We’ve got to admit that the IPL is killing every one, it’s not just the excitement in the grounds, but also of it with sleaze and scandals that even rocked the parliament. The killer however is the fantasy league I run, which has been draining me. Keeping track of player form, injuries, predicting performance and batting orders and also betting on a player you decide to trump! Oh it’s work alright, especially when you have others pwning you and making it seem like Prince that we thoroughly enjoyed. Now that the IPL is done and we have a breather before the T20 world cup resumes, it is high time we kept our end of the bargain and finished this list. We received comments and tweets on our previous post asking for a tamil version of the awards, though we’d love to do so yet we feel that it may come as an overdose. Next year however we shall definitely pay respects to the worst of the south in true DappanKoothu style.
Unsportive movie of the year
Dil Bole Hadippa
The award goes to: The IPL overkill while forcing us to take a mini-sabbatical, also got our grey cells working. Last year saw quite a few movie titles set against a formulaic backdrop with a remote connection to a sport. We had Luck where they paid a bunch of idiots to cheat death(atleast that’s what they were told) and do crazy ass shit like jumping of a plane, swimming with sharks etc. Since they told us that human betting was a sport, it makes them a default entry to our ceremony. Then comes Blue where apart from getting frisky with sharks, they also get on wave runners and circle around women in bikinis. Now I’ve done both, well not the bikini part and hence can vouch for the sport part of it! Dil Bole Hadippa was probably the worst ever adaptation of a girl-playing-in-a-boys-team movie. If the fake Harbhajan look does get your bile juices churning, then the morality speech at the very end will surely make you throw up! The winner however is Victory, which for starters has loser boy Harman Baweja. In addition to the horrendous batting strike rates, cliched scenes of drugs and booze, you also get to see our famed cricketers exhibit their nonexistent acting chops. Did I mention that Brett Lee gets walloped and Murali is cantered around the park?
Unsupportingly supportive actor – Male
The Forest – Agyaat
Aftab Shivdasani – Kambakht Ishq
Mithunda – Chandni Chowk to China
Nana Patekar – Ek
The award goes to: While the lead actors hog the spotlight, the support cast are always short changed. For they are equally responsible in being the ingredients of a disaster soup. Imagine what we would have done if not for the forest in Agyaat, having a predator-like-thing hiding behind dark alleys and killing people would seem really foolish. Not that the movie would have made any sense in a different setting, but they director atleast seemed to imply that the forest was alive. Aftab Shivdasani was never really known for his acting barring that toothpaste-ad smile of his, but getting mauled by a wife who moonlights as a bikini model is sacrilege! He may have been casted opposite Amrita Arora numerous times, but plying second fiddle to khiladi Kumar guarantees instant entry to this list. Oh Nana Patekar might have done the hideous love rap dance in Krantiveer, but is performances always forgave him. No histrionics can however redeem a sleazy cop who sleeps with molls and servants to gain inside info on the accused, and hence he breaks into this list with Ek. The pride of Bengal, however takes the spot, with his totally unforgettable appearance in Chandni Chowk to China. Mithunda is not only reduced to slicing potatoes, but is made to travel all the way to CHina only to get his ass-whupped before being bumped off.
Unsupportingly supportive actor – Female
Dia Mirza – Kurbaan
Lara Dutta – Do knot disturb
Prachi Desai – Life partner
Sherlyn Chopra – Dil Bole Hadippa
The award goes to: How can we forget the lovely women who form an integral part of the support cast. Lara Dutta was abysmal in an already jarring movie, but if her career choices are going to be stealing Govinda from Sushmita Sen in Do Knot Disturb, then there definitely is a problem! If you thought that Prachi Desai was a revelation in Rock On, wait till you see Life Partner. If being reduced to a loud nagging bimbette wasn’t enough, she is also cast along side Tusshar Kapoor! Skimpy outfits are nothing new to Sherlyn Chopra, but you do feel bad for her when the only thing she brings to the table is sidelined and loses out to a bearded sardar boy who is seen wearing salwars at night! Well the winner in this category is Dia Mirza for her blink-you-miss role in Kurbaan where she not only has a lame role, but calls up a friend when she finds out a terror plan being plotted in her living room and not alerting the cops!
