Dappan Koothu » Karunanidhi

Aaj mausam bada beimaan hain

maxdavinci — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:41:24 +0000

I know what you’re thinking, and your bewilderment is well justified. We don’t quite often talk about so-called serious issues like climate changes but then we’ve done some mildly serious stuff in the past like this and this, they’ve been well received. Now this goes without denying the fact that it will get us some traffic, but people looking for serious stuff will return disappointed. Unless of course someone is looking for how the climatic change will affect the receding hairline of Salman Khan, which might be a serious issue of national interest after all! The climate is changing whether we like it or not and we can either do nothing and try to slow it down or accelerate it to satiate our appetite for destruction! Afterall trying to curb our natural affinity to corruption, is detrimental to the steady cash inflow from our heavy industrial bribes. Not many like to talk about it, for it tugs at the strings of their purses and it will open a gigantic debate that will have people running in circles. There’s nothing like opening up purushottams box all over again, at a time when people are only bothered about materialistic gains and nothing more.

With global warming becoming a serious issue, we wanted to get a feel of what the govts of J&K, UP, Uttaranchal etc were doing for the Himalayan mountain ranges. While the J&K, Uttaranchal govts were non-committal, the UP govt however had some quite shocking suggestions to tackle the issue. The CM’s office proposed setting up more parks everywhere with a park in every one-mile radius. Now parks are good things you may think, with more greenery to absorb the greenhouse gases that in turn contribute to global warming. What they do not tell you is that each of these parks will have an enormous statue
of
behenji, pointing
to the skyenormous statue of behenji, pointing to the sky and overlooking the city. In case any of you are wondering what the big deal about it is, then you’ll be pleased to note that the cost of a park to statue is exponential. When quizzed about this, the founder of the MNS, Raj Thakeray was pretty vocal about it and claimed that global warming was a phenomenon created solely by the bhaiyajis. According to him the UPwalas and Biharis have inundated the city and desecrated the marathi ethos with their chath pooja and bhojpuri music. This has angered Mumbadevi who has thereby unleashed this impending calamity of global warming upon us. Now he may not have meant it word for word, but his insistance to speak to us only in marathi could have lead to some translation errors on our behalf!

We also tried getting some inputs from the erstwhile CM of Bihar and the most famous son of the Yadav clanmost famous son of the Yadav clan taking over from Lord Krishna himself, Laloo Prasad Yadav. Quoting from a UN report on cattle increasing greenhouse gases, we were hoping to get his opinions and also a possible rebuttal to the MNS chief. ‘Arre budbak,the cow ij avar mother samjhe. if aye can eat the lakhs of fodder and be the fine, toh bolo how it will cause the pradooshan and warming if the cow-mata will eat? hum keh rahe hain na, all thich ij saajish to tarnish my imaej. Ab jao sasur ka naathi Raj Thakeray ko bolo to talk in the English like me faarst!‘. Well he sure does have a point for there is no greater authority when it comes to matters dealing with fodder. The Gujarat CM with his self-adopted nickname of vikas-purush was equally vocal about his reasons for the phenomenon. To quote his very words ‘Arrey baba yeh sab sirf Ayodhya naresh Shri Ramchandraji ka khel hain, and nothing to panic. He will cleanse the world of these muslim extremists for they are harming his devotees and are not letting his name to prevail. Let us not focus on trivial issues like the earth heating up, but instead talk about my new SEZs and the IT parks that I am inaugurating. Do you have any NRI contacts, I want to set up a Gujju association in Rwanda as well‘. Ha don’t we all know that even Jack Sparrow bought coffee from the Dunkin Donuts in Davy Jones locker at the worlds end. No matter where you go, you’re sure to bump into a Patel!

Bolly-town was clueless to all this environmental gobbledygook and not many were willing to talk on record fearing their audiences find their true IQ and civic sense. Ha! isn’t that an oxymoron for if even 10% of the denizens of film nagar had any common sense or even the minimum IQ, we would be deprived of all the mega-duds they churn out every Friday. Akshay Kumar however was not one bit concerned about his IQ for he unbuttoned himself on the rampunbuttoned himself on the ramp and was more interested in promoting his new movie, Blue. ‘I am very concerned about global warming and that is why I am doing a film on underwater sharks and treasures. I have always given hits with new directors and in Bue we teach people what to do when the water level rises due to snow caps melting. They can all snorkel wit stingrays or try to fit into the bikinis of Lara Dutta!‘. We do hope that such a calamity never happens where the coastal cities are submerged, but Akshayji is for sure prepared and with all the crores he demands per film, he might well have an Atlantis built for himself. A young starlet who wished to remain anon began to brain fart when quizzed upon her thoughts on the depleting ozone layer. ‘What is this ozone layer ya, I only know of my new feather and layer hair cut. Don’t you think I look saucy? By any chance is it a new makeup thingie for I’d like to try a new look in my upcoming film. Dada, ek aur layer touch up kar do please‘. Well she did manage to get part of it right, afterall the ozone layer does work like a concealer against the UV radiation if you figuratively talk about the face of the earth.

