Review: Prince – Brain mapping complete

Yes I know what you’re thinking. With part-2 of our awards ceremony still in the drafts, we’ve churned out another movie review. Well like Ravi Shastri says, “That’s what the doctor ordered” and hence we have to break the sequence. It is movies like this that makes this blog what it is today and our readership(yes the double digits) enjoys this brand of cinema. Pure unadulterated fun is what they promise, while being unintentionally funny and that also explains the awards ceremony we run each year in their honor. Despite having a heavily packed weekend, with sore limbs due to back to back cricket games, IPL tamasha, working out strategies for the fantasy team and improving my ground shots in tennis we had a stop-press moment. When we learnt that our local multiplexwallah managed to get prints for Prince-It’s Showtime we just had to squeeze 3hrs and go watch it. It may have resulted in sleeping a total of 8hrs in two days together but it was worth every wink lost. For those of you wondering why in Ganesha’s name would anyone forgo food and sleep for a movie. Well it’s not just any movie but a Vivek Oberoi movie, enough said!

Let’s play a game where in you’re an out-of-work actor and a rookie director approaches you with a script.  No matter how mind blowing the narrative is, the name Kookie Gulati must definitely set your spidey senses into a tizz. That is however not the case if your name is Vivek Oberoi because you’ve already lost your
to a buck-hunter
lost your mojo to a buck-hunter in public. It is almost impossible to write about the movie, without giving any spoilers away and despite our best efforts we couldn’t resist. Taglines for movies have now become a mandatory trend, and that gives lazy farts to uses taglines like “Its Showtime” for even oddly named action heists like ‘Prince’. Last heard Shammi Kapoor fans were found tearing the posters because they expected to see a digitally mastered version of ‘Muqabla Humse na Karo‘, only to find a heavily tattooed version of Nandana Sen squaring off against a newcomer with high-tech weapons. A special mention for Ms.Sen though, because Dr.Amartya Sen’s biggest achievement is not the Nobel but fathering this voluptuous beauty. Vivek Oberoi has the easiest role, his lack of acting prowess is shielded by the repeated head-holding and falling-on-ground sequences that remind us of what a brilliant actor the BigB was in Majboor.

The movie opens with a shot of the heavily secure swanky multi-storey headquarters of the Diamond Corporation of India(DCOI), which has more gadgetry and security systems than the FBI and CIA put together. Let us put behind us that there are such establishments in the country and also the fact that they offer free tours of their security systems to every dork disguised as a sardar. He then suits up in the gayest leather available and hides in the air-ducts, not before uttering the 2nd best line of the movie, “I’m in and it’s time
to win
I’m in and it’s time to win“. After having navigated laser beams, fingerprint mechanisms he uses a laser pen to cut through a window, which in the previous scene was described to be strong enough to resist a powerful bomb blast. That’s not it, for there’s a giant vacuum cleaner that doubles as a periscope and reaches the top floor window from a van outside. You’d assume that he’d just bag the diamonds and then drop them into the van, but in what is the flavor of the season they are vacuumed into the van from the top floor of a multi-storey building. Just so that you can estimate the height of the building, in the very next scene while being chased by the guards, Prince base-jumps of the building and pulls the ripcord of his parachute to land safely on the van. If you’re reading this with your mouth wide open, then hold on to that expression for a while. This was only the opening sequence before the titles take over and Atif Aslam wakes you up from the CGI-induced slumber. “Oh mere khuda” indeed, but only for making such a movie with the craziest indipop album type music video.

