Bhaiyon aur unke beheno, I present to you my very good friend, accomplished black marketeer and ace movie pirate, Munna Mobile.

Munna: Gee thanx max, all these years of helping you with tickets and dvd-prints helps I guess. Without wasting further time let me introduce my guests for the day To my left we have the cast from the original cult classic, ChintuJi, SimiJi and SubhashJi. To my right we have the cast from the new so-called-remake, SatishJi, DinoJi, UrmilaJi and the great HimeshJi.

Himesh: Karzzz is superb, outstanding, mindblowing, fantastic, history. Jai mata di lets rawk!

Munna: Err Okay, I gueess you’re on the wrong show. Let’s start with you, tell our readers why they should watch Karzz? Is it for your man-cleavage? the pomeranian-type-hair, the see-thru shirts or is there something else?

Himesh: I am not an actor, I am not even 1% of Rishi Kapoor. My audience
knows
me and
I have their blessingsMy audience knows me and I have their blessings.

Rishi: Arre Dhakkan, why did you even make the film then? I get nightmares of me singing hurry yoooom and wake to see my bed all wet!

Munna: Err, Sir that can be medical reasons as well. But lets ask the man who made the original, on how he feels, SubhashJi you comments…

Subhash: Yuvraaj is a great film, Salman is a great actor even while he isn’t drunk and punching his female partner in the face!

Munna: I can see you don’t wish to answer that so lets ask Urmila, How was it playing Kamini?

Urmila: What can I say, simply fantastic! Himesh is a brilliant co-star, SatishJi is a brilliant director and I would love to work with them again!

Munna: Oh well we can clearly see how many offers you’ve been getting and how difficult it is going to be for you to turn them down in favor of your next with the same combo. Dino is here as well, So let’s ask him bout his experiences during the filming of the movie.

Dino: Oh Munna, I so badly wanted to play Monty but I am happy playing Ravi Verma. I would love to be part of a sequel if there is one.

Rishi: Stop sucking upto them you nincompoop, there is no sequel because we haven’t made one. We all know what Satish Kaushik is capable of! So cut the crap will you!

Munna: ooo that was below the belt, I have a question for Dino though. Did you ever steal panipuri from a childDid you ever steal panipuri from a child or maybe throw stones at two fornicating dogs? I fail to understand what crime you committed may have cursed you to be reborn as Himesh!

Dino: I am an actor, I play my character. I love stories that have reincarnation or ghosts as the premise. Plus after I wore my earphones I didn’t hear squat what the director was narrating.

Munna: I can see that you were the luckiest to get away without having to hear the dreaded Himsa Raagam. So SatishJi, I hear the music is a rave, tell us something about that.

Satish: Chomp awwwhhh ghhrreeat mmmooosshiik, chomp chomp. I’m sorry for that, Ever since the release our soundtrack has been playing in every dhaba! Me and my crew have been promised a years worth of Tandoori Chicken! Chomp vvaaaary taaashty…

Munna: Some very demographically specific marketing I see. So SubhashJi, Does it make you feel a wee bit better to know that the movie is targeted at a different audience perhaps the single screens and not the multiplexes?

Subhash: Yuvraaj will be the greatest blockbuster of this year, Katrina Kaif will blow you all away!

Munna: Ok, wrong question, wrong person. Simiji what do you have to say about the new avtaar of Kamini?

Simi: It’s not Kamini It’s kameeni. Tina just messaged me from the Ambani household. Her kids are scared to watch any of her films now. I brought so much class to the character just like me. The new one is a slutty, back baring, false accent mouthing bimboslutty, back baring, false accent mouthing bimbo. Sadly sleaze sells!

Urmila: Oh stop it Simi, You’re jealous for I look way hotter than you! People could not take their eye of my figure hugging gowns!

Munna: Well ladies, If I could intervene. I wonder what wrinkle cream both of you use. SimiJi, you look the same even today. And Urmila, you look the same even after Ravi Verma is reincarnated as Monty. Thoda humko bhi batao yeh khoobsurati ka raaz!

Himesh: It’s all ma ka aashirwad and blessings of the public! After a very long time we have re-introduced the mother sentiment in Hindi cinema!.

Rishi: You just made the same film damn it! And stop telling people that it is a tribute to me. Young kids who’ve never watched the original are gonna think that mine was worse!

Simi: Who did the casting I say? Even I can pull of a good Tina at this ripe age of 35!

Dino: Sorry to interrupt but I liked the hazel eyed PYT a lot! It was a total Mashaallah Subhanallah moment!

Rishi: Oh shut up you thargi! You are worse than my dog that humps the sofa. After all you were reborn as Himesh so sussshhhhh zip it.. Cast me again and I can dance better than this hatela, plus my hair is not synthetic!

Satish: Please! It is a tried and tested formula that Himesh and a newcomer brings success! Also we have changed some things in the movie rather than blatantly copying it. The movie is shot in South Africa and your Ooty scenes have been replaced by Kenya! Our costumes were far more revealingOur costumes were far more revealing and we gave Sir Judah a robotic arm!

Munna: Well that was my next question, why the robotic arm just to tap musical notes? He could have well fired lasers from it! Or even electric shocks!

Himesh: Well you see we didn’t want to drift from the original, we wanted to preserve the spirit of Karz. It’s a tribute remember!

Rishi: Saala jhoota! Admit it that your pea brain couldn’t even conjure a better use for a robotic arm. Stop eating khakra and watch a few hollywood flicks first!

Munna: HimeshJi, I must say you look really trim and I almost mistook your opening song as an Emran Hashmi guest appearance! What do you say SubhashJi?

Subhash: Yuvraaj is a fantastic movie! Anil Kapoor will once again buy a Filmfare for it this time!

