Supremely Sublime Movies of 2011

There may not have been too many posts on the blog this year but that doesn’t mean that there haven’t been any bad movies this year. While other blogs/sites are compiling their lists of the best of the year, I’m here doing what I do best. You are wrong if you think I’m gonna list a few b-graders and get away, this list is for the duds that came out this year with large budgets,
stars &
megalomaniac directors
large budgets, a-list stars & megalomaniac directors. It has not been easy to compile a list given the truckloads of shit that the Hindi movie industry has managed to churn out this year. I wish I could add a few Tamil and Telugu movies to this list, but then we’d be looking at a bottomless pit. In the interest of saving my fingers from being worn out typing furiously, this post covers only the Hindi releases of 2011. I’m not gonna rank any of these and you may find a few exclusions as well. However if you wish to add any, feel free to use the comments section. I was once asked as to why I do this, well someone has to do the dirty work and even bad movies need some recognition. Grab a bag of chips before you read further, as this is gonna be a long one.

Yamla Pagala Deewana: Any movie featuring a Deol(except Abhay) automatically makes it to this list. YPD is like Diwali, Eid and Christmas falling on the same day as the three Deols take Balle Balle comedy way too far. While their previous venture Apne was unintentionally funny, YPD is caught between inside jokes, slapstick situations and a so-called family being united after 30 years.Blame it on my low bhatinda-ness quotient that I failed to find it even remotely funny, but in that case this movie shouldn’t have made it to a screen outside punjab. Bad acting, crass and unfunny lines, forced tears and plenty of daaru & chicken kababs. If you find any of those to your liking then you’ll surely disagree.

Patiala House: Akshay Kumar probably thinks he is adored in UK & Canada. How else do you explain this sad excuse for a movie torn between racism and cricket. At first you think this is another one such movie where a bunch of bald white men beat up desis at the drop of a turban. Later you see someone trying to break into the English cricket team.  Cliched lines, anti-gora sentiments, disillusioned NRI’s and amidst all that Aksha Kumar doing a bad Sreesanth impersonation. Nikhil Advani continues to disappoint yet somehow manages to work with some of the biggest names in the industry. Let us forget the ease with which Akshay gets into the English team, wrecks havoc in the international scene, fails badly in the final game owing to depression and then miraculously rips through wickets the moment he spots his father in the stadium. Ignore this & the racism piece, you’ll have a very nice 25min movie!

Thank You: Haha another Akshay Kumar film, would you believe if I told you I actually like him and have watched every movie of his.  Three happily married womanizers are brought on track by a detective hired by their wives. Now where have you heard this before, pretty original ain’t it? How I wish it ended there, instead you have oodles of sentiment throw in the mix with one of the couples breaking up. The guy takes to drinking, the girl is about to get married, more tears, more senti songs and Akshay Kumar gets shot in the last scene. Unfortunately it doesn’t end even there, Akshay has a flashback involving a dead wife who took her own life suspecting her husband having an affair. Even a Malaika Arora item song fails to invoke any interest because the cacophonous music by Pritam kills your senses.

Haunted-3D: India’s first stereoscopic 3D film, hahahahaha whatay joke! Mahakshay Chakraborty as a hero, well we shall try not to laugh for that. Had they made a simple ramsay movie in 3D, it would have still been watchable. Vikram bhatt had other plans however, here we have a rapist who after getting killed, comes back as a ghost to continue the act. There’s more of this drivel when the victim commits suicide, the rapist ghost now goes after the victim ghost! Mimoh travels back in time to 1936 to stop the events and travels back to ensure the mansion is ghost-free. Watching all those wooden expressions in 3D is something I missed, but I bet they’d be worth the price of admission.

Ready: Don’t tell me how many millions the movie made, it is still a piece of shit even if Salman Khan manages to pull a string of pearls from his rear! A somewhat funny Telugu film is remade in Hindi and the parts that were the funniest are replaced with slapstick sequences. The seemingly witty lines are lost in translation and the movie is placed abroad for no reason. I wish there was a hat that zapped anees bazmee with electrical shocks, every  time he came up with a chaddi joke or kids peeing on the faces of adults. I was surprised with how each and every joke made me groan, even school kids can come up with atleast one original joke that can make you smile. If that’s not it you have pritams music to give you a brainfreeze, he is so much better when he steals tunes.

Double Dhamaal: They could have shot the Jalebi Bai portion as a music video, released it in theatres and still would have been able to charge people half the ticket price to see it on the big screen. Instead they yanked javed Jaffery from the sets of boogie woogie and made him mouth some of the most horrible lines of the year. Dhamaal was bad, yet they made a sequel that makes rolling in the sewers a better way to spend 130mins. The template is pretty simple, foreign locales, cheap mimicry, taking potshots at other films, and item song and a gora villain. Whats worse is that, in the last scene the actors break the fourth wall to proclaim there will be a third installment!

