Unsportive movie of the year

Nominees:
Luck
Victory
Dil Bole Hadippa
Blue
The award goes to: The IPL overkill while forcing us to take a mini-sabbatical, also got our grey cells working. Last year saw quite a few movie titles set against a formulaic backdrop with a remote connection to a sport. We had Luck where they paid a bunch of idiots to cheat death(atleast that’s what they were told) and do crazy ass shit like jumping of a plane, swimming with sharks etc. Since they told us that human betting was a sport, it makes them a default entry to our ceremony. Then comes Blue where apart from getting frisky with sharks, they also get on wave runners and circle around women in bikinis. Now I’ve done both, well not the bikini part and hence can vouch for the sport part of it! Dil Bole Hadippa was probably the worst ever adaptation of a girl-playing-in-a-boys-team movie. If the fake Harbhajan look does get your bile juices churning, then the morality speech at the very end will surely make you throw up! The winner however is Victory, which for starters has loser boy Harman Baweja. In addition to the horrendous batting strike rates, cliched scenes of drugs and booze, you also get to see our famed cricketers exhibit their nonexistent acting chops. Did I mention that Brett Lee gets walloped and Murali is cantered around the park?

Unsupportingly supportive actor – Male

Nominees:
The Forest – Agyaat
Aftab Shivdasani – Kambakht Ishq
Mithunda – Chandni Chowk to China
Nana Patekar – Ek
The award goes to: While the lead actors hog the spotlight, the support cast are always short changed. For they are equally responsible in being the ingredients of a disaster soup. Imagine what we would have done if not for the forest in Agyaat, having a predator-like-thing hiding behind dark alleys and killing people would seem really foolish. Not that the movie would have made any sense in a different setting, but they director atleast seemed to imply that the forest was alive. Aftab Shivdasani was never really known for his acting barring that toothpaste-ad smile of his, but getting mauled by a wife who moonlights as a bikini model is sacrilege! He may have been casted opposite Amrita Arora numerous times, but plying second fiddle to khiladi Kumar guarantees instant entry to this list. Oh Nana Patekar might have done the hideous love rap dance in Krantiveer, but is performances always forgave him. No histrionics can however redeem a sleazy cop who sleeps with molls and servants to gain inside info on the accused, and hence he breaks into this list with Ek. The pride of Bengal, however takes the spot, with his totally unforgettable appearance in Chandni Chowk to China. Mithunda is not only reduced to slicing potatoes, but is made to travel all the way to CHina only to get his ass-whupped before being bumped off.

Unsupportingly supportive actor – Female

Nominees:
Dia Mirza – Kurbaan
Lara Dutta – Do knot disturb
Prachi Desai – Life partner
Sherlyn Chopra – Dil Bole Hadippa
The award goes to: How can we forget the lovely women who form an integral part of the support cast. Lara Dutta was abysmal in an already jarring movie, but if her career choices are going to be stealing Govinda from Sushmita Sen in Do Knot Disturb, then there definitely is a problem! If you thought that Prachi Desai was a revelation in Rock On, wait till you see Life Partner. If being reduced to a loud nagging bimbette wasn’t enough, she is also cast along side Tusshar Kapoor! Skimpy outfits are nothing new to Sherlyn Chopra, but you do feel bad for her when the only thing she brings to the table is sidelined and loses out to a bearded sardar boy who is seen wearing salwars at night! Well the winner in this category is Dia Mirza for her blink-you-miss role in Kurbaan where she not only has a lame role, but calls up a friend when she finds out a terror plan being plotted in her living room and not alerting the cops!

Unplayable screenplay of the year

Nominees:
Chandni Chowk to China
Radio
What’s your Rashee
London Dreams
The award goes to: What strikes you in a bad movie are the lines that seem to jump out of the screen. Mouthed by actors with utmost ease, they seem to follow you all the way home and repeatedly slap you in the head as you desperately try to sleep. Himesh was the one who gave us lines like ‘Bhagwan ka screenplay bhi ajeeb hain’ and in Radio he does not disappoint with beauties like ‘genetic cocktail’, ‘Karwachauth lamps’. If they tell you that two women battle each other and throw themselves at Himesh, then you definitely have a problem. A guy meeting a girl from each of the zodiac signs seems a novel idea alright, but when you pepper it with songs, long character sketches, and boring lines, it is begging for trouble. What’s your Rashee tries to hit on many issues and ends up being a damp squib, only wish they had shortened it by an hour. A young boy runs away from home only to surface years later with a rock band at the Wembley, what an awesome concept! Now only if the makers of London Dreams sold some dope along with the tickets, it would have been far easier to look beyond this premise. Nothing and I repeat can come close to Chandni Chowk to China, for you have every possible cringe-worthy cliche rolled in. Identical twins separated at birth in different countries and on opposite sides of the law, ancient Chinese warriors being reborn as aaloo-chat-wallahs, oh we could go on. But when Akshay Kumar boasts of iron fists, forearms, Deepika looks below and goes ‘Oh mere iron man’. If you aren’t dead then you may live to watch the Robert Downey Jr version this summer.

Unbearable actor of the year – Female

Nominees:
Asin – London Dreams
Kareena Kapoor – Kambhakt Ishq
Deepika Padukone – Chandni Chowk to China
Rani Mukherjee – Dil Bole Hadippa
The award goes to: The lovely ladies who grace the screens, careen to the shady dance tunes in wet clothing and deliver traumatic scenes in a giggle. A large number of people flock to the cinema screen just to ogle at gods creation and see them being chased by goons. After a debut like Ghajini, London Dreams may not have been the most intelligent choice for Asin. Not sure if being reduced to a groupie and doing aerobics-type dance with back up dancers, can count her in as a lead actress but that’s what the title credits tell us! If they tell you that Kareena Kapoor is a bikini model in a movie, you’d surely go. But if they tell you that she is also a medical student who is modeling to pay for her tuition, you’d buy the popcorn and go home to eat it in peace. Deepika Padukone makes up for her wooden expressions with that killer smile of hers, but playing a Chinese assassin who goes by the name meow-meow is something that even her looks can’t redeem. If you think I’m harsh then her other avatar is a tele-shopping executive selling cheap gadgets imported from China! You may forgive all but Rani Mukherjee, the queen bee of Yashraj studio productions. In addition to the godzilla-like voice you have her dressed as a sardar scoring a double century in under ten overs while fighting of comeptition form bimbos like Sherlyn Chopra and Rakhi Sawant! If you wish to look beyond this then there is the moral science lecture she delivers in the end that is a cocktail about women in sports and indo-pak relations.

