The movie opens with a shot of the heavily secure swanky multi-storey headquarters of the Diamond Corporation of India(DCOI), which has more gadgetry and security systems than the FBI and CIA put together. Let us put behind us that there are such establishments in the country and also the fact that they offer free tours of their security systems to every dork disguised as a sardar. He then suits up in the gayest leather available and hides in the air-ducts, not before uttering the 2nd best line of the movie, “I’m in and it’s time
to winI’m in and it’s time to win“. After having navigated laser beams, fingerprint mechanisms he uses a laser pen to cut through a window, which in the previous scene was described to be strong enough to resist a powerful bomb blast. That’s not it, for there’s a giant vacuum cleaner that doubles as a periscope and reaches the top floor window from a van outside. You’d assume that he’d just bag the diamonds and then drop them into the van, but in what is the flavor of the season they are vacuumed into the van from the top floor of a multi-storey building. Just so that you can estimate the height of the building, in the very next scene while being chased by the guards, Prince base-jumps of the building and pulls the ripcord of his parachute to land safely on the van. If you’re reading this with your mouth wide open, then hold on to that expression for a while. This was only the opening sequence before the titles take over and Atif Aslam wakes you up from the CGI-induced slumber. “Oh mere khuda” indeed, but only for making such a movie with the craziest indipop album type music video.

This post is already nearing the average word-count but we haven’t even gone near the most interesting parts yet. Prince suddenly wakes up with a bullet lodged in his arm, unable to remember a thing and the only thing worse than his lame expressions is lines like “main kaun hoon, main kahan hoon”. These lines were last heard in a cheesy Pepsi commercial featuring Sachin and movies in the 70s, but prince brings back all those memories and you have new found respect for the era. Prince is now sought after by the CBI and two white collar dons for he posses information about “The coin”. At this point we’re told that “The Coin” was forged in ancient Lanka and it has magical powers because people believe that the coin “Raavan ke rakht se bana hainRaavan ke rakht se bana hain“. So if you’re wondering how Jason Bourne finds the coin and takes it to Mordor to destroy it, then you’re in for a pleasant surprise. Turns out that there are three women vying for his attention claiming to be romantically involved, each with an even interesting back story. What is even more interesting is that each of them is named Maya and has an ulterior motive with the coin in question. Maya-1 sizzles in a club song and we’re told that she is a phony but poor Prince is still smelling her tonsils unaware of this fact. Maya-2 makes an entry with a story of how they are both undercover CBI officers, and their assignment is to nab Sauron Sarang red-handed while handing over the priceless stolen coin. Even this story can be safely ignored along with the unfunny lines of the butler that seem like slapping you in the face till you fake a smile. We were later told that he was the actual dialog writer doing a cameo in the movie, how we wish his death in the climax was for real. But this time again we are are proved correct for Maya-2 is far more sinister than her heavily tattooed yet curvaceous body, only after Prince has taken his tongue out of her throat.

You can easily see the double-cross coming as Maya-2 plants a gun on Vivek’s forehead, but nothing can prepare you for iron-fist. Yes turns out that Sauron Sarang is the love-child of the Terminator T-800 and a bollywood extra. That is the only rational explanation anyone can ever give for his metal fingers. The ensuing fight brings in Maya-3 who has a kickass introduction scene where she rains bullets from machine guns strapped to a hand-glider! This is again followed by yet another song that involves bikinis, bikes and some more jhingjhak music. A note to all CBZ/Karizma lovers who are mostly fans of Vivek Oberoi as well, doing a wheelie while tasting last night’s chicken curry in a girls mouth isn’t probably the best idea and you may want to keep an eye on the road as well. Maya-3 presents us with a killer back story where in, she and Prince collude with the CBI to stage the funkiest robbery ever known to Chetan Bhagat fans. A hologram of two idiots smooching on a bridge is enough reason for a convoy to leave the vehicle they were guarding, while a remote controlled car explodes beneath it to topple the armored vehicle into the water below. Taking cue from Uncle Pai’s science experiments, they cut through the the bullet-proof metal like cardboard underwater.

Nothing in the world prepares you for what happens next, and I kid you not when I say this. Turns out the coin is a facade for carrying a embedded chip developed by the country’s top nanotechnologists, and it enables downloading the entire contents of the human braindownloading the entire contents of the human brain only to replicate them and upload them into another. Prince is strapped to a chair and his brain is mapped using the chip, the progress of which seems to go faster than what it takes winrar to install on a machine. What about those email forwards that tell you that the human brain can store  terabytes worth of data, were they lying of is Prince pulling a fast one on you? I found it weird at first but then realized that if you’ve signed a movie like this then surely you only have enough grey matter than can be downloaded under two-minutes. That explains how they did an F-Disk on him and the so-called seizures he gets. The reason I use computer jargon here is because, it is the closest to equating system-crashes and reboots to his brain trying multiple unsuccessful auto-restores. So apart from having a Tony Stark like lair with leather suits, wrist contraptions that shoot mini-harpoons, Prince also has to retrieve the coin in order to barter his brain-mappings. More unintentional comedy ensues with bondesque chases, gunfights and CGI-porn before he finally finds the coin everyone is after. This is where Maya-1 gets bumped off  not before the best line the movie is used, “maine uske aankhon mein laalach ka virus scan kar liya tha”. An absurd climax sees Maya-3 decimate Maya-2,  while Jason Bourne and Sauron/T-800 engage in a duel on an overturned vehicle going downstream. For a moment you can hear Obe-Van Kenobi squeal to Anakin how he was the chosen one, but this just meanders into a humongous waterfall. Prince rips apart the iron-fist and uses his mini-harpoon to cling onto a nearby chopper, leaving Sarang to fall to his fate. The end credits show Sarang surviving the fall and fatally wounded yet not dead, thus spawning the possibility of a sequel.

