The 2009 Dandanakka Awards – Part 2

Someone once said, with great power comes great responsibility, we say with great
comes even
greater expectation
with great traffic comes even greater expectation. We left our previous post in the air with the promise to come back with more and the hits have been flowing ever since. Thanks to the kind hearted folks at DP who linked to us, a lot of you have been waiting for part two. We’ve racked our brains to come up with something readable but like all sequels this may not match up to the previous one. We were contemplating a lifetime achievement award but then it seemed a misnomer considering the fact that these are not quite achievements,a also that it would be very difficult to shortlist nominees! We’ve watched every one of these movies that have been nominated and are proud of our feats and hope to repeat it in the coming years. This years flop-fest has already begun, while we are yet in the first quarter and it looks a lot promising. We hope you like these awards and any feedback is appreciated.

Unsupportingly supporting actor – Male

Om PuriBoman Irani – Love Story 2050
Anil Kapoor – Race
Amitabh Bachchan – Bhoothnath
Om Puri – Mere Baap Pehle Aap
Halla Bol – Pankaj Kapur
The award goes to: Generally all men other than the male lead are reduced to bufoonery and also-rans, very few step up tot he plate in an author backed role and deliver a stand-out performance. What we really mean is that their performances are so pathetic that you are zonked and the main lead begins to seem a lot less torturous. Boman Irani as a bumbling scientist was so horrifying in his Einstein parody that he managed to draw our attention from hating Hrithik to sign LoveStory 2050, wait a minute wasn’t that Harman? We’re glad Anil Kapoor did SDM, for now he can traumatize American TV audiences or atleast star in a revival of Star Wars as Chewbacca, but playing a horny fruit loving detective is way more traumatizing. The BigB ought to stop doing films for production houses on sentimental values, his undead avtaar was so painful that halfway through the movie we were praying for his son to return so that he could attain moksha and spare us the terror! When a seasoned actor like Pankaj Kapur is reduced to a vigilante-turned-nautanki doing streetplays you begin to cringe, however you realise it was his own doing to sign a film that had Ajay Devgan in it of all the people! The award however goes to Om Puri for his atrocious potrayal of a thargi buddha whose jawani ka candle refuses to go out thereby making him hit upon college girls old enough to be his daughter.

Unsupportingly supporting actor – Female

Amisha PatelSameera Reddy – Race
Juhi Chawla – Kismet Konnection
Jaya Bachchan – Drona
Vidya Malvade – Kidnap
Amisha Patel – Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic
The award goes to: Ah the women, often caricatured as sisters, mothers or friends of the female lead. Every now and then you see someone in a stellar performance that leaves you in awe. This essentially translates to a uber raunchy item number or someone shrieking till the glass cracks in a jaw-dropping performance. So we have Sameera Reddy as silly milly where all she does is act dumb with a plunging neckline and juggle a few bananas and apples! Juhi Chawla took her astrologer character as ‘haseena bano jaan‘ in Kismet Konnection a bit to serious and went giggling on a tangent that would make any sane man want to slit his wrists. Jaya Bachchan added another achievement to her kitty by playing a stone statue with tears in Drona. Wait, she was stone only in the second half but then you don’t notice the wooden performance at all. Vidya Malvade gave all the soccer moms of the world a huge complex with her deep cleavage and butt hugging suits in Kidnap. The only problem however was that she looked way hotter than her daughter and many at times you’d be confused as to who was playing whom. The award however goes to Amisha Patel for scorching the screen with her silicon valley look in a yellow bikini in Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic. We aren’t the Ram Sene and we’d love to drool over some lazy lamhe in a pool, just that we didn’t expect that in a kids film!

Unplayable screenplay of the year

Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi
Love Story 2050
Mission Istanbul
The award goes to: Well etched characters and great lines is what makes the screenplay memorable. In our case we’re looking at poor characterization and amateurish lines and who better than our elite list. For making the worst superhero movie ever, caricaturing the bad buy, a grumpy looking hero and a hackneyed plot Drona is an easy entrant. When you fail to recognize your husband without a moustache and can even see the almighty but them, it is implied that someone is suffering from serious creative writing deficiency. Time travel is always a dicey proposition and when that is coupled with crazy effects, weird hair, gadgets, talking teddy’s and a debutant it’s a disaster waiting to happen. That is precisely what happened as Love Story 2050 sunk without a trace and along with it the fortunes of the Bawejas. The idea of a news network partnering a terrorist outfit sounds interesting but when it is crippled with patchy lines and illogical sub plots, it finds it’s way here just like Mission Istanbul did. Big names often spring a surprise and this year Subhash Ghai takes the award with the obseletest of screenplays in Yuvraaj. If you still have an iota of doubt then kindly sample the following line, ‘Woh beta nahin hardcore anti-family man hain‘.

Non-existent story of the year

Mere Baap Pehle Aap
Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic
The award goes to: We always maintain that the story is the crux of a film though many like to disagree with us. To get on our list though all you need is to come up with the craziest of plots that is light years away from common sense and logic. Mehbooba is a classic example where a woman seeks solace and falls for a man unaware of the fact that it was his brother she was married to, who treated her badly and ditched her. Mere Baap Pehle Aap isn’t far away where two old men cavort after college girls and a son tries to get his father married so that his route gets cleared. What about Kidnap where a young lad takes revenge for a childhood grudge and holds a man’s daughter captive while she rolls in the sand and stabs him. Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic fared no better with an angel being assigned the duty of a few orphaned kids and then falling in love with their guardian. The kicker however and the eventual winner was Race where everyone was allowed to double cross each other, brothers put a price on the others head and one of them even came back from the dead.