Unbearable actor of the year – Male

Nominees:
Akshay Kumar – Blue
Akshay Kumar – Kambakkht Ishq
Akshay Kumar – 8X10 Tasveer
Akshay Kumar – Chandni Chowk to China
The award goes to: Ah the leading man, the darling of the masses, the voice of the oppressed and the lone warrior against the corrupt system. These only make sense on other blogs but here we are looking at the exact opposite of everything previously stated, and you obviously know that! This year sees a marks a historical change with one man picking up all the five nominee slots,and that is none other than Khiladi Kumar. Molesting unsuspecting sharks in Blue, mercilessly slicing potatoes in Chandni Chowk to China, traveling through pictures in 8X10 Tasveer and walking around with a watch in his stomach in Kambakkht Ishq, Oh he’s done it all! He rode waverunners, scuba dived to find lost treasure, played with the props in the universal studios tour list, perfected the iron forearm technique and danced on the great wall of China! Oh he got to play a variety of roles as well like a village bumpkin, stinky rich millionaire with a thirst for lost treasures, misogynist hollywood stuntman, and a time traveling forest officer. With that highly irritating laugh of his, it is only time before we institute a ‘ab bas karo sijee’ award specially for him!

Disgruntled director of the year

Nominees:
Madhur Bhandarkar- Jail
Ashutosh Gowariker – What’s your Rashee
Priyadarshan – De Dana Dhan
Renzil D’Silva – Kurbaan
The award goes to: I once read in an interview that the director is like the captain of a ship, and he can make a bad script work or let a good one go down the drain. Clearly we are interested in the latter and ones that could have been something else which tanked horribly. Ten years from now Madhur Bhandarkar will still be holding the imaginary social mirror to our faces and stretching every cliche to the limits possible in his movies. Patrons who bought tickets to Jail were given a bound copy of the script so that they could smother themselves if they wish to not live beyond the interval break. Priyadarshan may have jump-started the comic genre that was waning after David Dhawan went on the decline, but if his idea of comedy is two grown up guys chasing a dog in a kitchen and getting flour on their heads, then the signs look ominous. Having now moved to potty jokes and flooding an entire floor of a hotel to have the ensemble cast toss and swim against the current is definitely not funny anymore. I was surprised to learn that Renzil D’Silva was involved in the writing of Rang de Basanti and the soon-to-come Raavan. But behind the camera he shot the poster for Kurbaan first and then filmed a whole movie around it as an excuse. Ashutosh Gowariker makes an entry to this list with his god awful excuse of a movie to quietly dispose the black money made from his earlier projects. Even someone from Cambodia will accept the fact that a movie is marked to tank the moment you sign a powerhouse of talent like Harman Baweja. He no only had a jaded script to deal with, but takes a driller into you head with a snoozefest that spans beyond 3hrs!

Ultra bakwas movie of the year

Nominees:
Chandni Chowk to China
Agyaat
Radio
Kambakkht Ishq
The award goes to: Finally the most coveted award and the reason why this blog keeps getting the odd hits a week. It’s not secret that we love bad movies and this final award lets us pick the worst of the worst. Chandni Chowk to China was bad, and there is nothing that can redeem it. All that hype with Warner Bros, shooting on the great wall, martial arts and mega media promotions was all a sham. No amount of gloss can hide the fact that you had a chinese inspector speak hindi and find his identical twin daughters alive in different countries on opposite sides of the law. Oh then there was a Ganesha manifestation on a potato, which eventually helps in a kung-fu panda moment in the end. On the off-chance that all of the above were a deliberate attempt at pulp we shall spare the noose and turn to RGV’s Agyaat. The idea of a forest coming alive or atleast seeming to have a mind of its own, definitely entices me. I totally get the premise of putting a bunch of people in such a situation and letting their minds get the better of them. Then comes the kicker where you add an abomination/predator-type-thing that goes on a killing spree. What would have been an awesome fare to see the territorial instincts in people force them to eliminate each other, ends up with you waiting for Arnold Schwarzenegger to jump out of the bushes covered with war paint and brandishing a huge gun. Oh he adds insult to injury by not telling you what was killing all those people, but instead asking you to come back to find out in the sequel! Radio was hated a lot more than it probably deserved, and our heart definitely goes out to it. Frankly there was nothing horrible about the movie, and I mean it. The plot was something that could possibly happen in real life, the songs weren’t jarring, and almost every department was just ok and not bad except for some horrible so-called-cool dialogs. Then why does it make it to this list you may wonder, well because this movie disappointed us more than most. It wasn’t good nor was it bad, there was nothing good or bad worth writing home and hence a colossal waste of 150mins of my life! I don’t mind the dollars spent, but I definitely want that small chunk of my life back, and this is my way of showing it. To the loser go the spoils and Kambakkht Ishq takes them all with a silver spoon. They take an average grossing tamil movie, take away all the funny parts, inflate the budget like a estrogen-fed-chicken, bring in out-of-work American actors, shoot the movie entirely abroad and then try to sell the movie back in the desh. To make matters worse you have a doctor who moonlights as a lingerie supermodel, and a stuntman who lives in a multi-million villa. I shall stop here, lest I shove someone under a guillotine.

PS: We enjoyed bringing you these awards, and promise to do a southern version next year.

(Images courtesy: glamsham)

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• The 2010 Dandanakka Awards – Part 1
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2009 – Part 1
• The 2009 Dandanakka Awards – Part 1
• Review: Kambakkht Ishq – No Mangalam Here
• The 2009 Dandanakka Awards – Part 2
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2009 – Part 2
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2011

The movie opens with a shot of the heavily secure swanky multi-storey headquarters of the Diamond Corporation of India(DCOI), which has more gadgetry and security systems than the FBI and CIA put together. Let us put behind us that there are such establishments in the country and also the fact that they offer free tours of their security systems to every dork disguised as a sardar. He then suits up in the gayest leather available and hides in the air-ducts, not before uttering the 2nd best line of the movie, “I’m in and it’s time
to winI’m in and it’s time to win“. After having navigated laser beams, fingerprint mechanisms he uses a laser pen to cut through a window, which in the previous scene was described to be strong enough to resist a powerful bomb blast. That’s not it, for there’s a giant vacuum cleaner that doubles as a periscope and reaches the top floor window from a van outside. You’d assume that he’d just bag the diamonds and then drop them into the van, but in what is the flavor of the season they are vacuumed into the van from the top floor of a multi-storey building. Just so that you can estimate the height of the building, in the very next scene while being chased by the guards, Prince base-jumps of the building and pulls the ripcord of his parachute to land safely on the van. If you’re reading this with your mouth wide open, then hold on to that expression for a while. This was only the opening sequence before the titles take over and Atif Aslam wakes you up from the CGI-induced slumber. “Oh mere khuda” indeed, but only for making such a movie with the craziest indipop album type music video.