Unplayable screenplay of the year
Chandni Chowk to China
What’s your Rashee
The award goes to: What strikes you in a bad movie are the lines that seem to jump out of the screen. Mouthed by actors with utmost ease, they seem to follow you all the way home and repeatedly slap you in the head as you desperately try to sleep. Himesh was the one who gave us lines like ‘Bhagwan ka screenplay bhi ajeeb hain’ and in Radio he does not disappoint with beauties like ‘genetic cocktail’, ‘Karwachauth lamps’. If they tell you that two women battle each other and throw themselves at Himesh, then you definitely have a problem. A guy meeting a girl from each of the zodiac signs seems a novel idea alright, but when you pepper it with songs, long character sketches, and boring lines, it is begging for trouble. What’s your Rashee tries to hit on many issues and ends up being a damp squib, only wish they had shortened it by an hour. A young boy runs away from home only to surface years later with a rock band at the Wembley, what an awesome concept! Now only if the makers of London Dreams sold some dope along with the tickets, it would have been far easier to look beyond this premise. Nothing and I repeat can come close to Chandni Chowk to China, for you have every possible cringe-worthy cliche rolled in. Identical twins separated at birth in different countries and on opposite sides of the law, ancient Chinese warriors being reborn as aaloo-chat-wallahs, oh we could go on. But when Akshay Kumar boasts of iron fists, forearms, Deepika looks below and goes ‘Oh mere iron man’. If you aren’t dead then you may live to watch the Robert Downey Jr version this summer.
Unbearable actor of the year – Female
Asin – London Dreams
Kareena Kapoor – Kambhakt Ishq
Deepika Padukone – Chandni Chowk to China
Rani Mukherjee – Dil Bole Hadippa
The award goes to: The lovely ladies who grace the screens, careen to the shady dance tunes in wet clothing and deliver traumatic scenes in a giggle. A large number of people flock to the cinema screen just to ogle at gods creation and see them being chased by goons. After a debut like Ghajini, London Dreams may not have been the most intelligent choice for Asin. Not sure if being reduced to a groupie and doing aerobics-type dance with back up dancers, can count her in as a lead actress but that’s what the title credits tell us! If they tell you that Kareena Kapoor is a bikini model in a movie, you’d surely go. But if they tell you that she is also a medical student who is modeling to pay for her tuition, you’d buy the popcorn and go home to eat it in peace. Deepika Padukone makes up for her wooden expressions with that killer smile of hers, but playing a Chinese assassin who goes by the name meow-meow is something that even her looks can’t redeem. If you think I’m harsh then her other avatar is a tele-shopping executive selling cheap gadgets imported from China! You may forgive all but Rani Mukherjee, the queen bee of Yashraj studio productions. In addition to the godzilla-like voice you have her dressed as a sardar scoring a double century in under ten overs while fighting of comeptition form bimbos like Sherlyn Chopra and Rakhi Sawant! If you wish to look beyond this then there is the moral science lecture she delivers in the end that is a cocktail about women in sports and indo-pak relations.
Unbearable actor of the year – Male
Akshay Kumar – Blue
Akshay Kumar – Kambakkht Ishq
Akshay Kumar – 8X10 Tasveer
Akshay Kumar – Chandni Chowk to China
The award goes to: Ah the leading man, the darling of the masses, the voice of the oppressed and the lone warrior against the corrupt system. These only make sense on other blogs but here we are looking at the exact opposite of everything previously stated, and you obviously know that! This year sees a marks a historical change with one man picking up all the five nominee slots,and that is none other than Khiladi Kumar. Molesting unsuspecting sharks in Blue, mercilessly slicing potatoes in Chandni Chowk to China, traveling through pictures in 8X10 Tasveer and walking around with a watch in his stomach in Kambakkht Ishq, Oh he’s done it all! He rode waverunners, scuba dived to find lost treasure, played with the props in the universal studios tour list, perfected the iron forearm technique and danced on the great wall of China! Oh he got to play a variety of roles as well like a village bumpkin, stinky rich millionaire with a thirst for lost treasures, misogynist hollywood stuntman, and a time traveling forest officer. With that highly irritating laugh of his, it is only time before we institute a ‘ab bas karo sijee’ award specially for him!
