Once home the calls were far more frequent thanks to the falling rates of local calls. Ramesh hadn’t told his folks about his new friendship but his mom knew matters were fishy when his phone rang even in the temple of their family deity. Finally after heavy scheduling, Ramesh found a window to squeeze in a date with his new friend and a popular coffee place was chosen as the rendezvous point. The much awaited day arrived and Ramesh was as chirpy as possible all day, dressed in his lucky shirt and faded jeans he darted to the coffee shop. He had intentionally reached earlier so that he could go over the menu, talk to the staff and impress his date with his new found knowledge. His eyes lit up when he received  a text message reading ‘5 mins next signal, wearing red‘ as he quickly memorized the menu one last time, with some witty lines to say for every selection. His heart was racing and his breath grew heavy as he adjusted his hair and put on his ultra-cool shades to go with the spikes. He instantly recognized the familiar face in the red dress for they had exchanged pics earlier. Shruthi was quite a catch, wheatish in complexion, average height and she probably looked ever more astonishing as Ramesh was unable to get rid of the mental image of Kajol running across a desert in a saree. Quite expectedly she was nervous about meeting a guy for the first time and had brought a friend along. The friend was short, portly, wore thick glasses and was probably not as bad but Ramesh was unable to get the Kajol image out of his head. Shruthi was more reserved and silent but her friend seemed overtly talkative. The date didn’t quite go as planned as for starters there were three people as opposed to two, and secondly Shruthi wasn’t in the mood for anything and seemed disturbed about something.

On his flight back to the US, Ramesh looked back upon the fun times he had with his friends, parents and ofcourse his special friend. Shruthi had apologised for her cold behaviour citing being yelled upon by her boss at work and later having an argument with her mother prior to the date. With their differences resolved and having seen each other the chats and calls only increased and pretty soon love was
in
the airlove was in the air. They liked each other and they mutually agreed to take the next step devoid any filmy situations much to the respite of their respective roomates. Surprisingly Ramesh’s fellow stud friends were very supportive and more so because it meant that there was one less person in the competition. As soon as his parents brought up the topic of marriage, Ramesh told them about Shruthi and that he would not take no for an answer. Being the liberal kind and knowing that any resistance will be futile, Ramesh’s parents duly agreed. Shruthi was pretty excited at the prospect of marriage and regularly chatted up Ramesh’s mother over the phone. Since family traditions prevented them from meeting their daugher-in-law to be, Ramesh’s parents were content with the regular phone calls. Shruthi’s side apparently wasn’t as receptive and hence Shruthi sought time to talk things up and get matters sorted.

One fine day Ramesh received a call from Shruthi’s friend who was sobbing uncontrollably, turned out that Shruthi had met with a serious accident and was counting her last moments. She went on to add that the situation was pretty intense and advised Ramesh and his family to stay away else things may get complicated. Ramesh was heartbroken and collapsed in the arms of his roomates as he broke the news to them. Studs never cryStuds never cry and if they ever do it’s only when alone in the shower or some solitary place. Unable to bear Ramesh’s sorrow his friends offered to help and use their connections to gather information. The thing about fellow studs is that they all stick together while hunting prey and also in times of distress. Friends in India went to the spot of the accident trying to gather details only to be told by local store owners that there was no major accident in the area all week. Bribing the constable at the nearest police station also failed to throw any light. Considering the outside chance wherein the friend may have botched the name of the spot while sobbing, they began inquiring in all similar sounding areas only to hear the same. A last ditch attempt to scan all the major hospitals and knock the police control room also resulted in failure with no person as Shruthi being admitted. Now Ramesh only knew her name, number, email address and orkut profile which may seem weird given that someone was planning on spending the rest of their life with such a person.