This post is already nearing the average word-count but we haven’t even gone near the most interesting parts yet. Prince suddenly wakes up with a bullet lodged in his arm, unable to remember a thing and the only thing worse than his lame expressions is lines like “main kaun hoon, main kahan hoon”. These lines were last heard in a cheesy Pepsi commercial featuring Sachin and movies in the 70s, but prince brings back all those memories and you have new found respect for the era. Prince is now sought after by the CBI and two white collar dons for he posses information about “The coin”. At this point we’re told that “The Coin” was forged in ancient Lanka and it has magical powers because people believe that the coin “Raavan ke rakht se bana hainRaavan ke rakht se bana hain“. So if you’re wondering how Jason Bourne finds the coin and takes it to Mordor to destroy it, then you’re in for a pleasant surprise. Turns out that there are three women vying for his attention claiming to be romantically involved, each with an even interesting back story. What is even more interesting is that each of them is named Maya and has an ulterior motive with the coin in question. Maya-1 sizzles in a club song and we’re told that she is a phony but poor Prince is still smelling her tonsils unaware of this fact. Maya-2 makes an entry with a story of how they are both undercover CBI officers, and their assignment is to nab Sauron Sarang red-handed while handing over the priceless stolen coin. Even this story can be safely ignored along with the unfunny lines of the butler that seem like slapping you in the face till you fake a smile. We were later told that he was the actual dialog writer doing a cameo in the movie, how we wish his death in the climax was for real. But this time again we are are proved correct for Maya-2 is far more sinister than her heavily tattooed yet curvaceous body, only after Prince has taken his tongue out of her throat.

You can easily see the double-cross coming as Maya-2 plants a gun on Vivek’s forehead, but nothing can prepare you for iron-fist. Yes turns out that Sauron Sarang is the love-child of the Terminator T-800 and a bollywood extra. That is the only rational explanation anyone can ever give for his metal fingers. The ensuing fight brings in Maya-3 who has a kickass introduction scene where she rains bullets from machine guns strapped to a hand-glider! This is again followed by yet another song that involves bikinis, bikes and some more jhingjhak music. A note to all CBZ/Karizma lovers who are mostly fans of Vivek Oberoi as well, doing a wheelie while tasting last night’s chicken curry in a girls mouth isn’t probably the best idea and you may want to keep an eye on the road as well. Maya-3 presents us with a killer back story where in, she and Prince collude with the CBI to stage the funkiest robbery ever known to Chetan Bhagat fans. A hologram of two idiots smooching on a bridge is enough reason for a convoy to leave the vehicle they were guarding, while a remote controlled car explodes beneath it to topple the armored vehicle into the water below. Taking cue from Uncle Pai’s science experiments, they cut through the the bullet-proof metal like cardboard underwater.

Nothing in the world prepares you for what happens next, and I kid you not when I say this. Turns out the coin is a facade for carrying a embedded chip developed by the country’s top nanotechnologists, and it enables downloading the entire contents of the human braindownloading the entire contents of the human brain only to replicate them and upload them into another. Prince is strapped to a chair and his brain is mapped using the chip, the progress of which seems to go faster than what it takes winrar to install on a machine. What about those email forwards that tell you that the human brain can store  terabytes worth of data, were they lying of is Prince pulling a fast one on you? I found it weird at first but then realized that if you’ve signed a movie like this then surely you only have enough grey matter than can be downloaded under two-minutes. That explains how they did an F-Disk on him and the so-called seizures he gets. The reason I use computer jargon here is because, it is the closest to equating system-crashes and reboots to his brain trying multiple unsuccessful auto-restores. So apart from having a Tony Stark like lair with leather suits, wrist contraptions that shoot mini-harpoons, Prince also has to retrieve the coin in order to barter his brain-mappings. More unintentional comedy ensues with bondesque chases, gunfights and CGI-porn before he finally finds the coin everyone is after. This is where Maya-1 gets bumped off  not before the best line the movie is used, “maine uske aankhon mein laalach ka virus scan kar liya tha”. An absurd climax sees Maya-3 decimate Maya-2,  while Jason Bourne and Sauron/T-800 engage in a duel on an overturned vehicle going downstream. For a moment you can hear Obe-Van Kenobi squeal to Anakin how he was the chosen one, but this just meanders into a humongous waterfall. Prince rips apart the iron-fist and uses his mini-harpoon to cling onto a nearby chopper, leaving Sarang to fall to his fate. The end credits show Sarang surviving the fall and fatally wounded yet not dead, thus spawning the possibility of a sequel.

I know by now nobody even cares but it’s time to pick up the shattered pieces of our brains around the chair. Since a review warrants a rating, let’s go with 3/10 with a extra star solely for Ms.Sen.

(Image Courtesy: Indiaglitz)

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Easily forgettable debut of the year – Male

Nominees:
*Jacky Bhagnani – Kal Kissne Dekha
Rannvijay Singh – London Dreams
Abhijeet Sawant – Lottery
Parzan Dastur – Sikandar

The award goes to: We like to start with the newest entrants into filmdom. The leading men of tomorrow for whom  teens will suffer severe bouts of hysteria. The men Archies and Hallmark will make a killing by selling posters of but instead will be seen gracing this space in the years to come. A lot of you may remember the cute little Sardar kid counting stars in KKHH, but unfortunately Parzan Dastur learnt that there is more to acting than just counting stars in Sikandar. Who doesn’t know Indian Idol Abhijeet Sawant, but do you also know that the singing talent was a participant on reality dance show Nach Baliye before going a step further and showing us his non-existent acting chops in Lottery? Rannvijay Singh is a stud on the small screen alright and the only reason that the show MTV Roadies is watchable, but peddling drugs in London Dreams isn’t quite the best way to make a debut. You can’t beat Jacky Bhagnani who can see the future, solve complex physics equations, sniff bombs and still manage time to romance the college hottie!

Easily forgettable debut of the year – Female

Nominees:
Vaishali Desai – Kal kissne Dekha
Shruti Haasan – Luck
*Jacqueline Fernandez – Alladin
Giselle Monteiro – Love Aaj Kal

The award goes to: After the boys, it’s time to take a look at the divas who will grace Tollywood for that is where Bollywood discards often head to. The ill-fated have to go north or star in television, commercials and photoshoots. Being related to the great Manmohan Desai isn’t enough and you need more than that if you want to survive the industry, a lesson Vaishali Desai learnt the hard way. Giselle Monteiro might have fooled us all into believing she was a shy punjabi kudi, but then to her credit the role required no talking and just looking coy. Born to extremely talented actors, you’d expect Shruti Haasan to breeze her way through the industry, but this pretty lass doesn’t seem to have the needed luck. There was another import and this one was from the south, but the fate was pretty much the same for Sri Lankan beauty Jacqueline Fernandez and even Aladin’s lamp couldn’t help her cause.