Disgruntled director of the year
Madhur Bhandarkar- Jail
Ashutosh Gowariker – What’s your Rashee
Priyadarshan – De Dana Dhan
Renzil D’Silva – Kurbaan
The award goes to: I once read in an interview that the director is like the captain of a ship, and he can make a bad script work or let a good one go down the drain. Clearly we are interested in the latter and ones that could have been something else which tanked horribly. Ten years from now Madhur Bhandarkar will still be holding the imaginary social mirror to our faces and stretching every cliche to the limits possible in his movies. Patrons who bought tickets to Jail were given a bound copy of the script so that they could smother themselves if they wish to not live beyond the interval break. Priyadarshan may have jump-started the comic genre that was waning after David Dhawan went on the decline, but if his idea of comedy is two grown up guys chasing a dog in a kitchen and getting flour on their heads, then the signs look ominous. Having now moved to potty jokes and flooding an entire floor of a hotel to have the ensemble cast toss and swim against the current is definitely not funny anymore. I was surprised to learn that Renzil D’Silva was involved in the writing of Rang de Basanti and the soon-to-come Raavan. But behind the camera he shot the poster for Kurbaan first and then filmed a whole movie around it as an excuse. Ashutosh Gowariker makes an entry to this list with his god awful excuse of a movie to quietly dispose the black money made from his earlier projects. Even someone from Cambodia will accept the fact that a movie is marked to tank the moment you sign a powerhouse of talent like Harman Baweja. He no only had a jaded script to deal with, but takes a driller into you head with a snoozefest that spans beyond 3hrs!
Ultra bakwas movie of the year
Chandni Chowk to China
The award goes to: Finally the most coveted award and the reason why this blog keeps getting the odd hits a week. It’s not secret that we love bad movies and this final award lets us pick the worst of the worst. Chandni Chowk to China was bad, and there is nothing that can redeem it. All that hype with Warner Bros, shooting on the great wall, martial arts and mega media promotions was all a sham. No amount of gloss can hide the fact that you had a chinese inspector speak hindi and find his identical twin daughters alive in different countries on opposite sides of the law. Oh then there was a Ganesha manifestation on a potato, which eventually helps in a kung-fu panda moment in the end. On the off-chance that all of the above were a deliberate attempt at pulp we shall spare the noose and turn to RGV’s Agyaat. The idea of a forest coming alive or atleast seeming to have a mind of its own, definitely entices me. I totally get the premise of putting a bunch of people in such a situation and letting their minds get the better of them. Then comes the kicker where you add an abomination/predator-type-thing that goes on a killing spree. What would have been an awesome fare to see the territorial instincts in people force them to eliminate each other, ends up with you waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger to jump out of the bushes covered with war paint and brandishing a huge gun. Oh he adds insult to injury by not telling you what was killing all those people, but instead asking you to come back to find out in the sequel! Radio was hated a lot more than it probably deserved, and our heart definitely goes out to it. Frankly there was nothing horrible about the movie, and I mean it. The plot was something that could possibly happen in real life, the songs weren’t jarring, and almost every department was just ok and not bad except for some horrible so-called-cool dialogs. Then why does it make it to this list you may wonder, well because this movie disappointed us more than most. It wasn’t good nor was it bad, there was nothing good or bad worth writing home and hence a colossal waste of 150mins of my life! I don’t mind the dollars spent, but I definitely want that small chunk of my life back, and this is my way of showing it. To the loser go the spoils and Kambakkht Ishq takes them all with a silver spoon. They take an average grossing tamil movie, take away all the funny parts, inflate the budget like a estrogen-fed-chicken, bring in out-of-work American actors, shoot the movie entirely abroad and then try to sell the movie back in the desh. To make matters worse you have a doctor who moonlights as a lingerie supermodel, and a stuntman who lives in a multi-million villa. I shall stop here, lest I shove someone under a guillotine.
PS: We enjoyed bringing you these awards, and promise to do a southern version next year.
(Images courtesy: glamsham)