Back at headquarters, Chief Loo is severely pissed that daabal-sevan-woh failed to retrieve the baggage and returns with no leads. He had however managed to rip the collar of one of the assassins in the scuffle, who he threw under the train. Close inspection reveals that it was tailored in Thane and that being the only lead, Loo assigns Pand to the case and packs him off to Bombay Mumbai. There he learns that plans for a highly advanced underwater navigation system are the most sought after in the market. Pand tracks down a prospective seller in Dadar in an attempt to close in on the buyer. Here he encounters Sunita Karmarkar, a voluptuous woman proud of her ancestral legacy who is a rival to his plans. ‘Madamgaaru myself Pand, JMS Pand and yourself? Mee kaay karu shakto for you?‘, Pand attempts to make some small talk. Surprised by his blatant murder of her native tongue, Sunita manages to calm herself and replies, ‘Sunita Karmarkar here and I’m of to intercept that transaction with the buyer, Tu majhya sobath yeshil kya?‘.Together they steal a disk containing the buyer’s specifications and try to outwit each other in a game of oneupmanship. Turns out that Ms.Karmarkar is with the CID, not the one on Sony TV with Shivaji Satham as ACP Pradyuman but the real deal. At the CID headquarters the chiefs of APCO and CID both decide to join forces and get working on the stolen disk.

The documents in the disk bore the watermark of an organization that called themselves PMS. Rummaging through the old case files and various searches for the abbreviation reveals that a lot of
women
had complained
of PMSlot of women had complained of PMS, an organization(obviously!) that attacked college students and working women from other states in their hostels. Weirdly named, Paschim Maratha Sena(PMS) seemed to have a thing for outsiders and it was quite evident that the PMS was plotting to cramp the underbelly of Mumbai. The reasons for such a sinister plan to paralyze a whole city and bring it to its knees were unknown, yet it sent shivers down the spine of everyone in the room. ‘OK andaru chudandi, we need to find out what the motive of these donganakodakkas is, so agent dabbal-sevan-woh your job is to get to the bottom and pull the plug on this. Ms.Korma will be your partner on this mission‘, Thundered Chief Loo with an air or supremacy. Having been numerous times to Tirupati, Sunita knew that ‘jaragundi‘ meant to move. She therefore assumed that ‘chudandi‘ also had something to do with get going and accompanied Pand on the case.

Off the coast of Mumbai on an abandoned oil rig which now doubled up as the PMS headquarters where Rajyog Zadgaonkar(R-Zed) controlled his nefarious activities from. Coming from a family of naval officers, R-Zed started out as a marine biologist but was distraught when all the names ending with ‘an’ at the institute were being offered plush profiles and being the lone ‘kar’, he was sidelined. That sowed the seeds of his hatred towards south Indiansthe seeds of his hatred towards south Indians particularly the Srinivasans and Subramanianas who equated him with the koli fishermen and mocked at his research deemed fit only for the denizens of Machi Marg. When he decided to invest his family wealth and get into the shipping business, he felt like a pomfret in a bowl full of bombil and marinated with sarson ka saag. The Chowdarys, Randhawas and Chatterjees commanded a huge monopoly and it was almost impossible to do business without perfecting the recipe to make lip smacking aloo parathas and mishti doi. He finally moved to the oil industry where only a couple of Gujju brothers were squabbling over petty issues, and bribes seemed to work across regional feelings. Shit hit the fan when he saw the most favorite Indian pastime, Cricket being encroached by outsiders. Replacing Hrishikesh Kanitkar who would have been the greatest all-rounder after Sir Gary Sobers with duds like Hemang Badani and Dinesh Mongia was only the beginning. Great talents like Paras Mhambrey, Nilesh Kulkarni were all ignored for so-called stars like Harvinder Singh &  S.Ramesh. Heck Agarkar according to him was the best thing that happened to world cricket since Glen Mcgrath and Allan Donanld went out of business.

Having exceeded all possible levels of his tolerance and distressed by the sheer negligence towards the sons of the soil, R-Zed planned to wipe the city clean. His dastardly plot was to pound the coast with armed missiles on ‘Chhath pooja‘ when the damned bhaiyajis worship the sun. His theory being that, it would make the outsiders shit bricksmake the outsiders shit bricks, pack their bags and scurry like rats to where ever they came from. The nincompoop he was, it was obvious that he hadn’t accounted for the ramifications which could even result in a tsunami on the west coast. Pand and Sunita decide to pose as sellers of the navigation system and arrange a meeting with R-Zed. They receive a fully loaded Maruti-800 from the dept with all the usual fancy gadgets like a idli maker, chutney dispenser, headrest DVD system with preloaded DVDs of Chiranjeevi and Dada Kondkar, last but not the least and the most important of them all, a bottle of ‘Gongura Pachadi‘ along with useless stuff like guns and other ammunition. As they drove out towards Madh Island, the only question lingering in their minds was: How does one possibly tackle PMS?