Not wanting to be left out the Gujjar agitation and Maoist movement both tried to get a piece of this cake by claiming that it was God’s way to punish the ones who have being treating them as downtrodden and devoid of any basic rights. We even tried to get some bites from other minorities demanding reservations and the communists who are also a political minoritythe communists who are also a political minority, only to be met with finger-on-the-lips. Glad to know that silence is golden in atleast some places, especially when you have women dancing and serving alcohol! Going to the south, Ram Sene chief Pramod Muthalik accused global warming of being a western phenomenon and was a side effect of the MTV culture. To his point, there was no such thing in the early days when women did not send their pink chaddies via courier! The DMK supremo spent no time in attacking the theory of Lord Rama, and chose to call it a cheap publicity stunt. ‘Chennai is so hot and we could do with some cool seawater, if not for this Ram and his stupid monkey bridge, we’d have happily bathed in the tsunami! Thereby no water problems, no large lines for the thanni lorry and the only thing that can cause warming are our hot, heavy and buxom heroines okay va‘. Last heard, the great yoga-guru who has been converting mansions around the world into yoga center offered to get rid of global warming and climatic change via a set of asanas he devised. Oh well if rhythmic breathing or pranayama can make gay people straight, then what is climate change after all!

PS: It goes without saying but I’ll still say it, you are free to believe any of the above. Just don’t come looking for me!

PPS: Title inspired by this evergreen Md.Rafi song.

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Pirates of the Aden

maxdavinci — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 06:14:37 +0000

These are bad times with pirates ruling the seas. There was a time when the Vikings spread havoc for European merchant ships and captured their wares and wine. Now the same has moved a few latitudes lower from Scandinavia to the Horn of Africa. Our sources tell us that it is a result of the Curse of the Black Pearl, no wait wasn’t that Pele? Ah we get it, the Somalians are hurt by the domination of African soccer by their neighbors that they took to a different sport. Instead of netting goals they just net ships, which is less tiresome and the prize is worth a lot more. So what do they do for training and inspiration? Well, they watch a pirate-flick trilogy by Disney and drink plenty of rum. The legend of Jack Sparrow has broken cinema halls and now haunts the seas. With the Indian Navy in pursuit of these pirates there were talks on further steps to be taken in the Lok Sabha. Chancing upon a great occasion to get some juicy bites from a packed house, we sent along our roving reporter Munna Mobile to the elected lower house of the Parliament. His notes were pretty startling and it sure was an eye-opening experience nevertheless. In true lingo of the print media we are printing this ‘as-is’ from our special correspondent.

LK Advani: Namaste, My speech is already on my blog but for the
technically impotentfor the technically impotent I read it out for you. However do subscribe to my RSS feed next time onwards, for it makes things simple. Well, we propose Ram-rajya in Somalia and impart knowledge of the Bhagwad Gita to the locals. According to our studies Somalia was initially a prosperous Hindu state. For those who doubt it, look at the name Soma-lia is uber Hindu! For those who need a quick lesson in mythology, let me clear the air that Soma was considered as a god(deva) Let us go and preach the teachings of Krishna and may bhajans resonate in the gulf. Then all the ships will be greeted with aarthi and satsangs will be held for the tired sailors. With such a pious mind, they shall leave the trade of piracy and spend their time in the service of god. Peace shall be restored in the gulf once again!

Sonia Gandhi: Aww we know this Ram-rajya crap. You want to take your secular agenda across
the Arabian Seasecular agenda across the Arabian Sea. Since you know that it’s almost wiped out as we sweep the polls this summer and hence looking for new avenues. We propose new reforms for the Somalians and help them cultivate their crops and be self sufficient. We shall get banks to waive all loans and issue further loans without any collateral. We shall overhaul the judicial system and knock off all pending cases. We shall increase taxes for the rich and waive them for the poor, it’s all about loving the ‘aam admi‘ you see. Also we propose tourism measures and a guided tour of the gulf with weapon training as packaged tours! With all these reforms and opportunities, the pirates shall definitely find lucrative alternate careers and drop their arms. With this promise of governance we shall continue to rule til they realize that they are being taken for a ride and decipher our false promises. We shall then suspend all normal activity by calling emergency and go on with what we do best!

