GB: Let’s go easy on the name calling shall we Baba. Also with this pig fever in the air, mommy doesn’t want me to take any chances.

BB: So the news has reached the whitehouse eh? Since when did you get petrified of diseases like us mortals?

GB: Just don’t want to be taking any risks that’s all. You humans don’t spare even animals and then let their illness mutate with other viruses in the human body. What results in is global panic and epidemic alerts everywhere. Do you realize more people die due to illness, hunger, accidents and other calamities daily that his pig fever of yours has claimed in a month.

BB: Your smart wit and intelligence never fail to surprise me. I see you are one of those who like to make observations like these and smirk in delight on the weight of their comments assuming to be the first to discover the silly statistic. How about you go tell this to your buddy Indra so that the denizens of Indralok don’t go running like headless chicken the next time some demon king launches an attack. As per your logic more people would have died in the impending war anyways so why panic and run amok! Indralok reminds me, how is our boy mai-ka-laal jaikishen doing, has he taught Indra’s damsels the moonwalk yet?

GB: Ah the misunderstood genius, I hear he’s been telling people of the ways they make him feel these days. You people may disagree but then like they say all things come in a package and his negatives seemed to outweigh his positives. But then he had overstayed his welcome and his legacy is unparalleled so let’s just leave it there. What grabs my attention is that I hear your people are being ruffled up at airports, so now you know how it feels to be humiliated for logistics problems with transportation!

BB: Haha how nothing seems to get past you Gunny Bops, well it’s true famed persons are getting frisked for their surnames. Why the concern you may ask, well you see we are so used to being treated royally since the ages of kings. It continues even today and the elite always get preferred service and breeze through checks and formalities. I guess we are ourselves responsible for putting them on a pedestal and worshiping like demi-gods.

GB: Well I can’t complain can I! My entry every year is heralded with processions, flowers, chants and incense. Thereafter for a week to ten days, I am treated with utmost royalty and fed with the choicest sweets in pure desi ghee as thousands come to see me of course for their material gains. Its always a school/college admission, exam tension, office promotion or an impending wedding in the family. Ah they don’t call me the remover of obstacles for nothing so I guess the business model works fine. I can possibly remove them all except animosity between warring nations. You people seem to be doing a darn good job at  it though by singing praise to leaders on the other side of the border.

BB: Ah you cheeky pachyderm, never miss a chance to put me in a spot do you. Occupational hazard I guess, but there lies the irony. If you asked someone during the wars or the partition if someone would acknowledge the intent  leave alone sing praise to a leader from the Land of the Pure, they’d tell you that the remotest chance of that happening would be when pigs flew. Since since pigs have very prevelantly been flying in your stronghold in Pune where the epicenter has been traced to, this was expected.

GB: Now don’t you try to pull a fast one with your favorite past-time of connecting the dots, and drag me into this quagmire. You don’t kill a man who’s running toward a cliff and similarly when the party is on self-detonate mode, this just acts like a spark plug. With leaders defying authority and a mutiny amongst the ranks, wasn’t such a thing on the cards? You talk of the right to speech, freedom of expression and all that junk that looks good on talk shows in news studios. What you need though you may disagree at first is a strong whip, a force that can reign you in and restore order to the ranks. A leader needs to rise that others can look upto with a cool demeanor and calm visage. Like they did in the west, but then its not easy to unearth an overnight mein Obama !

BB: Well said G-Money, for now lets just say that this swine, flu over a cuckoos nest! Until next year lets just drink to that…

(Image Courtesy: Swami Stream)

PS: Previously published on DC

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After a series of boring flashback stories I am back to haunt this space. The past few days have been spent in religious fervor as the whole country celebrated the birth of the elephant god. Headquartered in Mumbai with major branches all over the country, my favorite tusker friend’s pandals adorned the bylanes of every street. While he is being fed modaks and a host of sweets we feel content if we even manage to catch a glimpse of him. I have been trying to get him to do an exclusive for this space but in vain. However today as he begins to leave the gullies and return to his heavenly abode, I managed to grab him for a few minutes.  I’ve always wondered how Ravana would have felt if his ten heads ached. Similarly I’ve always wanted to hear an elephant with a running nose, just imagine what a scene that would be.  As I was on my way to meet my Ganesha i could hear thunderous implosions which I mistook for the LHC(Vaigyanaik daanav according to the news channels) gone wrong. Turns out that it was just my friend G-money sneezing and boy was he sneezing!

