Dappan Koothu » twitter

Poll poll din ke paas

maxdavinci — Thu, 21 May 2009 03:45:50 +0000

Sat sri akal and a copy to all, this is your friend philosopher and guide Baba Bangali along with our resident reporter Munna Mobile coming to you live from our bunker in the hinterlands. We’re stationed in a bunker because of the nature of information we deal with. You read the regular stuff in the papers and news channels but our constant endeavors are always to go beyond the headlines. With the election fever dying down and the IPL at it’s closing stages, it’s time to take a breather. The elections also fondly called the ‘Great Indian Tamasha‘ has provided us with loads of entertainment and has kept the psephologists busy. With news channels trying to get ahead on exit polls in the race to be counted as the most accurate, they think they can fool us by calling it as statistics when it really is good ol’ sattebaazi. This Election was even more interesting as it was not only fought at the so-called grassroots level but also on the web with social media as a powerful weapon. There were therefore a deluge of ghost blogs and twitter accounts that were set up by representatives of the candidates.

We decided to cash in on this lunacy to reach out and offered our consultation services on twitter. Thus began the journey
of hashtagsthe journey of hashtags and 140 character limited fistfights. Words have never before been so judiciously used owing to the the limit, maximum potency with minimum characters was the mantra. Today we decided to do a poll retrospection and announced a tweetup, with invites being sent out to the big names. Our aim was to look back at the results and get some feelers on future steps from the movers and shakers of lok-sabha. Within 20 minutes we were flooded with tweets and below is a snapshot of what took place. For the twitter-illiterate and everyone else, read from the the bottom. It goes without saying that all references are in jest so don’t come chasing us with a lawsuit, however that would atleast get us some publicity.

PS: Title of this post inspired by this song

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Page 3 on terror

maxdavinci — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 06:42:27 +0000

The Mumbai attacks have left the country thunderstruck and we have all being glued to the news for the last 48 hours. It is definitely a moment of sorrow and our condolences are with all that have been affected. While the real heroes like the firemen, cops and the NSG commandos have all been unsung, it’s the Page 3 circuit that has been drawing maximum footage. At a time when lives are being lost and the city that never sleeps is panic stricken everybody seems to want to have their four annas. There have been bloggers writing 2-3 posts a day, some smart ones even live blogging the events. The twitterverse hasn’t been any better with everybody making #mumbai tweets. People have been tweeting helpline numbers and regular updates like they are on a singular mission to inform the whole world. Somebody please tell them that we also can watch the news and read the numbers flashing on our screens!

If there are people who have no access to the news channels and are solely dependent on these tweets for their lives then we shall issue an apology, else go shove your
faces
in some
horse shitshove your faces in some horse shit! We’ve actually counted the updates of some users and they average between 30-40 an hour! The funniest thing being that most of them weren’t even close to Mumbai, and therefore none of this was first hand information. We call for a fatwa against these twitter-spammers who actually think that they have done some great service to the society! What do you fools expect, a gallantry award for inundating us with stuff we already knew? We propose that such tweeters ought to get a taste of their own medicine, for that’s the only way they’d learn. Every single person they follow ought to make 30 tweets during the same hour, that will teach them to mind their own business! The over smart bloggers need not feel left out as we haven’t ignored them, almost each one of you has made a condolence post. There are also the so-called page 3 of the blogosphere who have left no stone unturned when it comes to making a heart-warming post! So you have the usual, we shall overcome, never let die spirit, with generous helpings of words like resilience, spirit, fear, humanity and peace. They of course have their slavish bunch of commentators who proclaim it as the most touching post they’ve read all day and copy paste the same on other page 3 blogs!

Just like the people who have been responsible for a deluge of tweets, there have been bloggers who have taken pains to live blog the events. Who in the world is going to meticulously keep refreshing their page to read these stupid blogs while they can watch the news being streamed online! If the bloggers and tweeters were so into it, then imagine the plight of people whose lifestyles were severely hit by these attacks. If you’ve been wondering and making educated guesses in your head then let us alleviate your agony. The people severely hit by these attacks have been none other than the Page 3 circuit of Mumbai. With their two favorite jaunts under siege and all parties for the week canceled, the whose-who of Mumbai were as confused as a herd of sheep in a sushi bar. In our bid to get some inside news, we at Dappan Koothu sent our roving reporter Munna Mobile to get chatty with these cocktail personalities.

