Continued from here.
Saruggan was a complex creature, despite being a seer he also had a penchant for collagen shots. Though he meditated in the Elephanta Caves, he also owned an awful palace in Bandra. While Ganesh Damodaran(henceforth referred to as Gandoo) drew his powers from kundalini experiences, Saruggan drew his powers from romancing starlets and women half his age. He grew stronger as he sapped out the youth out of the gullible women who fell for his charms and out stretched arms. Despite this mildly creepy source of power, Saruggan was a wise man whom Gandoo always consulted.
“Ah Saruggan my friend, you look younger than ever. Are there any starlets left or have you began sucking the youth out of the bats in these caves?”
“Gandoo dearest, you have always been waiting for a chance to pull my leg ever since I ridiculed you southies for eating noodles with curds! What brings you here, don’t tell me you’ve given up kundalini in favour of my methods!”
“This is a matter of grave importance, My friend Bilba’s grandson, Pand has discovered a ring which I fear is the nose ring of Mahishasura. It must be destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands. Imagine what could happen if someone got hold of it and figured a way to unleash the demonic powers.”
“Where is the ring now, did you bring it with you, let me have a look at it. I want to see the power of the asuras shining in all its glory!”
“The nose ring is safe, it it is with a bumbling Inspector who like to call himself JMS Pand. The nose ring is safest with someone who is unaware of the great power it posses. I’ve sent him to Sabarimala to destroy it by hurling it into the Makaravilakku.”
“You fool, you should have brought it along. There are no better guardians for the nose ring than yourself and me. We could even balance the demonic powers of the ring with our combined powers and unlock mysteries! I could be young forever and you could master your kundalini.”
“There there, you have that Chandramukhi look on your face, you are beginning to freak me out. Wait a minute you have been corrupted, you want the nose ring for yourself. Remove that thought else you shall incur the wrath of the goddess!”
“Nevaaaaaaar, I am the king! If you remember, I like wild cats. Let her unleash whatever she wants to, will tame her with a lot of pleasure. You know way too much and are now a threat to my plans. Unfortunately my friend, our friendship and your life must end right here!”
“Hey look, it’s that Rambdev fellow behind you! Now you shall suffer the skullduggery of his pranayama, hahahahaha.”
Gandoo managed to escape by distracting Saruggan, and rushed to warn JMS Pand & Samrat of the impending danger. Saruggan, angered by the trickery of Gandoo, summoned his
hunt down the gults*summoned his zombie vixen to hunt down the gults* and bring him the nose ring.
“Anna why this sudden bhakti parvasam? Also are you aware we cannot go to Sabarimala just like that? Big process is there, mala must be put, 40 days sleeping on floor and not eating meat etc.”
“Arrey Sam, think of it like an excursion. I was once reading an article that had illustrations showing escalators, purification centers etc. Don’t worry, also we don’t have to go to the temple. Throwing this nose ring in that so-called divine fire will do. Some people think it is like a volcano, haha. We have to go see someone in Tirupati, we’ll have some prasadam eats like pigs at the annadanam and then think of what to do next.”
“Anna look there, that beautiful girl is calling us, she wants us to join in her the back of her van. I think I’ve seen her before, she killed her 7 husbands or something.”
“Who cares ra, we are hitch-hiking on the highway somewhere near the outskirts of Guntur. A hot punju type looking lady is inviting us, who says you can’t reach vaikuntam*? I say it is right there in her van! Holy Venkataramana are those tentacles coming out of her back? Rei Sam, I think Gandoo thatha was right, this nose ring thing is definitely evil, parigettu ra suntaaaaa*”
“aaaaargh GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAAAAAAAAAAAN”
“Anna, there’s a truck coming our way. let’s try to stop it and get away“. Samrat waved furiously like a man stung by a tarantula and the duo hopped into the truck while the zombie starlet with tentacles tried chasing them with her van.
“Allo Dora*, Myself Arumugam, Driver cum cleaner cum guide. I am speak the English. This truck go till Tirumala for halt. Who that lady poochandi*? Also why she to be chasing for us?”
“I am Inspector Pand, JMS Pand and this is Sam. We have to get to Sabarimala in time for the Makaravillaku and destroy this nose ring. It seems to be like a magnet for trouble, one moment ago a pretty lady was offering us a ride and the next moment she transforms into some weird creature out to kill us!”
