It all begun on a Sunday morning when the phone rang

he: heya, watcha doin today?
me: umm nuthin much, just the usual sleep-lunch-sleep-dinner-sleep sunday routine
he: gosh, you need to get out. I’ll pick you up in twenty.
me: do you mind telling me, where we goin?
he: do the words ‘exotic art’ entice you?
me: not really, i stay away from all forms of art.
he: you’ve got the flair or else why would you like pink floyd?
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A lot of yada-yada discussing the lyrics of some PF songs inner meaning etc which I wish to skip as they are irrelevant to this post.
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he: watever dude, you’re coming and I wont take no for an answer
me: doesn’t look like I have a choice
he: trust me you’ll love it, and will surely make a post out of it.
me: yea rite, might as well do something instead of the Sunday routine

So we reached the place and it was full of people dressed in their best clothes with the women sporting layers of make up and the men all seriously chatting away. My so-called-friends showed me a photo of the director who they said was one of the best in the business and I was in fact lucky to even be there.

me: hey, this is no art exhibition.
he: cinema is also a form of art, and this is exotic art remember
me: you just wait
he: chill dude, it’s your first time and you are therefore bound to be nervous and finicky

Suddenly everyone goes quite and the music starts. I was just casually looking around me and was soon drawn towards a very beautiful damsel (henceforth BD). I am forced to refrain from describing the maiden as I don’t want her to get stuck in my head again and also the fact that this blog is read by a wider section of the society. My friend nudged me and said “Here’s your lady, what do you have to say now? Shuru ho ja”. We were soon joined by a guy (you’re right a guy!) who had worn nothing underneath his towel and my friend adds that he has a cute ass! If that was not enough we were joined by a whore (interestingly it was her third experience) and an granny who seemed way past seventy. Her vampire red lipstick and nails gave me the shivers but the guy-in-towel (henceforth GIT) hugged her and I guess he felt a connection with her. It was good initially as there were a lot of sounds of oooh-aaah etc and I thought everyone was enjoying it. Soon comes another burly looking man(henceforth BLM)  whose eyes tell you he has been drinking all night and it was total mayhem as I sat confused. BLM was brought to balance the equation I presume but his inclusion put things out of control.

Myself and GIT wanted BD, but BD wanted BLM and the whore wanted GIT. Nobody wanted me or the granny and this is when I climaxed and passed out due to exhaustion. I just couldn’t take it anymore but also felt sad for the granny though briefly she seemed interested in GIT and vice versa. I was awakened by a strong smell of perspiration for it was well past two hours since the proceedings had begun. I didn’t realize how long I slept but learnt that the dejected GIT was turned away by the whore as well (confusing eh? same feeling…) and BD momentarily decided to do it with GIT before BLM came and took her. Those two hours actually felt like four nights and I had excruciating pain in my lower back thanks to the uncomfortable and squeaky chair. Exotic art my foot! But everybody was all smiles and my friends liked GIT’s butt a lot in particular (queer assholes).

I regret my actions and swear never to repeat the same ever again even if Mr.Spielberg enters this industry and makes a similar film. O Ganesha, I hope you forgive me and pray that my readers don’t leave me for writing such a post.

PS: Saawariya is boring, contrived and I really fell asleep!

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Saawariya

First Saawariya: One look at the poster(I <3 that peacock!) and it screams the words ‘Sanjay Leela Bhansali’. Color is a conspicuous feature in all his films like Hum dil.. which was all orange, then came Devdas which was all red, Black was shot in grey and now Saawariya is in blue. Even the music screams his name and any song in the album(not necessarily the title track) will tell you that it’s has the SLB signature. Melody has been the high point of the music in all his films, and this time is no different. Very few people like SLB, Yash Chopra, Aamir Khan etc sit through all the recording sessions irrespective of who the composer is. This perseverance and hard work reflects in the audio, as every tune is very sooth and easy listening. A collectors item and a must for every long romantic drive. The music just grows on you as you keep listening and if you have no idea of what I’m talking then here is a good place to start with. From what I hear the plot seems pretty weak but then we just want to see the breathtaking sets, cinematography, and SLB’s story telling abilities. The promos reveal nothing but a Hindu-boy-loves-muslim-girl angle, but we know(hope) that SLB is capable of much more than that and wait for the saga to unfold on screen.

OSO is a film that is completely the opposite of everything that Saawariya stands for. Loud jarring music with a retro feel, the story line is a comic spoof of the movies of the 70′s, complete masala movie with laughs, dances, action sequences, stunts, and slapstick comedy. Except for a couple of songs the rest are passable but they audio is a mega hit owing to the hyped marketing behind it. The songs will be shot in super locales with SRK spreading his arms and though I abhor it now, I’m gonna be hooting when he does it on screen. SRK has always said that he is his own PR person. Given the fact that he is pitted against a production house that will not bat an eyelid when it comes to splurging dough, SRK has gone to media and the small screen. Every reality show has had an OSO special like ‘Sa Re Ga Ma Pa‘(Zee), ‘Nach Baliye‘(Star+), ‘Koffee with Karan‘(Star1) etc. Even the most popular news channel CNN-IBN carries a dance challenge where winners get to meet SRK. The Hindustan Times leadership summit was also used as an able platform to talk about his 6-pack. A lot of heroes(read John Abraham, Hrithik etc) must be kicking themselves in teh rear for their perfectly sculpted bodies never attracted such attention as the 40yr old superstar. The story of OSO is out and bears no suspense unlike Saawariya which is a closely guarded secret. The movie has a strong ‘Karz‘ flavor and one of the songs seems like a tribute to the Subhash Ghai flick. OSO definitely looses to Saawariya when the totality of the album is taken into picture, but with a free autographed poster of the most famous 6-pack in the country OSO wins on audio sales. Latest news is that OSO has teamed up with MTV-India for the Lycra style awards and thereby adding some more weight to already heavy scales.

Let’s summarize things

• Saawariya
  • Big names like Sony pictures and Sanjay Leela Bhansali
  • Melodious and long lasting music by Monty Sharma
  • Debutant star kids Sonam and Ranbir Kapoor(both looking average)
  • Fantastics sets, cinematography
  • Slow and soulful both the music and the movie
  • Weak yet concealed storyline depends heavily on the master story teller SLB
• Om Shanti Om
  • SRK, SRK and SRK
  • Catchy and peppy tunes with a retro feel by Vishal-Shekar
  • Making her debut and looking absolutely stunning Deepika Padukone and supported by the talented Shreyas Talpade
  • Has all the ingredients of a masala blockbuster, comedy, romance, action and above all SRK!
  • Farah Khan‘s direction will promise awesome locales, and breath taking song-and-dance sequences
  • Terrific small screen promotion with all prime time slots booked
  • Free poster with audio CD has sales hitting a new high

Well Sony Pictures may have all the money and SLB may have his classy touch, the movie will definitely be technically supreme and a sure nominee at every award ceremony. But they don’t have something that OSO has and probably the reason why OSO will take a dinosaur share of the BO opening and the producers of OSO will be the ones smiling in the end. Ladies and Gentlemen that something is…….
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The six-pack-khan Shahrukh Khan

* author does a sashtanga namaskaram *

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• dandanakka eh danukanakka…….
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