Dappan Koothu » Namitha

Kasab Ka Samna

maxdavinci — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 01:36:31 +0000

While the nation is still reeling from the 62nd I-Day celebrations, reality shows do their desh bhakti specials, movie channels repeatedly cycle screening Roja, Dil Se and Rang De Basanti, we are inundated by tweets and SMSes that are supposed to fill us with patriotic fervor. We don’t wear our patriotism on our sleeve but we pin it to our chests, try to mumble the national anthem while hoping not to sing out of tune. Soccer fans and junta that love to wear designer kurtas and watch only Guy Ritchie/Tarantino films will even place their palm over their heart, our guess is that its symbolic to suggest hat their heart is in the right place. While in the west they not only strut in their desi attire to sing the anthem and cheer a parade, but also gorge on samosas/chat and watch their kids dance to songs from the above mentioned movies while their wives bargain over rubies at a gems stall. Freedom means many things to people and for some it may be just another day when they take out the laundry and watch a matinee movie with some chips and popcorn after a heavy desi buffet of course. After a brief sabbatical while you were bored with silly louw stories, this is Munna Mobile reporting once again from the bunker, bringing you news that you cannot use. With the Baba’s blessings and pulling a few strings(loosening purse strings actually), we finally managed to get talky talky with the man who has hogged the headlines more than Megan Fox this year, well atleast in India. Yes we boldly got to go where even India TV has not gone before and bring you Ajmal Kasab! Howzzat for sansani khez khabhar? Plus this ain’t Janta/Aap ki Adalat but Kasab was subject to DappanKoothu’s very own polyphonic arachnophobic narcolytic and iskimakiphonic tests.

AK: aadha barse

MM: poora barse

AK: eh? Not sure but if you understood, this isn’t about he rains, though I could use some help with the water seeping from the ceiling due to the showers, and oh my potty is also clogged!

MM: Oh well I’m not who you think. I write for a blog that nobody reads and its about news that is of no use. Looks like we began at the wrong end of the TP roll, so let’s flush this issue for now shall we? Since we’re talking of the rear, some prisoners have been keeping away from your for they don’t wish to be caught back-door-entryfying a juvenile. So for the record, would you mind wiping the multiple ages stated?

AK: Bhag daud mantri? manje kai? From where I come we don’t grow beyond a certain age we choose to. You must have got an indicator from our superstar cricketeer Shahid baal-ki-dukan Afridi who is still only 21 despite having played for over 10yrs.

MM: Aila! deva re deva, ani uttam marathi bolto mulga, seems like you’ve picked it up from the guards. Speaking of which reminds me that you are one of the fortunate few to conduct their business over video conferencing, this has so far been reserved only to a certain CEO-type-ke-CMs and Cisco ads. How does that feel?

AK: The reception was spotty, we had better ones with satellite uplink on our trawler as we took order from our chief. Blame it on the searing heat, faulty network cables or the kerosene powered generators it was running on. So if I’m in the news long enough, will they make a statue out of me and then a CM as well?

MM: I’d rather not comment on your chances in politics, but you’ve got your facts wrong. You first represent a minority community and act like you really care for the destitutes. You then malign your rivals and ride the sympathy wave to take a majority of the votes and claim the throne. You then outnumber the borewells in your state with your own statues in poses that would make even Billy Bozo-the-clown Bowden cringe. It takes more than a five-year plan and hence you’re better of playing statue with the prison guards.

AK: OK it’s time for my meal. You see after my numerous tantrums like banging the utensils on the walls, the authorities seem to have given in and serve mutton biryani instead. This way I can not only get a chance to savour some meat and not the regular boring dal-chawal. it also establishes my child like innocence and hence no sentence and just a few years in a juvenile correction center!

MM: What seems weird is that at a time when even the great SRK gets picked up by airport security, morons like you roam scot-free and enter a star hotel like a worker-bee to a hive. Guess we need to be more stringent and cause inconvenience to guests face the trade off for compromising security.

AK: Who you calling a moron? Not even grandmasters plan so many moves ahead like we did with your blueprints and maps. Wearing an orange thread on my wrist helped , also you see how us muslims are targeted everywhere and singled out? That is exactly what we are fighting for, so that the whole world fears to raise a finger against our brethren. Who’s the moron now Munna?