Unbearable actor of the year – Female

Priyanka ChopraPriyanka Chopra – Love Story 2050, Drona, Chamku
Katrina Kaif – Yuvraaj
Mallika Sherawat – Ugly aur Pagli, Maan Gaye Mughal-e-Azam
Isha Koppikar – Ek Vivaah Aisi Bhi
Shriya Saran – Mission Istanbul
The award goes to: All eyes are always fixed on the leading lady and they have to look fantabulous even if they just woke up. Such are the gruelling demands of Indian cinema in addition to dancing, crying at the drop of a hat, emoting beyond normal levels and staying fit. We are huge fans of Katrina Kaif but despite our fascination we just couldn’t look beyond her shortcomings in Yuvraaj, blame then on her lines or maybe it’s just her. Mallika Sherawat decided to keep her clothes on just this once and despite acting drunk and psychotic for half the movie and slapping her boy all the while, she still managed to tumble. The Barjatyas love small town cinema, but Isha Koppikar running her fingers over a harmonium and mouthing lines on culture was a bit too much to tolerate. Southern siren Shriya Saran thought she’d scorch the screens as a dynamic reporter taken hostage in Istanbul, but she only managed to scorch the reels of the film and by snogging Zayed khan, she makes a grand entry! The queen bee however would be Priyanka with three disastrous movies, died in one and came back from the future, almost died in another and why are we even bothered bout the third?

Unbearable actor of the year – Male

HimeshHimesh Reshammiya – Karzz
Salman Khan – God Tussi Great Ho, Yuvraaj
Rahul Bose – Shaurya
Abhishek Bachchan – Drona
Bobby Deol – Chamku
The award goes to: The Indian cinema hero is the epitome of manhood, the macho image, the savior, the upholder of justice, the voice of the downtrodden and messiah to the helpless. Salman Khan sets the bar really high with some unbelievably horrible acting in both films and look totally distraught and bored. Abhishek Bachchan was close behind him with the grumpiest looking superhero avtaar where he was outperformed by a CGI blue petal. Rahul Bose tried every bit to wipe out memories of Tom Cruise from our minds and ensured that we’d shudder even when someone mentions the movie ‘Few Good Men’. Bobby Deol never disappoints and once again did what he’d done over the years, roar and shoot a few hundred people as an undercover vigilante. The top dog and the undisputed champion in this category shall be Himes Bhai for his constipated expressions, horrible wig and the best line of the year ‘Bolo Kamini, Bolo Bolo Bolo…

Most Disgruntled Director of the year

Satish KaushikAjay Devgan – You Me Aur Hum
Subhash Ghai – Yuvraaj
Kunal Kohli – Thoda Pyaar Thoda Magic
Goldie Behl – Drona
Satish Kaushik – Karzz
The award goes to: The director is the captain of the ship and commands the cast and crew to sail in the right direction. A success is attributed to the team but failure enlists the director as the sole culprit. Ajay Devgan attempted to use his home production as his debut venture and failed miserably. The audience were as clueless as the lizard on the wall that kept drawing Kajol’s attention. The showman pulled out a story form his archives and got ARR to score the audio but that nor a flopless Katrina could revive this crappy plot that had hit its expiry date 20yrs ago. An angel coming to answer the prayers of a few orphans may have seemed promising to Kunal Kohli, but some poor lines, bad acting and a boring storyline ensured that the crowds stayed away. Drona was Goldie Behl’s dream project but this heavy on graphics movie lacked almost everything right form a believable superhero to a decent plot. But for having the gall to remake Karz and that to with Himes bhai beats everyone else to the award. It’s like introducing a diamond in a game of rock-paper-scissors which wins hands down.

Most treacherous film of the year

God Tussi Great HoHello
God Tussi Great Ho
The award goes to: Here we come to the last award of the day and the biggest of them all. A film encompasses all the above markers and packages them together. We’ve never read Chetan Bhagat’s book but if this movie was even 10% close to the print version then we’d consider ourselves lucky to have missed the book. Silly stereotypes, silly subplots, tacky sets, out of place lines, Hello had every thing go wrong. Karz was a movie that should never have been made in the first place and most certainly not with Himes bhai. They then took the story and set it in South Africa but still maintain a Kali-ka-mandir apart from other mindless things. If Drona is supposed to be setting a trend then we’d pray that superhero movies not be made at all. It’s a bit confusing when your hero is the scary grumpy guy while your villain is the bufoon. Tashan was a movie so silly that some actually began enjoying it. A stylish bhojpuri movie being sold as an A-grade Hindi movie was hard to digest though. The pick of the lot would be God Tussi Great Ho for the worst ever adaption ever possible. Even if they’d made the original frame-to-frame it’d be watchable. Instead they add terrorists, an office rivalry and other subplots.

PS: We hope you enjoyed these awards as much as we did bringing them to you!