This is your friend, guide and philosopher, Baba Bangali. Before you think that this is another lame excuse to trash a movie, let me clarify. This not just another review and unlike others we don’t give the movie away nor do we comment on the abject performances. It sure was an ardous task but nevertheless I sat through it. Why you may ask, why does one inflict upon himself such acute agony. This time around there was a reason and it was this dame, She is a favorite at Dappan Koothu and we go to everything to cover her. If this isn’t a run-of-the-mill review then what is it, you may ask. Well Bhaktas, this shall be more of an advice column much like agony aunt. Only difference being that I’m not dealing with relationships but management mantras, image branding and career choices. Sounds interesting? Read on!

#1: Three naked men in a sauna hugging, kissing and staring at each others stuff isn’t really cool.

Not the wisest thing to do especially when it’s in front of the camera and watched by the millions. Maybe I lied, not millions but say 10 people (That includes the director and me). The man built like a bull may be your boss but a sauna is not the best place for a business proposition. I can understand these constant urges that turn on your machismo. Listen to me carefully when I say, if the hug and the stares don’t go well with your boss the very same sauna could be where he’s looking for your replacement. As a great person once said ‘Towel aur aaina jhoot nahin bolti’, OK it was me! What I’m coming to is that there is no point saying ‘What’s he got that I aint got’ once your dumped!

#2: You don’t smile and eat a bag of ‘Lays’ while your name is being splashed across all TV channels and papers.

Here is simple case of improper product placement. You want to show that tough men eat a bag of Lays and that helps them stay cool. I can see that the sponsor is paying you well. But using your un-cool stars in a totally un-cool moment isn’t quit the most intelligent thing to do. People generally panic when their names are flashed on television or at least squirm. If you are going to show your so-called-uber-cool protagonist smile and shirk away the threat with a bag of Lays, then the audience is not buying that! Lays makes you thirsty it doesn’t pacify you while in panic mode. Can someone please tell poor Bhakta Vivek that smiling inappropriately doesn’t make him look cool but its actually quite silly.

#3: Not the best time for product placement while being chased by goons

Another classic case of lack of business acumen. If you’re being chased by 21 goons armed with sticks and baton, you don’t stop to have a soft drink. I can see that you are tired after the chase and the pain of shooting such a bizarre film. Yet that is no excuse to whip out a can of ‘Mountain Dew‘ and go cheers! I’ve seen the ads where a sip of Mountain Dew infuses vigor and gives you an adrenalin surge. However Bhaktas, I feel you’ve taken the ad far too seriously. I can see that they are a beverage sponsor but there can be a better time to endorse it with some snappy product placement. If you want me to sit and believe that a can of ‘Mountain Dew’ can not only quench your thirst but also allay your fears then you’re mistaken. The line ‘Dar ke aage jeet hain’, sounds really cool in a war movie or in a boardroom while risking a product launch. Smiling at a bunch of goons, and crushing a can after chugging its contents isn’t quite macho! I’m only trying to dispel your ignorance Bhakta!

#4: Stick to making our womenfolk cry with your soap operas if you can’t understand the business of film making.

Bhakta Ekta, I acknowledge the fact that you are the queen of the small screen. You exactly know the pulse of your audience and how to deliver candyfloss entertainment. Your women go to bed with loads of jewelery and wake up the next morning with their makeup and hair intact. It sure is a modern day miracle and I at times have felt the urge to ask you the secret behind this. What flummoxes me is that how you chose to ride a motorbike when you can’t even balance a bicycle. I actually liked the basic premise of your film but the non-existent execution is what killed it. Have I told you how much I love this scene? The close-up zooming, alternating black and white shots, stunned expressions due to constipation, and the cooked up emotion! Brilliant Bhakta, stick to such marvels and let the lesser mortals make movies.

#5: You don’t kiss a dragonfly even if he is your ex-husband. Why make the same mistake twice?

This pic may have hurt many of you Bhaktas reading this, especially the young boys. It’s true and quoting a very good friend of mine, ‘Vinasha Kaale Vipareeta Buddhi’ is so apt here. Bhakta, you had the whole of south india at your feet. You’ve paired with everyone from the Superstar to the Megastar. You want to throw all that out of the window for movies like this? You could have atleast smooched the other guy and then you and Aishwarya Rai would have had one mistake in common. However Bhakta, we hope that the great Ganesha grants you some common sense or just head to the nearest Big Bazaar. They afterall calim to have everything at affordable prices. When a guy is out to bash a baddie who is twice as taller and weighs thrice as much, tiger may not be the most appropriate words of encouragement. A lot of women like to call their men ‘Tiger’ but the setting is not a godown and it’s generally dark! You may have to work upon your words of encouragement and ‘Go get him tiger’ isn’t the best thing to say!

I hope to make this section a regular feature, so do mail me your queries.

regards,

Baba Bangali

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The very first scene opens with a war sequence as I tried to stifle my laughter looking at the extras and the choreographed formations. I agree it’s very difficult while filming with so many extras they seemed like running into each other, looking confused and playing dandiya . There was a roar in the hall when HR says ‘Hamle ke liye tayyar’, only to be dampened by his non-involvement in the ensuing battle with cannons blowing into the camera and elephants crushing the heads of foot soldiers!

Question se answer tak:

1. Question: How do you justify the 40Cr you have spent on a period film?
   Answer: You build large sets with intricate designs and design heavily ornate jewelery to go with it.
2. Question: How do you get an elephant to act?
   Answer: Film him in the same frame with Hrithik Roshan after all for the guy who runs faster than a horse, taming an elephant ought to be childs play!
3. Question: How do you make eyes pop to the most beautiful sufi rendition of recent times?
   Answer: Get it filmed on odd looking performers with weird hats and asynchronous clapping. If that does send people into a trance make the performers spin and also take the assistance of divine lights!
4. Question: How do you manage to turn on a queen who spends her time singing bhajans and playing with doves?
   Answer: Show off your swashbuckling swordsmanship and bare your torso, just in case she isn’t impressed by your blade. She will be dazed by the drops of sweat trickling down from the neck to your lower back. It’s a trip to gay paradise for all men watching though….
5. Question: What is the optimum height to carry out an execution?
   Answer: Will be proportional to his mass (massXgXheight), so use trial and error method. Try again if your initial estimation is wrong.
6. Question: What is the right time to sing praise to your lord(bhajan)?
   Answer: When people in the adjacent courtroom are debating on how you pose a threat to their religion.
7. Question: What does an illiterate king do when quizzed on calligraphy?
   Answer: Praise the weird looking designs and if further grilled you better confess.
8. Question: How do you avenge the execution of your corrupt and scrupulous son?
   Answer: Create rifts between the King and Queen and brand her as an assassin, plotting the downfall of the kingdom.
9. Question: How do you woo your wife and bring her home from her fathers place?
   Answer: Indulge in a crouching tiger like duel with your queen and keep fighting till she gets distracted.
10. Question: How do you make love to your Queen without courting any controversy?
    Answer: Fondle each other for five minutes and pray that the god damn song finishes quickly.
11. Question: What do you do if you are a prince without a kingdom?
    Answer: You shuttle between kingdoms in a bid to garner some support, get tricked into believing that your cousin is evil and sacrifice yourself when you realize how foolish you have been.
12. Question: How do you trounce a 7 foot rebel leader who stakes claim to your throne?
    Answer: Simple, defeat him in a hand to hand duel. Now don’t tell me it reminds you of Troy, after all Akbar was a Complan boy!

All said and done, I still liked the movie and won’t mind watching it again…

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