MM: Well there was a time when even you changing into a kurta-pyjama to appear in court made the headlines. You hogged maximum newsprint after Megan Fox, but now swine flu is fast catching up in third place. I’d say it’s time for something new, like creating a ruckus for some pad-thai noodles or kung-pao chicken.

AK: Kaunsa gun, kiske forks? All I know is to brandish high-tech weaponry and go around creating mayhem like playing Doom with SPISPOPD. I have a high score of 166 yet they book me for entering a railway platform without a ticket. Enough is enough now, nobody wants to be my joru anymore, I can’t even get a rakhi!

MM: Well, Rakhi is now with Elesh not that it would make a difference had she been with you. I’d stick my neck out and assert that you’ll claim lineage to the Laden clan after spending a few days with her. It’s the equivalent of playing ‘Enter Sandman‘ on full blast in a carnatic music recital in Chennai. Heck even watching vids of Pardesiya or Mohobbat hain Mirchi can prove fatal, the govt is wasting way too much on your security and the trials. You should be allowed to feast your eyes on a nonstop loop of Rakhi Sawant youtube playlist projected on a 62inch prison wall. You’ll either die of wankerphobia or plead guilty to every crime in the city.

AK: She seems like a fiesty one from the looks of it, if only I could get some khushboo from the bazaars of Sialkot I’d have her eating out of my hands.

MM: Err, we’ll see who eats whom. She was after all a vishkanya and the men who copulated with a struggler like her, climaxed asphyxiated and struggling to breathe. That’s however your problem as long as you’re not talking about our ex-siren from the south. We love our buxom babes and they are strictly off limits for they remind us of Marilyn Monroe clones.

AK: You can keep your bovine beauties and pachydermal princesses to yourself. Allah will give me 72 virgins when I embark on my final journey. I’m even reading maganty’s book to see if some of those experiments can bee cooked up to escape blurting the truth in court. Little did I know that it has nothing to do with any of the above, I now use it to play book cricket with myself.

MM: Ah houri, the lovely eyed pure companions of modest gaze and a voluptuous body. Just like the kids in my building who tell me of la-la land where you can eat all the ice-cream you want, not do any homework and stay up way past ten-o-clock! Or is it like Paradise City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty? I guess we’ll never know for there comes the sentinel and my time here is almost up. Like the poker-faced Karan Thapar always says, A pleasure meeting you!

(Image Courtesy: Wikipedia)

PS: URL research stolen from Suhel, thnx buddy.

First published on Desicritics

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

Thala Ajith fans can now become real citizens

maxdavinci — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:13:02 +0000

This is roving reporter Munna Mobile bringing you the news bites of the week. There have been a lot of issues grabbing the headlines this past week, but we at Dappan Koothu only bring you the news that matters. It began with the Chief Minister of Karnataka falling of his chair, and thus giving rise to wisecracks like ‘CM kursi se phisle‘ and ‘Kissa phisli kursi ka‘. Our investigation later revealed that it was a in disbelief of the fact that the Shri Ram Sene had withdrawn their protest against St.Valentine’s day. Though unavailable for comment on camera, the CM’s office has confirmed the fact off-record. As feared in our previous post that young couples facing oppressions form their families, may turn to the moral police. That is what exactly happened in the city of the Nizam’s, as a couple caught outside on the eventfulday was more than happy to oblige! In more weird news, the courts have declared that snogging in public isn’t obscene if you are married but is a crime and a public nuisance if you aren’t. It however defies logic for how a persons marital status decides whether an act is obscene or not. Strange are the ways of the law, but even strangers and our news of the day is from the country of dreams.

On the heels of the H1-B racket that was busted in the US, the government has realized that there are a large number of immigrants and not enough jobs. The exodus of fresh grads from with MS degrees doesn’t not go well with new proposed visa bar to recruiting companies. With the growing number of grads passing out of colleges around the country, the government has decided to make best use of their multi-lingual, culinary, movie downloading
and
potty cleaning skillsmovie downloading and potty cleaning skills. In a very shocking declaration, the American military will begin recruiting skilled immigrants who are living in the US with temporary visas, offering them the chance to become United States citizens in as little as six months. Oh yes, you read that right, citizenship in six months. No H1-B processing or green card hassles, just join the army, become a citizen on the first day of service and take the oath in six months! All grad students automatically clear the two year requirement and their experience downloading foreign language movies on torrents makes them multi-lingual! Starting with a pilot program of 1000, this could extend to 14.000 pretty soon. The language requirements list Hindi and Tamil as the only two Indian languages out of the 35 listed. It comes as a fantastic opportunity to folks who are dying to be part of this so-called great country!