Taking the most credible piece above which here was the phone number, Ramesh’s friends used their network to get into the cell phone company’s records to look for an address and other details. The number was registered to a guy and the address was an empty construction site, and adding insult to injury was the fact that the connection had pending post-paid payments for months. The phone was obviously switched off or even thrown away, the email account was inactive and the orkut profile deleted. The number from which Shruthi’s friend had called to break the news was a public telephone and hence virtually untraceable. With all routes going nowhere, Ramesh’s friends gave up reporting their findings and expressed their support. Ramesh still couldn’t believe what just transpired suddenly in less than a week as his life took a sudden dip from almost getting hitched to his soulmate, to laying in tatters trying to figure out the reasons for what happened. It still wouldn’t hit him how the person with whom he was talking about choice of wallpaper had suddenly vanished into thin air. The facts begin to hit him hard when asked by his friends what he was going to tell his parents. How could he tell them that their son had been taken for a ride, how would they take the fact that the bubbly girl they had been talking to was just a facade? With a million questions running across his mind, Ramesh almost had a nervous breakdown only to be restored to some extent bu his supportive stud-group. The following weekend while on the phone with his mother as he removed her of his messenger, he said

Ma, we broke up. She isn’t right for me……….

PS: Writing fiction is darn hard, I have new found respect for those who do. Regular bakwas will resume pretty soon.

(Images courtesy: Lavs Mohan and Hotel Lyric)

***UPDATE***
Owing to some threatening messages over IM and public request, I explain the thought process behind the post. I had come up with 3-4 different ways to end it and each seemed connected to the set pieces.

Here’s one

Theory 1: Shruthi was not the one Ramesh thought she was but her portly friend instead. Her ebullience in the coffee shop should have been an indicator to Ramesh. Blinded by infatuations he failed to smell a rat, but once pressure for marriage grew stronger Shruthi chickened out. With diminishing confidence to pull the bluff till the last moment and fearing getting caught and humiliated she played drama that unfolded. Having played safe with the phone number, wiping her online traces was no biggie.

With a couple of other ways to end, I chose to leave it open ended with everyone interpreting it on their own.

Thank you for the inputs!

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Finally after months of failure and coughing up a few lakhs to a shady fly-by-night company, he got some papers doctored and applied for a visa in the land of opportunities. The officer behind the counter heard his sob story and stamped his entry into the world of lap dances, casinos and bikini bars! Like all other so-called software developers, even Ramesh was armed with an inflated resume that boasted of 5+ years work-ex and every possible tool/language heard in the compuniverse with even some undiscovered ones like java++ and SQL#. All this for a guy with a bachelors degree in mechanical engineering whose only access to a computer is yahoo messenger and you-know-what! There was a time when sweatshops were booming and becoming a Sr.Database Administrator was easier than ordering pizza even if you zonked out when asked to total the columns in a spreadsheet. The recession however saw CS grads with real 5+yrs work-ex slug it hard for entry-level positions and that put thousands like Ramesh and his employers out of work. This meant no more lap dances, beer at stud parties and undressing waitresses at bikini bars with their eyes.

All this and a lot more was however going to change with one simple friend request. For many who’ve ridiculed the power of social networks, this might come like a slap on the face. Shruthi like many in her batch was a simple middle class girl armed with a graduate degree. The ITES boom had ensured steady income as a tech support executive. Big bucks and new found freedom away from home ensured a lot of female bonding and interaction with boys for the first time ever. Having being protected all throughout childhood and kept away from everything remotely male these girls were like a school of
starving piranhasschool of starving piranhas! Convent education, all girls college and playing indoors all the while ensured that boys were something they’d read about in their girly novels and in cinemas only! Shruthi and her friends were not quite piranhas but they eagerly looked forward to the cab rides, team outings and flirting across the tables at the cafeteria. They were also relatively new to the world of social networks and pretty excited at the thought of hopefully meeting someone special online. The amateurism of the situation is pretty evident from the fact that our protagonists are heavily attached to orkut and yahoo accounts.  This may seem weird to readers unacquainted with social media, but then you probably won’t be reading this either, so let’s get on with it.

