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Oppari with Oprah

Hello ji, are you a celebrity or do you think that you are one? Have you met the Kannagi of the west, Oprah?  No? Don’t worry. Now arranging a meet might not be that easy, so are you good at photoshop or do you atleast know someone who can do the required imagery for you? Nevermind if you don’t, can you atleast find a gossip-hungry journalist? Find one & give him/her a sound-byte on how Oprah inspired you during you school years. Even better if you are a ladies, then you can claim that she was your role model growing up. Atleast write a blogpost or even a tweet on how she has shaped your outlook towards oppression against women and little girls all over the world must look up to her. Doesn’t matter if you are in Kumbakonam, Rajamundry or even Thrissur, you can still claim that your cousin in the states met her at a mall where she greeted everyone with her motherly warmth.
>>Lollu at the LitFest

Lyrics are overrated

Dear readers, its high time we bring back nonsense bulletins to counter all the crap that is doled out in the name of prime time news. This is Munna Mobile bringing you the best of news you cannot use. Music has been an integral part of our cinema and has served as a narrative vehicle for characters to express their feelings. Over the years the poetic element has taken a backseat and songs in cinema have been reduced to backup dancers in jarring costumes or the lead pair gallivanting in a foreign locale. Things changed when the Mozart of madras announced his arrival and spawned many wannabes to ring in a new age of cinema music. One such music arranger is Harris Jayraj and our music correspondent James Bilahari caught up with him earlier this week for his views on the current music scene, charges of plagiarism & his most recent album.
>>James Bilahari talks to Harris jayraj

Supremely Sublime Movies of 2011

There may not have been too many posts on the blog this year but that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been any bad movies this year. While other blogs/sites are compiling their lists of the best of the year, I’m here doing what I do best. You are wrong if you think I’m gonna list a few b-graders and get away, this list is for the duds that came out this year with large budgets,
a-list
stars &
megalomaniac directors
large budgets, a-list stars & megalomaniac directors. It has not been easy to compile a list given the truckloads of shit that the Hindi movie industry has managed to churn out this year. I wish I could add a few Tamil and Telugu movies to this list, but then we’d be looking at a bottomless pit. In the interest of saving my fingers from being worn out typing furiously, this post covers only the Hindi releases of 2011. I’m not gonna rank any of these and you may find a few exclusions as well. However if you wish to add any, feel free to use the comments section. I was once asked as to why I do this, well someone has to do the dirty work and even bad movies need some recognition. Grab a bag of chips before you read further, as this is gonna be a long one.
>>Start the fans please

Review: Desi Boyz – Chitrangadha Singh is a wooomaaaan

I had begun to write a review for Desi Boyz even before I watched it. I just had to cross check if it was as I predicted and add some things that I missed. Well I hope I hadn’t watched it for what I had written earlier was far sweeter than what is about to follow. There was a horrible movie called Deuce Bigalow which later spawned an even horrible sequel. Looking back I feel bad for labeling them as horrible because there is a new leader when it comes to horrendous male escort movies. The industry is harsh you see, make a movie on male escorts and that falls under comedy but you do the same with women and that puts you in the line of protests, indecency complaints and mahila mukti activists! Now unless you are the Secretary for the male-escorts-movie-artists-associaion in your city, you are excused but if you still like the movie then I definitely need to hear from you.
>>Waxed chests and economics profs

Review: Rockstar – The travails of an ailing gal

This has not been a good year for Hindi cinema, with severely hyped duds or blockbusters that made us groan & shriek in disbelief for the moolah they raked in. Rockstar is backed by an awesome soundtrack by the maestro A.R.Rahman & sadly many can’t or refuse to see beyond that. There have been many movies that have featured brilliant compositions but rarely has that managed to hide the godawful monstrosity behind them. Rockstar is no exception and it seems like Rabir Kapoor was the unfortunate soul to be denied the stuff the whole unit was smoking. I kid you not when I tell you that this was the better entertainment option of the week & precisely what I needed to cleanse the system & get my sanity back. The only redeeming portion in this mindnumbing movie barring the songs, was a 2-minute re-enactment of ‘Yeh Chand So Roshan Chehra’, the best tribute to Shammi Kapoor sahab.
>>This is what really happened