BB: Hey G, you okay? we can do this later if you want!

G: aaaaaaaaaaachoooooooooooooooooo. Sorry my man, its just the water. The water these days I tell you, so bad Baba. Wonder what these guys are dumping in to it these days, totally messes up my immunity system. You seem to be doing well though, it doesn’t affect you guys huh? Damn these bhaktas, they immersed me in water that had so many unmentionable things floating. How can you guys dump me in the water like that?

BB: Aww G-money the water didn’t suit you eh? Our bodies have got used to it, only out-of-towners like you have problems. How were the festivities? You seemed to have enjoyed the pomp and color!

G: Oh yea don’t get me started on that, I wasn’t fed anything though few people ate a lot of currency in my name. There were huge pandals and long lines which I never asked for in the first place. Prasadam was prepared in gigantic proportions and the donations kept pouring in. There were movie songs blaring in the huge speakers and local singers cavorting with the raagas. There we huge posters, banners and contests that some pandals ran as publicity drives. Local businessmen bid for rights to sponsor everyday festivities. I seem to be turning into a very profitable proposition, you must help me turn it into a franchise. Baba, imagine the avenues we could open if we monetize it.

BB: Gosh G, no wonder you have Siddhi and Buddhi as your consorts. Tell me about the women, they must have turned up in large numbers and all decked up right?

G: Ah Baba, Don’t even get me started. There were guys who’d turn up at the pandals just for the women. I was under the impressions that I was the main draw, but the guys were least interested in me. Many young hearts used my pandals as meeting places, I guess they were banking one me to remove all obstacles in their path! The kids came for the prasadams and the married women came for bragging rights and gossip stories.You know what, if I’m not wrong that davinci guy even made a post on this type of bhakti. I wonder if anyone ever comes to see me, for each of them seem to have an agenda of their own.

BB: Tell you what G, you are the most artist friendly deity of em’ all. Must have been fun to see the various shapes and sizes of your idols.

G: Shapes and sizes? Baba my man you forgot to mention the things people used to make my idols. Some guy used coconut shells, another used dry fruits and nuts. In the past they’ve used ice, jaggery, broken bottles and probably anything you can think of. Now that you mention my idols, we sure must talk about the creativity behind them. I never knew that I was deported to Iraq, however one pandal had me sitting on a tank, another had me crushing a terrorist under my feet. I’ve been flanked by prime ministers, cricketers and even film personalities in the past. A pandal was shaped like a pyramid however Cleopatra was missing by my side, but I sure love these uber-creative pandals.

BB: Cleopatra eh? you naughty! You seem to be hogging all the news with those gigantic idols. Last heard it was 45ft right?

G: Oh yes record breaking tall idols that don’t drown and have to be broken with hammers so that the water engulfs them. I feel bad for all this Baba, there is no bhatki attached to it anywhere. You must have heard that the loudest seller sells all his wares. It’s a similar story with larger idols attracting all the media attention and thus drawing more bhaktas. More bhaktas ensures more visibility for the pandal sponsors who also setup stalls and have volunteers wear their t-shirts. I’m have no objection as long as everyone is happy and makes some money in the process, but what angers me is the treatment dished out on the visarjan day. Huge idols are kicked, broken so that they submerge, is this right my friend? You invite me with all pomp and gaiety but then break me or throw me into the water when you’re done.

BB: You pessimistic pachyderm, why do you have to find fault in everything we do? Look at the unity and how people come together.

G: You make a valid point Baba, pandals were organized for a purpose. That dude B.G.Tilak started them to deliver rhetoric speeches and garner unity in the pre-independence days. That spirit somehow seems to be lost now, don’t you agree? Pandals now only serve the purposes of local sponsors, news channels and fund college fees for the children of the organizers. Well but if my homecoming brings unity and peace to the community then I’d rather not mind being stamped upon. Broken pieces of me will keep floating in the water fro a few days, the aqua life and other eco-systems will be handicapped but then you guys are happy. Humans I say!

BB: C’mon G-money, be a sport. Go back to your momma as we prepare to invite her next month. See ya next year buddy.

Baba Bangali….

(Image courtesy: nearly-normal)

PS: This post started out differently, but Kar beat me to it. I didn’t wanna delete the draft so changed it. Spare me if it seems weird.

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