Most painful lyrics of the year

Nominees:
Mangalam Mangalam -  Kambakkht Ishq
*Chiggy Wiggy -  Blue
Love me Love me – Wanted
Mann ka Radio – Radio

The award goes to: If a song becomes a chart buster, it generally has some very well penned lyrics. The converse isn’t always true yet every year the bar is dropped further as you get to hear shockers. If listening to it being played in every wedding scene wasn’t enough, this year we were treated to a hip-hop version of ‘Main to jantar se hi darta hu,  Bas pyaar ka mantar karta hu, om mangalam mangalam’.  Not sure if that was more torturous or telling a girl that her parents have opined she love you in, ‘Your mama says you Love Me Papa says you Love Me, O Love Me baby Love Me’. Well I would still take a pass on that one but when Himesh brings you atrocious stuff like, ‘Station Koyi Naya Tune Kar Le zara, FullTu Attitude De De Tu zara’ you can’t help but notice. The kicker however belongs to Kylie Minogue who wants to ‘I wanna chiggy-wiggy with you boy I wanna chiggy-wiggy with you baby’ and that is interspersed with some punjabi balle balle. In the end you have a horrible cocktail, much like mixing payasam with rum or even worse.

Ear splitting music of the year

Nominees:
*Sajid-Wajid – Wanted
Himesh Reshammiya – Radio
Pritam – De Dhana Dhan
Shankar Ehsan Loy – Shortkut

The award goes to: Whenever you have a blockbuster album ringing the cash counters, it most certainly translates to a huge opening for the movie. You also have albums have make you cringe and ask for a refund from the music store, and this list rounds them up. The nasal crooner may have gone under the knife and sing in dual voices, but that doesn’t mean the couldn’t deliver a bland soundtrack. You could say it was so bland that it made a bowl of cerelac seem like tangy samosa chat. We feel that Pritam saves his best for his favorite filmmakers like the Bhatts, how else do you explain an album like Tum Mile for them and the loud De Dhana Dhan for Priyadarshan? Just because SEL are the top composers in the country, doesn’t always mean that they churn out the best of albums. Shortkut was a hash of all discarded tunes put together and a sorry excuse for an album. When you speak of loud jarring music the team that wins it twice in succession are the terrible duo of Sajid-Wajid. Not sure if it is their choice of singers, gawdy loops or atrocious lyrics but they somehow manage to bring out the worst!

Most bakwas song of the year

Nominees:
*Shukran Allah – Kurbaan
Prem ki Naiyya – Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani
Mann ko ati bhave – London Dreams
Baarish kar doon – De Dhan Dhan
S.I.D.H.U – Chandni Chowk to China

The award goes to: I recently learnt that when a song is stuck in your head, the proper term to use is earworm. When a song is repeatedly played on every radio station and makes your ears bleed owing to an overdose, it makes an appearance here. Ajab Prem ki may have been a grosser but that gave them the freedom to play the Prem ki Naiyya on loop over the air. Neeraj Shridhar has never been more irritating than this except when Kailash Kher crooned to S.I.D.H.U hitting the octaves. Now we don’t like being taught how to spell every now and then, especially when it is the same word. Pritam is at it again because Baarish kar Doon sounded like a greedy baniya seeking alms outside a temple, and all you hear is paisa paisa paisa. Whoever said SEL wasn’t capable of dishing out trash has probably eaten two pairs of shoes by now. Just because Mann ko ati bhave was made for Salman Khan, doesn’t mean it had to have eunuch-like sounding backup vocalists. The one that took the cake was the highly irritating Shukran Allah which had almost everything wrong right form the lyrics, setting, actors and tune. The radio overkill just adds to the fact that a mental image of a size-zero kareena pops up in your head every time you listen to it!

I can see past/present award

Nominees:
Kal Kissne Dekha
Aa Dekhe Zara
*8X10 Tasveer
Agyaat

The award goes to: This year we institute a new award for those movies that push the limits of logic while still staying in the real world and not treading the path of fantasy. If you made a mythological and told us that a particular character could see the future, we’d take it happily. When actors with paranormal abilities are paraded as everyday stories, we definitely have a problem. We however chose not to diss them but commemorate them with a category of their own.  Agyaat told us that there was this huge savage in the forest that lived under the surface, was stronger than a boulder while not being alien or human. Tey then spank you in the face and force you to watch part-2 if you want to find out what or who it really was. Kal Kisse dekha had the young stud who not only was an ace sportsman, top student, physics whiz, good Samaritan but could all see the future, yes even we laughed at that point! Aa dekhe Zara tried using some logic, and made us believe that a camera not human could tell you how a particular person/thing will look like  on a given date. They got past the superhuman abilities, but it was still lame. Akshay Kumar took the inanimate objects telling past/present logic to a higher level in 8X10 Tasveer when he became the polaroid time traveler. Lets just hope you don’t have a knife to your wrists.

Animals in meaningful roles award

Nominees:
Sharks – Blue
Stallions – Kaminey
Moolchandji – De Dhan Dhan
Whatever it was – Agyaat

The award goes to: Over a period of time we have noticed that animals deliver better performances than the main leads. They come in give the shot, take a snack and are out, no hassles, no egos, no fruit juice, no pushy moms and no need for make-up vans! Now Agyaat makes it to this list by default for we aren’t sure if the predator-type-thing was human or alien, hence it shall be counted for the actor category as well. When a dog has a proper name and treated like a member of the family, you are surely in for trouble. SO much that Akshay Kumar kidnaps Moolchandji in De Dhan Dhan for ransom only for the mongrel to create havoc in the kitchen. Splendid performance by the mutt to stay in character despite the ensuing ruckus and Archana Puran Singh screaming her lungs out. We heard rumors that PETA had taken a march against Akshay Kumar who got frisky with a shark in Blue. The poor mammal was cornered in the net and tried its best to escape his lecherous advances, only to have been maathey-pe-kalankofied by the end of the scene. What in Ganesha’s name is with Akshay and animals? The weirdest piece of news comes from the stables of the Bombay Race Course where a few horses were chosen to do a scene with Shahid Kapur in Kaminey. We are told that despite the raw energy exuded by shahid’s bare torso, the stallions resisted his mating tendencies and held character to complete the scene in one shot. To extract such an immaculate performance, Shahid was blinded on the sides thereby reducing the chances of him getting turned on.

PS: Owing to the length of this post and the big awards that follow this post is split into two parts. Let us know if you liked this one, part two is up here!

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• The 2009 Dandanakka Awards – Part 1
• The 2010 Dandanakka Awards – Part 2
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2009 – Part 2
• The 2009 Dandanakka Awards – Part 2
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2009 – Part 1
• Vaazhthugal – A crash course in tamizh…….
• Supremely Sublime Movies of 2011

BB: Ah rambo, welcome back to Dappan Koothu. Doesn’t feel like it’s almost been a year innit?

SR: Well Baba, ever asked a cricket ball how it feels after being smacked all over the park by that Yusuf Pathan fellow? While for you it may seem like just like last month, only I know the harassment I had to face from the wife.

BB: oops! then we shall keep this one clean, and skirt the lavatory issue away. How about we begin with your demon slaying stories that pimp you into uber macho-land. Like for example your exploits against Taraka and other demons.