Fasting and very furious

Dear bhaktas and Dipusanth, I bring you this message with the hope that peace reigns across borders and the air we breathe is safe again. Who am I kidding, let’s just hope that India retains the test ranking and some random bollywood starlet doesn’t get into another smuggling/MMS scandal. Speaking of scandalous smugglers, how are Messrs Ramdev & Hazare? Last I heard, they were having a fasting cage match, where they fast for 45 days and then duel in a steel cage. Strike that out, but then that will be a great thing to watch with full media coverage, expert fasting analysts, SMS polls and Tarot card predictions. I was sifting through my fanmail which is generally dakshina from my nigerian bhaktas, russian bhaktas selecting brides for me, female bhaktas who can’t afford to cover their body seeking my blessings via chat and some bhaktas offering to enlarge my body parts. This one however was different and hence I’d like to share it with all of you.
>>The Letter

Cup jaye par kapde na jaye

Dear Sreesanth, ladies and gentlemen, this is Munna Mobile reporting from the Wankhede stadium with hours to go before the mother-in-law of all clashes goes underway & decides who the who lifts the world cup. Also I hope I’ve pleased fans of the Kochi Tusker who outraged over my salutation in the previous edition where we put him after men and women. The whole country is gripped with world cup fever and with India making it to the finals, every other event in the nation has been swept under the sofa. This has however been usurped by the news of a young Mumbai lass vowing to shed her clothes if the home team won. This has caused more than half the country to choke over their filter coffee and Hindu paper. Even the cops stationed at the Wankhede for finals bandobast were dumbfounded by this revelation. Now if you can get a pandu to talk about anything other than vada pav and dada kondkar movies, then you have truly arrived! But before we delve into the discussions we had over chai and beedi, we must report on the dame and her nudist endeavors.
>>Pawar, Modi and the Gita

Caw caw itne caw girte hain kaiko

Ladeej, Jents and Sreesanth, we bring you this bulletin in times of grave sorrow in the avian world. This is Munna Mobile reporting from the lawns outside the Ministry of Environment and Forests(MoEF) where after copious amounts of filter coffee and ribbon pakodas, grim faces have emerged from an all staff meeting. There has been a surge in the number of dead birds falling from the sky in many parts of the world and now all eyes are on India. This weird and highly unfortunate phenomenon has puzzled scientists, bird watchers all over the world, for there seems to be no common thread that runs across all the incidents. Fireworks, electric cables, pollution, and carcinogenic airwaves as a result of Arnab Goswami’s daily outburst have been cited as the most likely causes. After dillydallying over a dozen other possible causes, the worlds brightest minds have decided that the solution lies in Hindu Mythology. Afterall most solutions to problems in the western world can either be solved by picking up the phone and talking to Maggie alias Mythili alias Maragadhavalli with a horrible accent, or Sr.Software Engineers with Database ERP & Software responsibilities. There is a third kind wherein you go to Bikram Yoga, buy carpets, light incense sticks, play hypnotic chants and leaf through the pages of the Kamasutra. The collective knowledge of all the scientific brains in the western world has agreed that this time the solution lies in the great Indian Epic, The Ramayana!
Read More

Shakuntala, Get a science textbook!

Bhaktas, This is your resident philosopher Baba Bangali bringing you this update from my cave in the Himalayas. I’ve been away on important business like spamming sites that anger the wise folks over at HJS. I’ve had to set aside my troll activities to focus on a matter of grave importance. This past week, a very disturbing article was brought to my notice and my sympathies are with the mentally unstable columnist. Afterall it isn’t easy to churn out gibberish every week and if you are an agony aunt then the absurdities spike exponentially. I am aware of how difficult it is to answer lovelorn students, unsatisfied couples, coquettish housewives, bored businessmen and hostel tales!

Read More

Kamzor Kadi Kaun to decide Ind-Oz series

Junta, after our mildly successful expose about North Korea and Endhiran, we now bring you the latest developments from the cricketing scene. While the whole country is singing paeans to the historic series crushing victory and the nation’s favorite son scoring a double century while crossing 14,000 runs, we chose to focus on other issues. Afterall this is Munna Mobile bringing you news you cannot use and the only other to-do on our list is to find ways and means to get into Mayanti Langer’s pants! Even before the series was lost, Cricket Australia confirmed the news of resting key players for the ODI series including the likes of Ricky Ponting, Shane Watson and Mitchell Johnson. While this may be seen as a move to preserve their best for the ashes, it also gives lesser known players a taste of an India tour and the pasting that awaits them on the dry pitches.Now don’t tell me you expected Doug Bollinger to spew any venom, the dude is badass alright but his CSK days have resulted in his chanting the Hanuman Chalisa every Tuesday and frequent visits to the Namakkal Anjeneya temple. A semi-derailed and mellowed Bollinger works out only in the CSK equation and that increases the chances of a thumping series victory to India.
>> Neena Gupta, Modi & Tambola

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Dappan Koothu

Movies, Matter, Satire