Munna, How is the situation on the ground and the hostage situation?

Oh Max, cut the crap. You’ve been watching too much news have you? Even the news channels have run out of steam with the same updates and pictures. They’ve spoken to everybody on the street right from the survivors to the sandwich wallahsright from the survivors to the sandwich wallahs and exhausted their vocabulary. The same set of pictures have been cycled and the same tickers have been flashing for hours together. One smart channel managed to get an ex-serviceman for some info on what the cops and commandos might be thinking in such an event. This was soon followed by other channels as retired servicemen were soon in demand and their phones were ringing like crazy. As the old haggard men made their way to the studios and recalled incidents from their service days sipping chai and biscuits as they watched the events unfold on the giant screens. While a select few were picked up by news channels, the rest sat grumbling in their homes and commenting on how they would have made more intelligent comments! All they could do was curse themselves for not staying trim by jogging at day break and not maintaining contacts with the a couple of reporters. They were trying to ring up a few members of the press and offering their free unwanted bites to escape the din of their nagging wives!

Err, that’s nice but didn’t we send you to do a scoop on the Page 3 crowd?

Patience my dear boy genius, before we get to the main course don’t we generally serve you an appetizer? With having exhausted almost every resource for information, the news channels turned to the most jobless people in Mumbai. The Page 3 are a perfect ingredient for some masala news for they know the interiors of these hotels better than the tiles in their bathrooms. There is also a high probability that they know some of the hostages and can therefore talk about them. The best thing about them being that they are all educated in the best schools and can therefore continue their non-stop prattle without even pausing for a break and still not be tired. This works out best for the news channels for their presenters are tired of repeating the same lines in all possible variations and permutations of the same phrases.

That’s good, so can you get us a bite from a famous personality?

What’s with the bites, order some pizza if you are that hungryorder some pizza if you are that hungry! I spoke to a very famous media baron Mr. AllWeak PotAndSee who was seen shuttling between studios. He has been furiously brushing up on the 9/11 procedures as he attempts to draw parallels to the shortcomings of the nations procedures. Brilliant I say, all we need at a time of crisis is some demoralizing stuff questioning the backbone of our security. He tells us that he is very saddened by the events that are playing out at the Taj and recollects the Stir-Fry-Chicken he had at the ‘Wasabi‘ last week, the same restaurant that is up in flames today. While he still complains of the extra spicy soup that gave him digestion problems, I try to remind him that he has to talk about the current situation and no his alimentary problems. He thanks me for the tip and goes live on camera with all his brilliance and makes a complete fool out of himself, not surprising as we never expected any more from him. He questions the ineptitude of intelligence and makes a smartass comment saying that no intelligence can be expected from the lawmakers who themselves are not intelligent. Apparently the channels feels that he represents the views of the common man!

Were there any of the Page 3 women you managed to run into?

There you go, always waiting to swoop on some masala like a hawk preying on a rabbitlike a hawk preying on a rabbit. Talk of of masala and women I did manage to talk to two famous Page 3 socialites. Ms.Dhobha Se and Ms.Mollykya Terabhai condescended to speak to our readers while they were getting their last minute touch-ups. Ms.Se is wearing a dress she bought at a boutique at the hotel under siege and wishes to comment on how the place where she shopped for this garment is a control room today. She asks me if that is a smart improvisation and I meekly acknowledge fearing being turned down next time. Ms.Terabhai is on the phone with her designer and is yelling at him for her dress hasn’t arrived and she has to appear on another news channel in 30 minutes. She tells me that its a fashion disaster and sacrilege to appear on in a repeat dress and I once again nod my head in acceptance. The designer finally manages to dispatch her change of costume and she tells me that the same guy was late last night as well. Had her gown arrived in time she would have made it to a party and then taken hostage like the other guests. It’s this point that she wishes to bring on camera and seem all intelligent to the nation, and I can only wish her luck.

How about some bites from the world of cinema and business?

I’m glad that you finally asked, for I was waiting to tell you about my rendezvous with Mr.Shahrukh Fake and Mr.Chudail Kheth. One is a very reserved socialite who once upon a time tried his hand at acting, he now just poses for pics in partieshe now just poses for pics in parties. The latter is a loud mouth businessman seen more often in cocktail parties than in boardroom meetings. I’ve often wished to ask him how he still manages to make money while his intelligence seems to be smaller than the skirts of the waitresses. The one with a theater background was elucidating on how the security ought to do practice drills and mock rescue operations. The reason he gave me was that he was drawing a parallel to theater where every scene is rehearsed thoroughly before the performance. While this gentleman made such an astute observation, the businessman Mr.Kheth couldn’t stay behind. He told me that he wishes to propose a Homeland Security like they have in the United States, and even push for some transfer of knowledge to help setup a similar wing.

