Review: Kidnap – skin skin baby!
It’s been a while since I’ve seen some bad cinema and I was missing the agony factor. It’s no secret that bad movies give a kick, much more than what a shot of vodka, vibhuti and vadu maanga does! The wait finally ended this week when I saw not one but 4 box office duds! I wasn’t quite much expecting a show but when it was the guy who gave VRF their biggest hits, I was expecting something decent. Now I’ve got to be frank and state that Dhoom was better and I slept through the over-hyped sequel. After Imran Khan‘s pleasant debut I was excited to see how he’d pull of a mean guy role that contrasts his chocolate-boy image. Throw in a haggard looking Sanjay Dutt, ample cleavage shots of Minissha Lamba and Vidya Malvade and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. The camera seemed to have a mind of its own as it ignored the head and chose to focus only on the midriff and bosom in a few scenes. My guess is that it was loaned to them by aaaoooo Shakti Kapoor. All said and done, but I was totally taken aback by what followed and it took me a while to regain my senses. Without wasting further time and web page real estate, Bhaiyon aur unke Beheno we present..
‘The Dappan Koothu guide for kidnappers, victims and their parents’
When you storm out of the house after an argument with your mom, be sure to wear a bikini underneath.
Who knows, you see the inviting and serene sea you may feel like taking a swim. You have to cater to the people who missed the first five minutes as they were haggling witht he popkorn guy or trying to find a parking spot. Since nobody expected you to open the movie with a song and cavort in your inners, you ought to give the a second chance! Also this gives us an opportunity to see the waters kiss your feet as the camera drifts over your washboard abs.
When you wake up fully clothed and the last thing you remember is prancing in a bikini, don’t forget to ask the question every pure indian girls asks!
Seriously girl, aren’t you botherd as to who dressed you up and how you landed in an abandoned house? I mean every girl who has seen DDLJ will obviously ask questions like ‘Tum Kaun Ho’, ‘Mere Kapde kisne badle’ and not go seaching for your girlfriends. If your girlfriends wanted to play a prank they would hire a more mean looking guy, instead of leaving you alone with a chocolate mousse! So better watch some bollywood before you ask absurd questions, it really helps!
It’s not the best time to fight with your ex-husband once you realize that your daughter has been kidnapped.
You may hate the man that left you and chose his work over the family. But asking him to leave the house when he is the only guy the kidnapper will talk too doesn’t seem too intelligent! Wearing tight fitting shirts with two buttons open sure helps, for the kidnapper may choose to return your daughter and grab you instead! I sure for one felt that the mother-daughter roles could be reversed because the business suits clearly looked more luscious than the bikinis.
Live close to a building under construction, it helps if you have to chase the kidnapper
You may also want to hit the gym regularly for jumping and chasing may takes it toll with age. Though it may seem inspired for me it was the only saving grace apart from the skin show. As a parent do pray that the kidnapper cant jump floors, for that would be an unfair advantage! Don’t try to irritate your kidnapper by not answering his calls, He’s got your daughter dammit and not selling you credit cards!
Trying to seduce your kidnapper with a dip in the sea and rolling in the sand isn’t the most clever thing to do.
Who bathes in the sea when there is not enough water at home? OK maybe mermaids do, but then don’t we all need to shower off the salt and sand? If i was locked in a house with no water to bathe, I’d rather stink than smell like the beach! I’d think of ways to escape rather than seduce my kidnapper and take it as an excuse to break into a song. Also you might always keep a set of extra clothes in your car, may come handy when kidnapped!
When you kidnap someone try to focus on your work rather than staring at their chest or watching them change clothes in the silhouette.
You’ve already seen her in a bikini when you kidnapped her, and the last time you got distracted by her curves she stabbed you. You may be hot blooded and it may be your first real crime, but that isn’t an excuse to be staring! Don’t let your victim do the dishes for she may try to stab you with a knife, and you always won’t be lucky. It’s not always a good idea to pin your victim on her back, can’t rely on the darn hormones you see!