K.Mayawati: I know the two of you are up to no good.The Somalians are actually DalitsSomalians are actually Dalits and OBCs that have been deported by the thakurs and brahmins. They are outcasts in Africa and hence have to face hardships owing to severe poverty. I propose setting up a coach factory in Somalia instead of Amethi. We can also employ the pirates are masons and build a replica of the Taj Mahal. Funds collected for my birthday will help in procuring raw material and of course, we can name it Maya Mahal! Before Amar Singh calls for my head sighting another scam, i propose yet another scheme. I propose to build statues of great female dalit leaders for every 100mts and thus employ pirates as sculptors. With such employment opportunities, I’m sure my dalit pirates will see the better side of life! Since I don’t see a chance of becoming the Prime Minister here in the near future, I’d like to be made the President of Somalia.

Lalu Prasad Yadav: Aye budbak, hum sab dekhath hoon. I propose setting up a fodder factorysetting up a fodder factory in Somalia that will keep them busy. I shall introduce special trains and give Somalians 60% reservation in the trains. They shall be called Soma-rail and Bihari’s will not be allowed to appear for it’s exams. That leaves Somalians and MNS workers for all the jobs. We shall create teh second largest rail network in Somalia and make it the largest exporter of fodder. Soon all the cows around the world will be eating our Somalian fodder. I shall instruct my 7th son, Charu Yadav to over look this industry personally. My family loves fodder you see, also we can employ a majority of the pirates as cow-herds so that the country can have a self-sustainable dairy sector. I shall be credited with bringing the rail, milk and fodder revolutions in Somalia and my name shall be in every school textbook.

M Karunanidhi: Ada chi saettu passangala, all I hear is ‘yek gaav mey yek kissaan raghutata‘. My heart bleeds for the Somalians just like it does for the Tamil Tigers. The reason for their abject poverty and taking up arms is the lack of Tamil knowledgelack of Tamil knowledge. All African languages also originated from Tamil and our Africans brothers are actually lost Tamils of a slightly darker skin tone. I suggest naming all merchant ships in Tamil and carrying all radio frequency in Tamil. This will force the pirates to learn Tamil and we shall open schools for them. On receiving proper education(in Tamil of course), the pirates will be reformed and take to better professions. Just like Tidel Park, I propose setting up Aden Park where Tamil, Java and dotNET shall be the official languages. We shall outsource shooting of all SunTV mega serials to Somalia and employ them on the sets. Since the country shall be dravidised we ought to have a tamizh leader. I shall nominate one of my son’s as only one of them can claim the throne of TN.

Sitaram Yechury: Comrades, none of you seem to have noticed how Advaniji let out a serpent to bite our bosoms. He want’s us to subscribe to the RSS does he? Ah you secular fanaticyou secular fanatic, that will never happen. Only me with the brain of a Chinese and a heart of an Indian could notice that, Aakhir dil hain hindustani. We propose compulsory education for one and all. With all the pirates locked up in school the waters shall be free. Once they are out of schools and colleges we shall set up a few factories and teach them union laws. This way we shall never have to worry about the factories or their wages as they shall be striking forever. We can also make it a mallu hotspot for its proximity to gelf! Artificial backwaters, massage clinics and plenty of Joy Allukas showrooms, you name it. We shall be glad to have one of our men serve as head of state for 25yrs and shall ensure zero development.Without enough time to strike and buy gold, the pirates will stop holding smoking rifles and instead puff Malabar beedis!

Mamata Banerjee: Oye vaan maast naat beeleew diis sipiyay yem, oi ma akhon ki khorbey. We reccomend bhaying aal aaf them autos and bheelding a car factribheelding a car factri in shumaliya. Dis way I sull myself go and engineer the strikes in both the places. Aal aaf phireds weel be bijee with strikes and the gaalf will bhi pheesphool again. For those who don’t pharteesipate, we shall create a yess-ee-jhed and organize more strikes. Even then if there are peepuls left we can teach them to breed chickens and when they get the baard floo, I shall yegain go aan shtrike to protest killing aaf chickens. Bhat the sippi yem can do in 25yrs we shall do yit in months only. Autos wil baarn and everything will come to a standstill including the phirasee. Theesway there shall be no room for phirasee but you should name the country Mamtalia!

PS: All the above speeches are purely in jest and totally unintentional. They don not reflect our political loyalties nor do we wish to influence any. If you can see beyond the caricatures of the politicians ridiculed then feel free to leave a comment, else close the browser window!

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