I know by now nobody even cares but it’s time to pick up the shattered pieces of our brains around the chair. Since a review warrants a rating, let’s go with 3/10 with a extra star solely for Ms.Sen.

(Image Courtesy: Indiaglitz)

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• The Boss experience…….
• Kaalai – The bull disappeared from the BSE, and so did this one…….
• Vaazhthugal – A crash course in tamizh…….
• Review: Victory – 20 runs per over, no sweat!
• Maine kal ko dekha!
• Bheemakshmapathi…….
• Bheema – When a man loves another…….

This is your friend, guide and philosopher, Baba Bangali. Before you think that this is another lame excuse to trash a movie, let me clarify. This not just another review and unlike others we don’t give the movie away nor do we comment on the abject performances. It sure was an ardous task but nevertheless I sat through it. Why you may ask, why does one inflict upon himself such acute agony. This time around there was a reason and it was this dame, She is a favorite at Dappan Koothu and we go to everything to cover her. If this isn’t a run-of-the-mill review then what is it, you may ask. Well Bhaktas, this shall be more of an advice column much like agony aunt. Only difference being that I’m not dealing with relationships but management mantras, image branding and career choices. Sounds interesting? Read on!

#1: Three naked men in a sauna hugging, kissing and staring at each others stuff isn’t really cool.

Not the wisest thing to do especially when it’s in front of the camera and watched by the millions. Maybe I lied, not millions but say 10 people (That includes the director and me). The man built like a bull may be your boss but a sauna is not the best place for a business proposition. I can understand these constant urges that turn on your machismo. Listen to me carefully when I say, if the hug and the stares don’t go well with your boss the very same sauna could be where he’s looking for your replacement. As a great person once said ‘Towel aur aaina jhoot nahin bolti’, OK it was me! What I’m coming to is that there is no point saying ‘What’s he got that I aint got’ once your dumped!

#2: You don’t smile and eat a bag of ‘Lays’ while your name is being splashed across all TV channels and papers.

Here is simple case of improper product placement. You want to show that tough men eat a bag of Lays and that helps them stay cool. I can see that the sponsor is paying you well. But using your un-cool stars in a totally un-cool moment isn’t quit the most intelligent thing to do. People generally panic when their names are flashed on television or at least squirm. If you are going to show your so-called-uber-cool protagonist smile and shirk away the threat with a bag of Lays, then the audience is not buying that! Lays makes you thirsty it doesn’t pacify you while in panic mode. Can someone please tell poor Bhakta Vivek that smiling inappropriately doesn’t make him look cool but its actually quite silly.

#3: Not the best time for product placement while being chased by goons

Another classic case of lack of business acumen. If you’re being chased by 21 goons armed with sticks and baton, you don’t stop to have a soft drink. I can see that you are tired after the chase and the pain of shooting such a bizarre film. Yet that is no excuse to whip out a can of ‘Mountain Dew‘ and go cheers! I’ve seen the ads where a sip of Mountain Dew infuses vigor and gives you an adrenalin surge. However Bhaktas, I feel you’ve taken the ad far too seriously. I can see that they are a beverage sponsor but there can be a better time to endorse it with some snappy product placement. If you want me to sit and believe that a can of ‘Mountain Dew’ can not only quench your thirst but also allay your fears then you’re mistaken. The line ‘Dar ke aage jeet hain’, sounds really cool in a war movie or in a boardroom while risking a product launch. Smiling at a bunch of goons, and crushing a can after chugging its contents isn’t quite macho! I’m only trying to dispel your ignorance Bhakta!

#4: Stick to making our womenfolk cry with your soap operas if you can’t understand the business of film making.

Bhakta Ekta, I acknowledge the fact that you are the queen of the small screen. You exactly know the pulse of your audience and how to deliver candyfloss entertainment. Your women go to bed with loads of jewelery and wake up the next morning with their makeup and hair intact. It sure is a modern day miracle and I at times have felt the urge to ask you the secret behind this. What flummoxes me is that how you chose to ride a motorbike when you can’t even balance a bicycle. I actually liked the basic premise of your film but the non-existent execution is what killed it. Have I told you how much I love this scene? The close-up zooming, alternating black and white shots, stunned expressions due to constipation, and the cooked up emotion! Brilliant Bhakta, stick to such marvels and let the lesser mortals make movies.

#5: You don’t kiss a dragonfly even if he is your ex-husband. Why make the same mistake twice?

This pic may have hurt many of you Bhaktas reading this, especially the young boys. It’s true and quoting a very good friend of mine, ‘Vinasha Kaale Vipareeta Buddhi’ is so apt here. Bhakta, you had the whole of south india at your feet. You’ve paired with everyone from the Superstar to the Megastar. You want to throw all that out of the window for movies like this? You could have atleast smooched the other guy and then you and Aishwarya Rai would have had one mistake in common. However Bhakta, we hope that the great Ganesha grants you some common sense or just head to the nearest Big Bazaar. They afterall calim to have everything at affordable prices. When a guy is out to bash a baddie who is twice as taller and weighs thrice as much, tiger may not be the most appropriate words of encouragement. A lot of women like to call their men ‘Tiger’ but the setting is not a godown and it’s generally dark! You may have to work upon your words of encouragement and ‘Go get him tiger’ isn’t the best thing to say!

I hope to make this section a regular feature, so do mail me your queries.

regards,

Baba Bangali

If you enjoyed this post, then you may also like:

• why do you blog
• Fasting and very furious
• mallika tune kya pehna?
• Maal kaalchur and no thunder
• Baba Bangali….
• Return of the Powerpuff girls
• Shakuntala, Get a science textbook!