SR: Firstly I am a married man and the paragon of virtue. Please don’t use the word exploit and the name of a demoness in the same sentence. It doesn’t sound right and sends out the wrong signals, if my wife gets to hear of it she’ll have me do the fire-test. She’s been seeking revenge ever since I asked her to do it in the emerald island. Secondly, slaying her provoked her son to plot the abduction of my wife which led to more trouble.

BB: Ah come on, Mareecha is an interesting character. Small yet important role that turns the whole movie on it’s head. Plus he wasn’t a bad guy as the others, just a pawn in the grand scheme of events.

SR: Arrggggh, that mareecha fellow has been the bane of my problems so don’t you remind me of him. He could have been any deer, yet he chose gold and had to trot before the missus. Since then to this day women have never been able to get over gold. It’s not like she could wear the
dear
like a
stole and sashay
down the rampwear the dear like a stole and sashay down the ramp, yet she wanted to get her hands on the friggin deer.

BB: Haha Mareecha could be the brand ambassador for those Joy Allukas ads. They have gaudy stuff on display anyways, a golden deer wouldn’t hurt them too much. I pity those brides who end up wearing those monstrosities on the most important day of their lives. Speaking of which, your wedding was a gala affair with it’s own share of masala.

SR: Ah don’t remind me of that day, it shouldn’t have ended that way. That bow was heavy alright, but I was on protein supplements and the darn rusty things broke as I tried to string it. Do you know how embarrassing it is for a warrior to have his bow broken in front of an audience? To top it they declared me the winner and betrothed me to the princess of Mithila. Fact is that without the bow they couldn’t continue the contest and by default I was declared the suitor.

BB: Wonder what madamji has to say about this, plus there was a lot of hue and cry after the ceremony.

SR: Dude, this has to be off-record for the missus can’t have a whiff of this. You have any idea how much trouble I could get into? Plus the rusty bow was a gift to King Janaka from a sad-dude who liked to call himself as the axe-man. If not for the wifey’s presence of mind, you wouldn’t be talking to me today. What kind of a sad-dude goes around hacking warriors with an axe, weren’t they meant to meditate under trees and grow long beards? Also when I say axe-man, I don’t mean those lame elevator comercials, this guy was the ultimate pwnzOr.

BB: Talking about swayamvars, do you know that you guys aren’t trending anymore? You’ve been dumped as the hottest couple by #mahajunk and his bride, who are the latest item.

SR: People these days and their fascination for reality television baffles me.You trying to tell me that no one remembers the Arun Govil versionno one remembers the Arun Govil version of me, and instead this guy’s names comes up on search results for swayamvar? Eeeesh, drugs, wife-beater and reality show contestant? These should have been the initial criteria for screening and he fails all three of them. #unselected if you ask me, what’s next? a statue for him?

BB: Ha Ha Rambo my friend, statues are infact now patented by behenji and rumor has it that her statues even adorn the restrooms of the UP assembly. How does it feel to learn that in your home state the ram-janmabhoomi is no longer an issue for statues and cash-garlands have taken forefront.

SR: Dang! I hoped to stay in the limelight for years to come riding the temple wave. A lot of gods envy the fact that I’m mentioned atleast one a week in the news. Looks like now it’s become a dangling pointer orphaned in the sea of current affairs. After fighting years over my temple, demolishing mosques, burning trains and even rioting in my name they now want to put it on hold? As long it doesn’t claim lives, I’m not averse to the idea though a tad disappointed. So what’s with this statue-lady, if she’s so obsessed with seeing herself in every corner, why not just install mirrors where ever she goes? Also what’s with currency-garlands, in our times it was flowers and they weren’t this gigantic. Those could easily go over the neck of an elephant, no that I’m trying to suggest anything here!

BB: Oh I know you buddy, you mean no harm. I must howver break the news to you that unfortunately this year your birthday falls within the IPL season. All festivities will come to a stop by 8PM as the country will thereafter be glued to the screens and try to karbon kamaal katch a DLF maximum hoping to net a Citi moment of success.

SR: Rats! I get one day and they choose to spend that gawking at firangi women who jump in glee every time the camera pans on them? I was going to get even with them, but then the missus warned me bout a guy called Lalit Modi who is supposedly more vicious than the ten-face. I’ve heard that he may use it as a brilliant opportunity to increase viewership by combining the two and luring my senior-citizen quota devotees. The last thing i want is IPL matches streaming in the temple, and logo branding on my idols. I’m happier with the attention I get till 8pm, and oh there are 12 missed calls from the missus, time to scoot!

BB: Thnx rambo, we hope to have you back next year. If the missus permits you to that is!

PS: Title inspired by this song

(Image Courtesy: bhaktiyoga)

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Making the common extraordinary

MM: First of all Wilbur, Welcome to Dappan Koothu. We’ve been fans of your work ever since the days of the ‘blog song‘. Could you tell us what went behind conceptualizing the song and the highly addictive dance steps that go with it?

WS: Thank you Munna, You cannot separate dancing and music. They both walk hand in hand. Usually when you make an addictive dance move its more because you are feeling the beat of the music and the music is dictating your body movements. Its very simple. Just play the song and allow the song to make you move! Of course there are some choreographed moves but one thing I learnt from the amazing dancers and musicians in Cuba is to allow the music to dictate your movements.

MM: Cuba is it? Well, the song is so popular that last time a few blogger friends met up in Chennai, they sung it on the beach before dispersing. How does it feel to have created a blogger anthem that’s a raging success?

WS: It is very humbling and I am always excited to see people enjoying the music that I create. It was not meant to be just in my head or in my room….people need to hear it and it is for their enjoyment!

MM: There’s not much info about you other than the fact that you’re from Madurai and now in Canada. Could you tell us something bout your growing years, education and family?

WS: I am from Madurai and I live in both India and Canada as I have relatives in both places. My entire family is scattered across India and the Middle East. I spent my younger years in Darjeeling, Calcutta and Benares. Till my family moved down to Tamil Nadu where I went to school in Ootacamund and then finally in Madurai.

MM: Now that’s a lot of places. When did this association with music happen, and the subsequent move to Canada? Don’t tell us that you just found the drum-sticks lying around, start drumming and become an overnight sensation!

WS: I have always loves music even as a boy in Jeevana school in Madurai I would get all the boys to join me and beat the
desk
in Dappankoothubeat the desk in Dappankoothu (local tamil nadu style beats) style! No I did not find drumsticks lying around….I made drumsticks from trees and would play on whatever I could. I did practice and I have been able to take some tuition from some great drummers. This led me to receive an endorsement from a company called Vater who have made a signature stick (you can purchase this on my website) and with Pearl drums (Japanese company) and Evans drumheads. I am thankful for this opportunity and yes it comes with passion and very hard work.

