Supremely sublime movies of 2008 – Part 1

It’s that time of the year when we look back and thank god
surviving a
horrendous year
thank god for surviving a horrendous year and pray for the strength to endure the coming 360 days. Now before you mistake me and sentence me to the gallows, let me make myself clear. This post is about the disastrous movies that came out last year and we do a roll call to freshen our memories so that we can avert being witness to such catastrophes this coming year. This list has been compiled on personal viewing preference and have not been influenced by anyone. I must also add that one should not get judgmental about us on knowing our tastes in cinema. We at Dappan Koothu love Indian cinema be it good or bad and this holds true for the three major movie industries. Even bad movies need some sort of appreciation for irrespective of their fate at the box office they generate employment for millions. We therefore treat every movie with the due credit that it deserves and this is based solely on merit. With this we kick of in no particular order our list of the most disastrous Hindi movies of 2008

Love story 2050
In what was touted to be a clash of debutantes on the 4th of July ended in a damp squib. While Jaane Tu broke records with a mammoth opening, Love Story was taken of screens following the opening weekend. If you felt that the first half itself was cringe worthy then wait till you hear how the second half came to be. Our sources tell us that apart from the script, toddler’s coloring books were also used while writing the screenplay. It is however interesting to note that despite all this, I clearly remember Priyanka Chopra stating in an interview that it was a great film and would be counted amongst the most memorable movies of the year. Well she managed to get the second part of it right as this movie will be remembered for the years to come, for the wrong reasons of course. For all the hype that was generated behind the movie they could have well landed an alien ship in Mumbai for all you know. Almost everyone waited with bated breath to see what this so-called breakthrough in the field of special effects and sci-fi had to offer. What we got in return was a movie that made many cry in pain. We are not referring to a red haired Priyanka Chopra nor as we talking about her talking teddy. The only sci-fi in this dud turned out to be Harman Baweja himself. We are still reeling from the fact that they managed to clone Hrithik Roshan and got away with it without being caught. He looked as lost as a toddler in a bikini bar while the tacky sets, cartoonish special effects and disastrous plot didn’t help either.

A grumpy looking Abhishek Bachchan with a stubble, a kohl eyed martial arts expert bodyguard Priyanka Chopra, a horse and loads of cash! That was all that director Goldie Behl made sure he had before he made the movie. This can be a spot-the-missing type of question in any children’s quiz, but even they will get the answer in 10 seconds flat. Its surprising how one could forget the plot while making such an extravaganza considered to be one of the most expensive movies of the year. Another tacky adventure film that failed to please even three year olds which was slightly better than Ajooba but not better than Hatim Tai. Though Drona was bigger than Jeetendra’s Hatim Tai in terms of budget and the effects were much better, the latter had a proper storyline and some comic relief by Satish Shah. Kay Kay was hardly convincing as the evil sorcerer and failed to instill any fear when compared to the thunderous presence of Amrish Puri. The clothes and styling were a fashion disaster and the best moments of the movie were in the trailer and nothing beyond that. As everyone rushed out of the multiplexes to thrash it, read what we had to say about it here.

Along came Himesh, now I apologize if it sounds like a famous movie but I couldn’t resist. A lot of questions could be asked like what were people like Urmila Matondkar, Satish Kaushik thinking when they decided to be part of this venture. It is also baffling to notice how Gulshan Grover agreed to play dumb with a robotic arm or how Danny Denzongpa accepted the cliched role of mouthing movie names for dialogs. We generally never have any high regards for remakes but in this case no matter how hard we try to be soft we still can’t refrain from being caustic. If you try to overlook the atrocious lyrics and the hair extensions you are caught by the loud jarring music that fails miserably. We are not trying to look for logic but hte movie is a monumental insult to intelligence and patience. Sincere request to Himesh, stick to doing whatever you do best for a living and in this case it’s judging reality shows! Dialogs likeΒ  ‘Bolo Kamini bolo bolo bolo‘ don’t really help, if you know what we mean! Read our experiences here.