Munna: HimeshJi, In the last scene where in you rip your sleeve, I almost closed my eyes imagining Monty turn into a Full Monty!

Himesh: We are only trying to recreate the magic of Karz witha slight twist in the tale. We have tried to retain the spirit of Karz and I need all your blessings.

Simi: All you are going to get is my chappal! Couldn’t you have atleast done what RGV did with his fire, oh sorry aag! Heck that was less insulting than using the same name and the characters!

Munna: Some of the dialogs were priceless for example ‘Kenya mein Kanya hain’ or ‘Shaadi bhi ek type ki live-in relationship hain’. Do you guys smoke pot before coming up with such jewels?

Himesh: SubhashJi, Yuvraaj will become a super duper hit. It will be number one, two three on world charts!

Subhash: Oh yea Rahman is a great composer, Yuvraaj will give me that elusive hit after Taal.

There was no point continuing the discussion. However the reincarnation genre is something patented by Bollywood and Himesh isn’t any worse than Fardeen Khan, Emran Hashmi or the Deol brothers. His nasal twang no longer bothers me for I have heard guys who are worse, but I don’t get the reason why people love to hate him! The man has made it big in Bollywood without a godfather, without a launchpad and without any acting genes. However why one would reinvent the wheel all over again baffles me, and that too with something that is substandard and peppered with jarring songs every ten minutes! The best song in the album was edited out and played with the credits! I was glad Munna Mobile had given me a DivX print of the original, had to watch it again to regain some sanity!

PS: The title of this post is taken from an Eagles album.

PPS: A majority of the references will make sense only if you have been following the news lately, especially movie gossip!

(Album Image courtesy: bollywoodhungama.com )

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Saawariya

First Saawariya: One look at the poster(I <3 that peacock!) and it screams the words ‘Sanjay Leela Bhansali’. Color is a conspicuous feature in all his films like Hum dil.. which was all orange, then came Devdas which was all red, Black was shot in grey and now Saawariya is in blue. Even the music screams his name and any song in the album(not necessarily the title track) will tell you that it’s has the SLB signature. Melody has been the high point of the music in all his films, and this time is no different. Very few people like SLB, Yash Chopra, Aamir Khan etc sit through all the recording sessions irrespective of who the composer is. This perseverance and hard work reflects in the audio, as every tune is very sooth and easy listening. A collectors item and a must for every long romantic drive. The music just grows on you as you keep listening and if you have no idea of what I’m talking then here is a good place to start with. From what I hear the plot seems pretty weak but then we just want to see the breathtaking sets, cinematography, and SLB’s story telling abilities. The promos reveal nothing but a Hindu-boy-loves-muslim-girl angle, but we know(hope) that SLB is capable of much more than that and wait for the saga to unfold on screen.

OSO is a film that is completely the opposite of everything that Saawariya stands for. Loud jarring music with a retro feel, the story line is a comic spoof of the movies of the 70′s, complete masala movie with laughs, dances, action sequences, stunts, and slapstick comedy. Except for a couple of songs the rest are passable but they audio is a mega hit owing to the hyped marketing behind it. The songs will be shot in super locales with SRK spreading his arms and though I abhor it now, I’m gonna be hooting when he does it on screen. SRK has always said that he is his own PR person. Given the fact that he is pitted against a production house that will not bat an eyelid when it comes to splurging dough, SRK has gone to media and the small screen. Every reality show has had an OSO special like ‘Sa Re Ga Ma Pa‘(Zee), ‘Nach Baliye‘(Star+), ‘Koffee with Karan‘(Star1) etc. Even the most popular news channel CNN-IBN carries a dance challenge where winners get to meet SRK. The Hindustan Times leadership summit was also used as an able platform to talk about his 6-pack. A lot of heroes(read John Abraham, Hrithik etc) must be kicking themselves in teh rear for their perfectly sculpted bodies never attracted such attention as the 40yr old superstar. The story of OSO is out and bears no suspense unlike Saawariya which is a closely guarded secret. The movie has a strong ‘Karz‘ flavor and one of the songs seems like a tribute to the Subhash Ghai flick. OSO definitely looses to Saawariya when the totality of the album is taken into picture, but with a free autographed poster of the most famous 6-pack in the country OSO wins on audio sales. Latest news is that OSO has teamed up with MTV-India for the Lycra style awards and thereby adding some more weight to already heavy scales.

Let’s summarize things

• Saawariya
  • Big names like Sony pictures and Sanjay Leela Bhansali
  • Melodious and long lasting music by Monty Sharma
  • Debutant star kids Sonam and Ranbir Kapoor(both looking average)
  • Fantastics sets, cinematography
  • Slow and soulful both the music and the movie
  • Weak yet concealed storyline depends heavily on the master story teller SLB
• Om Shanti Om
  • SRK, SRK and SRK
  • Catchy and peppy tunes with a retro feel by Vishal-Shekar
  • Making her debut and looking absolutely stunning Deepika Padukone and supported by the talented Shreyas Talpade
  • Has all the ingredients of a masala blockbuster, comedy, romance, action and above all SRK!
  • Farah Khan‘s direction will promise awesome locales, and breath taking song-and-dance sequences
  • Terrific small screen promotion with all prime time slots booked
  • Free poster with audio CD has sales hitting a new high

Well Sony Pictures may have all the money and SLB may have his classy touch, the movie will definitely be technically supreme and a sure nominee at every award ceremony. But they don’t have something that OSO has and probably the reason why OSO will take a dinosaur share of the BO opening and the producers of OSO will be the ones smiling in the end. Ladies and Gentlemen that something is…….
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.
.
.
.
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The six-pack-khan Shahrukh Khan

* author does a sashtanga namaskaram *

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