Thank you Munna that was a nice roundup of celebrity scoops, news is just in that the situation has been brought under control. Sadly your report will therefore not go on air nor see it self in print, we however promise to put it up on our blog for some high society people to read and comment.

PS: This post is solely in jest and in no means intended with any malice towards the personalities mentioned. However we do stand by the horse shit reference to some of the bloggers, who really deserve it!

(Images Courtesy: Financial times and boston.com)

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Nonsencical Updates

maxdavinci — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 22:38:53 +0000

Someone asked me if I have been going through a writers block, so let me clarify that no such thing exists. Fact is that I’m too dumb for blocks and all, it’s just that I’ve been spending time on researching plugins and tinkering with them. I’ve had a strong urge to increase the user experience on this page, and a war with PHP errors followed. After a couple of days of PHP tutorials and armed with firefox extensions for debugging, I’m back! Read on while I boast of the new features I’ve added!

Movie Ratings: I realized that I watch far too many films and obviously I don’t review all of them. Some times it’s 4-5 a week and that includes my lazy weekends. I’d like to have a say on each of them but they aren’t always blog-worthy. These ramblings now find a spot on my sidebar and also have a dedicated page with a ten-star rating system. I must however include that these are my views and the ratings are an indicator of how much I felt the movie was worth. The previous line goes without saying, but just making sure.

Alltop and QR Code: I’ll have to thank all my readers and search engines for all the traffic over the past few months! This blog now features on ‘AllTop India‘ list along with the big names in the blogosphere! I want
to
paint my
QR Code on
my foreheadI want to paint my QR Code on my forehead, so that people can take pics and decode my name, etc! Fine, that was a tad too geeky and weird as well. For the uninformed, QR codes are cellfone-readable barcodes that can carry information such as URLs or single line descriptions. I’ve put up my QR code in the sidebar, what about yours? I don’t see it as the next big thing but then, Just for kicks!

Comment stats: This is a fantastic feature and I hope it will appeal to all my readers. When ever you comment using the same email address wordpress remembers the number and the posts. So go ahead and comment on this post. Now if you hover on the username, you should see the number of comments you’ve made, your most recently commented posts as well as your most recent post if you have a blog. Brilliant isn’t it?

MonsterIDs: MonsterIDs are identicons just like the hugely popular Gravatar service. Since many of my commentators are blogger users or non-bloggers, the WordPress supported Gravatar service returns blobs as user images. MonsterID mangles your email address and generates an image that is unique and doesn’t require any registration. WordPress users will however be able to see their Gravatars on their comments. I tried many plugins and even edited a few before Lekhni pointed me to this post. Thanks again Lekhni!

Blogroll: I noticed that I have a very boring looking blogroll and decided to spice things up. Take a look at the new and improved blogroll which not only links to the blogs I read but also parses their feed. You can also see feed snippets of their most recent posts. I must however apologize to blogger users as the atom feed doesn’t support previews. After hacking the plugin, I’ve got it to atleast display the most recent post. Let me know if you use feedburner and I’ll make the change. If you have a blog and don’t find yourself on this list then just subscribe to my feed and leave me a comment! I apologize for the bathroom joke on the Olympics. I really love all my readers and it was only in jest, and I couldn’t resist it.

Rate and Print: I’m sure that these would be the most unused features but then there’s no harm in shameless publicity. If any of you would like to print a post you found interesting then from now onwards all posts are printer friendly! You can also anonymously rate the posts on a scale of five, so go ahead and give it a shot! Do rate the posts you read however, for the statistics help to identify a trend.

Twitter: Twitter is a highly addictive micro-blogging service and it bit me in the last month. The good thing is that most of my fellow bloggers are on twitter as well and we connect on a daily basis quipping on new links and other stuff. Twitter enables me to post those one-line blogs that I don’t feel are worth this space, or to share interesting URLs. Try Twitterrific, TwitterFox, and Twhirl are popular clients. I’ve got my twitter updates in the sidebar you can find me here. If you use twitter, leave me a comment so that I can follow you.

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