Seems like a year for disastrous debuts and this time Mimoh Chakraborty, the heir of all prabhuji’s c-grade movies. They say that he danced well but then that’s like saying that the sugar was just right in a burnt apple pie. Spurned by a terrible plot, poor acting and so badly made that you have to see to believe it. It’s a movie that everyone would wish that it wasn’t ever made and you would wish that you hadn’t seen! Mimoh very shamelessly exhibits his lack of talent and yet again proves that talent isn’t hereditary. We were so badly expecting a special guest appearance by the great Mithunda, only to be disappointed and remain content with the appalling screen presence of his son. Anand Raj Anand was the guy who scored the music for ‘Kaante‘ and these days other than judging reality shows he composes music for such films as well. Talk about being out of work and out of touch! Read what we felt when we had the privilege to watch it.

If our memory serves us right, then a lot of Subhash Ghai’s films have featured evil extended family members while the protagonist possesses a heart of gold and ties to bind the family towards the end. Yuvraaj is yet another moral science lesson where the ‘bhola‘ big brother makes his siblings realize that blood runs thicker and the collectively fight their evil uncle’s stake to claim the family wealth. This film will be remembered for ending Katrina Kaif’s successful streak at the box office and last heard she was trying to track Mr.Ghai down. when you have dialogs like ‘Woh hardcore anti-family man hai‘ and ‘Kyun, bhloe aadmiyoon ki shaadi nahi hoti kya?‘ you know that the film is heading only one way, and that’s downward. A musical farce where a couple of A.R.Rahmans fantastic tunes were wasted should be enough reason for the Showman to retire.

We’d be damned if this one wasn’t picked up by our radar and this is one movie you have to see to believe. On paper it claims to have Ajay Devgan, Sanjay Dutt and Manisha Koirala on board, but we doubt if even one of them read the script before confirming participation in this horrible mess. The plot is a mangled mess that could take one hours to decipher after you’ve finished watching and you’d wake up the next morning without knowing what hit you. We shall dare not venture into the dialogs for it could cause riots. How else would you explain a movie where a woman seeks solace and falls for a man unaware of the fact that it was his brother she was married to, who treated her badly and ditched her. We were under the impression that Ms.Koirala had been deported back to Nepal, guess we were wrong. If it’s tough to read this then imagine the plight of those who watched it.

Mission Istanbul
A title that would remind you of a Tom Cruise trilogy, but the exciting part ends there. When you have Vivek Oberoi as a Turkish Commando, Shriya Saran and Zayed Khan as journalists, you’re pretty much expecting that at least you don’t fall asleep. Not so fast, you have the Bollywood version of Tomorrow Never Dies featuring Al Johara a news agency that reports terror stories. Just likes gelling up the mane of a mule doesn’t make it a horse, shooting a b-grade movie in Istanbul doesn’t make it an a-grade flick. With pathetic direction, cringe worthy performances and a lousy screenplay you are left with a magnifying glass to look for positives. It is however not sure if even the director could relate to what was going on screen with some over the top brand endorsements. Our thoughts on the movie.

Mere Baap Pehle Aap
Another of Priyadarshan’s mindless fares that were passed of under the pretext of comedies. There would have been a fatwa issued against his name if it hadn’t been for the brilliant ‘Kancheevaram‘. A huge disappointment with some big names being wasted and lampooned in a desperate effort of tickle some laughs. It was sad to see seasoned actors like Om Puri and Paresh Rawal pathetically try to look young and chase young women. Repeating old hackneyed gags fail to evoke any laughter and the three hour ordeal is best described as an uninspiring skull crusher. The plot is silly, wafer thin and the movie is technically weak while the actors look bored and uninterested.

PS: Owing to the length of this post, I’m splitting it into two parts. Part-2 is up here.

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