Ah late coming but latest coming. Just when you thought that we had forgotten, we come back with what is our highest traffic generating post each year. Having watched close to 70 films last year and being a avid follower of bollywood, we bring you the 4th Annual Dandanakka Awards. Owing to the success of our most popular post last year, we’re back to doing another for this year. Celebrating ineptitude in cinema is how we like to label it, but then it is an arduous task to match these duds alongside each other. The regular awards season is filled with red carpets, wardrobe malfunctions, made-up speeches, fashion disasters, and trophys-for-cash. Contrary to popular belief this list isn’t about the B-graders that run in single screens or the sleazy snore-fests that are aimed to titillate the front benches in Jaunpur. This one salutes the big A-listers that come crashing to the weight of their heavy budgets and over hyped promos. Now it’s not often that you see people recognizing the efforts of filmmakers who see their efforts and hours of idiocy turn out to be duds at the box office. While there are other ceremonies that commemorate the best movies of the year, we to the opposite way and look at duds that were smothered on the weekend they released and are now forgotten. There were close to 200 Hindi movies that released in 2009 with only 11-12% passing the litmus test on release day, so that probably gives you an idea of what we’re looking at. We compiled a list of duds early this year as a precursor, and now for the real deal.
Easily forgettable debut of the year – Male
*Jacky Bhagnani – Kal Kissne Dekha
Rannvijay Singh – London Dreams
Abhijeet Sawant – Lottery
Parzan Dastur – Sikandar
The award goes to: We like to start with the newest entrants into filmdom. The leading men of tomorrow for whom teens will suffer severe bouts of hysteria. The men Archies and Hallmark will make a killing by selling posters of but instead will be seen gracing this space in the years to come. A lot of you may remember the cute little Sardar kid counting stars in KKHH, but unfortunately Parzan Dastur learnt that there is more to acting than just counting stars in Sikandar. Who doesn’t know Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant, but do you also know that the singing talent was a participant on reality dance show Nach Baliye before going a step further and showing us his non-existent acting chops in Lottery? Rannvijay Singh is a stud on the small screen alright and the only reason that the show MTV Roadies is watchable, but peddling drugs in London Dreams isn’t quite the best way to make a debut. You can’t beat Jacky Bhagnani who can see the future, solve complex physics equations, sniff bombs and still manage time to romance the college hottie!
Easily forgettable debut of the year – Female
The award goes to: After the boys, it’s time to take a look at the divas who will grace Tollywood for that is where Bollywood discards often head to. The ill-fated have to go north or star in television, commercials and photoshoots. Being related to the great Manmohan Desai isn’t enough and you need more than that if you want to survive the industry, a lesson Vaishali Desai learnt the hard way. Giselle Monteiro might have fooled us all into believing she was a shy punjabi kudi, but then to her credit the role required no talking and just looking coy. Born to extremely talented actors, you’d expect Shruti Haasan to breeze her way through the industry, but this pretty lass doesn’t seem to have the needed luck. There was another import and this one was from the south, but the fate was pretty much the same for Sri Lankan beauty Jacqueline Fernandez and even Aladin’s lamp couldn’t help her cause.
Most painful lyrics of the year
The award goes to: If a song becomes a chart buster, it generally has some very well penned lyrics. The converse isn’t always true yet every year the bar is dropped further as you get to hear shockers. If listening to it being played in every wedding scene wasn’t enough, this year we were treated to a hip-hop version of ‘Main to jantar se hi darta hu, Bas pyaar ka mantar karta hu, om mangalam mangalam’. Not sure if that was more torturous or telling a girl that her parents have opined she love you in, ‘Your mama says you Love Me Papa says you Love Me, O Love Me baby Love Me’. Well I would still take a pass on that one but when Himesh brings you atrocious stuff like, ‘Station Koyi Naya Tune Kar Le zara, FullTu Attitude De De Tu zara’ you can’t help but notice. The kicker however belongs to Kylie Minogue who wants to ‘I wanna chiggy-wiggy with you boy I wanna chiggy-wiggy with you baby’ and that is interspersed with some punjabi balle balle. In the end you have a horrible cocktail, much like mixing payasam with rum or even worse.