Concluded in Part-2

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Pand returns to his hotel room to find Pankajam spread like an eagle on his bed in a very enticing position. She takes it upon herself to personally take Pand out of the way and invites him to spend the night with her saying, “I hope you’re not ready for this“. The gentleman he is, daabal-sevan-woh misinterprets Pankajam and is irked by the casteism in her statement. Much to her despair he proclaims “Sorry madam but I was born Reddy“, and reluctantly trudges to spend the night on the couch in Baby’s room. The next morning Pand meets Ganesan under the guise of Ouseph Chacko, to whom Ganesan was to hand over the artifact. Call it an occupational hazard or force of habit but Pand introduces himself as “Hello my lady. My name is Pand, JMS Pand“. An alarmed Ganesan smells a rat and darts towards the door making her escape being chased by Pand. The two are followed by an unknown man and Parameswaran who had been keeping watch over Ganesan all the while. Pand’s portly stature is unable to keep up with Ganesan while the unknown man catches up and demands her to hand over the artifact. Just as he is about to use force, the unknown man is shot form a distance by Parameswaran.

A badly palpitating Pand reaches the scene to find Ganesan with a dead body at her feet. He yells “Who killed him?”, to which a startled Ganesan replies, “Oh it’s you“. Pand again misinterprets it and orders Baby to search for
any
Tibetan sweater/jacket sellersearch for any Tibetan sweater/jacket seller named “Yu/Yeoh“. Having round up over a dozen hawkers and failing to extract any useful information from them, Pand and Baby once again decide to start afresh by following Ganesan. Information from their sources takes them aboard the Guruvayoor Express where Parameswaran meets Ganesan posing to be Peter Aruldoss. Now Peter Aruldoss was the unknown man who as shot by Parameswaran, he was sent by the Tamil Nadu government to retrieve the stolen artifact and foil P.A.T.T.A.R’s evil plans. With a coach full of Sabarimala pilgrims, Baby moves to the open door to have a smoke so as not to cause any inconvenience. Pand offers him a light only to accidentally pat him on the back later. A startled Kutty falls to his death leaving the bumbling JMS Pand with the pack of Charminar cigarettes he was smoking. Pand goes over to check on Ganesan only to find her drugged by Aruldoss(Chacko) who is now rummaging through her luggage. Pand mistakes him for being the real Aruldoss and proceeds to help him looking for the artifact assuming that he is indirectly helping the TN Govt, and thereby the mission.

Pand notices Peter’s bundle of ‘Malabar beedi‘ and it immediately strikes him that no Tamizhan in his sane mind would pucker up to some mallu tobacco. Parameswaran masquerading as Peter, now realizes that his cover might be blown and Points a gun at Pand. Parameswaran boasts of how P.A.T.T.A.R has been playing so far and tricking the two governments against each other and how the silly Ms.Ganesan thinks she is doing art restoration but instead working for P.A.T.T.A.R! Pand tries to back away, but trips over Ganesan and lands on Parameswaran who suffocates under the weight and passes out. Ayer-No-1 is not happy with the failure of the mission and reminds Pankajam that failure is a word they don’t tolerate at P.A.T.T.A.R. Pankajam requests one last chance. She disguises herself as a pickle seller and boards the train with a bag full of thokku, avakaya and pachadisthokku, avakaya and pachadis with a semi-automatic hid under the folds of her saree. She enters the compartment where Pand is getting Ganesan upto speed with the situation and spreads her wares. The aroma of Gongura Pachadi may be revolting to some, but a true Telugu would choose a bottle of Gongura pachadi over his wife as well. This lapse in concentration is enough for Pankajam to snatch the suitcase and hold the duo at gunpoint, while Pand kicks himself in the butt for giving into a woman selling Gongura pachadi in Thrissur!

Inside the suitcase along with the artifact wrapped in plastic is a small plastic box with ‘Do not open’ plastered upon it. Unable to curb her curiosity, Pankajam opens it only for spicy mango-avakaya explode in her face to leave her incapacitated. Little did she realize that no Telugu ever leaves home without a packet of chutney-podi and a bottle of their staple mango-avakaya. It was her bad luck that the tightly sealed box developed a vacuum inside with the oil and the heat of Kerala, and hence exploded in Pankajam’s face. Pand takes the artifact from her and along with ms.Ganesan leaves her with his most famous line to make up for the bedroom mishap. The words ‘Madam, I may be born Reddy, but I am always ready‘ ring in the compartment as Pand dials headquarters to let them know that the package is safe. Ayer-No-1 goes back to sulking and plotting the next move for P.A.T.T.A.R in their bid for statewide domination. With the artifact delivered and the case closed, Pand escorts Ganesan to Chennai not before a stop over at the Madurai Meenakshi temple and some PG-13 stuff that can’t be mentioned. Until next time, JMS Pand will be back!

