing not one but three of them! ‘I have participated in the freedom struggle and am therefore absolved. Plus these are doctored tapes, they do not show the fourth girl in it! It is a conspiracy because I refused to wear pink chaddis and paint the raj bhavan pink. I was after all only checking if the women wore pink chaddis or not‘. The above revelation sure gives us an indicator of how many English women were boned during the struggle but we were shocked to learn this, ‘These days I am getting calls form some forex-somebody and niagra-somebody who claim to be foreign brands and want me to be their brand ambassador for a newly introduced target audience‘.

Our two favorite guests were quick to jump on the bandwagon and cash in  on the free publicity the issue was getting. ‘This is not the Indian Pink League to bow to their whims and fancies, we shall however market the cheerleaders as pink girls and I shall occasionally wear a pink turban. If Mr.KCR is willing to play ball, we shall brand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run twobrand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run two.‘, thundered a visibly upset Lalit Modi. He thereafter went on a roll to market the IPL with a customized version to suit KCR, ‘The 15min break shall be called the Telangana time-out and KCR can give speeches and use it to promote his cause during home games. I can also ensure that Arun Lal and L.Siva utter the words Telangana randomly in every alternate sentence on-air, since none of what they say makes sense anyways.‘ If promised to ensure the games went incident free, he promised to coax Ravi Shastri to alter his famous cliches like ‘hit like a tracer bullet’ to ‘swept like the telangana elections’. Chetan Bhagat wasn’t very amused at  the whole tamasha and was upset that we didn’t approach him first, ‘The whole idea is blatantly lifted form my new book, I am the sole creator of two states and KCR ought to give me credit for the agitation. Heck he isn’t even on twitter so that I can block him, abbey yaar these madarasis na are not cool like us to be on orkut and twitter.I should stop writing in 5th standard english else these people will easily comprehend and market my content as their own‘. He even had a few words for Mr.Tiwari, ‘Saala buddha satiya gaya hain, his whole three women massage scandal is also inspired form my book. They are clearly the three mistakes of his life and who do you think came up with that? I hereby stake claim to anything that has to do with the numbers one, two , three, and five and will block anyone who makes fun of me‘. That’s all we could get, for he was angered to know that we hadn’t read a single 5th-std English  textbook of his.

PS: If you believe in any of the above, you are in fact my new best friend. God promise, grandfather promise, sister-in-law promise.

PPS: This post is also part of BlogAdda’s Spicy Saturday Picks