MM: Oh we obviously know Dappan Koothu, afterall our blog is named after it! Sargunaraj Super call Solutions, isn’t quite really a call center, do you have a day job? How did that start and are you still associated with it or have you become a full-time musician?

WS: I would like to clear the misconception about Sargunaraj Supercall solutions. It is not a call center…It is a center that I started to receive questions from people. I take them and answer them on video or by podcast. I don’t “work” for center anymore although it functions in the background as people still ask me questions. I still enjoy doing this form time to time but yes music has become a full time venture.

MM: A lot of bloggers are calling you India’s answer to Ali G or rather Ali G is the Wilbur of the west. How does it feel for such a comparison that pole-vaults you to cult status?

WS: Sorry who is Ali G??? I am confident to be Wilbur Sargnaraj and if people like to compare me others no problem but I am so happy to be myself.

MM: A lot of your non-musical travel videos are like learnings shot on your trips. Is it something like the cultural learnings of a tamizhan that you wish to document?

WS: Cultural learnings of Wilbur Sargunaraj… yes….I love to expose people all around the world to different cultures and the richness of that particular people group. We may be different but we have more in common than we realize. I like to speak on behalf of all common people not just tamil people.

MM: You made an instructional video on preparing chicken-65, and there’s also a post on it. What are your other culinary exploits and do we get to see more bachelors cooking guides?

WS: I love making dhal….its healthy and so good for the body. I have debated on writing a cook book called “South Indian Delicacies”. Will have to wait and see!!!

MM: Love Marriage was at first a studio performance that went viral after the music video was shot recently. Did you ever imagine that it would be so big and get mentioned on WSJ, collegehumor, CNN, tonnes of blogs and even a tweet by Roger Ebert?

WS: No I had no idea it would be very gigantic….as I said before I love making music for the enjoyment of people and now people are enjoying it and I am so happy!

MM: So are you still looking for a bride, or did you pick one up on your recent India trip? We’d also love to hear about your efforts in Rajapalayam with Ponnagam.

WS: No time for bride at the moment. Still trying hard to make a living with the music. Maybe if I come to a place where I can provide with my music I will think about settling down! Yes my relatives run this centre in Tamil Nadu. It was voted by the people as the best destitute home in Virudunagar district. I have a very soft heart for humanitarian issues and dont like to see children hungry! I want to see them doing things children should be doing! It my goal to use my music to help these children.

MM: The views on your videos are steadily growing and internet fanclubs have been sprouting all over. You have over 1000 fans on facebook and close to 300 followers on twitter. There is even a website collecting funds to get you perform in LA. What do you have to say for this growing popularity?

WS: One day you can be up and the next day you can be down. It is important not to be overwhelmed with the physical aspects of success but to really connect with people! That’s what I want to do! One day people may like my music the next day they may hate it! Don’t mistaken me I am very thankful for these opportunities and the growing increase of fans and possibilities but in the end what is most important are the people around you. Your family and friends! For me popularity is a platform I want to use to make a difference! To see people dance, smile, laugh and enjoy themselves! But yes I am thankful to all my dearest fans and followers who have made me who I am today by the help of God! I am super excited at the possibilities and opportunities that lie ahead!

MM: Moving to tamil cinema, who’s your pick of actors form the current lot? Have you considered doing a few tunes for movies?

WS: If the opportunity presented itself to write for movies I would consider it but I’m not sure if people may enjoy my style in Tamil Cinema! The actors who I think in my opinion do a great job of ACTING were always Asin and Ajith. I really don’t watch too many movies to be honest! I like watching real life documentaries.

MM: You are a big cricket fan, your songs and recent CSK rap stands testimonial to that. We should start a campaign to make you the online mascot along with Sivamani who is in the stands. Your thoughts on that and sivamani himself?

WS: Sivamani is a wonderful drummer. When you look at drummers who come from India and specifically Tamil Nadu, we have an edge with carnatic music! The rhythms are so complex and we have much to offer with these complexities. You have to be careful though not to lose the person with complex beats. I love drumming but my music goes beyond just drumming! I don’t like making complex rhythms that everyday people cannot grasp. They need to be able to dance and enjoy the beat! If you would like to have me as the mascot that would be great! Sure! Maybe I can perform at a CSK game in the future! Maybe you can wave banners for me at these games in Chennai!

MM: Where do you get the best jigarthanda in Canada or do you make it yourself?

WS: Only in Madurai my friends! Come and taste it!

PS: After this interview, Wilbur was contacted by the CSK PR team to put his rap video on the official site.

Additional Information:
If you would like to have him come and perform a concert please visit his website
To contact him via email for your thoughts and questions: wilbursargunaraj@gmail.com
He is on facebook and you can follow him on twitter.com as well

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We at DappanKoothu are with the voice that is against the bill, and we have reasons more than one. More women MPs means us poor men have to depend on cookspoor men have to depend on cooks or enter the kitchen ourselves(gasp!) because the lunch dabbas don’t miraculously find their way to office. With more women in the house, it becomes tough to hurl mics and moth expletives without being pulled aside for lack of decency. We can’t expect our colorful politicians to sit like 5th std kids with their finger-on-the-lips pose can we? Look what happened tot eh British Parliament, so quiet and boring, no majaa only, cha! It also means that the seats promised to rowdy-elements can no longer be fulfilled, and hence a huge drop in party funds and hooligans to do their handiwork. More women contestants translates to more women voters and they will have to be wooed with sarees and not cheap liquor. That means a sharp drop in liquor sales during election season and the govt exchequer stands to lose a considerable sum in excise duty. The biggest peeve will always be that this could mean more panelists like Renuka Chowdary, Jayanthi Natarajan etc on news channels, spurring prime time discussion while we wait for supper to turn cold!

Reservations however shouldn’t be only in the parliament and electoral process, afterall those aren’t the only places that lack female representation. Engineering colleges, especially mechanical and other less hep departments where anything even remotely feminine is the equivalent ofanything even remotely feminine is the equivalent of Rekha in Umrao Jaan. Spare a thought for those poor kids who after four years of workshop lab and machine drawing develop a crush on the smiling woman on the billboard adjacent to their hostel. Queues at the milk booth, railway booking counters and bus pass renewal, ought to have a 33% representation for women and it should be them but not their fathers and brothers standing in line. How else do you expect us to give them our passes for renewal, tickets for purchase and milk card to skip long lines! Ever wondered why grad kids studying abroad make a beeline to the gym? Well the answer is the rising number of women on the treadmill, where boys always give up a treadmill to a pony-tailed lass ready to jog with a gatorade in hand. We strongly advocate for a reservation quota in the gyms back home, that will increase the number of men working out and thus ensure a fitter and fresher country! There ought to be reservation for more single women in pubs, on days other than girls night out. That will ensure that the poor stags will not feel left out and try to hound others in desperation. Then comes barber shops, have you seen those places that are so hot with hair flying all over the place and only 2-3 newspapers that everyone fights for? Quota for women will ensure better hospitable conditions and will stop men from lifting their armpits for a trim!

someone once said, ‘Educate a man and u educate an individual, educate a woman and you educate a family‘….