PS: Might seem like a few characters too many. but with the plot going that way, chalega lite.

PPS: Mallus, Telugus will get most of the references, future adventures in the series will not be this regional

——————Epilogue: Brief Character bios(for the confused)——————

JMS Pand: Secret agent working for the AP Govt special covert ops(APCO)

Vani Ganesan: Silly librarian with access to documents and state archives of TN, brainwashed to steal the artifact

Baby Kutty Naidu: Undercover APCO agent in Kerala, with mallu and telugu roots

Ayer-No-1: Heads the evil organization P.A.T.T.A.R that wants to regin supreme and avenge humiliation by the tamils

Loo Sastry: Chief of APCO

Ouseph Chacko: Special officer of the Kerala police appointed to make the switch.

Parameswaran: IISc graduate and P.A.T.T.A.R agent sent to ensure success of the mission

Pankajam: Erstwhile museum curator and now right-hand to Ayer-No-1 at P.A.T.T.A.R

Peter Aruldoss: CID officer from TN sent to retrieve the stolen artifact.

(Image Courtesy: boston.com)

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Padmanabhan Iyer a.k.a Ayer-No-1, a rogue IAS officer and P.A.T.T.A.R mastermind has devised a plot to steal an ancient document from the Tamil Nadu Government archives and sell it to Kerala while framing Andhra Pradesh for it. The artifact in question holds the key
to
the origin
of Iyers,the key to the origin of Iyers, and states that the Palakkad Iyers were infact the first and rightful heirs to the Iyer clan. As opposed to common belief that they were banished from the land of Tamils and sought refuge in God’s own country, the inscription could however prove that Iyers truly originated from Palakkad instead. Framing the Telugus would be the easiest for they have often ridiculed in college-campuses as gulti/golti and with this trend reaching foreign shores, the sons of the Telugu-Talli have been seeking revenge for ages. This almost fool-proof plan would have two of the most powerful states in the south going at each other, thereby crowning the mallu film industry as the powerhouse of the South. Pankajam, a former museum curator is hired to carry out the operation who manages to brainwash the librarian of the Tamil Nadu State Library, Vani Ganesan into believing that she is on a secret restoration process. Pankajam assigns Parameswaran, an IISc graduate to stalk Ganesan and ensure smooth hand over of the package.

In Banjara Hills the cheif of APCO, Anjaneyulu Sastry a.k.a ‘Loo’ is ambling down the aisles of the headquarters restlessly. APCO has learnt that the Malabar Police has been contacted by Ms.Ganesan wanting to sneak the artifact for restoration. Fearing that the blame will be thrust upon the Andhra Government in a bid to humiliate the Tamils, Loo summons Pand to intercept the transferLoo summons Pand to intercept the transfer and steal the artifact at the Thrissur Pooram festival where the switch is believed to be made. Pand travels to Kochi to meet APCO undercover agent, Baby Kutty Naidu who thanks to his maternal Nair genes operates a couple of fishing trawlers and moonlights working on cases for the APCO as well. At the airport, Pand is followed by a Kerala special agent, Ouseph Chacko for the mallus by now have sensed that their mission might be in some danger. Baby immediately recognizes Ouseph and whisks Pand away to a Mohiniyattam recital.

As Pand briefs him of his mission and is made aware of the follower, Baby pays a dancer to schmooze Ouseph follows them to the recital as well. Realising that he may be set up, Ouseph calls for backup and chases the fleeing duo who disappear backstage. Dressed as Kathakali dancers Kutty and Pand try to getaway just when the ill-fitting heavy headgear blinds Pand. Unable to see where he is going, Pand trips and rams into a wall knocking the daylights out of him. While Baby escapes, Ouseph catches up with Pand, a fistfight ensures  where Ouseph has a got at Pand liek a punching bag. Aggression gets the better of him as Ouseph accidentally chews off a piece of Pand’s make up. A blinded an woozy Pand unknowingly stamps Ouseph’s foot and in a knee-jerk reaction, Ouseph chokes on the piece  he swallowed and falls cold.

PS: Some references might be too mallu/tambram heavy, but then it’s part of the plot.

PPS: The title is our own way of paying tribute to one of the best characters ever created on screen.

(To be concluded in Part-2)

(Image Courtesy: olegvolk)

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