“Dora yuvar neck is blood coming Dora. That poochandi lady hit with that big wires from hand I am thinking. Dora don’t faint, I will take to Tirumala superfast. Arrey Sam Dora, see in back some naatusaara* is there, give to Pand dora for drink and put on the neck little also.”
“Please place him here, naanagaaru* is in dhyaanam*, let me clean the wound while he finishes his prayers. I am Ranganayaki and I have a twin sister Ratnanayaki. To avoid confusion they call us R1 and R2, Ah naanagaru is here! naanagaru idi chudandi, looks like he was stung by some venom. I haven’t seen anything so potent like this before.”
“Correct amma, this looks like the work of a mantrawadi dushtashakti*the work of a mantrawadi dushtashakti*. Get me apply some thailam also get me some kumkumam from swamivaaru’s sannidhi. Let us wrap him in neem leaves and place him on a bed of onions.”
L.Randhira Rao(ellurandhu) was an Ayurvedic practitioner, a patron of all the vedas he could recite them with ease. His place was always open to anyone visiting Tirumala. The so-called good forces and keepers of positive faith would drop-in regularly had hold their meetings with his hospitality. His daughter R2 had gone to the himalayas to research rare life-saving herbs, whereas R1 stayed with her father assisting him in treating people and learning from the wise men that dropped by.
“I see you’ve met my lads Sam & Pand already, my dear ellurandhu“. Gandoo was visibly tired after his sojourn from fleeing the Elephanta caves all the way to Tirumala. Yet he was determined and this face shone like a thousand suns, there was no way you could tell he was old looking at the way he moved. “We must act quickly, Saruggan has already sent his vixen to capture the boys and retrieve the nose ring. He is putting together an army of zombies as we speak and danger is closing in on us every minute. Ellurandhu my friend, send word to your trusted allies, we must form a team to protect Pand and ensure the nose ring is destroyed“.
“Peak season ra, this is. Everyone is on some sort of pilgrimage or protecting devotees. There are only a few I know, who might me available, let me look them up. Amma R1, stop flirting with that truck-driver and get my phone book!“.
Raghuram Iyengar(raghulaws) was a lawyer and helped fight cases against many fake godmen. When he was not in a courtroom, he fought black magicians with tantra which he mastered at a very young age hailing from a priestly family. Gilma Pandiyan(Gilma) was a henchman often hired to polish off goons who were selling alcohol near temples and troubling the denizens of agraharams. Standing at just 5ft tall, gilma was a god fearing man with a special liking towards women of all shapes and sizes. Bhramaji was a Malayali fast bowler who was a wasted talent and had changed his name to try his luck in the Andhra Ranji team. Best known for his crazy antics, weird dancing and a record for offering angapradakshinam at every temple in South India, Bhramaji had been pestering elluraandhu to send him on one of the many missions people sought ellurandhu’s personnel.
“Amma R1 the doorbell is ringing, must be the guys we called to form the gumbal. My friend Gandoo, I cannot accompany you but I hope the men I’ve picked serve you well on the mission.”
“Yes yes they will do, also my boy Pand just woke up. Gentlemen, we shall leave as soon as Pand has fully recovered. While I may not be able to promise your safety, I can assure you one thing, this is going to be the greatest journey of our lives!”
“Gandoo Dora, any time any where dora. Just keep one bottle sarakku for me all times ready”
“Thatha you have my word, these fists shall smash a few skulls before they drop motionless. This is promise, gilma promise”
“Relying on the brawn are we? my acumen and tantric chants shall keep us safe. Don’t worry you can mark the words of this lawyer!”
“Hmmmmm I don’t think I’ll ever play cricket. Might as well accompany you guys. Just promise me one thing, no matter what I do, none of you are supposed to slap me!”
“Myself Samrat redy, I also swear to accompany Pand anna and ensure the nose ring is destroyed.”
“There you go Gandoo, the gumbal is set. I, ellurandhu wish you all the luck, may you the lord of the seven hills be with you!”
(Image Courtesy: The Indian Express)
gults – telugus
vaikuntam – The abode of Lord Vishnu
parigettu ra sunta – run you fool
Dora – sir
poochandi – scary creature/monster
naatusaara – country liquor
naanagaaru – father
dhyanam – meditation
dushtashakti – evil forces