When your kidnapper is shot in the arm, try escaping instead of tending to him.
You may consult Baba Bangali it your don’t believe me but commonsense will say the same. Your kidnapper is wounded and unconscious, just cause you went to a convent school doesn’t mean you nurse his wounds. Lets say you are a good samaritan and do some basic first aid, but then why do you have to sit and wait till he wakes up? You’ve got him in shackles then why do you need him to dial your dad? Am I missing something here? You are soon-to-be-18 why cant you cal your dad yourself instead of asking the kidnapper to do it with a gun to his head!
So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I hope this guide comes handy the next time somebody is kidnapped! Oh wait you could also watch this movie by the same name…
(Image courtesy: Rediff)
ROFL! looks like you’ve been put through quite an ordeal. I’ll take the hint and skip this one. Sounds liek the stuff horror movies are made of. :S
—
me: quite horrifying esp since Minissha looks like a skinned broiler chicken!
Thirundha matta!
—
me: you shud thank me idiot for the service I am doing to mankind!
Hillarious review…I am yet to see this movie, and after this review I want to see it all the more 🙂
BTW- I am waiting to read your review of Drona.
—
me: wo gaad, ganesha! I am getting requests… ok ma, wait a nimit for 2 days
Thanx for the warning!!
—
me: saving the world before bedtime, one movie a day!
Hehe.. Much as you describe it to be a torture, I am thinking that you did acually enjoy parts of it. Correct thaanae? But after reading this, I am pretty sure I will not watch it. Btw.. do you know when that Surya movie Varanam aiyram is releasing?
—
me: Some parts? well maybe yes… But it was a far greater ordeal to bear the remaining parts. V1K is slated for a diwali release is what I hear
Nee guarantee yaa indha movie ye paathu pudichu ivlo passionate aah review ezhidirke. And too much mention of the bikini man. Avlo vaa avo bikini potinda?
—
me: dekho aur khud bolo… But then I haven’t said that I liked it. Some parts were visually appealing but then in totality it was depressing…
Review: Kidnap – skin skin baby!…
Kidnap is a boring thriller that never manages to capture the attention of the viewer. Even ample skin show and a well executed chase sequence fail to generate any interest….
i like that ” staring at chest ” description….
nice mix of sarcasm with suggestions
keep them going !!!!!
—
me: thnk u ji, he does literally stare at her chest!
humour+sarcasm+ur style!
sooper boss!
drona? dare i put you through that ordeal? (after all u did survive jimmy…)
—
me: wo gaad, I am getting requests! ok ma comin soon…
The skin show probably makes up for all the visual torment. Will dare one watch and I’m sure I’ll survive!
—
me: natty baay, lemme know waht happens!
ROFL, gives the complete picture of how stupid the movie is. I read another review of the movie with a “strongly avoidable” verdict. You have guts to watch such movies 🙂 Can’t believe Imran khan has done such a movie, I was hoping he will choose good ones.
Oh you won’t believe in a scene where he tells Dutt, ‘Mujhe revenge chahiye’.
It seemed like he was buying a pumpkin at the farmers market! I so badly wanted to yell ‘Dus rupiya kilo!’
Your commenting system is very cool. I got a mail saying there is a reply for my comment !
ech- I heard the story line from a friend, and couldn’t believe I wasted 3 minutes of my life.
—
me: It’s far more fun to watch in disbelief!
Why am I now a constipated *pink* star who’s trying to be cool?
Don’t give me the “wavtar” reply. I demand Baba Bangali
A typical Maxdavinci review….Frankly I enjoyed reading this review than the movie….waiting for some more films like these and much more eagerly waiting for the reviews of these here!!
kudos!
—
me: thnx n welcome to this space! There is Drona but then I have a soft spot for Priyanka chopra and Abhishek
Wow dude, you really have too much free time don’t you 😀 Really nice review, gave me a laugh. If only all reviewers wrote like this, their readership would go up hundredfold 🙂
—
me: thnx buddy!