Shruthi worked in the graveyard shift like most new comers, for day shifts are given to mothers and people with family constraints. This however was a boon as it gave her a full 8hrs to ‘scrap-chat‘ with her new friend. Scrap-chatting is a term used when two individuals exchange a deluge of messages on a public message board like in this case orkut which make no sense to anyone whatsoever baring the persons involved. Having received flak from their friends for the public display of their messages, Ramesh and Shruthi graduated to instant messaging with the hajaar yahoo emoticons assisting them. They soon discovered that they had a lot in common, like her choice of blue over pink, his undying love for Kareena Kapoor, her fetish for samosa chat and his preference of Hyderabad over Bangalore. He’d wake up early each day and get ready to chat by 8AM for that would be when her shift in India would begin. They’d even take bathroom breaks together to minimize the waiting for the other person. Ramesh wouldn’t step out of the house even if there was a forest fire or any natural calamity until Shruthi got of her shift and Shruthi in turn would turn up everyday at work lest miss a chance to spend time with her beau. With things moving at a fast pace, the two began discussing almost everything under the sun right from gujrati thalis to chikan-work in salwars. When one tends to spend as much time with each other like the two did, you run out of topics to discuss.

Ramesh’s stud-gang friends never let go the slightest opportunity to pull his leg for after all he was the first among the herd to have anything going on with a female. Despite astronomical levels of jealousy within, his friends managed to conceal it with their titter. One of them even vowed to go on a pilgrimage to the
holy trinity
of templespilgrimage to the holy trinity of temples (Aurora Temple near Chicago, Pittsburgh Temple and the Shiva Vishnu Temple of Maryland) if he landed with a ‘sundar and susheel‘ lass. Ramesh and Shruthi were in their own world though and one fine day he popped the question and asked for her phone number. What was restricted to the yahoo servers was now borne by the telecom networks. While yahoo heaved a sigh of relief for the drastic reduction in bandwith, RelianceIndiaCall announced bonuses for its employees owing to the surge in calling card recharges. Everyday began with a wake up call from foreign shores and ended with sweet nothings from the same number. Low cash days or delays in recharge were helped by the language of missed calls. Two rings meant good morning while four signaled a good night hug, cheesier than a three-cheese pizza you may think. Having heard Shruthi’s calm and cheerful voice ended the last shard of doubt in Ramesh’s mind of it being a prank, for no guy would go that far with a prank. While the incessant chatter and giggling at night might have caused concerns with roomates on either side, the relationship blossomed and they finally decided to meet as Ramesh was planning to visit home for a couple of weeks.

Continued in Part 3……

PS: Few readers may seem unable to come to terms with some references like calling cards and desi temples in the US.

PPS: I know it doesn’t live up to the hype of part 1, will conclude in the next part promise.

(Image Courtesy: Studio Neko)

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Shruthi has sent you a friend request on Orkut

Now any true orkut stud very well knows that they never get friend requests and it is them who in turn inundate women with requests that often go on the lines of

Hai cutey,
You are very much beauty. I wanna make fraandships wid u. 22/m/blr here wat abt u? plz reply and accept my request ok haan? tata bye byeeeeeeeeee

(Now don’t argue with me, I’ve seen friend-requests that are risqué and some even NSFW courtesy my female friends. Plus it’s my story ok, so shut up!).

Ramesh at first could not believe his eyes for such things happen only in la-la land. Finally the years of endless devotion
to
Mamta Kulkarni postersendless devotion to Mamta Kulkarni posters had paid rich dividends and it was a girl who made the first move. He also knew that he could not be dreaming for that space is leased to Namitha Kapoor, Nayantara, Payal Rohatgi, Sherlyn Chopra and Bipasha Basu. Of course this was for the you-know-what dreams only, the yashraj dreams were meant only for Aishwarya Rai, Priyanka Chopra, Trisha Krishnan and Deepika Padukone. He quickly clicked her profile fearing it to be a prank by his fellow stud dudes posing to be a girl, but no! Communities, interests, profile info, testimonials and even scraps checked out to be genuine. There was no profile pic or albums however but then that was pretty common with 90% of the Rani Mukherjee type ladeej of the Orkut world who wanted the world to see them only in their bridal tresses. Communities and profile info can easily be tampered with but any Orkut-pro would know that it takes a lot to cook up 5000 fake scraps and 15 fake testimonials.