PS: Yes, I know it’s not the regular funny stuff so how about you say something else?

(Image Courtesy: theviewspaper)

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The twittervesre was abuzz with a lot of action and most twitter clients were getting maxed out with the deluge of tweets. A group of popular mallus spared no time in claiming that Sachin’s roots were in Ernakulamclaiming that Sachin’s roots were in Ernakulam and he learnt to wield the willow in Alappuzha and not Shivaji Park. ‘What man even small small kids are knowing that he is in fact Sachin Thekkepaattu Nair whom these marathas have stolen from us’. Another popular twitter personality Hashtag Doraisamy was quick to get the topic trending as he tweeted ‘Kallis #facepalm #OMFG #sachinmallu or #sachinisgod #youprefer #kvlt #pwnage #desertstorm #youremember #tendulkar200 lets trend this guys‘, before he ran out of his 140 character limit. We tried to get twitterer-turned-politician and now minister for cattle tweets Shashi Tharoors’ views, but only managed to get a reply to our tweet to him on the matter. He tweeted, ‘Attndd budget session, weird sounding trains to weirder sounding stations, Ltr managed to catch the game and a grt knock by Sachin, now dinner‘, as articulate as ever. We are thankful to the thousands of twitter users who updated their tweets with the news of Sachin’s feat and the fact that it was the first time a double century was scored. Without their immense contribution, the world would have never known of such an achievement! We also wish to thank the thousands for their extremely unwitty tweets on the match that made even cricinfo’s commentary seem like P.G.Wodehouse on a bad day. Imagine our plight had we not been inundated by score updates in our timeline, we’d have remained as ignorant as ever.

Superstar @iamsrk rehashed one of his tweets as ‘awesome knock by sachin. will surely remember for years. now to bed and to the land of the dark and peace. goodnite my great frnd.lov and hugs‘, while his close aide @kjohar25 promised to get Sachin on twitterpromised to get Sachin on twitter as well as he proudly showed off his NDTV social-media person of the year award. Our favorite trio of Modi-Bhagat-Sena were quick to jump the gun and grab a piece with their inane and unintentionally funny comments. ‘Sachin is in the form of his life which means that the IPL will be a great success. Despite threats from players of pulling out, this knock will inspire them to come and play. I was able to message my self from one blackberry to another which means that the event will go on without any external interference‘, smirked IPL boss Lalit Modi smiling like a cheshire cat. ‘Sachin is now loved by the people of both maharashtra and madhya pradesh, which is truly inspired from my book that is available in stands for Rs.95.  I had predicted his double ton long ago and I demand the news channels to give me credit‘, groaned a visibly upset Chetan Bhagat who also wishes to set the record straight on his stupidity. Apparently users RTing his tweet are being banned but the cycle doesn’t seem to stop, with more and more users RTing his tweet. Last but not the least, the Sena chose to quell all claims by retaliating to to its detractors. ‘Sachin mahaashtra cha gaurav aahe, we shall not tolerate any poaching of our players by others. Only we have the right to own and disown him at will. Since he scored these runs at Gwalior, we shall annex it to maharashtra and grant all Gwalior residents free entry into mumbai and they shall be allowed to apply for jobs in BMC‘, roared the Thackeray scion. There were a lot more wannabes trying to grab the headlines, but we end this bulletin here for we cant cater to all the gasbags.

PS: If you really want to believe the above and come after me, then ping me for my address after you retrieve your brains from the toilet.

(Image Courtesy: Cricinfo)

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Well Ishqiya is that type of a film where are compelled to sit and analyze each frame as the characters have multiple layers like onions. You have the widow who seems meek and good at heart as she offers to help the duo, only to unravel the mystery of her true agenda in the later reels. She isn’t ashamed to use her charms on two unsuspecting fools for her gains, nor does she twitch when she is ready to go up in flames with her lover and a cylinder. Naseerudin Shah and Arshad warsi play a very jai-veeruish combo of mama-bhanjaa and come across are two very convincing thugs. It might seem a walk in the park for a thespian like Naseerudin Shah to play Khalujaan who is nefarious but longs for affection and is found delving into the past looking at a battered picture of an anonymous woman. Arshad Warsi is a revelation as a conniving horndog and his kohl-lined eyes add to his menacing character. Never has he looked this good apart from his circuit gig, but is eaten alive by the tamancha wielding widow who kicks ass! It’s a toss up between ‘mujhe is haraam zadi se ishq ho gaya hain‘ and ‘tumhara ishq ishq, aur humara ishq sex‘ for the best dialog of the movie, but there are plenty others that make you take notice. Despite being Abhishek Chaubey’s movie, every now and then the frames scream the name Vishal Bhardwaj and its not only the music, but also subtle nuances where references are made to hits like ‘Dhanno ki aankhon mein‘ and ‘Dil mein baji guitar‘. The movie however goes like a volcano in reverse, starts with an eruption and ends in fumes. We give it 6 out of 10 on our DappanKoothu scale.

(Images courtesy: sulekha.com)

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PP: Arrey wah beta, you know about our Dadiji. I’m so happy and comfortable now. All these blog sholg log I don’t like they always talk hi-fi techie things. But I like you, did they get you  my special khakra while waiting?

MM: Err No, but I hear the lawns of the Rashtrapathi Bhavan have been transformed into large pickle drying facilities during the summer. Also that the gardeners now spend most of their time, cutting mangoes for achaar and bottling them. Care to elucidate?

PP: Haan re baba, these dilli ke stores no. The achaar you get is so bland, and so I have taught my staff to use the mangoes from our yard and bottle fresh batches each year.

MM: You were recently in the news for flying a sukhoi and setting a trend for womens empowerment, what prompted you to do something so contrasting form your daily mundane life.

PP: Oh that, one night Baba came in my dreams and told me about a message he left for me in the skies. I consulted Dadiji who asked me to take a plane and receive this knowledge, the air farce people were kind to get me a uniform and take me into the clouds.

MM: Ah well you see that totally places things in perspective, and we thought otherwise. We did some research and it says that during the emergency, you were in support of forcibly sterilizing people with hereditary diseases.

PP: Oh kamaan, you want to share the streets with people who have anuvaunshik ajars? And aajkal toh yeh gay shay ka chakkar hain. I’m sure we can cure those people with meditation and satvik food. But surely we don’t want them bringing more  imperfect people into the world do we?

MM: Well your thought process pwns even #arnabforpm, but it is very interesting to hear the views of the supreme commander of our army. However what do you have to say about the scams that are attached to you like the co-operative bank, and the sugar factory?