Recruiters expect that the temporary immigrants will have more education, foreign language skills and professional expertise than many Americans who enlist, helping the military to fill shortages in medical care, language interpretation and field intelligence analysis [link]

This news however comes as a rude shock to the owners
of H1-B sweatshopsrude shock to the owners of H1-B sweatshops more specifically in the New Jersey area.Their offers of 4 weeks training and 3 weeks marketing are now in jeopardy. After the hiring freeze, this news comes as a shocker and is sure to lure their sheep. We managed to get Mr.Reddy owner of one such sweatshop Reddysoft, he expressed grave anger and disbelief as kids we no longer disillusioned by their fake promises of 401K green cards etc. ‘None of them want to update their fake resumes, how else do I bill the client $80 and pay these scumbags $30?‘. The scene was a not very different down the road in another sweatshop as Mr.Sastry of Sastrysoft was desperately making changes to his package.’We will now offer military training in addition to Java, C#, Unix and SAP. We will help to fabricate fake resumes, non-existent war experience and guarantee high billing rate‘. There have been similar attempts from the desi consultancies to retain their employees and lure new grads. We also heard that a lot of Telugu junta were making a beeline to get some Tamil cinema DVDs and hope to qualify. Apparently a fight broke out outside a desi-store as students fought for the remaining copes of the recent Tamil blockbusters Villu and Silambattam. Our investigation later revealed that it was their respective fans who wanted to ensure that the gults could be converted to worship their idol.

The news spread to Chennai and fans of cinestar Ajith Kumar were hoping to make a fast buck by selling copies of his film ‘Citizen‘, sources tell us that it was his last known real hit as well. The Tamil Nadu government was pleased to know that Tamils were in demand and prime choice for army recruitment. However the CM has also sought reservation in the recruitment process sighting that the weak thayir-sadam eating Iyers and Iyengars will be
no matchweak thayir-sadam eating Iyers and Iyengars will be no match for terrorists. Also idol worshipers will engage in homams and archanis before launching an attack and therefore only atheist Tamils be recruited. There were reports that the CM has also asked for Tamil to be made an official language in the US army so that all the pazhaniappans and muthuvels can carry out orders in Tamil. We also managed to get some news bites from the neighboring states as the Shri Ram Sene vowed to fight for equal recruitment rights fro kannadigas. A SHS spokesperson was found saying, ‘Bengalooru is the silicon valley of India, and we do maximum business for the US. These Tamils fight with us for water, ruin our film industry and now want army jobs as well‘. The mood was quite similar in Andhra Pradesh where a TRS spokesperson was quoted as, ‘Telugus are the biggest community in the US, see the number of Telugu films that release every week in the US. Our Telugu kids are in every university and they even have Telugu associations. Telugus should be given priority over Tamils and more so for those from the Telangana distict!‘.

One semi-popular blogger was also vociferous in his claims, ‘Ever since Telugu has been granted the status of a classical language, we ought to get equal opportunity along side you Tamils’. There have been clashes reported between Kamal and Rajini fans, for they don’t wish to be on same missions if recruited. There are rumors floating around that in an agreement Uncle Sam would be replaced by Rajini, where as Kamal could occupy Mt.RushmoreKamal could occupy Mt.Rushmore. The Statue of Liberty could go in for a makeover and sport the look of buxom and bovine screen-goddess Namitha. The Lincoln Memorial according to rumors could be replaced by either MGR or Sivaji Ganesan. In other reports, fans of Pepsi Uma and Khushboo have burnt a few buses on hearing rumors that Namitha would be the newest occupant on Liberty Island. However we are just pleased to report that in times of an economic slowdown and recession, our desi kids have the US Army to look forward to. Every kid who wanted to be an army man after watching ‘Gabtun Vijaykanth‘, now have the golden opportunity to relive their dream. Those who scoffed at us when we showed terrorists in Pakistan speak Tamil will now have to eat their shoes. Why else will Tamil be recruited unless it is spoken in Iraq and Afghanistan? Keep checking this space for such updates, for now that’s all from Munna Mobile.

(Image Courtesy: defendamerica)

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like: