Bhaiyon aur unke beheno, I present to you my very good friend, accomplished black marketeer and ace movie pirate, Munna Mobile.

Munna: Gee thanx max, all these years of helping you with tickets and dvd-prints helps I guess. Without wasting further time let me introduce my guests for the day To my left we have the cast from the original cult classic, ChintuJi, SimiJi and SubhashJi. To my right we have the cast from the new so-called-remake, SatishJi, DinoJi, UrmilaJi and the great HimeshJi.

Himesh: Karzzz is superb, outstanding, mindblowing, fantastic, history. Jai mata di lets rawk!

Munna: Err Okay, I gueess you’re on the wrong show. Let’s start with you, tell our readers why they should watch Karzz? Is it for your man-cleavage? the pomeranian-type-hair, the see-thru shirts or is there something else?

Himesh: I am not an actor, I am not even 1% of Rishi Kapoor. My audience
knows
me and
I have their blessingsMy audience knows me and I have their blessings.

Rishi: Arre Dhakkan, why did you even make the film then? I get nightmares of me singing hurry yoooom and wake to see my bed all wet!

Munna: Err, Sir that can be medical reasons as well. But lets ask the man who made the original, on how he feels, SubhashJi you comments…

Subhash: Yuvraaj is a great film, Salman is a great actor even while he isn’t drunk and punching his female partner in the face!

Munna: I can see you don’t wish to answer that so lets ask Urmila, How was it playing Kamini?

Urmila: What can I say, simply fantastic! Himesh is a brilliant co-star, SatishJi is a brilliant director and I would love to work with them again!

Munna: Oh well we can clearly see how many offers you’ve been getting and how difficult it is going to be for you to turn them down in favor of your next with the same combo. Dino is here as well, So let’s ask him bout his experiences during the filming of the movie.

Dino: Oh Munna, I so badly wanted to play Monty but I am happy playing Ravi Verma. I would love to be part of a sequel if there is one.

Rishi: Stop sucking upto them you nincompoop, there is no sequel because we haven’t made one. We all know what Satish Kaushik is capable of! So cut the crap will you!

Munna: ooo that was below the belt, I have a question for Dino though. Did you ever steal panipuri from a childDid you ever steal panipuri from a child or maybe throw stones at two fornicating dogs? I fail to understand what crime you committed may have cursed you to be reborn as Himesh!

Dino: I am an actor, I play my character. I love stories that have reincarnation or ghosts as the premise. Plus after I wore my earphones I didn’t hear squat what the director was narrating.

Munna: I can see that you were the luckiest to get away without having to hear the dreaded Himsa Raagam. So SatishJi, I hear the music is a rave, tell us something about that.

Satish: Chomp awwwhhh ghhrreeat mmmooosshiik, chomp chomp. I’m sorry for that, Ever since the release our soundtrack has been playing in every dhaba! Me and my crew have been promised a years worth of Tandoori Chicken! Chomp vvaaaary taaashty…

Munna: Some very demographically specific marketing I see. So SubhashJi, Does it make you feel a wee bit better to know that the movie is targeted at a different audience perhaps the single screens and not the multiplexes?

Subhash: Yuvraaj will be the greatest blockbuster of this year, Katrina Kaif will blow you all away!

Munna: Ok, wrong question, wrong person. Simiji what do you have to say about the new avtaar of Kamini?

Simi: It’s not Kamini It’s kameeni. Tina just messaged me from the Ambani household. Her kids are scared to watch any of her films now. I brought so much class to the character just like me. The new one is a slutty, back baring, false accent mouthing bimboslutty, back baring, false accent mouthing bimbo. Sadly sleaze sells!

Urmila: Oh stop it Simi, You’re jealous for I look way hotter than you! People could not take their eye of my figure hugging gowns!

Munna: Well ladies, If I could intervene. I wonder what wrinkle cream both of you use. SimiJi, you look the same even today. And Urmila, you look the same even after Ravi Verma is reincarnated as Monty. Thoda humko bhi batao yeh khoobsurati ka raaz!

Himesh: It’s all ma ka aashirwad and blessings of the public! After a very long time we have re-introduced the mother sentiment in Hindi cinema!.

Rishi: You just made the same film damn it! And stop telling people that it is a tribute to me. Young kids who’ve never watched the original are gonna think that mine was worse!

Simi: Who did the casting I say? Even I can pull of a good Tina at this ripe age of 35!

Dino: Sorry to interrupt but I liked the hazel eyed PYT a lot! It was a total Mashaallah Subhanallah moment!

Rishi: Oh shut up you thargi! You are worse than my dog that humps the sofa. After all you were reborn as Himesh so sussshhhhh zip it.. Cast me again and I can dance better than this hatela, plus my hair is not synthetic!

Satish: Please! It is a tried and tested formula that Himesh and a newcomer brings success! Also we have changed some things in the movie rather than blatantly copying it. The movie is shot in South Africa and your Ooty scenes have been replaced by Kenya! Our costumes were far more revealingOur costumes were far more revealing and we gave Sir Judah a robotic arm!

Munna: Well that was my next question, why the robotic arm just to tap musical notes? He could have well fired lasers from it! Or even electric shocks!

Himesh: Well you see we didn’t want to drift from the original, we wanted to preserve the spirit of Karz. It’s a tribute remember!

Rishi: Saala jhoota! Admit it that your pea brain couldn’t even conjure a better use for a robotic arm. Stop eating khakra and watch a few hollywood flicks first!

Munna: HimeshJi, I must say you look really trim and I almost mistook your opening song as an Emran Hashmi guest appearance! What do you say SubhashJi?

Subhash: Yuvraaj is a fantastic movie! Anil Kapoor will once again buy a Filmfare for it this time!

Munna: HimeshJi, In the last scene where in you rip your sleeve, I almost closed my eyes imagining Monty turn into a Full Monty!

Himesh: We are only trying to recreate the magic of Karz witha slight twist in the tale. We have tried to retain the spirit of Karz and I need all your blessings.

Simi: All you are going to get is my chappal! Couldn’t you have atleast done what RGV did with his fire, oh sorry aag! Heck that was less insulting than using the same name and the characters!

Munna: Some of the dialogs were priceless for example ‘Kenya mein Kanya hain’ or ‘Shaadi bhi ek type ki live-in relationship hain’. Do you guys smoke pot before coming up with such jewels?

Himesh: SubhashJi, Yuvraaj will become a super duper hit. It will be number one, two three on world charts!

Subhash: Oh yea Rahman is a great composer, Yuvraaj will give me that elusive hit after Taal.

There was no point continuing the discussion. However the reincarnation genre is something patented by Bollywood and Himesh isn’t any worse than Fardeen Khan, Emran Hashmi or the Deol brothers. His nasal twang no longer bothers me for I have heard guys who are worse, but I don’t get the reason why people love to hate him! The man has made it big in Bollywood without a godfather, without a launchpad and without any acting genes. However why one would reinvent the wheel all over again baffles me, and that too with something that is substandard and peppered with jarring songs every ten minutes! The best song in the album was edited out and played with the credits! I was glad Munna Mobile had given me a DivX print of the original, had to watch it again to regain some sanity!

PS: The title of this post is taken from an Eagles album.

PPS: A majority of the references will make sense only if you have been following the news lately, especially movie gossip!

(Album Image courtesy: bollywoodhungama.com )

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• Interview: Wilbur Sargunaraj on Dappan Koothu
• Right of admission reserved
• Kasab Ka Samna
• Kamzor Kadi Kaun to decide Ind-Oz series
• Diwali Dhamaka – damaal dumeel dush
• Lyrics are overrated
• North Korea upset over Endhiran

aaaaaaaaaa aaaaauuuuuuuu aaaaaaaaa
Tumse Mohabbat Kar loon Jee Bhar Ke
Poori Hasrat kar loon Jee Bhar ke
Jo Toone diya ishq mein Jo Toone diya ishq mein
Lut Jaaon Lut Jaaon Lut Jaaon Main Lut Jaaon us karz pe

I swear I haven’t made them up, but I cud definitely have come up with something better. This song has a very addictive tune, but once you hear the vocals(esp male) you involuntarily change the track! Why do the same phrases need to be repeated is something that beats me. I can’t wait to get my hands on the instrumental version, wonder where I could find it.

Bolo hare hare hare hare Bolo hare hare hare hare
Tere ishq mein dooba rahe Tere ishq mein dooba rahe
Shaamon sehar mera rom rom Hari yoooom hari yoooom hari yooooooooom

For those weak in Hindi, I’ll attempt a translation. May my hair drown in your love day and night. Now why would do that and how is Mr.Hari involved in this! Now if you are a barber and your name is Hari, then it makes sense! You may think that Himes Bhai is trying to recreate the magic of Rishi Kapoor on a giant gramaphone record. Wrong my friends, after the autowallah community he is reaching out to the hajjam/nai community!

Tak tanana tanana tandoori nights tandoori nights tandoori nights
sama sharabi jahan sharabi dekho rabba sharabi dildar mein
hawa sharabi teri aada sharabi yeh fiza sharabi dildar mein
tanha tanha he dil tanha tandoori nights
if u loving was wrong i dont wanna be right

Being a foodie, I could instantly connect with this song. Notice how magnificiently Himes Bhai reaches out to all the cooks,waiters and dhaabawallahs with this so-called-melody. For the uninformed, Tandoori Nights is my favorite desi restaurant in Gaithersburg MD and there are many restaurants with the same name in Hyderabad, LA etc. One can’t help but notice how each song is dedicated to a different section of the society. This song apparently features Himes and Urmila running around trees, but all I can think of is my greasy and fluffy Aloo Paratha!

Masha Allah Subhan allah masha allah subhan allah
Tera chehra jabse dekha Dil Gumshuda hua vallah

Is Duniya mein Jo Ishq Di Lagan Lagaye
Sisak Sisak Ke Bilakh Bilakh ke Tadap Tadap Ke Mar Jaaye

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Tere bin chain na aave na aavae chain na aave na aave chain na aave na yaar

Would you believe if I told you that they above are actually three different songs? That being the beauty of Himeshji Maharaj, they all look and sound the same! All the three the songs have a strong sense of deja vu and the now slightly boring nasal twang. Himes Bhai’s jarring voice drowns the shenai and tabla in the background as he carefully woos the minorities. You don’t want to leave anyone depressed don’t you?

‘Dhoom tere ishq ki‘ sajna is probably the best of the lot. It is in songs like these where you see how much potential himes bhai really has. My guess is that he is being forced to dole out third class class music! If not for his stupid ego and attitude for singing every song, this could have been a chart buster. This song has Rahat fateh Ali Khan written all over it and could have well become another tumse mann ki lagan. However Himes is no Khan saab but the song is definitely worth another hearing.I rather not mention ‘Ek Hasina Thi‘ for I can’t imagine anyone stir up the vocals of KishoreDa. This one is painful and looks all over the place, so lets leave it there.

All said and done, Karzzz is a sorry comeback after Aap ka Suroor. Being a musical, I expected it to blow me away. Now I just have to be content with a waxed-chest and cleavage-showing Himesh Maharaj jiggle on a gigantic DVD!

himessing¹: Himesh + Singing (It’s a new genre!)
himesiatics²: Himesh fanatics

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• Jet Jet Baby…….

Baaghon mein kamini, Mandir mein moorti
Dekhi na aaj tak yeh khoobsoorati

Ganga bhi aap hain, Jamuna bhi aap hain
Jis taraf dekhoon aap hi aap hain

Update: The song is from the movie Shapath and sung by Anup Goshal and compesed by Bappi Lahiri

If you are in India download it form here, and in the US you can download it from here.

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• Gaana of the week (Woh Lamhe)
• What do u do…………………….
• Gaana of the week (Dil hi dil mein)
• Do I need to say more?
• Gaana of the week (Jaaneman)
• Gaana of the week (Jhoom Barabar Jhoom)
• Gaana of the week (Tarkieb)