PP: You see the Pratibha Mahila Shahkari Bank was meant to empower women and give them loans. That way they can have the power to pay their
husbands’
wine shop duespay their husbands’ wine shop dues and escape domestic violence. That only increased the deficit as none of their husbands went to work, for their dues were duly paid on time. Apparently empowerment means that the women start their own business, but come on! har dayya, a womans role is to make khakras in the kitchen only and not set up industries. The RBI however failed to see our logic and we were shut down for irregularities. The sugar factory was also a similar tale, we were running a legitimate business only. The Sant Muktabai Sahakari Sakhar Karkhana, was doing pretty well until someone suggested that we try a new form of powdered jaggery.  The govt didn’t approve of our brown sugar venture and reported us for illegal drug trafficking. By then we had already lifted a lot of raw material form the market and ran into losses of approximately Rs.17.5 Cr.

MM: Oh my poor lady, clearly you were framed and had nothing to do with it. I’m sure the episodes where you shielded your brother in a murder case, or diverted funds form your MP fund to your husbands company, and even your son’s recent election sham we all circumstantial.

PP: Haan ji haan, you are so sweet beta. Only you seem to agree with me, while everyone else thinks I’m eccentricwhile everyone else thinks I’m eccentric.  My brother was just driving down a slope without lights and ignition switched off to save petrol, and out of nowhere a Congress leader rolled under his wheel. Abhi bolo isme kya galat kiya? My husbands organization falls under my constituency and I was only spending the funds for the welfare of my constituents. Again  the authorities raked up an issue with the 36lakhs as misappropriated funds and all that. Lastly, bechaara my beta, my pappu who came to me wishing to fight the elections. Abhi kausa rule hain jee that bars a presidents son from serving the people. It is samaaj seva after all and even he has to make a living serve the masses. I just did what any mother would do, even Gandhari did all she could to ensure the best for her son in war. After all main bhi to ek maa hoon na, you must taste this naankhatai by the way. I had it specially flown in form Bhuj along with 45 of my relatives.

MM: Well auntyji, that pretty much was all I know you are getting late for your tambola kitty party in Mt.Abu. It was pleasure to have you on Dappan Koothu, and I’m sure our readers will love this.

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We tried contacting the baby elephant of Andhra politics, Chiranjeevi-gaaru who while not ducking loosely tethered electric cables, makes rare appearances in the legislative assembly. On being asked if he would aim for a united Andhra as a challenge he said, ‘The TRS issue is a very serious one and we ought to make a movie out of it to educate the masses. My son, my brother and myself will act in it and my brother-in-law shall produce it. That way the funds from the state exchequer will stay within
the familyfunds from the state exchequer will stay within the family only‘. He failed to approve of pink as a color for the state assembly building and preferred red as we already, know else somebody gonna get a goli maar!. He pressed that there were other issues that needed immediate attention, ‘So many farmer-suicides as a result of drinking pesticides, we need to help them by providing free tractors, seeds and building canals‘. Who better than Chiru to explain the apathy of farmers who have to dodge other tractors that trespass upon their fields. .Our brief meeting was cut short as he had to leave for a rally and mouth a few dialogs from his popular movies, apparently that’s the closest he can get to questioning the government. Our sources tell us that he can’t speak without a script and hence has to resort to dialogs from his politically themed movies. As kids we were told that failure to finish the rat race of competitive exams would result in us being barred from every profession in the world except cinema. With movie stars running for office, it doesn’t quite paint a rosy picture of the future, but then we are again drifting out of syllabus.

We next spoke to someone who studied politics in college, who graciously took time of his busy schedule that included playing mafia wars in a dual monitor setupplaying mafia wars in a dual monitor setup. The former CEO of Andhra Naidu-gaaru had to say this on the issue, ‘What two states three states you people are talking, we need to have an Andhra 2.0 that will take us through the new decade. Let me show you the powerpoint presentation I showed Bill Clinton and Bill Gates, that even my cook has seen a hundred times‘. We asked him what he felt about Chiru-gaarus tractor and canal logic to which he replied, ‘In the last election they accused me of distancing myself from the farmers, and hence I have raked up enough points on farmville to counterattack accusations on my lack of agricultural knowledge. Please wait as I harvest my strawberries, and plant rice that will be ready in 12hrs‘. Not wanting to sit through a seminar of anti-incumbency, polarized mandate and other political mumbo-jumbo, we chose to leave gather more info for this report. The erstwhile governor of the state is now an icon and modern day marvel of the human libido. At a time when men half his age have problems keeping their side up, Tiwari-gaaru was screwing not one but three of them! ‘I have participated in the freedom struggle and am therefore absolved. Plus these are doctored tapes, they do not show the fourth girl in it! It is a conspiracy because I refused to wear pink chaddis and paint the raj bhavan pink. I was after all only checking if the women wore pink chaddis or not‘. The above revelation sure gives us an indicator of how many English women were boned during the struggle but we were shocked to learn this, ‘These days I am getting calls form some forex-somebody and niagra-somebody who claim to be foreign brands and want me to be their brand ambassador for a newly introduced target audience‘.

Our two favorite guests were quick to jump on the bandwagon and cash in  on the free publicity the issue was getting. ‘This is not the Indian Pink League to bow to their whims and fancies, we shall however market the cheerleaders as pink girls and I shall occasionally wear a pink turban. If Mr.KCR is willing to play ball, we shall brand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run twobrand it a telangana double every time the batsmen run two.‘, thundered a visibly upset Lalit Modi. He thereafter went on a roll to market the IPL with a customized version to suit KCR, ‘The 15min break shall be called the Telangana time-out and KCR can give speeches and use it to promote his cause during home games. I can also ensure that Arun Lal and L.Siva utter the words Telangana randomly in every alternate sentence on-air, since none of what they say makes sense anyways.‘ If promised to ensure the games went incident free, he promised to coax Ravi Shastri to alter his famous cliches like ‘hit like a tracer bullet’ to ‘swept like the telangana elections’. Chetan Bhagat wasn’t very amused at  the whole tamasha and was upset that we didn’t approach him first, ‘The whole idea is blatantly lifted form my new book, I am the sole creator of two states and KCR ought to give me credit for the agitation. Heck he isn’t even on twitter so that I can block him, abbey yaar these madarasis na are not cool like us to be on orkut and twitter.I should stop writing in 5th standard english else these people will easily comprehend and market my content as their own‘. He even had a few words for Mr.Tiwari, ‘Saala buddha satiya gaya hain, his whole three women massage scandal is also inspired form my book. They are clearly the three mistakes of his life and who do you think came up with that? I hereby stake claim to anything that has to do with the numbers one, two , three, and five and will block anyone who makes fun of me‘. That’s all we could get, for he was angered to know that we hadn’t read a single 5th-std English  textbook of his.

PS: If you believe in any of the above, you are in fact my new best friend. God promise, grandfather promise, sister-in-law promise.

PPS: This post is also part of BlogAdda’s Spicy Saturday Picks

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