Now that the profile checked out to be female, Ramesh was ecstatic to break the news to all his fellow stud friends that finally the hunter had become the hunted! Soon his presence at ‘stud parties‘ was decreasing for he spent his energies on stalking Shruthi and gathering information from the scraps others left for her. Now for the uninformed, stud parties are get-togethers where the self proclaimed alpha males congregatethe self proclaimed alpha males congregate over chips, beer and watch you-know-what. While changing DVDs or during dinner breaks they talk about their latest targets, strategies, progress and exchange tips and leads to common friends of their targets. Sometimes when the torrents are painstakingly stuck at 80% there are also group stalking sessions where the studs do what is called in stud circles as ‘profile hopping‘. Profile hopping is another exercise that is exclusive to studs only wherein the aimlessly hop across Orkut profiles until a consensus is reached on a common target. Several factors are taken into considerations like choice of movies, school/colleges attended, caste preferences, favorite movie stars, height, complexion, testimonials and basically what ever you can gather from the profile info and communities. This of course assumes that the target has a profile pic and albums to drool. The above factors determine what is called the ‘maal-factor‘ of a girl which is calculated using a complex algorithm and higher the better. Girls posing in pics without sleeves, with their arms around others, pics in bars/parties usually tend to have a higher maal-factor. Arguments regarding ‘maal-gerls‘ can at times get nasty and last for hours mostly like a whole evening.

Once a ‘maal-gerl’ is collectively agreed upon as a potential target, all the studs begin looking at their connections like common friends and everyone in the six degrees of separation. Common interests are jotted down, ways and means to impress the maal-gerl with an approach that seems cool and not desperate are thought of. The trick here being to suggest that one isn’t interested in the said maal-gerl and the scrap is being left only as an observation of a common trait/interest/quirk and nothing more. If a girl is intrigued by the fantastic wordplay in the scrap/friend request, she takes the bait and responds/accepts. The aim is to beat everyone in getting at least a reply from the said maal-gerl, if not acceptance of a friend request. The winner then enjoys super alpha male stud status till the next stud party and has veto power in picking a you-know-what movie for download for next time! However exciting these stud parties may seem, Ramesh had lost interest and began spending more time with his new friend. Now when a stud missed a few stud parties it could only mean one of three things. A guy doesn’t refrain from watching you-know-what unless (i)his parents came visiting, (ii)he was seeing someone or (iii)there was a problem with his you-know-what. In Ramesh’s case it was the second one and he was mighty pleased about it.

A little history about our man of the hour though, for after all the entire story is about him and not weird Aztec bachelor ceremonies. Ramesh like all super studs never made any contact with the opposite sex in all his growing years. In school he always sat on the right half of class and the nearest he ever got to a girl was when the junior studs group he was part of tugged at pony tails. Engineering was no better in the sweltering heat of Bijapursweltering heat of Bijapur in a nondescript college far far away from the town in the midst of sugarcane fields. It’s even worse if you’re in mech or civil when the only thing feminine is the guy in class who is too cheap to get a haircut. Once you’re done with four years of rigorous technological education anything even remotely feminine is counted as maal. After struggling to find a job for months and having watched all the re-runs of  ‘Kahin to Hoga‘, he finally decided to get a hold of his life and began attending every job fair in town. Having got on a first name basis with every recruiter in Hyd/Blore and getting heckled out by security in Gurgaon/Pune, he even tried job fairs in Bhilai and the Bihari Railway exam. Sadly the Railway exams require a Bihar domicile irrespective of which state you take them in.

Continued in part 2…

(Image courtesy: UberTrigger)

PS: I’m bibliophobic and have never read anything since VIIth grade. Not quite sure about the tense used or flow of continuity. Instead of fiction lets just treat this like one giant post!

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