Murder 2: I hope the Bhatts sell tickets to get a peek at their DVD collection, for I’ll be fist in line to prostrate at the temple of piracy! It’s come to a point where you no longer care to find out which movie they’ve ripped off this time. You have the standard bhatt set-pieces like steamy scenes, psychopath killers, good music and hotties for emraan hashmi to smooch. In most crime thrillers they atleast keep the identity of the killer hidden till the last reel, here you know that half way into the movie and are just waiting for the climax scene. I watched it for the music and the premise that involved a lot of steamy scenes, but when a killer wears make-up & castrates himself, you know its time to leave the cinema hall!

Aarakshan: How can a prakash jha movie starring Amitabh Bachchan make it to this list? It can if the second half of he movie has no co-relation to the first half and treads on a entirely different premise. While the first half is mildly gripping and briefly explores the caste divides that threaten the education system, the second half is a battle between two coaching classes. Casting Deepika Padukone & Saif Ali Khan in roles that require some degree of acting doesn’t help either. Neither of the two get to shed their clothes and thus taking away their single biggest selling point. The movie just drags with over-the-top acting, cliched lines and you seem to be bound to your seat until the moment hema malini appears and delivers a ‘All your base belong to us’ tirade.

Not a Love Story: It pains to put a RGV movie on this list, I’ve always felt I was one of the few who got his movies and the train of thought behind them. Riding on the popularity of a murder case, the movie was made withing 20 days and shot at the very same building where the heinous crime was committed. With a one-line plot you’d expect the story buildup, tight screen play and some well shot scenes to keep it afloat. Sadly none of that happens and all you have is the camera flirting with the thighs of Mahie Gill & peeking into her inner wear. It is time we pray that RGV keeps away from shaky camera stunts and makes movies that have atleast a one-page plot.

Mausam: Shahid Kapur is an IAF pilot, there that one sentence should be enough to drive you away. You see the movie is set during a time where there are not phonelines or even a postal system. How else do you explain the following. Boy meet girl at a friends wedding, next morning the girl leaves for kashmir & the dejected boy joins the IAF. Years later they again meet in scotland, but before the can exchange any contact info the boy leaves for a mission and the girl is left to cry this time. They finally meet in Ahemadabad during the riots where the boy with a paralyzed arm rescues a boy who they later adopt after getting married! Devoid of any logic whatsoever, this movie is long painful and the scenes where one yearns for the other will make you slit your wrists.

Rascals: David Dhawan has been reduced to a sorry shadow of his glorious days in the 90s. Things don’t look good the moment you name your lead characters Chetan & Bhagat so that you can run a few jokes using the popularity of a so-called author. The comedy was crude & harsh even by my standards and included starving orphans, handicapped people and blind-man jokes. The gags were not only boring, but were were picked from email forwards that stopped circulating since 1999. Taking potshots at Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s movies and ample skin show by the ladies still cannot salvage this sinking ship. Someone told me the movie was a desi version of dirty rotten scoundrels, had they stuck to it and made a scene-by-scene remake, it would have been a fun ride. Sadly we have to add bollywood masala and tadka to ruin everything.

Ra.One: The most expensive hindi film ever made backed by a media jamboree that involved some of the worst possible ways to promote a movie, had failure written all over it. SRK speaking weirdly accented hindi at a gaming conference full of foreign speakers, eating spaghetti with yoghurt because that’s what tamilians do! Chinese fighters named iskilee, uskilee & sabkilee are supposed to be funny, so is the scene with a security guard getting excited to see SRK’s pierced nipples. Then you have a widow who flirts with a cyborg that reminds her of her dead husband, in a very decently clad in a transparent red saree. Oh did I mention the whole premise of a movie revolves around a game character coming to life to kill a 12yr old who is unbeatable in the game?

Desi Boyz: Poor Akshay Kumar, I swear I didn’t mean to pick on him but it has been a torrid year for him. He took off his clothes along with John Abraham hoping the audiences would identify their real USP and forget that this is a movie not a calendar photoshoot. They even got Chitrangadha Singh and Deepika Padukone to smoulder on the screen but there is only so much skin you can show before people ask you for a plot and other movie ingredients. Lines laden with double entendre, gay jokes, professors who strip and a court scene where an escort hands over his card to a female judge making her squeal in joy, yes this is the kind of stuff that will land a movie in this list.

Rockstar: The pyaasa of this generation somebody said, no director has ever done justice to AR Rahmans tunes before another squealed. While I don’t hate ARRtards as they are affectionately called, I most certainly have a problem wen people seem to ignore the loose plot and retarded screenplay hiding behind an awesome soundtrack. The plot has more holes than a busy road dug up for metro/flyover work, Ranbir maintains a constipated look throughout the movie and yells in anger at the drop of a hat. Somewhere along the side you also have a dying girl whom the whole movie seems to revolve around.

Feel free to disagree and add your own, but this is my list of stinkers for the year 2011.

(Images Courtesy: glamsham)