Ear splitting music of the year
The award goes to: Whenever you have a blockbuster album ringing the cash counters, it most certainly translates to a huge opening for the movie. You also have albums have make you cringe and ask for a refund from the music store, and this list rounds them up. The nasal crooner may have gone under the knife and sing in dual voices, but that doesn’t mean the couldn’t deliver a bland soundtrack. You could say it was so bland that it made a bowl of cerelac seem like tangy samosa chat. We feel that Pritam saves his best for his favorite filmmakers like the Bhatts, how else do you explain an album like Tum Mile for them and the loud De Dhana Dhan for Priyadarshan? Just because SEL are the top composers in the country, doesn’t always mean that they churn out the best of albums. Shortkut was a hash of all discarded tunes put together and a sorry excuse for an album. When you speak of loud jarring music the team that wins it twice in succession are the terrible duo of Sajid-Wajid. Not sure if it is their choice of singers, gawdy loops or atrocious lyrics but they somehow manage to bring out the worst!
Most bakwas song of the year
The award goes to: I recently learnt that when a song is stuck in your head, the proper term to use is earworm. When a song is repeatedly played on every radio station and makes your ears bleed owing to an overdose, it makes an appearance here. Ajab Prem ki may have been a grosser but that gave them the freedom to play the Prem ki Naiyya on loop over the air. Neeraj Shridhar has never been more irritating than this except when Kailash Kher crooned to S.I.D.H.U hitting the octaves. Now we don’t like being taught how to spell every now and then, especially when it is the same word. Pritam is at it again because Baarish kar Doon sounded like a greedy baniya seeking alms outside a temple, and all you hear is paisa paisa paisa. Whoever said SEL wasn’t capable of dishing out trash has probably eaten two pairs of shoes by now. Just because Mann ko ati bhave was made for Salman Khan, doesn’t mean it had to have eunuch-like sounding backup vocalists. The one that took the cake was the highly irritating Shukran Allah which had almost everything wrong right form the lyrics, setting, actors and tune. The radio overkill just adds to the fact that a mental image of a size-zero kareena pops up in your head every time you listen to it!
I can see past/present award
The award goes to: This year we institute a new award for those movies that push the limits of logic while still staying in the real world and not treading the path of fantasy. If you made a mythological and told us that a particular character could see the future, we’d take it happily. When actors with paranormal abilities are paraded as everyday stories, we definitely have a problem. We however chose not to diss them but commemorate them with a category of their own. Agyaat told us that there was this huge savage in the forest that lived under the surface, was stronger than a boulder while not being alien or human. Tey then spank you in the face and force you to watch part-2 if you want to find out what or who it really was. Kal Kisse dekha had the young stud who not only was an ace sportsman, top student, physics whiz, good Samaritan but could all see the future, yes even we laughed at that point! Aa dekhe Zara tried using some logic, and made us believe that a camera not human could tell you how a particular person/thing will look like on a given date. They got past the superhuman abilities, but it was still lame. Akshay Kumar took the inanimate objects telling past/present logic to a higher level in 8X10 Tasveer when he became the polaroid time traveler. Lets just hope you don’t have a knife to your wrists.
Animals in meaningful roles award
The award goes to: Over a period of time we have noticed that animals deliver better performances than the main leads. They come in give the shot, take a snack and are out, no hassles, no egos, no fruit juice, no pushy moms and no need for make-up vans! Now Agyaat makes it to this list by default for we aren’t sure if the predator-type-thing was human or alien, hence it shall be counted for the actor category as well. When a dog has a proper name and treated like a member of the family, you are surely in for trouble. SO much that Akshay Kumar kidnaps Moolchandji in De Dhan Dhan for ransom only for the mongrel to create havoc in the kitchen. Splendid performance by the mutt to stay in character despite the ensuing ruckus and Archana Puran Singh screaming her lungs out. We heard rumors that PETA had taken a march against Akshay Kumar who got frisky with a shark in Blue. The poor mammal was cornered in the net and tried its best to escape his lecherous advances, only to have been maathey-pe-kalankofied by the end of the scene. What in Ganesha’s name is with Akshay and animals? The weirdest piece of news comes from the stables of the Bombay Race Course where a few horses were chosen to do a scene with Shahid Kapur in Kaminey. We are told that despite the raw energy exuded by shahid’s bare torso, the stallions resisted his mating tendencies and held character to complete the scene in one shot. To extract such an immaculate performance, Shahid was blinded on the sides thereby reducing the chances of him getting turned on.
PS: Owing to the length of this post and the big awards that follow this post is split into two parts. Let us know if you liked this one, part two is up here!