This post is already nearing the average word-count but we haven’t even gone near the most interesting parts yet. Prince suddenly wakes up with a bullet lodged in his arm, unable to remember a thing and the only thing worse than his lame expressions is lines like “main kaun hoon, main kahan hoon”. These lines were last heard in a cheesy Pepsi commercial featuring Sachin and movies in the 70s, but prince brings back all those memories and you have new found respect for the era. Prince is now sought after by the CBI and two white collar dons for he posses information about “The coin”. At this point we’re told that “The Coin” was forged in ancient Lanka and it has magical powers because people believe that the coin “Raavan ke rakht se bana hainRaavan ke rakht se bana hain“. So if you’re wondering how Jason Bourne finds the coin and takes it to Mordor to destroy it, then you’re in for a pleasant surprise. Turns out that there are three women vying for his attention claiming to be romantically involved, each with an even interesting back story. What is even more interesting is that each of them is named Maya and has an ulterior motive with the coin in question. Maya-1 sizzles in a club song and we’re told that she is a phony but poor Prince is still smelling her tonsils unaware of this fact. Maya-2 makes an entry with a story of how they are both undercover CBI officers, and their assignment is to nab Sauron Sarang red-handed while handing over the priceless stolen coin. Even this story can be safely ignored along with the unfunny lines of the butler that seem like slapping you in the face till you fake a smile. We were later told that he was the actual dialog writer doing a cameo in the movie, how we wish his death in the climax was for real. But this time again we are are proved correct for Maya-2 is far more sinister than her heavily tattooed yet curvaceous body, only after Prince has taken his tongue out of her throat.

You can easily see the double-cross coming as Maya-2 plants a gun on Vivek’s forehead, but nothing can prepare you for iron-fist. Yes turns out that Sauron Sarang is the love-child of the Terminator T-800 and a bollywood extra. That is the only rational explanation anyone can ever give for his metal fingers. The ensuing fight brings in Maya-3 who has a kickass introduction scene where she rains bullets from machine guns strapped to a hand-glider! This is again followed by yet another song that involves bikinis, bikes and some more jhingjhak music. A note to all CBZ/Karizma lovers who are mostly fans of Vivek Oberoi as well, doing a wheelie while tasting last night’s chicken curry in a girls mouth isn’t probably the best idea and you may want to keep an eye on the road as well. Maya-3 presents us with a killer back story where in, she and Prince collude with the CBI to stage the funkiest robbery ever known to Chetan Bhagat fans. A hologram of two idiots smooching on a bridge is enough reason for a convoy to leave the vehicle they were guarding, while a remote controlled car explodes beneath it to topple the armored vehicle into the water below. Taking cue from Uncle Pai’s science experiments, they cut through the the bullet-proof metal like cardboard underwater.

Nothing in the world prepares you for what happens next, and I kid you not when I say this. Turns out the coin is a facade for carrying a embedded chip developed by the country’s top nanotechnologists, and it enables downloading the entire contents of the human braindownloading the entire contents of the human brain only to replicate them and upload them into another. Prince is strapped to a chair and his brain is mapped using the chip, the progress of which seems to go faster than what it takes winrar to install on a machine. What about those email forwards that tell you that the human brain can store  terabytes worth of data, were they lying of is Prince pulling a fast one on you? I found it weird at first but then realized that if you’ve signed a movie like this then surely you only have enough grey matter than can be downloaded under two-minutes. That explains how they did an F-Disk on him and the so-called seizures he gets. The reason I use computer jargon here is because, it is the closest to equating system-crashes and reboots to his brain trying multiple unsuccessful auto-restores. So apart from having a Tony Stark like lair with leather suits, wrist contraptions that shoot mini-harpoons, Prince also has to retrieve the coin in order to barter his brain-mappings. More unintentional comedy ensues with bondesque chases, gunfights and CGI-porn before he finally finds the coin everyone is after. This is where Maya-1 gets bumped off  not before the best line the movie is used, “maine uske aankhon mein laalach ka virus scan kar liya tha”. An absurd climax sees Maya-3 decimate Maya-2,  while Jason Bourne and Sauron/T-800 engage in a duel on an overturned vehicle going downstream. For a moment you can hear Obe-Van Kenobi squeal to Anakin how he was the chosen one, but this just meanders into a humongous waterfall. Prince rips apart the iron-fist and uses his mini-harpoon to cling onto a nearby chopper, leaving Sarang to fall to his fate. The end credits show Sarang surviving the fall and fatally wounded yet not dead, thus spawning the possibility of a sequel.

I know by now nobody even cares but it’s time to pick up the shattered pieces of our brains around the chair. Since a review warrants a rating, let’s go with 3/10 with a extra star solely for Ms.Sen.

(Image Courtesy: Indiaglitz)